6-12 month thread....

[[Co...]]

Garton, I agree. In a wave we can not access positive thoughts even if we want to. Survival seems to be the goal in a wave.. getting through it day to day the best we can. When I am in a wave I can think of nothing but health catrastrophes ...in a window they don't cross my mind. It is not your fault that you are unable to access hope and positive thoughts in a wave.. it is a w/d s/x . This is not something we can 'think ' ourselves out of...IMO the best we can do is get through it ..support one amphetamines...develop some coping skills to help us survive and stay with it....and not reinstate on days of terror or crushing depression. ..Just keep it going if you can Garton...you have come such a long long way...as Life says, you are closer to the exit than you are to the entrance.. coop...

[[Co...]]

* one another*...NOT amphetamines...Auto Correct is acting like a troll today...so sorry about that...coop

[[li...]]

I know pretty much what you're enduring Life.  It's discouraging this far out.  Unfortunately, I ran across a thread having to do with individuals that are 3 to 5 years out still experiencing many of these sxs.  That really got me down.  I know from reading that there will be a minority who fall in this category.  How will you ever know for certain that this is just the way we are wired or is it still the result of the benzo use and just slow healing.  That really drives me crazy just thinking about it.

 

Here is my plain and simply answer to this question.... If I feel like I do at 18 months I will more than likely reinstate myself  - that might change but I sure do not want to be living like this 2-5 years out. I know that the wave I am in is due to outside stressors and if I can just come to grips with it I will be fine. I know that I have had major healing going on but I need to be without stressors to heal more. That being said, at some point quality of life is important. As it stands I am fantasying lately about reinstating ( which I wont) but after 18 moths I will reassess if that is the case. I hope I am not letting you down but I am being authentic. I got off this drug for a better life -- not a worts one. My ego is not about if this drug wil win or not -- I have already won by being off 11 months. No, I just want to feel good and if that was to come in the form of another drug I will gladly look at it but I don't think that drug is out there.

 

I think part of what I am going through is not just benzos but a normal reaction to an outside high anxiety event. One I get through that event I will be much better no doubt -- just my thoughts.

 

 

Life

[[li...]]

One more thing Garton.. the reason I believe that this is all w/d and not "us" is because these windows and waves are specific to benzo users -- they are so radically different. I do not know of another w/d that produces these conditions.

 

Life

[[Co...]]

I am with you 100% Life...." at some point quality of life is a must ".....You are courageous awns strong and traveled far with conviction. I have the same thoughts. Today has been cycles of panic anxiety and dizziness...and nausea....I am absolutely not functional...

.......You are such a gift Life....you deserve a beautiful quality of life. What was your motivation for coming off? ...I came off because I thought the ativan was no longer helping me...but this isn't any any better....yet. I am willing to wait for ' yet ' ...but not forever as I watch my days pass by being consumed by w/d....I think I have had 10-15 good days in the last 15 months ( taper plus p/w)....but I worry that reinstating ( which I am not ready to do .....yet) will make it all even worse. I never needed anything before my first bout of vertigo...

...I hope I don't get kicked off the. forum for voicing such thinking, but like you I wonder...when the heck does this ever end and how much of our lives can we lose to it?

.......Thanks for your honesty Life.  I am so thinking of you...and everyone else slogging through a heavy wave. We all think you are a warrior Life.....coop

[[li...]]

Coop we are only human.. We can only endure so much. For me I want to be functional again... The reason why I came off of benzos is because I had tapered down from about 25 mg a day of Volume to 15 BUt I did t without knowing about tolerance w/d. I started having tolerance. I know of many people that have one dose and they take it at that level for years w/o any tolerance. I was different .. I would take one pill one day and two the next if I felt bad and then back again without understanding tolerance or whatever was going on. I was in a high powered career that took on major stress and I used the benzos to calm me.... and they did. I paid the price though. Benoz are not a good drug but for the Love of God how much pain can someone take?

 

I will not think about reinstating until 18 months but I am hopeful that things will get better around "life's world". I do not like to feel dysfunctional... not to say the hit my ego has taken from this mess. I am not the same person anymore..... Here's the kicker... I believe I am a better more compassionate person and one that has come to grips with his skeletons in my past. Even if I ever did reinstate -- which it does not seem likely at all... none of this has gone to waste because I have learned something about the human condition that many will never -- This is as close as I ever wantto get to mental illness. This process is dreadful..

 

We will never get kicked off because we are stating what many believe they "can't say". How long were you on benzos and for what conditions? Coop did you have anxiety before the w/d?

 

life

[[Co...]]

Hi dear Life....I was on ativan for about 2.5 years including my taper. My doctor put me on it for a sudden onset of vertigo. I had not had vertigo before and one day all of a sudden the room was spinning, I couldn't tell up from down, I was sure that I was having a stroke. I went to er by ambulance.  In the er I was given Xxanex but I had a paradaoxical reaction to it ( that should have been the first clue). They gave me Valium and sent me home with ativan.  That first dose of ativan was like a miracle...I thought, " what a wonder drug.. my dizziness is still here but my anxiety and panic is gone...like someone threw a switch ". I was psychologically dependent at that moment. My doctor prescribed it " as needed "  so my usage history was very much like yours. ,5 on dome days..none on some days...1 mg on some days...2 mg on another day...all depending on how high my anxiety was at any given time. I was afraid of getting dizzy and having a panic so I didn't go anywhere without it. I didn't know any better due to the way my physician prescribed it. As well she gave me no education what so ever about the potential for dependency. I soon developed tolerance and was taking .5 x2/day...if I had to go somewhere I was taking.  .5 with each dose of 1 mg. That's when things became paradoxical and when I went to the doctor she wanted to increase the dosage again telling me that I had GAD...I had never suffered anxiety except for dental visits. I knew I did not want to increase the dosage so that is when I began researching and came across BBs and the Ashton Manual. I jumped one mg on my own c/t and tapered the second mg over 6 months.  I wanted off because of everything I read about benzos in the Ashton Manual and The Benzo Book ( Jack Dupont-Hobson). I was sure things would be better at 6 months if I could just make it through 6 months of taper and 6 months of p/w...boy...how wrong was I...so then I recommitted to another 6 months...well you know the rest

...You are right...how much can mere human beings withstand in a battle against greater than human forces. ...If I could even maintain an 80% baseline I would take it and not look back, but I feel like I am worse than acute right now. ...however I just started s low dose of propanolol for b/p spikes and dizziness can be a side effect of that...but the cascading panic and anxiety is exactly like when I jumped the first mg of ativan c/t....I just feel, like you that I am at the end of my rope. ...but also like you...I am trying to go 18 months...seems like a sentence to hell right now

....Life you should not ever doubt the magnificance of who you are. Brush off your ego and know your own words..." I am a better person than before "...our true worth lies in our compassion and integrity. You are obviously a stunningly compassionate and honest person. You have stood by all of us through your own suffering You have been tireless in your support ...You have every reason to be so proud of who you are and I thank you for every bit of support you have showed me.

....with all my heart I want you to get out of this wave into healing...love to you friend...coop

[[Co...]]

Life...I just read a thread over on the ' other medication ' board. There was an interesting thread on Remeron. Are you still taking the Remerin? According to those who wrote on the thread,  it is not a benzo and some people had good results with it......wishing you relief my friend...coop

[[je...]]

I have no judgment for anyone who reinstates, but I have to say I personally do not believe it would help at all in the long run. I think some people may have a bad reaction to taking it again. I have read so many stories on here from people who reinstated and ended up feeling sicker. Also, at some point with benzos you WILL hit tolerance and then your quality of life will be worse than it is now. I was in tolerance for 2 years and was bedridden the entire time. I would gladly take how im feeling now, then to go back to that miserable time in my life. I really feel like we will all heal at some point and there is no need for reinstatment . I hope you both know I'm not judging, but coming from a place of caring for both of you. Jenny

[[Co...]]

Thank you Jenny...you are a kind friend who is going through all the pain that the rest of us are. It would never cross my mind that you would judge anyone. I am just in such a frantic place today with dizziness and anxiety.  I was medically reinstated in month 3 and as you say it was miserable and made things worse. I would not reinstate, just wishful thinking that there really did exist a magic pill for anxiety. I have not had all day anxiety for months and I didn't even have this kind of dizziness in taper or acute. I have been bouncing back and forth between anxiety and panic all day. If things don't shift a little I might consider buspar. Apparently it is very low risk for safety and dependency and easy to get off of.. I am just completely frazeled and worn out. I also think the dizzinwss could be from the propanolol which is a new medication.

.....Thank you so much Jenny...I also was. in tolerance from my ativan early on...probably within 3 months...and truthfully it wasn't much better than this. ...

.........How are you doing today Jenny...you came through a long wave recently...I hope things are better.... oop

[[li...]]

I have no judgment for anyone who reinstates, but I have to say I personally do not believe it would help at all in the long run. I think some people may have a bad reaction to taking it again. I have read so many stories on here from people who reinstated and ended up feeling sicker. Also, at some point with benzos you WILL hit tolerance and then your quality of life will be worse than it is now. I was in tolerance for 2 years and was bedridden the entire time. I would gladly take how im feeling now, then to go back to that miserable time in my life. I really feel like we will all heal at some point and there is no need for reinstatment . I hope you both know I'm not judging, but coming from a place of caring for both of you. Jenny

 

Jenny, this is just a open conversation. I don't think that neither I nor Coop would ever reinstate. I just have been hit with a four week wave and it has gotten the best of me. I am usually an optimist and I feel good right now but I must say that this wave has made me think about things I have not in a while. You do bring up good and valid points though. I agree with them. That being said it is just a tough road.

 

Coop , no I have never taken Remerion. I am not good with SSRI. I am taking a small dose of gabapentin.

 

Life

[[je...]]

Coop and life-- I completely  get it, the need for relief. I remember when I found out that it was the benzos making me so sick I was crying because I felt I needed my pills and now what was I gonna take for some relief. I'm very surprised that there is no drug that can help us in times of need that doesn't cause so many side effects?? That I think is the most scary, helpless, frustrating part-- that there really is nothing to help us but time. I remember when I was in acute thinking if only I could sleep good, I could sleep through most of the misery but sadly most of us can't even that. Life-- has the wave let up for you at all?? Mine started to lift after about a month. Coop-- iam feeling much better, and feel like my baseline did go up again after that nasty wave. I'm very irritable today and tired but its all hormone related. Hugs to both of you, we will get through this!! Jenny

[[Co...]]

Life and Jenny...have either of you had o going dizziness?...It is making me crazed with anxiety these last 2 -4 days. I was started on propanolol...anyone have dizziness on this drug?

[[je...]]

Coop-- I had it when I was early off, now I only get dizzy when I stand up. I developed POTS in w/d so everytime I stand up my heart rate shoots from 70 to 100 BPM and that makes me extremely dizzy and lightheaded.

[[mr...]]

Life and Jenny...have either of you had o going dizziness?...It is making me crazed with anxiety these last 2 -4 days. I was started on propanolol...anyone have dizziness on this drug?

 

Coop, I've had dizziness here and there throughout my taper. I've also had it again recently, and I know I've read of others having it as well as a common withdrawal symptom -- 'specially those who are close to healing, actually I believe you're on the right track For reassurance regarding anxiety & panic, check out Rosa's 1 year update in the benzo free section of the forum I think its labeled something like "one year free...some good news, buddies" Also, propranolol hasn't caused me dizziness, that I know of anyways. Maybe a modest headache, but I don't know that I can blame the propranolol or if it's just withdrawal

 

Loving on the rest of you from here Its Mr's birthday today, so I'm probably going to try and stay off the smartphone for the remainder of the evening Hugs to you all; take care,

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Gosh Jenny...thank you so much...it does get worse when I stand. My heart rate doesn't go up that I am aware of but my b/p is up...and my anxiety is crazed as the dizziness makes me think horrible things. When you had your dizziness early on was it constant...I am hoping it is just a side effect of the propanolol.....thanks so much Jenny...coop

[[Co...]]

Thank you very much Mrs...have a wonderful time at the birthday...you sound pretty wonderful...coop

[[li...]]

Coop and life-- I completely  get it, the need for relief. I remember when I found out that it was the benzos making me so sick I was crying because I felt I needed my pills and now what was I gonna take for some relief. I'm very surprised that there is no drug that can help us in times of need that doesn't cause so many side effects?? That I think is the most scary, helpless, frustrating part-- that there really is nothing to help us but time. I remember when I was in acute thinking if only I could sleep good, I could sleep through most of the misery but sadly most of us can't even that. Life-- has the wave let up for you at all?? Mine started to lift after about a month. Coop-- iam feeling much better, and feel like my baseline did go up again after that nasty wave. I'm very irritable today and tired but its all hormone related. Hugs to both of you, we will get through this!! Jenny

 

Jenny, no it really has not let up that much although much better today. I know that the reason I feel this way is due to an external stressor in my life. I am attempting to desperately cope with it but I am not do so well right now. I will go to my rapid resolution therapist tomorrow and he makes everything go way. Hypnosis...

 

LIfe

[[...]]

Coop , I've  been dealing with dizziness for weeks now comes and goes randomly so heavy at time feels like I'm going to pass out.

Although if your dizziness started after your BP med then that may be a player.

 

I did see where remeron was mentioned and yes it has helped quite a few but like all these meds it has it's issues. I was on low doses for sleep aprox 5 months but had to come off due to adverse effects. I'm a slow metabolizer even on low dose it was building up high blood serum level therefore revving me up even on 1.5mg. I had a gene DNA test done which shows the meds I would have issues with. Ive been off remeron now for 90 days and feel the WD has quite a bit to do with months of hurt.

 

I continue to have a very rough time in this recovery. I've had fair days, hours, but mostly bad times.

 

Im constantly obsessing thinking which drug I haven't tried yet might alleviate my sx's. I also have seen 8 psychologist and 9 pdoc last 9 months including one pdoc in Boston where I flew over and back same day last week.

It was quite the ordeal getting on those planes feeling the way I do. The drs suggestion was , yep another heavy med. He suggested Lamictal, Sam-e, L-methofolate and melatonin. The Lamictal can be a nightmare as far as sideffects and WD.

 

My point is the only way out for me , is through it. I know I'm so sensitized that adding anything could be a disaster. Although when we feel so ill both physically & psych, we continue to think of any and all possibilities. May not discover the cure but the meantime the distraction doing all this is helpful.

I truly thought that getting passed 6,7 months the sxs would have eased dramatically.

 

Below is something that may be of interest. Best of luck to all.

 

 

 

"Pamela Smith 10:04pm Aug 26

Have you heard there is a test to see if an antidepressant will work? Seems like we should all be tested before being put on an antidepressant:

By Mayo Clinic Staff:

Your doctor may use cytochrome P450 tests (CYP450 tests) to help determine how your body processes (metabolizes) a drug. Our bodies contain numerous P450 enzymes to process medications. Because of inherited (genetic) traits which cause variations in these enzymes, medications affect each person differently.

 

The P450 enzyme with the most variation in different people is the 2D6, which processes many antidepressants and antipsychotic medications. By checking your DNA for certain gene variations, cytochrome P450 tests can offer clues about how your body may respond to a particular antidepressant. Other cytochrome P450 tests are available for other enzymes.

 

Cytochrome P450 and other genetic tests (genotyping tests) are becoming more common as doctors try to understand why antidepressants help some people and not others. While their use might be increasing, there are limitations."

 

 

[[pe...]]

I love you, buddies. There is no way out but through. This is all I know for myself. My body doesn't tolerate meds. I think my body doesn't even tolerate my own natural chemical changes very well - hormone changes, cortisol, that kind of thing. I have a very sensitive vessel.

 

If there was something, anything that would bring any of you real and lasting relief, I would want you to pursue it. Even if it's not for me. And 18 months is still a long way off and by them waiting a few more months won't mater. 

 

Tired ramblings from a tired worker.

Peace

[[Gr...]]

Hi Buddies, I wanted to share some of what I have been going through since last Tuesday. As you can see I am almost 6 months off the tiny little pills. I have been hit with a wave for 7 days now. Anxiety, cogfog, agitation, and shaky have been my symptoms. All are normal at this stage of the w/d. I can tell the anxiety is mellowing some so maybe I'm heading out of the wave soon.

 

I had the unreality, cogfog feelings when I was first in tolerance. I suspect it will be the last to go. It really does feel like it will never go away and I'll be stuck like this. I know this isn't true, but nevertheless it feel that way. When you have the anxiety stuff, does it feel like its in your stomach? I just will feel it so strong in my stomach. Thank you for all your support. We are almost home.

 

Love Jackie

 

Jackie, I also had the unreality, cog fog in tolerance, and later on as well, and some now.  I really do think it's protective, maybe against the anxiety.  And, yes, I started to have vibrations, felt like in my stomach.  Don't know if that's what you mean. As bizarre as it sounds, this is all very normal w/d.  You will not be stuck like this.  It goes away.  We do get better.

[[Co...]]

Thank you do much Jrod!...That is so helpful to know that someone else had dizziness.  Did it ever keep you down for periods of time? .  I get so flapped with every body sensation. It is a little less now..more like boat bobbing or floor buckling...so a little more consistent with Menniers..panic and anxiety a little ..maybe tomorrow will be better.

.....thank you for the genetic testing info. I have always had big problems with full dose medications and pain medications and most ad meds are paradoxical ..I never take the full dose until I have taken minute doses for a few days first. .

  ....thanks again Jrod.. I hope you are feeling better...just mystifies me that we can be in this much misery months and months out...Did you get level 10 anxiety this far out...after months of just baseline anxiety? ....makes me cry...just sick of it...well one day closer...coop

[[Gr...]]

Green...how are you today? ..d/r and d/p makes me want to stay in a quiet room where every sound and sight does not overwhelm me with that feeling of voices coming from tin cans and that everything I see is out of perspective and moving in slow motion. ...I am really hoping that you are feeling better......we will get there too...sending you sunbreaks...coop

 

Yes, Coop, a quiet room, except I still have the breakthrough panic and anxiety.  It's better for me to keep on the move, get out the door, as long as my energy holds up

 

I hope this is a better day for you

[[Gr...]]

I always love it when Green comes back! 

 

Mommy, I just noticed our jump days are about two days apart, and Green just a bit ahead, Coop a few days after.  I'm looking forward to all the one year celebrations coming up on this thread.

 

I appreciate that.  You and the people on this thread may be the only ones happy to see me, lol.  I think my family has had it, they don't want to hear about benzo withdrawal anymore.  And I never told them the worst of it!

[[Gr...]]

Peace ... "multi-tasking" ... I am thankful that I have lost that "talent" ... and I hope I never "find" it again ... for me living is so much "cozier" with "being" with one thing at a time ... and the universe is very generous ... the more I slow down the more I live ...

 

That is one of the "teachings" for me from this process ... time is our ally ... I never want to make it an excuse not to pay attention in the moment ... "I didn't have enough time" ... "I was pressed for time" ... for me these are excuses ... I have the "luxury" of all the time I need ... if I slow down enough to accept this gift ...

 

Your pupils love you for your attention ... your "time" ... sharing your gift of time, I believe, is the "essence" of teaching ...

 

Thank you for the "angel" word ... really, I am just a mischievous old coot bumping along to full recovery ...

 

 

I so agree with you Nova on multitasking.

 

This is a case in which wd is teaching us life lessons . In my case it is teaching me to be more patient as well.

 

Being too busy is something I do not want to go back to, you always get lost in the process. I guess for many people  being busy gives them a sense of importance but I feel you do get lost in the process.

 

Life lessons from wd, anybody else feel they have learned important life lessons ?

 

About my wave, I am much better, thanks for the support everybody.

 

The good thing about having short or inexistent windows is that the suffering is less long.

 

How I got out of it ? A few hours after posting, I decided to watch some videos of Robin Williams. I laughed so much and my symptoms slowly started fading and getting less of my attention. I am glad it worked this time. But it was so hard on Mr Sky, he was exausted.

 

I had awful nightmares during the night. I would wake up screaming and  I forced myself to stay awake the time to read something uplifting that I keep strategically on my bedside table. I did this because, in my experience, if I fall asleep too quickly I risk going on with the nightmare !

 

Nobody can say we are not developing coping skills here !

 

I am still in a wave but it is in my body now, not in my mind. It is like those monsters in fairy tales that get power from our attention and our belief in them.

 

@Sussie, I am sorry you are so bewildered by your DP\dr. Your emotions will come back but for the moment it can be very frustrating and well, creepy.

 

Have a peaceful day everybody !

 

W/d is such a major life changing experience.  There's no way you go through this and not come out a different person.

 

I had a similar experience, bad wave, thought I was in for it, and found a couple of good ways to distract, and the worst passed.  Like you, I have a lot physical issues now.  Let's hope for the best.