6-12 month thread....

[[mr...]]

Peace,

 

I've been reading the ginkgo biloba thread and have been intrigued. I wanted to ask if you found it beneficial? I'd looooove some relief from the fear/anxiety/panic I am considering giving it a go, but would love your feedback!

 

Thanks Coop -- some of the fear(s) feel "deep set" and "permanent", which I know intellectually they aren't. I'm just looking forward to their lifting soon I miss a full life, like all of us do! I hope you are feeling better all the time -- you deserve it

 

Good night to the rest of you Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[Mo...]]

I always love it when Green comes back! 

 

Mommy, I just noticed our jump days are about two days apart, and Green just a bit ahead, Coop a few days after.  I'm looking forward to all the one year celebrations coming up on this thread.

 

You bet!  Huge celebration.  I'm glad Green is back too!

[[Mo...]]

Sky, I understand what you're saying. It feels like living in a body that refuses to listen to you. And sometimes the mind, too. I hate it -- it feels like a total loss of control. But I give it up over to God. Jesus, take the wheel and show me what to do today. Amen.

 

I feel at times almost "sunk in" to the fear & anxiety. The fear feels "deep" or "dark" or something -- does anyone else know what I mean? It feels like the fears will "never leave", and that it will only get "worse". My feelings of hope or joy come in mere glimpses recently; I haven't had a "full" window in a while -- its more like timeframes of lesser symptoms (which I AM GRATEFUL for!); the lies of the mental symptoms can be quite heavy at times...I just praise God that I am healed by His stripes -- this battle has already been fought and won for me(us), praise Him. I just get to watch it unfold. Lord, help keep me strengthened for each day; show me how to walk in your strength & courage every second of every day. And continue to manifest that healing in my body, mind, and brain until nothing is missing, nothing is broken. Protect me in my shortcomings & faults; cover me with the blood in those areas Papa. Thank you Lord.

 

Forgive me for prayerful ramblings. I appreciate you all very much. Looking forward to 100% restoration manifesting soon for us all

 

Take care buddies,

 

Mrs.

 

Staying positive is a huge part of this process so go ahead and speak it forth Mrs. 

[[Mo...]]

Hi Buddies, I wanted to share some of what I have been going through since last Tuesday. As you can see I am almost 6 months off the tiny little pills. I have been hit with a wave for 7 days now. Anxiety, cogfog, agitation, and shaky have been my symptoms. All are normal at this stage of the w/d. I can tell the anxiety is mellowing some so maybe I'm heading out of the wave soon.

 

I had the unreality, cogfog feelings when I was first in tolerance. I suspect it will be the last to go. It really does feel like it will never go away and I'll be stuck like this. I know this isn't true, but nevertheless it feel that way. When you have the anxiety stuff, does it feel like its in your stomach? I just will feel it so strong in my stomach. Thank you for all your support. We are almost home.

 

 

Love Jackie

 

Jackie, yes my stomach has taken a huge but during all of this.  Nausea has been a constant, that or what I call a gut knot.  I have had sensations of an anchor hanging from my throat down to my stomach.  My understand is there are GABA receptors there.  It's called your second brain.

[[Mo...]]

Good night everyone.  Today I had mild dp.  The worst was not having caffeine.  It felt like the flu but I didn't want to have half a cup to fix it.  These hot flashes are too freaky.  Does anyone here still see their detox Dr?  I know Peace was getting lots if support from hers. 

 

I am so sorry for my wavy friends.  All of this is still such a shock.  How can doctors prescribe this?  In my case I refused SSRI so I might still have found myself here. 

 

HH- thank you for checking in.  I am excited for the school year to start here and have a schedule again.  There are many things I want to try to do now that the detox is done.  I will think if you and Peace in your class rooms. 

 

I will pray for everyone before sleep too.  Catching a plane up north tomorrow for our last summer get away.  Will check in later.

 

Hugs,

MommyR

 

 

[[No...]]

Jackie ... the stomach stuff ... yuk ... ideas abound why for some folks their stomach becomes the "centre of the universe" ... I know mine has always been my focus ... ever since I started taking K ... my stomach could write my whole benzo story ...

 

We are indeed very sensitive beings ... and we live because of the "communication" that occurs within our bodies ... many have wonderful descriptions of the myriad processes that are constantly engaged to keep us alive ...

 

My understanding is small ... I believe there are two phenomena at work ... the traditional understanding of the "fight or flight response" is initiated chemically ... and there is the understanding that our 'digestive systems" work via a process of moving things ...

 

For me it makes "sense" that disrupting "normal" processes with a drug will de-stabilize both aspects ... the period of time between withdrawal and recovery is a time of much "confusion" for our bodies ... the good news is that things do return to "balance" ...

 

This "book" stuff does not do me much "good" when I suffer with these symptoms other than offering some insight that helps to keep me "grounded" during the "storms" ...

 

Things do get better ... it just takes way too much time in my opinion ... and I believe it only takes the amount of time necessary to get things back on track ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ...

 

[[No...]]

Peace ... "multi-tasking" ... I am thankful that I have lost that "talent" ... and I hope I never "find" it again ... for me living is so much "cozier" with "being" with one thing at a time ... and the universe is very generous ... the more I slow down the more I live ...

 

That is one of the "teachings" for me from this process ... time is our ally ... I never want to make it an excuse not to pay attention in the moment ... "I didn't have enough time" ... "I was pressed for time" ... for me these are excuses ... I have the "luxury" of all the time I need ... if I slow down enough to accept this gift ...

 

Your pupils love you for your attention ... your "time" ... sharing your gift of time, I believe, is the "essence" of teaching ...

 

Thank you for the "angel" word ... really, I am just a mischievous old coot bumping along to full recovery ...

 

[Guest [su...]]

it's hard waking up with no emotions everyday.. will my emotions come back even if i have d/r?? anyone here have both?

[[Sk...]]

Peace ... "multi-tasking" ... I am thankful that I have lost that "talent" ... and I hope I never "find" it again ... for me living is so much "cozier" with "being" with one thing at a time ... and the universe is very generous ... the more I slow down the more I live ...

 

That is one of the "teachings" for me from this process ... time is our ally ... I never want to make it an excuse not to pay attention in the moment ... "I didn't have enough time" ... "I was pressed for time" ... for me these are excuses ... I have the "luxury" of all the time I need ... if I slow down enough to accept this gift ...

 

Your pupils love you for your attention ... your "time" ... sharing your gift of time, I believe, is the "essence" of teaching ...

 

Thank you for the "angel" word ... really, I am just a mischievous old coot bumping along to full recovery ...

 

 

I so agree with you Nova on multitasking.

 

This is a case in which wd is teaching us life lessons . In my case it is teaching me to be more patient as well.

 

Being too busy is something I do not want to go back to, you always get lost in the process. I guess for many people  being busy gives them a sense of importance but I feel you do get lost in the process.

 

Life lessons from wd, anybody else feel they have learned important life lessons ?

 

About my wave, I am much better, thanks for the support everybody.

 

The good thing about having short or inexistent windows is that the suffering is less long.

 

How I got out of it ? A few hours after posting, I decided to watch some videos of Robin Williams. I laughed so much and my symptoms slowly started fading and getting less of my attention. I am glad it worked this time. But it was so hard on Mr Sky, he was exausted.

 

I had awful nightmares during the night. I would wake up screaming and  I forced myself to stay awake the time to read something uplifting that I keep strategically on my bedside table. I did this because, in my experience, if I fall asleep too quickly I risk going on with the nightmare !

 

Nobody can say we are not developing coping skills here !

 

I am still in a wave but it is in my body now, not in my mind. It is like those monsters in fairy tales that get power from our attention and our belief in them.

 

@Sussie, I am sorry you are so bewildered by your DP\dr. Your emotions will come back but for the moment it can be very frustrating and well, creepy.

 

Have a peaceful day everybody !

[[ja...]]

Thanks Nova.

 

Love Jackie

[[Co...]]

Good morning buddies....

.....How are you doing out there Life?...

...Peace...yes, dropping the multitasking has been a great life lesson for me too. I used to buzz around running circles around my friends . My energy level has always been busy busy busy...and I loved it. ...Now after months of walking hand in hand with time I have learned to do one thing at a time because for so long, and still doing one thing at all was a triumph. I used to wash the dishes by hand and then wash them all over again because it was rhythmic and soothing and distracting and I could do it without thinking. I did the same with folding the laundry and making the bed. I learned so much about how our littlest Montessori students live in the moment with their works.. how setting the table, washing the plants, returning works to the shelf, the elongated meal periods, learning to roll up a work mat...all the care of thus environment and the routines and rhythems of the day...the entire curriculum for our little ones. They had no concept of time or ' getting things done to move on to the next thing that ' had to get done '.( unless time pressure was imposed by an adult). They were completely immersed in the doing. Much like Nova 's ' chop wood carry water '....I was always able to gear down in the classroom because I never wanted to rush or intrude upon a child, but out of the presence of children I was buzzing around ...I don't think I ever got more accomplished by buzzing. Now the 'one thing at a time ' way of life is mandatory as too much can rev up a wave. Most importantly the small moments of the day,  like getting the dog out, going to the grocery, watching Frozen with my grandsons, walking with my friend, growing my patio garden....they all became triumphs and moments of joy because there were too many days in which I could not do them...or be connected to those moments because of fear or d/r of anxiety...now when I am at my baseline I realize how precious the small every day moments are the moments our lives flow from. ...I wont lie...I look forward to picking up the pace a bit but I no longer tell myself " I don't have time "...or rush the dog through his walk...he is another one who whewn smelling the grass is only smelling the grass.

....Peace I think about you every day at your teaching work. I send you prayers daily to support your sacred work....coop

 

[[No...]]

Thank you, Coop ... even my tag line is expanding during this process ... Chop Wood, Carry Water, Smell The Grass ...

 

[[Co...]]

Mrs. I hope your fears are quiet today. This drug that we were prescribed to take for anxiety has played a cruel trick on us and left us with worsened and endless days of fear. We know intellectually that our fears are unfounded but that is no comfort. ..I hate the constant background buzz if fear ..the only thing I have found to resolve it is time..months of time...and the essential support of BBs. Distraction and coping skills get us through , but it seems that it is only time that that leads us out of Alice In Wonderland rabbit hole. ..

......Every day is one day that we never have to do again .. We are with you Mrs....coop

[[ga...]]

Coop...At 14 months now I am dealing with more fear, depressed thoughts and anxiety about the future.  Driving me nuts every morning.  It gradually subsides during the day or when I get some form of distraction going.  Just not being comfortable at where I am in life is the best way to describe it all.  I use to be able to live day to day and enjoy life rather than have these unusual feelings I have now.  I try and take it a day at a time..sometimes moment to moment when things are really out of kilter.  Yes, I guess it is time but it is so frustrating worrying about how your feeling day to day. 

[[Co...]]

My wave is lifting..it took all of yesterday to recover from my day long cascades of panic and dizziness. I was mostly in bed and feeling acute but not riding a panic.

.  I did take 5 mg of the propanolol that my Dr. had prescribed. I will continue to take it in the morning for a few more days as my b/p wants to be elevated in the mornings. Mrs. is right, it helps tamp down the panic and it took some of the punch out of feeling traumatized from the cascading mini panics.

....This morning is starting out at baseline ( 70-75%) ...head pressure is minimal and no depression. ..fear is in the background.  Will go easy through this day. My trust in the process is looking like a three her old 's worn and tattered grungy security blanket but it still feels familiar. 

.....The light of hope is just a flicker today ( I am just too tired from the panic to do the rahrahrah dance this morning), but I am casting my lot with that flicker...and all of you..

......wishing all of you sunbreaks and windows and forever healing.  love, coop

[[Co...]]

Garton....it sounds like intrusive thoughts to me. I know the frustration of ' is this my life now. forever? "  . Have you had any relief or time periods of being free from your worry of the future? If so, I believe you will eventually return to a normal balance of looking forward to the future rather than worrying about it all the time. ...14 months is so huge...I am so glad you are in the group as we really need people who are a year or more out to follow. .. I honestly believe it wont always be like this for you Garton. ...Coop

[[ga...]]

I appreciate the positive comments Cooper.  It has been more of a problem the past few weeks.  There are some minor life stressors that I think could be triggering it.  Yes there are some breaks now and then.  I hold out hope this will settle down sometime in the future.  I have had trouble with sleep and I'm sure that also plays a part in this.  Good luck to you today in dealing with your issues.  My thoughts are with all who are working so hard to get this behind them.  I feel your pain.  IT WILL GET BETTER!

[[fl...]]

Dear Garton, we all stand with you.  I hope relief comes your way today.

 

Coop, your post about walking hand-in-hand with time was really moving.  You really have a way with words, and I always enjoy your rich descriptions. 

[[ga...]]

Best wishes to you also floc.

[[li...]]

I appreciate the positive comments Cooper.  It has been more of a problem the past few weeks.  There are some minor life stressors that I think could be triggering it.  Yes there are some breaks now and then.  I hold out hope this will settle down sometime in the future.  I have had trouble with sleep and I'm sure that also plays a part in this.  Good luck to you today in dealing with your issues.  My thoughts are with all who are working so hard to get this behind them.  I feel your pain.  IT WILL GET BETTER!

 

Garton, I know how you feel. I think the reason for the heightened anxiety and depression is because as we move on in this process there is a set of expectations that we have. For instance, I would have never thought in a million years that one of my worst waves was to come in month 11. I was doing so well and then boom. I know for a fact that I was hot with extreme stressors that continue on until this day and that is the reason for the wave -- but I ask will big stress always put me into a wave. i should hope not. I know I will make it out of this situation but I wonder why my brain locks in on worry and doe snot let it go.

 

life

[[Co...]]

Garton, am I reading your signature right?...jumped ativan in July?...c/t?....Are you in acute?...If so...as you know, acute is the thick of it. If s/x are lifting in the afternoon. that is a very good sign of progress. My s/x seem to lift towards afternoon as well...but I am nearly 10 months out. You are doing a great job with this Garton...keep it going ..you will get to the end of this and have your life back. ....so glad that you are here in the group with us. ....coop

[[ga...]]

I know pretty much what you're enduring Life.  It's discouraging this far out.  Unfortunately, I ran across a thread having to do with individuals that are 3 to 5 years out still experiencing many of these sxs.  That really got me down.  I know from reading that there will be a minority who fall in this category.  How will you ever know for certain that this is just the way we are wired or is it still the result of the benzo use and just slow healing.  That really drives me crazy just thinking about it. 

[[Co...]]

Garton...I misread your signature line...now I get it...you jumped in July of 2013...sorry, my mind is muswh and I am still dizzy so reading is iffy...at best. ..Still...14 months is huge. My progress is similar..10 months ( Dec 4 was my jump day...of 2013). ...pretty much hell after the first 6 weeks of p/w. Month 6 was a terror every day.  Month 7 was somewhat better. Month 8 was up and down. Month 9-9.5 was good improvement and I waspicking up pieces of my life. I thought things were moving in the direction of healing. Month 10 is looking like acute all over again...cascading panics ( daily it seems), elevated b/p, rampent health fear, head pressure and now dizziness that keeps me in bed when it hits ( although I just started a low dose of propanolol and that could be a side effect...I don't recall this kind of dizziness in acute), ...I share your feeling of disillusionment. I did not ever have this kind of anxiety in my life. I have always had doctor and hospital fear but not the rest of it. ...Don't go to the protracted boards...Many buddies report having waves far into the first year with healing following soon after. I am hoping for that. You are in good company here with buddies close to or recently stepping over the year mark. You are much closer to the year mark than you are to the protracted frame of time.

....Having said all of that, I understand the doubt because for the past few days I have had the same doubts. ...Have you had some windows along the way? . .I am trying not to give up. On really bad days I 'rest ' as much as possible from the whole thing ..watch bad TV...write on BBs..read if I can concentrate...de-stress where I can...Hang in with us here Garton...you will find stories very similar to yours here...you are going to heal too...coop

 

[[ga...]]

Yes...the good news is that there have been good periods along the way.  This is just a setback.  I should know better than to look at posts from the protracted board.  There was even one here regarding 38 months out and still having issues.  Best to stay away from that stuff.  I get myself in trouble reading that stuff.  Part of my negative attitude I guess.  I know it is an issue for very few so why should I throw myself in that category at this point.  Hard to drum up positives when you're having intrusive thoughts along with little sleep.

[[Co...]]

Hi Floc ....you are just ahead of me...we are going to get there.  I am hoping to have the biggest Valentine's Day ever...that will be about 14.5 months for me.. and I am hoping that Christmas is more healed and less wavy. We are all so close, but sometimes as Life says, things seem to be getting more difficult rather than less.  So disheartening. I keep clinging to HealingHope 's story and posts. She is somewhere between 12-14 months ( I think) and doing very well and has,  for the most part, her life back. ......coop