6-12 month thread....

[[No...]]

I believe this speaks to all of us ... our stories matter ... for ourselves and for each other and for our communities ...

 

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Tuesday, Aug. 26

 

We will be known forever by the tracks we leave.

 

Dakota proverb

 

 

[Guest [su...]]

does everyone here have their mental state back yet?? feeling like their old selves?? i'm almost finished 8 months and still can feel like my old self yet..  just wondering if that's unusual??

[[pe...]]

Susie,

I don't have my 'mental state' back. Things have improved here and there but most moments in most days are still strange and exhausting. We're all still on our way to great health, even this far out. It's not unusual that you don't yet feel like your old self. You will. It will just take more time.

 

Love you buddies,

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Green, Mommy, Jenny, Mrs, Life and Lisa....thank you for the support yesterday...it was a tough day.. On days like that it is BBs that sees me through. Today I am feeling tired and beat up..but ready to have. better day.....and wishing the same for all of you....coop

[[Co...]]

Green...I am exactly where you are. I am so glad you had that wonderful window day at the beach...you so had it coming. ....My heart is with you as you go through this wave...I am riding it with you. I understand the feeling of withdrawing into yourself during. a wave...anything and everything is such an effort. I think of Peace every time I think that getting out of bed is beyond me today.

......The d/r d/p is such a weird place to dwell. I hope all of this lifts for you right now ...today. I don't 'feel ' it today, but my mind 'knows ' that we are going to heal. I love Life 's affirmation, " I accept where I am, I believe I will heal ". I will be working on that all day. I am also right there with you with head pressure, headache and leg pain. I know it's w/d for both of us...we couldn't both be dying at the same time with the same s/x ( sorry..little dark humor though none of this is funny).

........I am thinking of you Green,...can't wait to hear of your next beautiful day at the beach. ..love to you friend....coop

 

[[Sk...]]

Today is really  awful.

 

The DP\Dr is brutal, my body has gone crazy suddenly.

 

I am crying and feel so  vanquished. This thing is not me. I just feel like yelling and yelling and then some.

 

I have run out of things to tell myself to sooth the symptoms. The 10 month wave that is a turning point and then we will find out about some other important wave awaiting us, that will be a turnpoint. They are alll turnpoints, but I have nothing to show for it.

 

I hate doing this to the thread but this is bigger than me  today.

 

Be well everybody, I am sorry I am so angry .

[Guest [su...]]

omg sky i have those days too.. i can't believe i'm still suffering this crap after only 6 weeks use ever .. poison it is..  but we'll get through it somehow.. i'm having a very odd day, i can't even explain it..

[[li...]]

Peace-- your post is so incredibly humble and sweet and shows me how incredibly wonderful your heart is. Peace I bet no one is noticing anything "off" about you. We tend to be so introspective that we are sure people are looking at us and noticing our discomfort or anxiety, but I don't think they notice at all. My mom who know how bad I suffer from anxiety will often ask me how are you doing? And I will tell her I'm on the verge of a panic attack and she says I look perfectly normal and that if she didn't know me she wouldn't notice anything different or anxious about me. I just know your gonna do fine, it takes a few weeks for everyone to settle into a routine and then once all the newness settles down, I think your stress will go down with it. Thinking of you always, jenny

 

Jenny and Peace, anyone that has had any level of anxiety has learned to mask it from others. As a matter of fact many famous people with OCD are actors as they are the best to blend in in the light of all kinds of anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

 

Green, was saying something about keeping active and "doing" sometimes what you were afraid of d"doing". I think this is so important to keep busy and for that reason I believe that Peace will come out of this sooner due to her work. Constantly thinking of our symptoms happens in times when we are all alone especially... even though there are many time I want to be all alone I realize that it is not good for my anxiety. G

 

Going into your fears is like desiring short term pain for long term gain -- running form your fears is like gaining short term relief with long term consequences. Much of this is nothing more than a head game gone wild. We all have some level of anxiety --couple that with the benzo beast and what we are dealing with is anxiety on steroids. If 14 months is all we are in for then that is a marathon I am willing to run>

 

I am feling much better today and Love to all!

 

Life

[Guest [su...]]

what i'd pay to have a day of being my old self back...

[[ga...]]

Life...You hit the nail on the head. I find times when I sit at home watching TV, or on my laptop I have more time to "think".  Not necessarily a good thing if the thinking is about how you are feeling and wondering why and when it will improve.  For me, I have days that go by like this and I really get down.  When I go play golf, which is once a week or get out for a workout and going to work which is three to four days a week I have a better shot at getting out of my own way and not so wrapped up in my thoughts.  Part of my problem is having to much down time.  I know many like not having much to do and just taking it easy.  I would love to become more accepting of this in my life.  For many it is a matter of staying busy with something or just any kind of distraction.  It's hard sometimes to find distraction when you are tired and feeling plain lousy.  Easier to sit at home.

[[Gr...]]

GreenIce ... thank you for telling us "where you are" and for your efforts to "stay connected" ... eloquence doesn't enter into it ... this a nuts and bolts experience ... real "lunch pail" stuff ... and it is very hard ... day in and day out ... exhausting ...

 

I believe there is no "fighting" this stuff ... this is a time of "endurance" and "survival" ... you are going to get to the other side ... you know your "stuff" ... and you are doing a remarkable job of keeping things together during this time ...

 

And yes I posted a "success story" ... I did it very selfishly, for myself ... I am drug free, I survived acute, and I am getting better, much better ... I posted that story to "mark" where I am in this process ... to help me change my experience of this process from one of day to day struggle to one of "intentionally" getting on with my life ... one of "re-entry" ... to help me find new ways I can "push" myself ... during the next stage of my recovery ...

 

I hear in your words the same hope I have, the same day to day-ness of this process you feel, the same longing to be "connected" ... the same dream to "be" in my life without the drug and its consequences ...

 

All we need is a little more time ...

 

 

Nova, thank you so much for this.  As I read your kind supportive words, the damn burst and the tears flowed, but I needed to cry, because, as you say, this is so hard.  You've been unbelievably strong and steady throughout, and I'm very grateful to have you here today.

[[Gr...]]

Green...I am exactly where you are. I am so glad you had that wonderful window day at the beach...you so had it coming. ....My heart is with you as you go through this wave...I am riding it with you. I understand the feeling of withdrawing into yourself during. a wave...anything and everything is such an effort. I think of Peace every time I think that getting out of bed is beyond me today.

......The d/r d/p is such a weird place to dwell. I hope all of this lifts for you right now ...today. I don't 'feel ' it today, but my mind 'knows ' that we are going to heal. I love Life 's affirmation, " I accept where I am, I believe I will heal ". I will be working on that all day. I am also right there with you with head pressure, headache and leg pain. I know it's w/d for both of us...we couldn't both be dying at the same time with the same s/x ( sorry..little dark humor though none of this is funny).

........I am thinking of you Green,...can't wait to hear of your next beautiful day at the beach. ..love to you friend....coop

 

Thanks, Coop, I'm hanging in there.  Nova's post helped me a lot.  Just burst into tears, but that's a good release, and I needed to. 

 

You know my jump date is right behind yours, so I KNEW I was in for trouble.  Seems like everybody is taking a licking in this tenth month.  Hoping we all feel better pretty soon

[[Gr...]]

Today is really  awful.

 

The DP\Dr is brutal, my body has gone crazy suddenly.

 

I am crying and feel so  vanquished. This thing is not me. I just feel like yelling and yelling and then some.

 

I have run out of things to tell myself to sooth the symptoms. The 10 month wave that is a turning point and then we will find out about some other important wave awaiting us, that will be a turnpoint. They are alll turnpoints, but I have nothing to show for it.

 

I hate doing this to the thread but this is bigger than me  today.

 

Be well everybody, I am sorry I am so angry .

 

Sky, angry is good.  Even in this God awful wave today, I'm pretty sure this can't go on forever.  Everybody eventually gets better.  and so will we 

[[Gr...]]

does everyone here have their mental state back yet?? feeling like their old selves?? i'm almost finished 8 months and still can feel like my old self yet..  just wondering if that's unusual??

 

Sussie, I think that's a touch of the DP/DR.  It took me a while to figure out what that "not quite myself" feeling was.  It means you're getting better that you notice it.  We don't focus on it for a while, because we have so many other more pressing s/x in the beginning.  Anyway, it's kind of common and once you understand it you'll figure out ways to cope and compensate until it goes away.

[[Mo...]]

Today is really  awful.

 

The DP\Dr is brutal, my body has gone crazy suddenly.

 

I am crying and feel so  vanquished. This thing is not me. I just feel like yelling and yelling and then some.

 

I have run out of things to tell myself to sooth the symptoms. The 10 month wave that is a turning point and then we will find out about some other important wave awaiting us, that will be a turnpoint. They are alll turnpoints, but I have nothing to show for it.

 

I hate doing this to the thread but this is bigger than me  today.

 

Be well everybody, I am sorry I am so angry .

 

Sky, angry is good.  Even in this God awful wave today, I'm pretty sure this can't go on forever.  Everybody eventually gets better.  and so will we 

 

I'm with Green on this.  Mrs posted 3 threads showing success all the way thru protracted.  While it is extremely miserable.. I mean extremely miserable.. This can not go on.  Please, piece the remainder of your day out.  Cut it up into portions.  Do the minimum.  Make peace with surviving for today and maybe even tomorrow.  If the window shows up, embrace it.  See it for the healing it is. 

[[fl...]]

I always love it when Green comes back! 

 

Mommy, I just noticed our jump days are about two days apart, and Green just a bit ahead, Coop a few days after.  I'm looking forward to all the one year celebrations coming up on this thread.

[[mr...]]

Sky, I understand what you're saying. It feels like living in a body that refuses to listen to you. And sometimes the mind, too. I hate it -- it feels like a total loss of control. But I give it up over to God. Jesus, take the wheel and show me what to do today. Amen.

 

I feel at times almost "sunk in" to the fear & anxiety. The fear feels "deep" or "dark" or something -- does anyone else know what I mean? It feels like the fears will "never leave", and that it will only get "worse". My feelings of hope or joy come in mere glimpses recently; I haven't had a "full" window in a while -- its more like timeframes of lesser symptoms (which I AM GRATEFUL for!); the lies of the mental symptoms can be quite heavy at times...I just praise God that I am healed by His stripes -- this battle has already been fought and won for me(us), praise Him. I just get to watch it unfold. Lord, help keep me strengthened for each day; show me how to walk in your strength & courage every second of every day. And continue to manifest that healing in my body, mind, and brain until nothing is missing, nothing is broken. Protect me in my shortcomings & faults; cover me with the blood in those areas Papa. Thank you Lord.

 

Forgive me for prayerful ramblings. I appreciate you all very much. Looking forward to 100% restoration manifesting soon for us all

 

Take care buddies,

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

Today is really  awful.

 

The DP\Dr is brutal, my body has gone crazy suddenly.

 

I am crying and feel so  vanquished. This thing is not me. I just feel like yelling and yelling and then some.

 

I have run out of things to tell myself to sooth the symptoms. The 10 month wave that is a turning point and then we will find out about some other important wave awaiting us, that will be a turnpoint. They are alll turnpoints, but I have nothing to show for it.

 

I hate doing this to the thread but this is bigger than me  today.

 

Be well everybody, I am sorry I am so angry .

 

Sky-

I'm so sorry. I hope things are better now, as they can shift from moment to moment. There is not a lot to do at this point in healing except what Novs says, endure and survive. I've started listening to healing and self esteem affirmations by Louise Hay just to try to get my thoughts going in a more positive direction at least some of the time. You could even put it on in the background and maybe feel some positive effect. I hope this eases soon and forever.

Peace2

[[pe...]]

 

Green, was saying something about keeping active and "doing" sometimes what you were afraid of d"doing". I think this is so important to keep busy and for that reason I believe that Peace will come out of this sooner due to her work.

 

Life- I'm hoping this theory is correct, that working could support my healing. I hope at least it doesn't set me back. The days are going by pretty quickly, though they are tough. I'm managing to get things done one at a time. This is the most mindful I think I've ever had to be at work. I just can't multitask and that might be a good exercise.

 

Peace2

[[fl...]]

Sky, (love your username, btw), I'm glad you shared how you're feeling, warts and all.  It's healthy for you, and you know this is a safe place cause we all get it, and we stand with you.

[[pe...]]

Green-

I'm glad you're here so we can 'be' with you during this wave. I agree, Nova's post rang true to my heart. Sometimes I wonder if he's really a man going through withdrawal or an angel visiting the thread to keep us on track. Either way, we're so very lucky. I hope this wave is on its way out. I'm thinking of you.

 

Peace2

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone,

I haven't been able to go back through and read so many posts, but I'll scroll through later.  I have been back at work for in-service since Monday and things are OK.  Yesterday was really good, and today was rather wavy.  My anxiety is heightened, and that always happens this time of the year, however it doesn't seem as intense as it has been the past several years.  I felt a fairly constant chest tension today, which always tries to freak me out.  This is still the w/d because I never really felt chest anxiety like this before benzos.  It's just a weird sensation, that tends to sit centered over my sternum but sometimes wraps around my rib cage.  I know that my overall anxiety is decreased, though.  Another positive is that I feel much more clear-headed than I did at this time last year.  I'm able to plan, make lists, make decisions, and execute much easier.  Thursday will be another big hurdle to get over as it is Open House for parents to come in and hear about the school year. 

 

Peace, I am thinking about you a lot.  This back to school stuff is tough, isn't it? 

 

Lots of love to you all. Hang in there. 

HH

[[ja...]]

Hi Buddies, I wanted to share some of what I have been going through since last Tuesday. As you can see I am almost 6 months off the tiny little pills. I have been hit with a wave for 7 days now. Anxiety, cogfog, agitation, and shaky have been my symptoms. All are normal at this stage of the w/d. I can tell the anxiety is mellowing some so maybe I'm heading out of the wave soon.

 

I had the unreality, cogfog feelings when I was first in tolerance. I suspect it will be the last to go. It really does feel like it will never go away and I'll be stuck like this. I know this isn't true, but nevertheless it feel that way. When you have the anxiety stuff, does it feel like its in your stomach? I just will feel it so strong in my stomach. Thank you for all your support. We are almost home.

 

 

Love Jackie

[[Co...]]

Floc....me too...can't wait for the Christmas celebrations of all of us stepping over the one year mark. I love it too when Green is on...always so honest and reasssuring...

....Mrs...yes, I know exactly that deep undefinable lurking fear that you are talking about. It seems to want to be the sister shadow to our spirits...always there...always telling us something is terribly wrong and something scary and bad is rising on the horizon. For me it is a constant feeling of an impending health crisis and a feeling of death premonition ( seriously)..I will say that when I am holding on to my baseline it is not nearly as awful as it was in month 6. I think it is intrusive thinking which is do common...a feeling of fear that attaches itself to every day activities and thoughts. Like Mommy 's fear of knives ( I think it was Mommy)...or my fear of taking a bath..random everyday thoughts laced with cirtisol and dread. ...It gets better. I only get this intensel now if I am having scary physical s/x. depression in a wave.

...I am sorry Mrs that you are suffering this You have great faith which is such a support to you. and you inspire all of us.. You are going to make it Mrs. ....coop

[[Co...]]

Green...how are you today? ..d/r and d/p makes me want to stay in a quiet room where every sound and sight does not overwhelm me with that feeling of voices coming from tin cans and that everything I see is out of perspective and moving in slow motion. ...I am really hoping that you are feeling better......we will get there too...sending you sunbreaks...coop