6-12 month thread....

[[Co...]]

Anybody still having full blown ' I am dying right this minute' panic attacks past 8 months. I just can't believe it....I had a simple doctor 's appointment for a well check...nothing but a chat and b/p check...I knew I was heading in panic direction when I left and I should have taken half of a propanolol at that time...but oh no...I decided to 'work with it '. ...Sure enough I got dizzy, feeling like I was going to pass out for sure, my b/p shot up to 170/90...blurry vision and extreme dissociation ....one big episode with some lesser waves.... It started this morning with some dizziness that scared me...and my friend 's. story about her mother 's brain cancer....I knew from that point was a downward spiral and desperate failed attempts to hang on to the edge of shredding sanity....got home.. my b/p ...130/70.  dizziness gone.. panic settling.....I am in bed.

....All this drama after a very good day yesterday...is our improvement so fragile that going to the doctor for a simple well check throws us into uncontrollable 911 panic?... Am I destined to live a life of caution and avoiding all things emotional?...

...Anyone else playing dodge ball with panic and anxiety?..  Could somebody describe their panic attack?...I can get so caught in thinking mine are really serious medical conditions..

...thanks friends...I wawnt this to be so over for all of us...coop

[[Co...]]

High Nova...so nice to see you again. I love your anology of 'telling ourselves swtories "...so true ..the smallest wave of dizziness can have me writing ER scripts within seconds. I am still struggling with health fears ...the smallest thing sets them off. ...

.....How is life on your side of Success? .... So glad for you ...You are so kind and generous to stop in and chat with us ..and leave a little wisdom with us....coop

[[mr...]]

"You know, I was just thinking about my "tapering time". Back then I expected the windows and waves with the hope that things will get better when I am off this benzo garbage. So, it was to be expected and we all joined up for that. But you just said that you had a 4 week wave late in your recovery? That is what perplexes me and I think I am starting to understand the psychology of this whole withdrawal crap. Look, I do not think that any of us signed up for a massive 3 and 4 week waves in the 11 month and as Coop says "acute symptoms" this late in the game. I think my waves are getting worts because my perception of what "should" be is being challenged. I mean, in my book when I first started this journey, all of us pass 6 months "should" be healed by now.

 

So what do I do now that I am 11 months and still not healed? I either reconsider what I am doing or accept the facts as they are and not get any more bothered by these waves than I did when I had waves in acute or taper. I mean, I am where I am and if accept that and understand that then I will not be destroyed by these waves. After 8,9,10,11 months -- you simply get tired. So we are all here to do the marathon -- or we are not. I am going for the marathon but I sure hope that no one moves the tape on me. This is getting old.

 

I accept where I am and I believe I will heal. Truthfully it gets harder and harder to believe that I will heal the further out I go BUT I cant forget that average healing time around this place is 14 months. So until I get to that benchmark I will not make any harsh judgements -- as hard as it is. I would wager this is all w/d as these windows and waves are too extreme to be a condition. Love to all.

 

Life"

 

Life,

 

WOW. I stinkin' freakin' needed to hear what you wrote today. Hello -- gut check much?!

 

Thanks for that, buddy. I'm linking arms with you. Let's go.

 

Mrs.

[[li...]]

Anybody still having full blown ' I am dying right this minute' panic attacks past 8 months. I just can't believe it....I had a simple doctor 's appointment for a well check...nothing but a chat and b/p check...I knew I was heading in panic direction when I left and I should have taken half of a propanolol at that time...but oh no...I decided to 'work with it '. ...Sure enough I got dizzy, feeling like I was going to pass out for sure, my b/p shot up to 170/90...blurry vision and extreme dissociation ....one big episode with some lesser waves.... It started this morning with some dizziness that scared me...and my friend 's. story about her mother 's brain cancer....I knew from that point was a downward spiral and desperate failed attempts to hang on to the edge of shredding sanity....got home.. my b/p ...130/70.  dizziness gone.. panic settling.....I am in bed.

....All this drama after a very good day yesterday...is our improvement so fragile that going to the doctor for a simple well check throws us into uncontrollable 911 panic?... Am I destined to live a life of caution and avoiding all things emotional?...

...Anyone else playing dodge ball with panic and anxiety?..  Could somebody describe their panic attack?...I can get so caught in thinking mine are really serious medical conditions..

...thanks friends...I wawnt this to be so over for all of us...coop

 

I don't get full on panic attacks Coop, but I sure do get a rapid heart rate, spiraling anxiety, blurry vision, bP spikes, and out of control thoughts with sweats and clammy hand... Now, I just wrote that I do not get them but I sure described the symptoms. Hum? I typically do not get that way however unless I have been in several hours of spiraling anxiety only to go up against  a stressful situation. The last time that happened to me was when I visited a doctor a week ago. I do not think it was the doctor though-- I think it was the fact that I spiraled for hours about so many other things and then went to see the doctor -- kind of the straw that broke the camels back.

 

Go figure.

 

Life

[[Co...]]

Awww, Life..." I accept where I am and I believe I will heal "....perfect...your determination absolutley inspires me. You are so honest about your frustration and steadfast in spite of too long waves in month 11 and the fear of not healing. ...I am with you Life..I am trying to know that 14 monthjs is the average healing time ( although I was sure I was going to be good to go by month 6... HA!). ....Me too...on all counts...can't believe its still going on....tired tired tired...scared it wont end ...but in it for the distance. ...and the only thing that keeps me in the marathon is BB friends.....We are going to be ok Life. .tired and worn out...but ok.

  ..I have lost track of some of the posts...are you getting any sunbreaks from your depression? .I really hope so..you have been an absolute warrior over these 11 months and your taper...we love you Life....coop

 

[[je...]]

Hi Coop,

 

I get like that if I have to do anything social, it spirals me into extreme panic attack. I will also start working myself up about way before the actual event. I have a wedding shower to go to in a few weeks and I'm already coming up with excuses not to go. I just can't handle groups of people where I have to be social, it amps up my anxiety in a big way. I have a big fear of doctors too, so a doctor appt would for sure send me into a panic attack even if it was for nothing serious. Hang in there coop, we are all here for you jenny

[[mr...]]

Anybody still having full blown ' I am dying right this minute' panic attacks past 8 months. I just can't believe it....I had a simple doctor 's appointment for a well check...nothing but a chat and b/p check...I knew I was heading in panic direction when I left and I should have taken half of a propanolol at that time...but oh no...I decided to 'work with it '. ...Sure enough I got dizzy, feeling like I was going to pass out for sure, my b/p shot up to 170/90...blurry vision and extreme dissociation ....one big episode with some lesser waves.... It started this morning with some dizziness that scared me...and my friend 's. story about her mother 's brain cancer....I knew from that point was a downward spiral and desperate failed attempts to hang on to the edge of shredding sanity....got home.. my b/p ...130/70.  dizziness gone.. panic settling.....I am in bed.

....All this drama after a very good day yesterday...is our improvement so fragile that going to the doctor for a simple well check throws us into uncontrollable 911 panic?... Am I destined to live a life of caution and avoiding all things emotional?...

...Anyone else playing dodge ball with panic and anxiety?..  Could somebody describe their panic attack?...I can get so caught in thinking mine are really serious medical conditions..

...thanks friends...I wawnt this to be so over for all of us...coop

 

I hear dat, buddy.

 

That's all's I gots to say about that.

 

Arms linked with you, too, buddy

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

I'm not able to keep up with posts since returning to work. I'm barely able to keep up with work since returning to work. Thank you for all the encouragement. I don't have to tell you how hard this is. Dr is my new constant and I'll take it over depression. But I can't follow things very well, remember things, or look people in the eye. This is a problem and I'm trying to compensate the best I can. I smile a lot. I write everything down. I spend time in silent prayer. I'm not sure if this is good for me, bad for me or inconsequential. All the stress, but also all the joy. I love my new school. I love the assistant assigned to my class. I love setting up my classroom and making new systems. I met a sweet child who will be in my class. I want to be his teacher, but I'm honestly not sure what I can be to him right now. I'm exhausted. I'm disappointed. I'm a tiny bit hopeful. I'm ready, as all of you are, to be free. This next month is really the test for me, if I can get parents to trust me, if I can get the ball rolling, if I can teach.

 

I love you all so very much. I want so badly for the waves to end and for peace and joy to wash over you all. You are all so strong and brave. So present on this thread. Thank you. Thinking of you.

 

Peace2

[[je...]]

Peace-- your post is so incredibly humble and sweet and shows me how incredibly wonderful your heart is. Peace I bet no one is noticing anything "off" about you. We tend to be so introspective that we are sure people are looking at us and noticing our discomfort or anxiety, but I don't think they notice at all. My mom who know how bad I suffer from anxiety will often ask me how are you doing? And I will tell her I'm on the verge of a panic attack and she says I look perfectly normal and that if she didn't know me she wouldn't notice anything different or anxious about me. I just know your gonna do fine, it takes a few weeks for everyone to settle into a routine and then once all the newness settles down, I think your stress will go down with it. Thinking of you always, jenny

[[pe...]]

Jenny - Thank you for the vote of confidence. I hope things settle out in a few weeks. Today a teacher came to speak with me about the children from his class who are moving into mine. He said that I always look like a deer in headlights.  That was not such a vote of confidence. Teachers tend to be more keyed in, more intuitive than average people. It's one of the things I like about teaching.

I know that whatever happens, I'll be ok. It's not entirely up to me, none of it. The withdrawal, others' perceptions - it's going to unfold in some unknown way and I'll just keep doing my best. But I appreciate you being here. I really do.

 

Peace2

[[Mo...]]

I'm not able to keep up with posts since returning to work. I'm barely able to keep up with work since returning to work. Thank you for all the encouragement. I don't have to tell you how hard this is. Dr is my new constant and I'll take it over depression. But I can't follow things very well, remember things, or look people in the eye. This is a problem and I'm trying to compensate the best I can. I smile a lot. I write everything down. I spend time in silent prayer. I'm not sure if this is good for me, bad for me or inconsequential. All the stress, but also all the joy. I love my new school. I love the assistant assigned to my class. I love setting up my classroom and making new systems. I met a sweet child who will be in my class. I want to be his teacher, but I'm honestly not sure what I can be to him right now. I'm exhausted. I'm disappointed. I'm a tiny bit hopeful. I'm ready, as all of you are, to be free. This next month is really the test for me, if I can get parents to trust me, if I can get the ball rolling, if I can teach.

 

I love you all so very much. I want so badly for the waves to end and for peace and joy to wash over you all. You are all so strong and brave. So present on this thread. Thank you. Thinking of you.

 

Peace2

 

That kind of talk is what let's you know the good stuff is firing off.  You are healing.  The brain is trying to stabilize.  Anytime you can feel a good emotion and a bad on is AWESOME!!!  Trust me on this.  I remember my first sensation of joy with depression.  It was so wonderful to have dueling emotions.  After that I just had to look for things.  The little things.  The physical stuff, is just going to have to heal.  I would love to have you for my childs teacher!  I know you will get the job done.

[[Mo...]]

Anybody still having full blown ' I am dying right this minute' panic attacks past 8 months. I just can't believe it....I had a simple doctor 's appointment for a well check...nothing but a chat and b/p check...I knew I was heading in panic direction when I left and I should have taken half of a propanolol at that time...but oh no...I decided to 'work with it '. ...Sure enough I got dizzy, feeling like I was going to pass out for sure, my b/p shot up to 170/90...blurry vision and extreme dissociation ....one big episode with some lesser waves.... It started this morning with some dizziness that scared me...and my friend 's. story about her mother 's brain cancer....I knew from that point was a downward spiral and desperate failed attempts to hang on to the edge of shredding sanity....got home.. my b/p ...130/70.  dizziness gone.. panic settling.....I am in bed.

....All this drama after a very good day yesterday...is our improvement so fragile that going to the doctor for a simple well check throws us into uncontrollable 911 panic?... Am I destined to live a life of caution and avoiding all things emotional?...

...Anyone else playing dodge ball with panic and anxiety?..  Could somebody describe their panic attack?...I can get so caught in thinking mine are really serious medical conditions..

...thanks friends...I wawnt this to be so over for all of us...coop

 

Coop - that is where I have been the last two days.  My chest pain is very tight.  If I give it even the slightest bit of energy I feel like I am going to pass out.  I am sure there are bloodclots behind my knees and armpits.  It's ridiculous, right?  There really isn't anything setting it off.  No doctors appt. Nothing facing me... just normal everyday life and the benzo demon yelling lies thru it's megaphone.

 

I asked my husband to reason with me on it.  Aside from him telling me I am a hypochondriac (which I kinda am)  in that I always think the worst first.. here are the facts.. I have had an ultrasound on my heart that shows no plaque anywhere and I have had 3 of those ekg things.  I have had my cholesterol and triglycerides tested.  All normal.  SO... my mind is left with too much caffeine.  Then let's drop kick that monkey off my back.

 

I am THRILLED at the Teeccino discovery and LOVE that you know all about it!!  Yes, tons of glorious flavors!!  I can not wait to wake up to it tomorrow. 

 

A few moments ago I asked my husband to let me get an "Osteen' in to try to get this off of me.  It was really really good.  If you have a moment watch it.. It's called, "Focus on the Promise, not the problem'.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JY52-iFrkms  This guy is a master at matters of the mind.  If we are going to call ourselves 'believers' then I don't see where I can disagree with anything this guy is saying. It really lifted me.

 

My chest is still tight, but it's organic for the most part.  I have done all I can do.  While I don't like resting in that, I have no other choice. 

 

Life and Jenny - We are in it to win it.  I am not bad enough to be 'medicated'.  I'm just not.  I can't see an SSRI fixing any of this.  Did you know I have done a marathon?  Supposedly only 1% of the population can say that.. so Hello from the 1%!  Way back then (98) on the way to do the marathon, we (my sis took me) passed a car that had broken down and a runner was standing beside it with his 'tag' on his shirt.  I got sick to my stomach.  My first marriage was in absolute shambles.  I had recently found out by anonymous phone call a co-worker had given birth to his child.  I had been given SSRI's briefly and it is why I will never take one again.  I would rather face life head on then be numbed by that crap ever again.  When I got to mile 22, I remember feeling this total emptiness of energy and motivation.  I wasn't running anymore.  I was walking and just making it past the water stations as they were almost empty.  My feet hurt.  I was also doing the race with a team I had trained with, but no one was there at the time.  My first husband 'promised to come' but every corner I turned he wasn't there.  It was a a gut wrenching time in my life.  When I got mile 25 (I think) I remember people standing there clapping and cheering me on.  I picked up my pace a little.  Then in the distance I saw a row of police officers.  They were standing at the finish line.  A woman officer reached forward to me as I came up.  She put a medal around my neck and 'said, Congratulation ma'am.  You did it".  I couldn't believe it!!  I had made it.  All the training and tribulation both physical and emotional.  It was a full time job training for that thing 4 nights a week and Sat and Sunday.  I looked for my team, but saw my family there.  My sis was waving for me.  My mom and dad had driven in.  I sat down and drank some water.  Just like that it was done. 

 

I am counting on it with this.  Just like that it will be done.  Years later I did the Avon 60 day Breast Cancer walk.  This time a handsome young man (my then boyfriend now husband) was waiting for me each day at the end of the walk.  He was so proud of me!  It was a completely different experience. 

 

We are sooooo going to do this.  14 months , 2 years... As long as there is progress I am cool with it.  Perspective baby..

[[Gr...]]

I am having a tough time guys. I guess its due to certain life situations. I really do not know what to do. I have convinced myself that until my life situation is better I wont heal and will remain in a wave. Sorry for being so down but I am not up dosing from gabapentin and I am not going to forget that I will get better. I am just in a weird place. I never thought I would feel like this agin in my life but here I am convincing myself it will get worse before it gets better in my life. Where does this stuff come from?

Life, "certain life situations" got me on benzos in the first place.  I know they're out there.  I often wonder if my intrusive thought fears came true, how would I handle it.  I don't know.  I do know that you feeling sick and stressed out will have ABSOLUTELY ZERO POSITIVE EFFECT ON THE OUTCOME OF THE SITUATION YOU'RE ANXIOUS ABOUT,  AND MAY EVEN CONTRIBUTE TO A NEGATIVE RESULT.  And it's definitely affecting your wellbeing.

 

Green you are 100% correct! I really appreciate it! My thinking has gone like this..."since I am not healed 100% yet, I am susceptible to stress. So I can not control it"... That is a benzo LIE. I will choose not to believe it! I know that I am healed enough to know what are thoughts that are intrusive. I am absolutely furious at the lies of this benzo beast. I am in control of what I think about. I can and will make it! Just last month I was at a 75% -80% baseline all month with a great window and here I am today thinking I cant keep up. That is crazy! I will choose not to believe these lies. I am stronger than that.

 

Life

 

 

Life, it's two days since I wrote that post to you, and I'm struggling with awful intrusive thoughts now, too.  If that's what you're dealing with, it's very difficult.  These are the mental s/x, I think that we hear about in the second phase of w/d.  And they're very difficult.  But what you said is right, you're stronger than that, we all are.  We have to use every trick in the book to fight the head s/x cuz they will put us back into bed. 

 

 

[[Gr...]]

yesterday all day i had intrusive thoughts and today none... go figure.. whats it all about??

 

Yeah, what is that about?  I'm exhausted from trying to fight them off.  It's so loud in my head.

[[Gr...]]

Greenice, I'm right where you and Sky are.  I think I'm pretty much healed......BUT???  The big but of uncertainty about how I'd manage a stressful event.  Part of me fears I'd come unglued.  Honestly, but for my anxiety and worse-case thinking, I'd probably be writing a success story too.  Physically, I feel great.  Garton, I see a lot of me in your current status as well.  A LOT, friend.

 

Welcome Jackie and Sussie! 

 

Floc, way to go.  Don't worry so much.  The fear is a killer. 

[[Gr...]]

Please I think I have missed out of something here, bear in mind that I have a benzo brain.

 

@Life, now we are trying to be in control of our thoughts ? How do you mean ? I thought that the mantra was acceptance.

 

Isn't RiverWolf always saying that the minute you quit trying to oppose intrusives you are one step towards healing ?

 

That is what I have been struggling to do, and it is not easy for me personality wise.

 

But maybe I have missed  out on something.

 

Anyway about intrusives, I have to say that mine look at the future but dwell on the past. Things going back to kindergarten, I am not kidding.

 

I write it all down in a small pad and then trash them the next day. Riverwolf says that he found closure on many events in his life in wd.

 

So I have been looking at it this way. I DON'T HAVE A DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT THIS WILL ALL GO AWAY AND IT IS NOT PART OF ME.  THis is not real anxiety, it is not a preexistent condition. But it does not make things any easier or less painful does it ?

 

Today was suddenly a very rough day so I have a harder time understanding what is being debated here. I am feeling rather awful as I write now.

 

Has anybody tried reading their progress logs ? I read the beginning of mine yesterday,  it was a real eye opener !

 

I could barely put my words together ! It really gives a sense of the improvements we have gone through.

 

I have more or less quit updating it, except to note  the month. It feels like nothing is changing, but so much is !

 

I must go back to writing it, it helps so much. I suggest, if you are feeling bad, have a look at your log and you will see what I mean.

 

Healing thoughts to everybody.

 

Sorry  for the lengthy post, but I guess I am forgiven as I post so little !

 

Sky, I might have to disagree with River Wolf, depending on the intrusives.  I have gone through DECADES of good quality talk therapy and resolved a lot of the old crap years ago.  I don't think it's productive at all to think about stressful upsetting things.  I spend a lot of time trying to "clear my head" of all the noise and chatter and crazy intrusive memories, and all things negative. I don't know.  I guess I'm finding the mental s/x very exhausting.

[[je...]]

Mommy-- I absolutely love that story!! We have one more thing in common-- I have an ex husband too, he was never there for me either. I prayed for you today, hope you are feeli g better

[[Gr...]]

Hi 6-12 buddies...

....I was off today ...having an absolutely sweet day with my daughter.

..For those of you in or still in a wave.  encouraging news. I woke up this morning with very minimal s/x ( slight dread and anxiety,). It disappeared shortly after I got up. ...It morphed into the best window . Not the kind of window that causes a moderate ' high on life ' high..but the best window I have had yet. I felt completely and totally myself. Not myself in. window...or myself in p/w. or myself having. a huge day of s/x freedom and rushing relief. This was better than all of that. I was exactly how I was before benzos. My daughter and I went to the park because it was a flukey early fall day. It was like I had never been missing from my life. I felt connected to all the times my daughter and I have been in this park in early fall. Usually in. window I can relate to that day but font feel as connected to my past. Does that make any sense? I don't think I explained it very well.

.  I had su h peace of mind and body today. Almost like I completely forgot all about this w/d process...there just was not any sesnse of it. I simply ( profoundly) had my old self and life back. Back in myself...back in my body.  back in my connection to my before life. Today I tsuely felt 100% healed. Of course I know that I am not. and I have more waves to live through, but now I know what healing feels like and I will never give up. Unbelievable that 3 days ago I was so desperate and defeated and scared that I was thinking about reinstating. 3 days.

.    Dont give up.. things will get betted. You will heal.  You are not going to be like this forever. You will get your life back..

......I am going to bed but I will write to some of the posts of today in the morning.

      ....Thinking of every one of you...wishing peaceful sleep to all....coop

 

You explained that very, very well.  I know exactly what you're talking about.  I had that, that one day I went to the beach.  It's a wonderful thing.  That's how we're going to feel all the time when we get well.

[[Gr...]]

Hi 6-12 buddies...

....I was off today ...having an absolutely sweet day with my daughter.

..For those of you in or still in a wave.  encouraging news. I woke up this morning with very minimal s/x ( slight dread and anxiety,). It disappeared shortly after I got up. ...It morphed into the best window . Not the kind of window that causes a moderate ' high on life ' high..but the best window I have had yet. I felt completely and totally myself. Not myself in. window...or myself in p/w. or myself having. a huge day of s/x freedom and rushing relief. This was better than all of that. I was exactly how I was before benzos. My daughter and I went to the park because it was a flukey early fall day. It was like I had never been missing from my life. I felt connected to all the times my daughter and I have been in this park in early fall. Usually in. window I can relate to that day but font feel as connected to my past. Does that make any sense? I don't think I explained it very well.

.  I had su h peace of mind and body today. Almost like I completely forgot all about this w/d process...there just was not any sesnse of it. I simply ( profoundly) had my old self and life back. Back in myself...back in my body.  back in my connection to my before life. Today I tsuely felt 100% healed. Of course I know that I am not. and I have more waves to live through, but now I know what healing feels like and I will never give up. Unbelievable that 3 days ago I was so desperate and defeated and scared that I was thinking about reinstating. 3 days.

.    Dont give up.. things will get betted. You will heal.  You are not going to be like this forever. You will get your life back..

......I am going to bed but I will write to some of the posts of today in the morning.

      ....Thinking of every one of you...wishing peaceful sleep to all....coop

 

Coop, this is absolutely wonderful!  :thumbsup: :thumbsup:May I try to explain in a few words what you are experiencing -- you said you could not explain it well enough....You are having an effortless day. There is no thinkling about what you feel. It just "is". Those are the best windows. And this is how the vast majority of people live.

 

This group is so helpful... we inspire and encourage each other. I am right now feeling pretty good but was "wavy" earlier this morning. I am just putting my life situations that are causing me stress in their proper place -- trying not to exaggerate their impact with "what if" thinking. I started to work through it rather than to think I was helpless to the benzo beast ... This thinking helped me a bunch.

Guys and girls I know that waves will be waves ... but in my instance I believe I had enough healing where I have to let go of the victim mentality of "waves will happen no matter what I do" and replace it with "Waves will happen but I am empowered to change the way I think". The second phrase works for me.

 

I can not ore happy for your Coop. It funny yesterday theer was not that many peopel on the thread and I felt lonely and abandoned ....

Not totally true! 

 

Life

 

Life,

YES!! I think this is so important to do!  I'm working on this too, with my house situation.  We can't let "what ifs" rob today of its joy and peace.  I strongly believe that there is a difference of being proactive about real possibilities and being obsessive with worst-cast scenarios.  I have a tendency to do the latter.  It's a life skill that I have been working on through the later part of this healing process. 

 

Matthew 6:34 - Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. 

 

Oh, Healing Hope, you're such an amazing person, and I'm always going to remember you, even after benzo withdrawal is a very distant memory.

[[Mo...]]

Mommy-- I absolutely love that story!! We have one more thing in common-- I have an ex husband too, he was never there for me either. I prayed for you today, hope you are feeli g better

 

You made me giggle.  Yay for new awesome hubbies!  The prayers are working.  Just realized my chest isn't tight.  Also, my emotions have been causing me to hot flash.. Any emotion big or small.  When I read this I smiled and felt my face try to flush but it didn't.  Maybe it really is the coffee!!  I'm giving it a few days to see. 

[[Co...]]

Peace, you are incredible...and an extraordinary teacher. Your wonderful beautiful self is going to shine through all the d/r and uncertainty ...your loving heart will speak your truth.  As you know children read our hearts before they ever listen to our words. The fact that you want to gain the trust of parents will endear you to them and the trust will develop.

......It is beyond me hoe you and HealingHope show up at work every day in the midst of w/d. I am still having difficulty getting to PT appointments andam thankful every day that even though I miss my work with true grief, due to retirement I don't have to show up anywhere on terrible days. I have huge huge respect for you Peace.

.  Do not feel that you have to ' keep up ' on posts...we all know the tremendous effort you are exacting to keep teaching. ..post when you need support ..we are all your cheering squad...love to you Peace.. sleep well friend..  coop

[[Gr...]]

Life, I plan in heartbreaking detail in advance in order to get something insignificant done.

 

Endless notes for things like  " Wash your hair " !

 

Endless planning that very often leads to nothing  done. and when I get things done, it is in slow motion. Washing my hair can take me all afternoon.

 

Thing is, that I have been at this so long, now that a part of me doesn't understand that when I will get well, it will all go away. I will be able to function without planning. The diabolical part of my brain, the one that does not really believe I will heal, thinks that this is forever and these problems will always be with me. The other part of me, knows better, but it is the benxzo voice that is managing to get all of my attention.

Ditto!

[[Gr...]]

Jenny - Thank you for the vote of confidence. I hope things settle out in a few weeks. Today a teacher came to speak with me about the children from his class who are moving into mine. He said that I always look like a deer in headlights.  That was not such a vote of confidence. Teachers tend to be more keyed in, more intuitive than average people. It's one of the things I like about teaching.

I know that whatever happens, I'll be ok. It's not entirely up to me, none of it. The withdrawal, others' perceptions - it's going to unfold in some unknown way and I'll just keep doing my best. But I appreciate you being here. I really do.

 

Peace2

 

Peace, I've got the DP/DR thing going on, too.  A friend also said recently "you seem fine," when I was so messed up inside and thought everyone could see in.  They can't.  Also, I think we pick up emotional cues more so than normal in this state, so that might be a real advantage when you start teaching your class.

[[Gr...]]

Hi, Everyone

 

I just read  A LOT of pages, I wanted to catch up.  Yes, I'm in a wave.  You all explained yours so eloquently.  I don't think I can right now.  The DP/DR is getting kind of heavy.  When it's bad I get the head and sinus pressure with it, cog fog, tunnel vision, crazy intrusive thoughts, it feels like there's a committee of 20 people talking in my head, all at the same time -- anxiety ramps up.  I'm trying so hard to manage, not fight it, just not panic and lose control.  It's exhausting.  Very tired, not a lot of motivation.  Some pain, my hip, down my leg.  And my tailbone hurts and -- don't laugh -- my butt is burning and numb at the same time.  But I'm pushing myself this time to ride my bike a little, stay connected to people -- the last wave I got very withdrawn, which is really not me at all, and I stopped communicating with everyone, and the depression got me bad.  So even though I want to crawl into a dark hole and be alone, I'm fighting it, I'm posting, trying to make phone calls, talk to people.

 

Hope everyone is having a better day tomorrow.

[[No...]]

GreenIce ... thank you for telling us "where you are" and for your efforts to "stay connected" ... eloquence doesn't enter into it ... this a nuts and bolts experience ... real "lunch pail" stuff ... and it is very hard ... day in and day out ... exhausting ...

 

I believe there is no "fighting" this stuff ... this is a time of "endurance" and "survival" ... you are going to get to the other side ... you know your "stuff" ... and you are doing a remarkable job of keeping things together during this time ...

 

And yes I posted a "success story" ... I did it very selfishly, for myself ... I am drug free, I survived acute, and I am getting better, much better ... I posted that story to "mark" where I am in this process ... to help me change my experience of this process from one of day to day struggle to one of "intentionally" getting on with my life ... one of "re-entry" ... to help me find new ways I can "push" myself ... during the next stage of my recovery ...

 

I hear in your words the same hope I have, the same day to day-ness of this process you feel, the same longing to be "connected" ... the same dream to "be" in my life without the drug and its consequences ...

 

All we need is a little more time ...