6-12 month thread....

[[be...]]

I'm sorry Sussie, I called you Jenny Sometimes I'm lucky to remember my own name.

[[Sk...]]

@ Beulah, hear, hear ! 

[Guest [su...]]

tha's  ok i've been called a lot of names before lol!!

I'm sorry Sussie, I called you Jenny Sometimes I'm lucky to remember my own name.

[[Co...]]

Good morning 6-12 buddies...

......To everyone waking up wavy....I hope it lifts as the day goes on. I noticed around month 8 that I developed a pattern of tough mornings and better afternoons ..some buddies report the opposite...good mornings.  worse afternoons. Go gentle with yourselves. This is going to heal for all of us. I game trying to catch a second wind for the next 2-4 months. During my very good fabulous 100% day last Thursday it dawned on me that I have not felt that good and connected to myself and clear in 4 years as I had side effects from the ativan ( lightheadedness, nausea, body jerks, increased anxiety, d/r and sleep disturbances) within days of taking my first dose..unbelievable...makes me so mad.

...My window is still with me this morning and am really hoping it stays for awhile. I have never had a window that remained longer than 24 hours. ...4 more months ( I hope) ...I just have to say.  I am so very very glad that I did not reinstate last week when I was so desperate and miserable..  I am now so sure that we all do indeed heal. 

    PEACE....I am thinking of you at school today...be easy on yourself.  Rest in your expertise and competence...they will carry you through. You are an excellent teacher and do not have to prove yourself.......wishing you a good day Peace... love to you....coop

 

[[be...]]

Hey Coop, something you wrote just hit home. I remember how I felt taking the first few ativan, I felt so anxious and more depressed. I thought it was the mourning process of my losses. I now know for a fact that it was the benzodiazepines. How could I be so stupid!!! I guess I just wanted the hurt gone that I didn't even realize I was causing more hurt. I don't know....I can't do any deep thinking till this wave is gone.

[[Mo...]]

Good morning 6-12 buddies...

......To everyone waking up wavy....I hope it lifts as the day goes on. I noticed around month 8 that I developed a pattern of tough mornings and better afternoons ..some buddies report the opposite...good mornings.  worse afternoons. Go gentle with yourselves. This is going to heal for all of us. I game trying to catch a second wind for the next 2-4 months. During my very good fabulous 100% day last Thursday it dawned on me that I have not felt that good and connected to myself and clear in 4 years as I had side effects from the ativan ( lightheadedness, nausea, body jerks, increased anxiety, d/r and sleep disturbances) within days of taking my first dose..unbelievable...makes me so mad.

...My window is still with me this morning and am really hoping it stays for awhile. I have never had a window that remained longer than 24 hours. ...4 more months ( I hope) ...I just have to say.  I am so very very glad that I did not reinstate last week when I was so desperate and miserable..  I am now so sure that we all do indeed heal. 

    PEACE....I am thinking of you at school today...be easy on yourself.  Rest in your expertise and competence...they will carry you through. You are an excellent teacher and do not have to prove yourself.......wishing you a good day Peace... love to you....coop

 

it is darkest just before the dawn!!  Woot Coop.. So happy for you.  It's isn't wonderful to persevere and find the reward at the end. 

 

Peace, I am thinking of you too. 

 

Love to you both and all the BB's

[[Mo...]]

Hi all,

Do any of you get tired of paying so much attention to yourself.

I'm so sick of this me me me everyday.

I just want my life back so badly.

Much healing to all.

 

Beulah - This post has been on my mind the entirety of this wave that started 2 days ago. memeemememememememe... it is so exhausting.  Then I try to give back and somehow it is still about me!

 

This morning I had to call my mom and lay everything out on a plate.  Every self loathing and self hating thought.. I had to back track to where I felt it was coming from.  The most influential sentence spoken to me during this process is that I needed to divide the spiritual from the organic.  In true design of the 'wave' I could not decipher it on my own.

 

For me there are two places these negative voices come from.  One is Satan, the other is my mind.  The scripture..perfect love casts out all fear.. came to me after I woke up into terrible fear and panic.  The problem was I could not feel God's love.  Many of us state this sensation during a wave of a huge chasm between God and us.  Always, in these situations I need flesh and blood love.  I asked my mom to tell me she loved me.  I asked her to reaffirm that I was worth this process.  Then I laid out where I felt my failure and down fall was.  I sent an email of apology to my prayer partners apologizing for the self centeredness this causes and if I wasn't appearing to be self centered then to please see this as a lie from the BB demon.  I also apologize to my buddies if I am continually self serving. 

 

Mom and I came up with a plan to refocus me on my household and family stuff.  Then we prayed and I was very close to normal.  Today's voice has been cast down.. there is still organic, but I will take organic any day or spiritual distress.

 

I then made my husband his coffee because he wasn't up yet and I thought I would do him the favor since he makes mine every morning (I have found some great coffee replacements to try.  Will post on that later).  When he woke we talked about everything BUT BB.  Things we can't wait to do in the future both as a couple and as a family. 

 

I have low lying panic right now, but not the horribleness I woke up too.  I don't know if that helps anybody but this is such a dance and my first experience with self loathing.  If you don't have anyone to tell you you are worth this process and that they love you..  Let me be a voice of flesh and blood for you today.  YOU ARE WORTH THIS PROCESS AND ARE LOVED BY ME AND THIS GROUP AND OF COURSE BY A LOVING SAVIOR.  When you cannot feel him reach out here or to a loving family member or friend.  Know that every comment and sentence is read by me and noted, but not always commented on because of time constraints or letting someone better able to help speak.

 

Hugs and prays for you today,

MommyR

[[Co...]]

Beulah...me too...when I had side effects from the ativan my doctor just told me it was part of the Meinners Disease and I believed her. She put me on the ativan due to my first meinners episode. Now I know that the side effects were just like the w/d s/x.. we don't know what we don't know. ...You are doing great Beulah...we are both going to get there.. together...coop

[[Co...]]

Well, we are truely so fragile going through this trauma. ..A friend came over this morning and talked talked talked about the end stage brain cancer her mother is suffering. ...I had immediate anxiety, dizziness ( surely my own brain cancer) d/r and health fear. I am now trying to hang onto my window by warding off the fear spiral that usually ends up in a wave. ..relaxation breathing, CBT, rational ( well, an attempt at rational), self talk, distraction and focusing on my very good fabulous 100% day o. Thursday. ( I am sure brain cancer s/x do not just come and go). ...On my way to the epsome salts soak.. I also have my well check this afternoon with my new doctor who I love and is very supportive of my w/d.. but I am a little revved about it. ..lots of healing still to go.. 

.....Stay strong everyone...and lean on us, your friends when you need to borrow some strength.  Coop

[[Mo...]]

Well, we are truely so fragile going through this trauma. ..A friend came over this morning and talked talked talked about the end stage brain cancer her mother is suffering. ...I had immediate anxiety, dizziness ( surely my own brain cancer) d/r and health fear. I am now trying to hang onto my window by warding off the fear spiral that usually ends up in a wave. ..relaxation breathing, CBT, rational ( well, an attempt at rational), self talk, distraction and focusing on my very good fabulous 100% day o. Thursday. ( I am sure brain cancer s/x do not just come and go). ...On my way to the epsome salts soak.. I also have my well check this afternoon with my new doctor who I love and is very supportive of my w/d.. but I am a little revved about it. ..lots of healing still to go.. 

.....Stay strong everyone...and lean on us, your friends when you need to borrow some strength.  Coop

 

Coop - My son's pediatrician always soothes me by saying 'bad things stay'.. in other words, if you have any let up in symptoms.. it's not serious.. we have breaks.. it's not serious.. it's just healing. 

[[Co...]]

Mommy...yes...I am sick sick sick of talking thinking and fearing about myself. But this is not our true selves. The w/d keeps us locked in our heads in a world of hyper self vigilence. When I was in my big wonderful window my thoughts flew to other things like butterflies released from captivity. They did so on their own...nothing I did or didn't do. However you were will be what you return to as you heal.

....You .. and all of us are not self absorbed selfish individuals.  our brains have been highjacked by this horrible drug.. You will get yourself back Mommy. 

.....Interested to hear about the coffee substitutes. I am still doing pretty good with the decaf...I just refuse to give it up...I have given up everything else.  including 4 years of ' normal '  I really can't tell any difference in my s/x related to wheather I have my decaf or not. Seems that my s/x have. life of their own regardless of what I do or don't do. ..Wish I could find decaf Sumatran..

......Thank you Mommy for the inspiring post...indeed, you are so worth the process...love to you ...coop

 

[[fl...]]

Mommy, you are so fortunate to have such a supportive relationship with your mother.  I never even told mine what I've gone through, as I cannot turn to her in times of crisis due to her own severe anxiety.  I'm on my own in that respect.  I want my children to be able to come to me like that someday.  I'd be curious about how you were raised, and what seeds were planted in your childhood that have allowed you to have such a close relationship into adulthood.  I like to learn from others, as I don't have a good model to follow in my own life. 

 

Coop, hang in there.  You are so strong.  There are some real warriors here....even if we don't always realize it. 

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... yeah the hyper-vigilance is its own kind of demon ... and it is an awfully hard one to shake off ... for me it is/was a nasty "loop" ... the physical/mental stuff shows up, okay I need to identify it ... yep that one is familiar ... everything is safe right now ... oops ... that little twist is new ... hmmm ... that twitch is staying longer than it should ... oh no not that again ... and on and on and on ... and hidden in the "loop" is stress ...

 

I believe we learn hyper-vigilance ... and in and of itself it is not a "wrong" thing ... it does have its uses ... and it is probably not helpful in recovery ... and yet we practice it over and over and over during recovery ...

 

How to stop the "loop" ? ... or at least give it a rest ... so the stress can release ... one path may be our old friends ... "slow down" and distraction ... getting out of the "feeling" place into the "sensory" place" ...

 

I believe hyper-vigilance is an aspect of the panic process ... so ... like the fishermen on the lake ... catch and release ... or ... to put it in "mindfulness" terms ... observe ... and let it go ... observe and let it go ... and once again in the beginning this is difficult and confusing ... and with practice it becomes almost a habit ...

 

I believe the "loop" develops when we start telling a "story" about the symptom ... we get "hooked" and before we know it we have a "novel" on our hands ... and it is very stressful to carry a heavy book around ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ...

 

[[li...]]

Good day everyone,

 

I have to say that I have been really caught off guard with this 3 week wave after I had not one wave last more than 5 days in the past four months. Makes you feel hopeless. I don't know what to think? I am so glad for all the responses to what a wave is to you. I now know how similar we all are -- give or take a few symptoms here and there. So where do we go from here? I am sooooo tired of this wave... Please God make it go away! Please!

 

The one symptom that I have that really bothers me is the inability to do little things in a wave -- like the smallest thing is overwhelming. I do them but they are so hard to do. Do others have this issue?

 

Life

[[Sk...]]

Life, I plan in heartbreaking detail in advance in order to get something insignificant done.

 

Endless notes for things like  " Wash your hair " !

 

Endless planning that very often leads to nothing  done. and when I get things done, it is in slow motion. Washing my hair can take me all afternoon.

 

Thing is, that I have been at this so long, now that a part of me doesn't understand that when I will get well, it will all go away. I will be able to function without planning. The diabolical part of my brain, the one that does not really believe I will heal, thinks that this is forever and these problems will always be with me. The other part of me, knows better, but it is the benxzo voice that is managing to get all of my attention.

 

@Coop, thanks for explaining how your thinking went on the day of your wave. It sounds great even just for being able to think about something different from  the whole me, myself and I. thing.

[[mr...]]

Good day everyone,

 

I have to say that I have been really caught off guard with this 3 week wave after I had not one wave last more than 5 days in the past four months. Makes you feel hopeless. I don't know what to think? I am so glad for all the responses to what a wave is to you. I now know how similar we all are -- give or take a few symptoms here and there. So where do we go from here? I am sooooo tired of this wave... Please God make it go away! Please!

 

The one symptom that I have that really bothers me is the inability to do little things in a wave -- like the smallest thing is overwhelming. I do them but they are so hard to do. Do others have this issue?

 

Life

 

You're not alone, Life. Hang in there; its going to be alright

 

This wave will end soon! For all of us!

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[Mo...]]

Mommy, you are so fortunate to have such a supportive relationship with your mother.  I never even told mine what I've gone through, as I cannot turn to her in times of crisis due to her own severe anxiety.  I'm on my own in that respect.  I want my children to be able to come to me like that someday.  I'd be curious about how you were raised, and what seeds were planted in your childhood that have allowed you to have such a close relationship into adulthood.  I like to learn from others, as I don't have a good model to follow in my own life. 

 

Coop, hang in there.  You are so strong.  There are some real warriors here....even if we don't always realize it.

 

Floc - Wow, another thing to I haven't realized I've taken advantage of.  Yes, I am very fortunate.  I want to give you a really good detailed answer, so let me stew on it. 

[[Mo...]]

Good day everyone,

 

I have to say that I have been really caught off guard with this 3 week wave after I had not one wave last more than 5 days in the past four months. Makes you feel hopeless. I don't know what to think? I am so glad for all the responses to what a wave is to you. I now know how similar we all are -- give or take a few symptoms here and there. So where do we go from here? I am sooooo tired of this wave... Please God make it go away! Please!

 

The one symptom that I have that really bothers me is the inability to do little things in a wave -- like the smallest thing is overwhelming. I do them but they are so hard to do. Do others have this issue?

 

Life

 

It's just like Sky said awhile back.. the littlest task becomes 'rocket science'.  It was exactly like that for me in my zombie phase after returning from vacation.  I would wander around the house noticing things to do but not able to complete them.  My husband described it for me.. In a wave I can only do the basics.  Get up, dress, eat.. watch tv, go to bed.  Maybe some dishes, definitely a load of laundry.  It is the muddy part of it for me.  Everything is painstakingly difficult.  The good news?

 

In June, after my last really heavy wave, I had to robot my way thru getting us packed for a visit up North.  The kids wanted to play in the pool.  I thought I would get in the pool too, even if it killed me (yes, I was sure a heart attack was eminent).  I stayed in no matter what.  When I got out 4 hours I experienced my first 100% hours. 

 

After we got back from vaca and I had the zombie thing, I was roboting my way around too.  I got some of my 100% hours back last week. 

 

I know this wave will end.  It's grueling, I know, but clarity will return.  I'm sorry!!! 

[[li...]]

Good day everyone,

 

I have to say that I have been really caught off guard with this 3 week wave after I had not one wave last more than 5 days in the past four months. Makes you feel hopeless. I don't know what to think? I am so glad for all the responses to what a wave is to you. I now know how similar we all are -- give or take a few symptoms here and there. So where do we go from here? I am sooooo tired of this wave... Please God make it go away! Please!

 

The one symptom that I have that really bothers me is the inability to do little things in a wave -- like the smallest thing is overwhelming. I do them but they are so hard to do. Do others have this issue?

 

Life

 

It's just like Sky said awhile back.. the littlest task becomes 'rocket science'.  It was exactly like that for me in my zombie phase after returning from vacation.  I would wander around the house noticing things to do but not able to complete them.  My husband described it for me.. In a wave I can only do the basics.  Get up, dress, eat.. watch tv, go to bed.  Maybe some dishes, definitely a load of laundry.  It is the muddy part of it for me.  Everything is painstakingly difficult.  The good news?

 

In June, after my last really heavy wave, I had to robot my way thru getting us packed for a visit up North.  The kids wanted to play in the pool.  I thought I would get in the pool too, even if it killed me (yes, I was sure a heart attack was eminent).  I stayed in no matter what.  When I got out 4 hours I experienced my first 100% hours. 

 

After we got back from vaca and I had the zombie thing, I was roboting my way around too.  I got some of my 100% hours back last week. 

 

I know this wave will end.  It's grueling, I know, but clarity will return.  I'm sorry!!!

 

How long after you got back did your Zombie thing take to lift? How long was the wave?

 

[[Mo...]]

Mommy...yes...I am sick sick sick of talking thinking and fearing about myself. But this is not our true selves. The w/d keeps us locked in our heads in a world of hyper self vigilence. When I was in my big wonderful window my thoughts flew to other things like butterflies released from captivity. They did so on their own...nothing I did or didn't do. However you were will be what you return to as you heal.

....You .. and all of us are not self absorbed selfish individuals.  our brains have been highjacked by this horrible drug.. You will get yourself back Mommy. 

.....Interested to hear about the coffee substitutes. I am still doing pretty good with the decaf...I just refuse to give it up...I have given up everything else.  including 4 years of ' normal '  I really can't tell any difference in my s/x related to wheather I have my decaf or not. Seems that my s/x have. life of their own regardless of what I do or don't do. ..Wish I could find decaf Sumatran..

......Thank you Mommy for the inspiring post...indeed, you are so worth the process...love to you ...coop

 

I love that visual Coop.  Thanks for that.  It's exhausting right???  I believe we will heal, but like Life was saying.. these take us off guard!  Taper was much easier.  I knew what to expect!

 

On the coffee front, decaf upsets my stomach.  Not sure why.  I am only doing this because of these hot flashes.  My mind keeps giving me pictures of burned out adrenal glands, so I will entertain it.  Lord knows the cortisol is having a field day.  I purchased two products to try.  One is called Teeccino, the other is Dandy Brand.  I am a mocha frappe kinda girl, so I can't help those who drink the stuff straight.  With that said, I ran out to my local Whole Foods and bought the Teeccino.  Then to a Mother's Market for the Dandy Brand.  As soon as we got home, I heated up two cups of water and added the powder/bag.  I love both of these brands!  The Dandy is closer to the real flavor of coffee.  It reminds me of the instant coffee from the 70's, but not bitter.  The Teeccino I purchased is flavored.  They recommended Hazelnut as it the most sold.  You can brew it like a reg cup off coffee or buy it in the form of tea bags.  After I made it strong enough for my taste, I added a bit of whole milk and a tiny bit of sugar.  This is a tiny bit sweet on its own.  Also, these products are alkaline instead of acidic and high in antioxidants. 

 

I am very happy with the results and feel it's good enough as a replacement.  If you are wondering, I am also not going the hot cocoa route.  When I make my coffee, I put in a packet of hot cocoa to make my 'home' mocha.  I am attempting to get rid of all caffeine for the moment.  Hopefully my hot flashes will stop.  I will keep you posted.

[[Mo...]]

Good day everyone,

 

I have to say that I have been really caught off guard with this 3 week wave after I had not one wave last more than 5 days in the past four months. Makes you feel hopeless. I don't know what to think? I am so glad for all the responses to what a wave is to you. I now know how similar we all are -- give or take a few symptoms here and there. So where do we go from here? I am sooooo tired of this wave... Please God make it go away! Please!

 

The one symptom that I have that really bothers me is the inability to do little things in a wave -- like the smallest thing is overwhelming. I do them but they are so hard to do. Do others have this issue?

 

Life

 

It's just like Sky said awhile back.. the littlest task becomes 'rocket science'.  It was exactly like that for me in my zombie phase after returning from vacation.  I would wander around the house noticing things to do but not able to complete them.  My husband described it for me.. In a wave I can only do the basics.  Get up, dress, eat.. watch tv, go to bed.  Maybe some dishes, definitely a load of laundry.  It is the muddy part of it for me.  Everything is painstakingly difficult.  The good news?

 

In June, after my last really heavy wave, I had to robot my way thru getting us packed for a visit up North.  The kids wanted to play in the pool.  I thought I would get in the pool too, even if it killed me (yes, I was sure a heart attack was eminent).  I stayed in no matter what.  When I got out 4 hours I experienced my first 100% hours. 

 

After we got back from vaca and I had the zombie thing, I was roboting my way around too.  I got some of my 100% hours back last week. 

 

I know this wave will end.  It's grueling, I know, but clarity will return.  I'm sorry!!!

 

How long after you got back did your Zombie thing take to lift? How long was the wave?

 

The wave started in Vermont and continued for a loooong time.  4 weeks at least.  The Zombie thing was a solid week after we returned.  It is why I told the peeps at work about my situation.  I could not recall anything about doing the website or passwords, anything.  I did have moments of clarity, but other things suffered.  I was practicing going to work, but it was like walking thru mud getting up and out of the house.  My kids were an hour late everyday for VBS.  I kept them home for part of it because I didn't want to be alone.  Now I"m on to other types of bb s/x.  I always have low lying s/x, so I watch for those 100% hours. 

 

It sounds like yours is winding down.  Trading off s/x. 

[[Mo...]]

Hi Folks ... yeah the hyper-vigilance is its own kind of demon ... and it is an awfully hard one to shake off ... for me it is/was a nasty "loop" ... the physical/mental stuff shows up, okay I need to identify it ... yep that one is familiar ... everything is safe right now ... oops ... that little twist is new ... hmmm ... that twitch is staying longer than it should ... oh no not that again ... and on and on and on ... and hidden in the "loop" is stress ...

 

I believe we learn hyper-vigilance ... and in and of itself it is not a "wrong" thing ... it does have its uses ... and it is probably not helpful in recovery ... and yet we practice it over and over and over during recovery ...

 

How to stop the "loop" ? ... or at least give it a rest ... so the stress can release ... one path may be our old friends ... "slow down" and distraction ... getting out of the "feeling" place into the "sensory" place" ...

 

I believe hyper-vigilance is an aspect of the panic process ... so ... like the fishermen on the lake ... catch and release ... or ... to put it in "mindfulness" terms ... observe ... and let it go ... observe and let it go ... and once again in the beginning this is difficult and confusing ... and with practice it becomes almost a habit ...

 

I believe the "loop" develops when we start telling a "story" about the symptom ... we get "hooked" and before we know it we have a "novel" on our hands ... and it is very stressful to carry a heavy book around ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ...

 

 

Absolutely agree.  My book gets written without my consent and I have to tear the pages out one at a time.  I don't know if I can really ever put my sword down with this.  The moment I do, a dragon pops up.  Thank you for your wisdom. 

[[je...]]

Hi life-- yes, everything becomes hard in a wave and my motivation is non existent. I was just thinking last night that my 3 week wave was the longest and worst one I've ever had-- hard to believe I got it at 10 months out!! I feel some revving in my head today and getting scared of going back into one again, that last one scared me to death. Sorry for all of you that are wavy today, thinking and praying for all of you. Jenny

[[li...]]

Mommy...yes...I am sick sick sick of talking thinking and fearing about myself. But this is not our true selves. The w/d keeps us locked in our heads in a world of hyper self vigilence. When I was in my big wonderful window my thoughts flew to other things like butterflies released from captivity. They did so on their own...nothing I did or didn't do. However you were will be what you return to as you heal.

....You .. and all of us are not self absorbed selfish individuals.  our brains have been highjacked by this horrible drug.. You will get yourself back Mommy. 

.....Interested to hear about the coffee substitutes. I am still doing pretty good with the decaf...I just refuse to give it up...I have given up everything else.  including 4 years of ' normal '  I really can't tell any difference in my s/x related to wheather I have my decaf or not. Seems that my s/x have. life of their own regardless of what I do or don't do. ..Wish I could find decaf Sumatran..

......Thank you Mommy for the inspiring post...indeed, you are so worth the process...love to you ...coop

 

I love that visual Coop.  Thanks for that.  It's exhausting right???  I believe we will heal, but like Life was saying.. these take us off guard!  Taper was much easier.  I knew what to expect!

 

On the coffee front, decaf upsets my stomach.  Not sure why.  I am only doing this because of these hot flashes.  My mind keeps giving me pictures of burned out adrenal glands, so I will entertain it.  Lord knows the cortisol is having a field day.  I purchased two products to try.  One is called Teeccino, the other is Dandy Brand.  I am a mocha frappe kinda girl, so I can't help those who drink the stuff straight.  With that said, I ran out to my local Whole Foods and bought the Teeccino.  Then to a Mother's Market for the Dandy Brand.  As soon as we got home, I heated up two cups of water and added the powder/bag.  I love both of these brands!  The Dandy is closer to the real flavor of coffee.  It reminds me of the instant coffee from the 70's, but not bitter.  The Teeccino I purchased is flavored.  They recommended Hazelnut as it the most sold.  You can brew it like a reg cup off coffee or buy it in the form of tea bags.  After I made it strong enough for my taste, I added a bit of whole milk and a tiny bit of sugar.  This is a tiny bit sweet on its own.  Also, these products are alkaline instead of acidic and high in antioxidants. 

 

I am very happy with the results and feel it's good enough as a replacement.  If you are wondering, I am also not going the hot cocoa route.  When I make my coffee, I put in a packet of hot cocoa to make my 'home' mocha.  I am attempting to get rid of all caffeine for the moment.  Hopefully my hot flashes will stop.  I will keep you posted.

 

You know, I was just thinking about my "tapering time". Back then I expected the windows and waves with the hope that things will get better when I am off this benzo garbage. So, it was to be expected and we all joined up for that. But you just said that you had a 4 week wave late in your recovery? That is what perplexes me and I think I am starting to understand the psychology of this whole withdrawal crap. Look, I do not think that any of us signed up for a massive 3 and 4 week waves in the 11 month and as Coop says "acute symptoms" this late in the game. I think my waves are getting worts because my perception of what "should" be is being challenged. I mean, in my book when I first started this journey, all of us pass 6 months "should" be healed by now.

 

So what do I do now that I am 11 months and still not healed? I either reconsider what I am doing or accept the facts as they are and not get any more bothered by these waves than I did when I had waves in acute or taper. I mean, I am where I am and if accept that and understand that then I will not be destroyed by these waves. After 8,9,10,11 months -- you simply get tired. So we are all here to do the marathon -- or we are not. I am going for the marathon but I sure hope that no one moves the tape on me. This is getting old.

 

I accept where I am and I believe I will heal. Truthfully it gets harder and harder to believe that I will heal the further out I go BUT I cant forget that average healing time around this place is 14 months. So until I get to that benchmark I will not make any harsh judgements -- as hard as it is. I would wager this is all w/d as these windows and waves are too extreme to be a condition. Love to all.

 

Life

 

Life

[[Co...]]

Mommy...I have used the Teaccinno too. I buy it in a package ground...just like ground coffee. I run it through my espresso machine and make froth in my Capresso frother and add a little honey on top.. really really good. The Capresso frother is automatic..you don't have to stand there and get that nozle on the espresso maker just so. The Capresso frother makes a 2 cup pitcher of froth out of about a half cup of milk. I love mine so much. The froth comes out thick and creamy ...just like Starbucks.  Happy 'coffee '...the Teccinno is the closest I have come to actually being ok with a substitute. It comes in. Mocha, Java, Hazlenut, and Vanilla something.

....Mommy I get the hot flashes too..along with electric ' bites ' ...less in the last few weeks.

.......thank you for being in our support group...what would we do without BBs...coop