6-12 month thread....

[[Mo...]]

Mommy..." while I know I almost done with this, it is still front and center in my life " That says it exactly.. me too...even on a good day it is the background noise of my mind. That one lovely 100% day I had on Thurs. was a happy happy preview of what healed will feel like. ..Yeesterday was filled with depression.. today is looking good again..and I am so so grateful for that,  but I am already having to ignore the anticipatory worry about what tomorrow is going to be. Doing my best to stay in the moment.

.  Mommy...we are all getting so close. Life and Nova are weeks away from marking one year..you are right behind them..I am hopeful for a good Christmas, but reframing ( again) my time frame to 14-16 months. I may be 90-95% healed before...but just in case. Truth be told I would be completely happy with 90-95%. ..

........Have a happy Sunday...coop

 

Yes, coming so far.  We have traveled so far.  The fact that I still obsess about this stuff has me question my own perception of things.  Hubby had a talk with me yesterday.  He said he thought when I was healed I would walk away from this and we wouldn't talk about it anymore.  He wants it put away like a bad memory.  I think he assumed as I got better and better, I would be less and less on the boards or doing whatever obsessive thing this process throws us into to survive.  He sees me trading one long string of activity for another (couch surfing, bed at 4:30, Korean Dramas, BB).  None of them being back into the family groove.  Lot's of mending needs to be done from this.  I am watching how HH and Jaso give back and what my place will be when this is done.  How will I give back?  Makes me sweat just thinking about it.  I need to find my place again.  Being a SAHM after being in Corporate for 9 years is a huge change. 

 

The bright spot in this is that 're-entry' is inevitable no matter what.  When it is time re-enter it comes to us.  It's knocking on my door constantly. 

 

 

[[Mo...]]

Hi gang

 

Thought we could use some good humor tonight, so I thought I'd dig this one out of the archives I can't take credit for all these; these were a collaborative effort of a bunch of my buddies on the Xanax support group as well as the "Let's Chat" thread

 

Anyways, enjoy!

 

Just stopping in to say, I think its time to resurrect this good 'ole post:

 

Just dialing it down and relaxing tonight

 

If we could get t-shirts made about the benzo experience...  :laugh:

 

"I survived Benzodiazepine Withdrawal 2013!"

"I went through benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

"It's a benzodiazepine thing, you just wouldn't understand."

"Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome Survivors: We put the ‘fun’ in dysfunction."

"Keep calm and withdrawal on."

"What happens in benzodiazepine withdrawal, stays with benzodiazepine withdrawal."?

"Benzodiazepine withdrawal: been there, done that.  Got the t-shirt."

"No pressure, no problems; Benzodiazepine-style."

"Benzodiazepine Withdrawal: Are we there yet?!"

"No, yours is the other White Pill."

"Tolerance is calling and I must taper."

"Chillin' without Pillin'." (Thanks Blue and Hopeful! )

 

Okay, okay...I'm out 

 

:laugh:

 

Mrs.

 

Mrs - Had to add one.." I put the 'cute' in acute!"

[[be...]]

Mommy- cute

 

Hi all, somebody please tell me it's normal to have bad waves this far out. I really thought after the one yr.mark the waves would get less severe. I have had some that were not so bad but the last few days are back in acute. I don't take any meds but the occasional Tylenol, and my synthroid,zantac when my stomach acts up. Is it just time for another healing wave or is it something I'm eating or whatever.

It's like the benzodiazepine beast won't let me go, slaps me with symptoms all the way back to acute.

Please, send me some comforting words of hope.

I know a few here are really suffering and I am holding you up in prayer.

Much healing.

[[li...]]

Mommy- cute

 

Hi all, somebody please tell me it's normal to have bad waves this far out. I really thought after the one yr.mark the waves would get less severe. I have had some that were not so bad but the last few days are back in acute. I don't take any meds but the occasional Tylenol, and my synthroid,zantac when my stomach acts up. Is it just time for another healing wave or is it something I'm eating or whatever.

It's like the benzodiazepine beast won't let me go, slaps me with symptoms all the way back to acute.

Please, send me some comforting words of hope.

I know a few here are really suffering and I am holding you up in prayer.

Much healing.

 

It is absolutely normal to have waves this far out. I am 11 months out and just got over the worst wave in 6 months. I am sick of it and started to get mad -- which did not help things. Accept and know that we can do things to feel better.... Deep breathing, acceptance, talk etc... It is awfull when we get bad waves this far out but your window can be due anytime.

 

Life

 

 

[[...]]

Mommy..." while I know I almost done with this, it is still front and center in my life " That says it exactly.. me too...even on a good day it is the background noise of my mind. That one lovely 100% day I had on Thurs. was a happy happy preview of what healed will feel like. ..Yeesterday was filled with depression.. today is looking good again..and I am so so grateful for that,  but I am already having to ignore the anticipatory worry about what tomorrow is going to be. Doing my best to stay in the moment.

.  Mommy...we are all getting so close. Life and Nova are weeks away from marking one year..you are right behind them..I am hopeful for a good Christmas, but reframing ( again) my time frame to 14-16 months. I may be 90-95% healed before...but just in case. Truth be told I would be completely happy with 90-95%. ..

........Have a happy Sunday...coop

 

Yes, coming so far.  We have traveled so far.  The fact that I still obsess about this stuff has me question my own perception of things.  Hubby had a talk with me yesterday.  He said he thought when I was healed I would walk away from this and we wouldn't talk about it anymore.  He wants it put away like a bad memory.  I think he assumed as I got better and better, I would be less and less on the boards or doing whatever obsessive thing this process throws us into to survive.  He sees me trading one long string of activity for another (couch surfing, bed at 4:30, Korean Dramas, BB).  None of them being back into the family groove.  Lot's of mending needs to be done from this.  I am watching how HH and Jaso give back and what my place will be when this is done.  How will I give back?  Makes me sweat just thinking about it.  I need to find my place again.  Being a SAHM after being in Corporate for 9 years is a huge change. 

 

The bright spot in this is that 're-entry' is inevitable no matter what.  When it is time re-enter it comes to us.  It's knocking on my door constantly.

 

Mommy,

 

This is exactly how I've felt! My husband has been great, but I think he really just wants it to "go away."

 

I'm feeling better now, and I think re-entry is happening! It's not something I "have to do!"

 

I hope you feel well soon!!

 

[[be...]]

Life, Thank you. I am sitting here now trying to deep breathe. I should practice what I preach, " when in a wave, accept it and know it will pass". It's so hard to think rationally when in a wave.

It just wares you out to keep having the bad ones so far out.

 

[[Co...]]

Hi Mommy....yes, unfortunately I too am now believing that bad waves come along in the later months of year one. I just washed up on shore from one of the worst since month 6 and I am closing in on month 10. I will say though that as much as that last wave was one of the worst...the 100% window was absolutely the best window of this entire. sail on the ocean of crazy. ...Today ( 2 days after that 100% window) my baseline is holding at better than it has been all along. For the past 4/5 months my baseline has been steady at 70-75%. ( not withstanding waves and mini-waves. ...So I am hoping that it is on our baseline that we see the consistent healing.

..... ...some good news for your hubby...and you....On that 100% day I had no...none...zip thought, memory, or body sensation of w/d...none....no nagging thoughts...no silent doubts. It was truely as though someone just dropped me back into my former life...exactly at the same place from which I was highjacked...exactly like being on ' pause ' and then starting the movie again

The only thing I can really compare it to is pregnancy and C-sections...you think it wont end...it consumes your life., the worst appears moments before it it ends. ...and then somehow you can not recall the long pregnancy discomfort and birth trauma..

.....During my 100% day I was thinking of nothing but how I would live my life....and those thoughts of ' where to go from here ' came naturally on their own ....

......Our lives are going to come back fully ...and lead us to where to go after healing....coop

[[Co...]]

Correction..." for the last 4/5 WEEKS...not months my baseline has been holding at 70-75%.....coop

[[li...]]

I was wondering if we can all go through a small exercise? Your cooperation is appreciated. What does a wave feel like to you? I will take a jab at it myself.

 

A wave to me is a general feeling of unease and fear of doing things, with a general anxiety that potentially can spike to a high anxiety, and if I go through many days of high anxiety I eventually will fall into a deep, dark hopeless depression that lasts about 2 to 3 days. All throughout my head is foggy, not present, and detached. The worst waves are the ones that end up in depression. The common denominator in my whole w/d timeline is that I am frozen in fear when in a wave.

 

Definition of my waves 

[[pe...]]

My waves are all different, but I always feel very threatened during a wave. "This is it" thinking. My current wave is constant revving, exhaustion, numbness in arms and feet, head pressure, tight throat, trouble formulating a thought, irritable, scared.

 

Peace2

[[Fr...]]

If you really want to know, my waves are physical and psychological.

 

I'll be feeling amazing in a great window, then it starts by me becoming a bit tired usually then my legs start tensing up inside, ankles start burning, lately my knees ache inside and the head pressure builds and I feel a bit of burning underneath my forehead skin.  Along with the head pressure are feelings this will never need and how will I cope ( I feel like death would be better).  It's extremely painful and scary.  To get through it, I read the bible or words of hope.  I copy verses in my journal and write affirmations over and over in pretty colors of ink to cheer myself up.  I cry a lot when it's intense.  Then it eases off or lasts on and off for days and I get despondent.  My husband get really worried, hugs me and tries to reassure me that we'll get through this.  He prays with me.  I petition God for help.

 

Today I am not in a window but the head pressure is lessened from yesterday.  My ankles and lower legs burn and ache a bit and my neck hurts.

[[Mo...]]

Mine vary.. there seems to be a slow ramp up of panic, fear or anxiety, but it's not attached to any subject.. just there as a sensation.  I get nausea immediately.  There can be a physical sensation of pressure on my brain and a thick goop that drips thru my thought process.  It slows my reaction in getting up and accomplishing things and skews  my ability to not despair.  I have no ability to see beyond the prison my brain is in.  Obsessive morbid thoughts instantly come.  I can have any number of physical symptoms... but the nausea is the most prevalent.  My heart beats faster. 

[[Mo...]]

Hi Mommy....yes, unfortunately I too am now believing that bad waves come along in the later months of year one. I just washed up on shore from one of the worst since month 6 and I am closing in on month 10. I will say though that as much as that last wave was one of the worst...the 100% window was absolutely the best window of this entire. sail on the ocean of crazy. ...Today ( 2 days after that 100% window) my baseline is holding at better than it has been all along. For the past 4/5 months my baseline has been steady at 70-75%. ( not withstanding waves and mini-waves. ...So I am hoping that it is on our baseline that we see the consistent healing.

..... ...some good news for your hubby...and you....On that 100% day I had no...none...zip thought, memory, or body sensation of w/d...none....no nagging thoughts...no silent doubts. It was truely as though someone just dropped me back into my former life...exactly at the same place from which I was highjacked...exactly like being on ' pause ' and then starting the movie again

The only thing I can really compare it to is pregnancy and C-sections...you think it wont end...it consumes your life., the worst appears moments before it it ends. ...and then somehow you can not recall the long pregnancy discomfort and birth trauma..

.....During my 100% day I was thinking of nothing but how I would live my life....and those thoughts of ' where to go from here ' came naturally on their own ....

......Our lives are going to come back fully ...and lead us to where to go after healing....coop

 

This comforts me.  I have been thrown into terrible insecurity today.  That my home is in a fragile state because of me.  That my identity has been hi-jacked by benzo and everyone in my household has moved on without me seemingly under my blind eyes.. and somehow I am supposed to walk away from it too.. QUILTY OF SURVIVAL.. my God.. who knew we could feel all this stuff. 

 

I AM GUILTY OF SURVIVING and getting ready walk away from it all... from you all.  This is sick stuff.  Some how I will be turning my back on everyone.. I'm only putting this on here because I can't tell if it's more of benzo brain or part of the healing process.  I am trying to stay away from BB but I find validation here.  This is absolutely nuts. 

 

 

[[Sk...]]

My waves start with my body humming louder than usual and getting worse.

 

THat is enough to send me in a panic. Usually my heart picks up from there and then everything goes downhill, head pressure, my cognitive functions get worse, obsessive thoughts out of proportion, my legs stiffen until  I can hardly walk. My sleep gets worse, if I do sleep my nightmares make me scream out during the night.

 

I decide to take it easy, well easier . Unfortunately I always panic. It helps to take my bike and take a long ride.  Speaking over the phone helps. Moving helps tremendously. Mr Sky holds me tight and tells me how welll I am doing, and how the worst is over.

 

I always check my mood and food journal to see if maybe I ate something or did something that could have triggered it. Nowadays it usually is not triggered by anything, I have weeded out all the usual culprits. But  checking my  journal  makes me feel slightly in charge checking.

 

Now, I am in a wave.

 

I am happy there is still no depression, but I think that I don't really have depressions but mood swings, or suddenly feeling overwhelmed . But these feelings pass quickly. In this I know I am very lucky.

 

Talking about it like this upsets me, obviously. Very hard to write about it, right ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Mo...]]

Yes, Sky.. it is upsetting to write about and talk about, but when it's over you will be glad it's documented.  .. Sorry

 

I am heading into panic mode.  Trying to calm down, but I need to lay down and hubby is away.  Need to refocus and find assurance.  I like to try to handle it myself first.  This low lying stuff floats around not in a wave.  Then it spikes on it's own. but still not a wave.  Sorry..  I sound whacky right?  Such is the beast. 

[[je...]]

Life-- my waves start out with anxiety and then I will get head pressure or a migraine my brain feels revved like its vibrating. I have no energy and I'm usually bed ridden if I stand up iam instantly dizzy and feel like I will pass out. The negative thoughts are relentless and then comes the dreaded depression. It is a depression from the pits of hell, so dark and scary that its feels like I will never get out of it. I'm so glad to be out of it right now. I do feel since my recent acute wave that my baseline has improved again. I will say that these waves are harder on me now because they are scary as hell when your 10 months out. Its like they scare me more now being so far out, and I'm also more worn down after dealing with all these sx  for so long.

[[be...]]

My waves always start with the brain feeling like it's being pulled like taffy, then the head and body pressure. Nerve and muscle pain jump on board, here comes the anxiety, doom and gloom feeling, waiting for the ball to drop. The dark depression that leaves me feeling so hopeless.

The tightness in my limbs as if they will break at any moment. Intrusive thoughts of the past, not necessarily bad, just random thoughts. Sometimes my breathing is involved, depends on panic.

My teeth clenching is getting on my last nerve.

Most of my waves are physically worse than the mental ones.

The wave I'm in now is producing a lot of numbness in my body.

Hold on to the Windows when in one, savor them.

[[be...]]

I forgot to add the burning skin and vibrations. Maybe others, I just can't remember at this time...I'm to  :tickedoff:over this wave, it has caused a lot of anger in me.

I'm also Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when in a wave.

Am I a good witch or a bad witch?

Wave be gone!!!!

[[Mo...]]

I forgot to add the burning skin and vibrations. Maybe others, I just can't remember at this time...I'm to  :tickedoff:over this wave, it has caused a lot of anger in me.

I'm also Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when in a wave.

Am I a good witch or a bad witch?

Wave be gone!!!!

 

I am so rarely angry.  Today anger has surfaced.  I love the good witch bad witch.. Wave be gone indeed! 

[[mr...]]

Life,

 

These past few months, waves entering and leaving vary in symptoms & severity. Some of the things I've felt in a wave: anxiety, high anxiety, fear, irrational fears, feeling "incapable", hopelessness, depression, despair, feeling like I'm like this forever, panicky, feelings of guilt, intrusive thoughts, feeling "disconnected" or "further away" from what is going on around me (probably either d/p or d/r), and others. Some of the physical symptoms I've experienced in a wave: nausea, loose stools, diarrhea (only twice), tachycardia, headache, dizziness, fatigue, shakey, torso tremoring or something like that, sweating, sweating that has a different odor, and some others.

 

I don't experience all of them all at once, of course (thank you Lord). Does this help answer your question? I hope so

 

Take care buddy,

 

Mrs.

[[li...]]

Life-- my waves start out with anxiety and then I will get head pressure or a migraine my brain feels revved like its vibrating. I have no energy and I'm usually bed ridden if I stand up iam instantly dizzy and feel like I will pass out. The negative thoughts are relentless and then comes the dreaded depression. It is a depression from the pits of hell, so dark and scary that its feels like I will never get out of it. I'm so glad to be out of it right now. I do feel since my recent acute wave that my baseline has improved again. I will say that these waves are harder on me now because they are scary as hell when your 10 months out. Its like they scare me more now being so far out, and I'm also more worn down after dealing with all these sx  for so long.

 

Ditto Jenny. I am just plane worn out after 10 or 11 months ( depends of who's counting) One thing is for sure we all have the same symptoms by in large.. some more physical and some more mental. I heard something today...

 

Success is having one last window more than a wave. 

[[Co...]]

Life, Jenny, Beulah, Jenny, Lisa, Mommy and Mrs. ....so sorry to hear everyone is riding a wave. Everything you describe mirrors my waves exactly...especially the head pressure. Once the head pressure gets a grip I am in a spiral of fear, depression anxiety and raw fear. It is so demoralizing and depressing to have waves that are exactly like acute so far out. The encouraging thing is all of our s/x are strikingly similar...meaning it is of course w/d.

.....My window is still open tonight, but I know that could change in the blink of an eye.

Hold friends..to whatever gets you through. I know we are going to start to have windows closer together. Sending love to all...wishing you ( and me) peaceful sleep..and sunbreaks tomorrow...coop

[Guest [su...]]

does anyone wake up feeling empty and insane?? i've been doing this for a couple mornings now. although i still don't have my emotions back why would i feel like this?

[[be...]]

Yes, Jenny. I wake up feeling empty, I think it's the depression, it can really deplete the "feel good" feeling. As far as insane, I am insane but it's benzo withdrawal induced.

 

I hope everyone has a better day today.

Hugs

[[Mo...]]

Good morning.. I am in an uncomfortable wave.  Lots of fear and panic.  Last night I was asleep or had just fallen asleep and I was awakened by 'brain activity'.. it was active on its own when it should have been asleep.  Then my pulse started racing and it went from there. 

 

I don't why this surprises me.  I should have recognized it yesterday but I have low lying stuff so it's hard to tell it's coming.  I'm going to pray.  I will pray for everyone else too. 

 

Sussie - waking up can be very difficult as our minds do shuffle to wake up.  I try to do something to get it to burn off.  I am so sorry.  Everyone hang in there.