6-12 month thread....

[[Mo...]]

I'm hurting. Told my husband which hospital to take me to if things get worse. Trying to convince myself it's just a wave and will pass through. My head is burning in the right side, tight throat, perceptions are off - boaty and too tall like I'm peering down, rigid muscles, high anxiety. If it's a wave it will pass. I'm not sure it will pass by Monday morning when I'm due back at work. Please pray if you do that kind of thing. I miss my other life.

 

Peace2

 

Peace- I stopped what I was doing and prayed.  I truly dodged a bullet with some of these symptoms.  I am so sorry for this suffering Peace.  I prayed it would be gone quickly and you can recover tomorrow. 

[[Mo...]]

Looks like everyone is asleep. 

 

This sweating thing is freaking me out.  I lookeded it up on the boards.  Why is it getting worse?  Did I do something?  It used to just be at night.  Now I flash all day.  It also comes with any emotional surge. 

 

What really makes me mad is I think it's my coffee in the morning.  I have been looking up the cortisol surge and adrenal fatigue.  Of course they say no coffee.  I like it because it gives me a clear head.  I try to eat protein with it.  I know this sounds little, but it's making me paranoid. 

 

It is linked to our vacation.  That's when it came back and won't go away.  I just want to sleep.  Our A/C bill is huge! 

 

Ok... Good night Koop and the gang.  Peace I hope you get to sleep. 

 

 

 

 

[[ja...]]

Hi guys..

 

Just popping to let you all know Im thinking about all of you and praying your for your relief..

 

Peace Im Praying for you tonight and I hope you feel some comfort rt now. May all of those horrible sxs ease and go away for you . Your not alone. None of you are..

 

My heart breaks knowing how much all of you are hurting. Stay strong and keep close to all ur buddies here.

 

~Jenny

[[ja...]]

Heres a old post of mine .Im gonna post it here in hopes it gives some Hope rt now with all the blinding pain your all going through..

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=50942.0

[[...]]

Good morning all!

 

Peace, I am praying for your relief! I'm sorry you are going through this!

 

I hope everyone is feeling good today!

 

[Guest [su...]]

i think i had a piece of a window late last night..i went out on my patio to put something out and i felt like my old self for a moment, it was nice too bad it didn't stay. i'm an alien again this morning..it's amazing how this w/d can take away who you are..i'm always scared i won't come back, i want to feel joy and love again..

[[...]]

Wonderful Sussie!! Love windows!!

 

Hope it comes and stays forever!!

 

[[Sk...]]

@[Su...]

 

There is a lot of suffering today, from what I can see.

 

@MommyR, the sweating is awful. On top of it all, you also get to feel all yucky. I had to wash my sheets every day when I had them, and I was not physically fit to do that . Mr Sky had to do that as well.  Our families are going through so much.

I am better now, but during emotional surges it is huge. I can't  imagine having it all day.

MommyR, what do you tell your children ? How do you explain the length of your sickness ?

 

Peace2, prayer sent. I feel for you, the one time I worked for more than one hour, I started to have difficulty listening and paying attention which when you teach is a problem ! And you are working full time ! I hope to be able to do that again soon enough.

 

These days have been off for me too. Everybody says that the big wave comes during the tenth  month, am I going to  get worse than this ?

Well, I will get throught it same as always.

 

If somebody last year had told me how radically my life would change, I never, ever would have believed him.

 

See you all around !

 

 

[[No...]]

Peace ... I remember the perceptual stuff ... walking around feeling so "tall" ... and the head stuff ... really lousy ... hoping, knowing, this will pass for you ... it always does ... Monday is still a "long" way away ...

 

[[No...]]

Sussie ... you have not "disappeared" ... your "joy and love" are still with you ... nothing is "lost" ... the journey is just "confusing" ... your hope and courage are strong ... you are "healing" ...

 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Sunday, Aug. 24

 

Where does it all lead? What will become of us?...It leads to each other. We become ourselves.

 

Patti Smith

 

 

[[fl...]]

Dear Jaso, thank you so much for coming here to encourage us and give us hope! 

[[li...]]

wow, this is an active group.  Guys and girls, we are simply in a wave for those feeling bad. Remember we are not destined to have windows and waves forever -- we are healing! Windows will be our constant soon -- as hard as it is to believe in a wave. Things that are helping me come out of this wave from hell.

 

1. I am not a victim -- I am healed enough where I can rationalize the positive and come out

2. Some of this stuff is just anxiety and anxiety will not kill me. Step into your fears.

3. My life situation is not as bad as I thought it. I have just been conditioned to think this way for two years.

4. Just because I have been feeling miserable for 2 years does not mean that wont change this instance.

6.I will be healed by the 14th month -- those odds are on my side.

7. My baseline is way high even if I am in a wave.

8. waves will come and go but my baseline is getting better.

9. everyday I am away from benzos I get stronger and stronger.

10. question my beliefs that I have formulated during my taper and w/d -- they are outdated and probably incorrect.

 

 

Last night went to a cocktail party ( no drinks for me) and I socialized and spent a night making new contacts. My only concern now is reentry into the business world. Where do I go from here?

 

Life

 

 

[[Co...]]

Peace you are on my thoughts and prayers this morning...sending you love MightyGirl....

Jaso ...thank you so very much for your greatly encouraging posts.  Twhey are stepping stones Cir those of us feeling our way out of this.

.....6-12 smonth buddies....Life, Peace, Nova, Sky, Jenny, Green, Lisa, Mrs, ...and everyone ..our group is happily expanding....VI hope everyone who is suffering today finds some relief and gets a break. It is so good to read posts like. HH 's and Jason 's.  Those stories keep me putting one foot in front of the other.

....My window closed but my baseline is still pretty decent ( buounces around between 70-75% and s few bumps up to 80). I am very functional but wobbly for making pans that I can rely on.

.....We are all healing and as Nova quotes finding our way back to ourselves and each other..coop

 

[[li...]]

Mommy I am 100 percent sure that your hot flashes are coffee. I drink coffee and line clockwork I get hot flashes ten minutes after I drink. I'm a man!

 

Life

[[Co...]]

BENADRYL ALERT.....I have been reading some posts over on the 'Other Medications ' board. Cad posted a question regarding benadryl (Bonnie, Drammamine, Antivert, Mclazine, Benzdryl...all antihistimines). ....Several BBs who have been using benadryl daily posted comments regarding increased w/d s/x and dependency on the benadryl. Benadryl is NOT a benzo, but it is an antagonist and crosses the blood/brain barrier. I sent a pm to Cad and asked for links to research. I looked it up on Wikipedia and did not find a lot except information stating that it is receptor attachment to some transmitters ( H1..H2...)...Nowhere does it address dependency or addiction, but the BBs who responded to Cad's post felt that they weres having some. s/x when trying to stop it ...or tolerance to it after using it for sleep nightly over a period of time. It IX probably fine for one time uses for panics . ...just a. fyi..

......wishing everyone a good Sunday....  love to all....coop

[Guest [su...]]

Sussie ... you have not "disappeared" ... your "joy and love" are still with you ... nothing is "lost" ... the journey is just "confusing" ... your hope and courage are strong ... you are "healing" ... thank you ns how do you like the weather we've been having?? i sit out on my deck everyday now and enjoy the sun.. i'm still here and might be for a while yet.. i wish all of us bb's could get together on my deck and chat over a glass of water lol!! i don't drink coffee or tea.. you could even jump in my lake and have a swim...

 

[[je...]]

Peace-- I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds like a wave, and it could be due to all the stress of starting your new job. I will be praying for you to be better by Monday. Your always in my thoughts, jenny

[[Mo...]]

i think i had a piece of a window late last night..i went out on my patio to put something out and i felt like my old self for a moment, it was nice too bad it didn't stay. i'm an alien again this morning..it's amazing how this w/d can take away who you are..i'm always scared i won't come back, i want to feel joy and love again..

 

WOW!!!  Sussie!! This is wonderful.  I am so sorry it left, but it will return.  I am continuing to pray.

[[Mo...]]

Mommy I am 100 percent sure that your hot flashes are coffee. I drink coffee and line clockwork I get hot flashes ten minutes after I drink. I'm a man!

 

Life

 

Life, I know this (sip) sounds ridiculous, (sip) but to think I have to give it up (sip) is really hard!!!!  I became allergic to coffee in April or May.  It made my tongue, ears and nose burn.  Definitely a reaction.  I also got hives on my wrist, but then it passed.  Aaaaaargh.. I guess I need to find a new drink (sip)..  :'( 

 

Do you flash all day?  Is this new with the w/d?  Do you drink it anyways?

 

MommyR

[[Mo...]]

Heres a old post of mine .Im gonna post it here in hopes it gives some Hope rt now with all the blinding pain your all going through..

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=50942.0

 

Jaso19, Thank you for visiting again.  It's so frustrating to be normal and then not.  To have the little things we took advantage of become almost impossible to do at times.  While I know I almost done with this it is still upfront and center in my life.  I really loved the post.  Thank you. 

[[pe...]]

Jenny, Nova, GMIT, Sky, Coop, MommyR - thank you. My physical symptoms have calmed and my perceptual issues are better too. I feel on edge and like I can't relax. My head feels full of cotton. I haven't been sleeping since my return to work. I was getting a good eight hours all through the summer and this last week I've been lucky to get 5 hours. I'm having a hard time shutting off work noise. I think about this job, the expectations constantly. I want to be able to work. It feels like it's consuming me. This cycle has happened before. Stress and insomnia. I have to learn to let go. I'm not sure how. Seems like it should be so simple.

 

I hope each of you is doing well. MommyR, how about decalf or decalf chai? 

 

Peace2

[[Mo...]]

@Sussie, a piece of window is  a great way of describing those fleeting moments of sanity/normality. I had one once and it was amazing. It is painfully short, really. But it is something, right ?

 

There is a lot of suffering today, from what I can see.

 

@MommyR, the sweating is awful. On top of it all, you also get to feel all yucky. I had to wash my sheets every day when I had them, and I was not physically fit to do that . Mr Sky had to do that as well.  Our families are going through so much.

I am better now, but during emotional surges it is huge. I can't  imagine having it all day.

MommyR, what do you tell your children ? How do you explain the length of your sickness ?

Peace2, prayer sent. I feel for you, the one time I worked for more than one hour, I started to have difficulty listening and paying attention which when you teach is a problem ! And you are working full time ! I hope to be able to do that again soon enough.

 

These days have been off for me too. Everybody says that the big wave comes during the tenth  month, am I going to  get worse than this ?

Well, I will get throught it same as always.

 

If somebody last year had told me how radically my life would change, I never, ever would have believed him.

 

See you all around !

 

Hi Sky,

 

My kids are clueless.  When I was going thru the taper I had them in daycare all day.  I also have family here constantly.  My older son would be the only one who noticed anything.  In all honesty, I would say to him that I was sick, but Jesus is healing me.  Now I am visually normal.  They only think I mean if my temper is short.  I wake up before my kids, so if there is a disturbance an adult sees me first.  When my mom is here we immediately have devotions or pray upon my waking.  If hubby is here, I state my symptoms and grab a cup of coffee.  It is why I don't want to give up the coffee.  It seems to over throw things in my brain. 

 

Chop wood, carry water.. but man it's gets heavy sometimes.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Mommy..." while I know I almost done with this, it is still front and center in my life " That says it exactly.. me too...even on a good day it is the background noise of my mind. That one lovely 100% day I had on Thurs. was a happy happy preview of what healed will feel like. ..Yeesterday was filled with depression.. today is looking good again..and I am so so grateful for that,  but I am already having to ignore the anticipatory worry about what tomorrow is going to be. Doing my best to stay in the moment.

.  Mommy...we are all getting so close. Life and Nova are weeks away from marking one year..you are right behind them..I am hopeful for a good Christmas, but reframing ( again) my time frame to 14-16 months. I may be 90-95% healed before...but just in case. Truth be told I would be completely happy with 90-95%. ..

........Have a happy Sunday...coop

[[Mo...]]

Jenny, Nova, GMIT, Sky, Coop, MommyR - thank you. My physical symptoms have calmed and my perceptual issues are better too. I feel on edge and like I can't relax. My head feels full of cotton. I haven't been sleeping since my return to work. I was getting a good eight hours all through the summer and this last week I've been lucky to get 5 hours. I'm having a hard time shutting off work noise. I think about this job, the expectations constantly. I want to be able to work. It feels like it's consuming me. This cycle has happened before. Stress and insomnia. I have to learn to let go. I'm not sure how. Seems like it should be so simple.

 

I hope each of you is doing well. MommyR, how about decalf or decalf chai? 

 

Peace2

 

I prayed for you!!  Gosh, I am soooo sorry...ugh.  I am glad there has been a let up.  I am hugging you in my heart.  Coop is right.. #MightyGirl!

 

Yes, I welcome all non coffee ideas.  It's not just a coffee, it's a mocha so must have flavor.  The decaf Chai is a great idea.  I will look into it.