6-12 month thread....

[[li...]]

I am having a tough time guys. I guess its due to certain life situations. I really do not know what to do. I have convinced myself that until my life situation is better I wont heal and will remain in a wave. Sorry for being so down but I am not up dosing from gabapentin and I am not going to forget that I will get better. I am just in a weird place. I never thought I would feel like this agin in my life but here I am convincing myself it will get worse before it gets better in my life. Where does this stuff come from?

 

Life

 

Life, "certain life situations" got me on benzos in the first place.  I know they're out there.  I often wonder if my intrusive thought fears came true, how would I handle it.  I don't know.  I do know that you feeling sick and stressed out will have ABSOLUTELY ZERO POSITIVE EFFECT ON THE OUTCOME OF THE SITUATION YOU'RE ANXIOUS ABOUT,  AND MAY EVEN CONTRIBUTE TO A NEGATIVE RESULT.  And it's definitely affecting your wellbeing.

 

Green you are 100% correct! I really appreciate it! My thinking has gone like this..."since I am not healed 100% yet, I am susceptible to stress. So I can not control it"... That is a benzo LIE. I will choose not to believe it! I know that I am healed enough to know what are thoughts that are intrusive. I am absolutely furious at the lies of this benzo beast. I am in control of what I think about. I can and will make it! Just last month I was at a 75% -80% baseline all month with a great window and here I am today thinking I cant keep up. That is crazy! I will choose not to believe these lies. I am stronger than that.

 

Life

[Guest [su...]]

yesterday all day i had intrusive thoughts and today none... go figure.. whats it all about??

[[No...]]

Life ..."where does this stuff come from?" ... one very good question ... and I question I have found impossible to answer ... so I stopped trying ...

 

It may be that you are in a "loop" right now ... attempting to figure out the "whys" and the "what can I do" stuff ...

 

Can I suggest reading the story of Job ... not for answers ... not for whys ... not for what can I do ...

 

Read it possibly for one response to suffering ...

 

Take Care

[[li...]]

Susie I have not had any intrusive thoughts in about 4 months and then BAM! I am not sure if what I am thinking is intrusive thoughts or just a form of "catastrphising" a current life situation. That is I am worrying about something far more than I should! I have to get a grip and not let the benzo beast tell me that I can not handle this. It is in my control to think positive thoughts! I need to go get a tony robins tape or an old Joel Olsteen series.

 

Life

[[li...]]

Life ..."where does this stuff come from?" ... one very good question ... and I question I have found impossible to answer ... so I stopped trying ...

 

It may be that you are in a "loop" right now ... attempting to figure out the "whys" and the "what can I do" stuff ...

 

Can I suggest reading the story of Job ... not for answers ... not for whys ... not for what can I do ...

 

Read it possibly for one response to suffering ...

 

Take Care

 

Thank you Nova..I will read the story of Job... You have been an inspiration. I remember not too long ago reading one of your posts where you said something like " For the first time in a while, I thought I was going to loose it" That is how I felt two days ago. I have been stuck in a loop and I really can't figure any of this out. Thank you for your advice. It is greatly appreciated.

 

Life

[[ga...]]

Life....I pretty much find myself having the same type of thought process as you have.  I tend to do lots of "what if" thinking along with catastrophising.  What a waste of our time and energy.  Now it has to do with my life 6 years down the road when I retire. I worry about everything and anything as to how I will cope when I reach that point.  I pay for it with anxiety and insomnia.  What a waste it is.  Something that may or may never happen.

[[li...]]

Garton, I have had a big relief the last hour or so when I finally understood that we ARE in control of our feelings. Yes benzo beast wants us to believe that we are not in control of our feelings. Here is the facts -- I am 11 months off this crap and I have healed allot. I refuse to believe that I have acquired a form of GAD as all this feels like it. Just general anxiety. Once I started turning the lens on the beast I started feeling better.

 

Nova helped me allot as I was trying to understand everything. I also have to be careful not to make myself a victim to this process because that will bring certain pain to me.

 

Green helped me allot having me understand that we are in control of our feelings. At least much more now than before.

 

Garton, did you always what if before. I did but I really believe that CBT helps. Have you looked into something for you? By the way I can tell when the boards are full of teachers -- less people around!

 

 

MommyR has also helped a bunch with her Godly wisdom and caring heart. Thank you all.

Life

[[fl...]]

Greenice, I'm right where you and Sky are.  I think I'm pretty much healed......BUT???  The big but of uncertainty about how I'd manage a stressful event.  Part of me fears I'd come unglued.  Honestly, but for my anxiety and worse-case thinking, I'd probably be writing a success story too.  Physically, I feel great.  Garton, I see a lot of me in your current status as well.  A LOT, friend.

 

Welcome Jackie and Sussie! 

[[ga...]]

life...Yes.  I label myself as a worrier from back in my childhood.  I remember getting worked up about all kinds of things and this all resulted in some anxiety.  I was able to function just fine even so.  I ended up having sleep issues in my late 30's that increased the anxiety and resulted in my journey into ambien and celexa initially and then the benzos.  I have tried CBT, actually before the drug journey.  I guess it never worked well enough to keep me off them.  Currently I am working with a counselor who specializes in dealing with relationship issues along with those who have dealt with addiction issues.  I would like to think all this is helping me. I'm sure it is better than nothing.  I've always been hesitant to go shopping for the perfect psychologist.  There are many that are qualified and would make a good fit and vice versa.  I will keep working at it and hopefully, in time, things will resolve.  THe further away from the use of these drugs the better things should become in all our lives.

[[li...]]

Hey Floc nice to hear from you. That is what put me in a wave -- a stressful event -- not just a stressful event but an event that anyone recovered or not would stress about. It came out of left field. I refuse to believe that its just the benzo beast -- yes it does not help. But it has allot to do with my coping skills that I have learned. I spiraled in this wave because I thought it was not in my control -- I let the beast have too much credit. I feel better right now but have to apply my CBT skills. I was a wreck after having a 4 week window!

 

Life

[[Sk...]]

Please I think I have missed out of something here, bear in mind that I have a benzo brain.

 

@Life, now we are trying to be in control of our thoughts ? How do you mean ? I thought that the mantra was acceptance.

 

Isn't RiverWolf always saying that the minute you quit trying to oppose intrusives you are one step towards healing ?

 

That is what I have been struggling to do, and it is not easy for me personality wise.

 

But maybe I have missed  out on something.

 

Anyway about intrusives, I have to say that mine look at the future but dwell on the past. Things going back to kindergarten, I am not kidding.

 

I write it all down in a small pad and then trash them the next day. Riverwolf says that he found closure on many events in his life in wd.

 

So I have been looking at it this way. I DON'T HAVE A DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT THIS WILL ALL GO AWAY AND IT IS NOT PART OF ME.  THis is not real anxiety, it is not a preexistent condition. But it does not make things any easier or less painful does it ?

 

Today was suddenly a very rough day so I have a harder time understanding what is being debated here. I am feeling rather awful as I write now.

 

Has anybody tried reading their progress logs ? I read the beginning of mine yesterday,  it was a real eye opener !

 

I could barely put my words together ! It really gives a sense of the improvements we have gone through.

 

I have more or less quit updating it, except to note  the month. It feels like nothing is changing, but so much is !

 

I must go back to writing it, it helps so much. I suggest, if you are feeling bad, have a look at your log and you will see what I mean.

 

Healing thoughts to everybody.

 

Sorry  for the lengthy post, but I guess I am forgiven as I post so little !

[[li...]]

Sky I know that the benzo beast has his  false thoughts and yes acceptance is a great part of everything. After all it is just anxiety. But I was making myself into a victim with all the helpless anxiety I was creating. I made bad situation worts by making it bigger is what I am saying . Acceptance is very important. That which you resist persists!

[[je...]]

Thanks for all the well wishes friends!!

Life-- I was in a 3 week wave from hell, and I just could not believe how incredibly sick I was. I thought I would never pull out of it, and that it was the new me. Here I am not only pulled out of it, but actually feeling good. You will get there too life. You are just in a bad wave, but you will pull out of it, and probably with a better baseline!! Hang in there friend!! We jumped the same day, and both had bad waves at the 10 month mark-- maybe this is our last final big wave before true healing jenny

[[pe...]]

Jenny! I'm so glad you're enjoying your trip. I hope all the deep waves are behind you.

 

Peace2

[[li...]]

Jenny, so nice to hear from you! Yes we are now month 11. I know the average healing time is 14 months here on BB and I count myslef blessed. I was just thrown by this wave as I have had waves in month 8,9, 10 but all shallow. This one was a full blown 8.5-10 and I was not expecting that. I feel much better tonight -- especially since I know that you went through this and came out the other side of this wave. May your window remain open forever. We are getting close Jenny! Everyone we are healing!

 

Life

[[mr...]]

Whoa, tough day gang.

 

Fear, trembling fear, intrusive what-if fears, the "you can't handle" fear, the "don't do XYZ" fears,...you get the idea. I just keep telling my brain, "No worries, buddy -- this is just another adjustment -- a nip & tuck -- and you're healing!" Trembling, shaking, feeling weak-limbed, feeling "zingy" in the brain, some dizziness, a feeling of "distanceness"or "connectedness" from the world around me, feeling uncomfy in my skin--not wanting to "sit still", and other physical stuff associated with anxiety...again, you get the idea. You all have been there, I'm sure. Just -- ick. When I feel fearful and/or anxious like that, my mind sometimes "races" with what-ifs and bad thoughts. I'm not really sure what to do in those moments, in order to stay grounded and calm in the midst of the temporary glutamate storm. Any suggestions? I am interested in learning

 

I hope you all are doing well, buddies Thanks for being here, and listening to me ramble, at the very least Sending love,

 

Mrs.

[[li...]]

mrs, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. It will pass. What helps me is to deep breathing for not just a few times but for hours until it passes and then I deep breath even more. I was wondering were you were today? Were is Coop today?

 

Life

[[Co...]]

Hi 6-12 buddies...

....I was off today ...having an absolutely sweet day with my daughter.

..For those of you in or still in a wave.  encouraging news. I woke up this morning with very minimal s/x ( slight dread and anxiety,). It disappeared shortly after I got up. ...It morphed into the best window . Not the kind of window that causes a moderate ' high on life ' high..but the best window I have had yet. I felt completely and totally myself. Not myself in. window...or myself in p/w. or myself having. a huge day of s/x freedom and rushing relief. This was better than all of that. I was exactly how I was before benzos. My daughter and I went to the park because it was a flukey early fall day. It was like I had never been missing from my life. I felt connected to all the times my daughter and I have been in this park in early fall. Usually in. window I can relate to that day but font feel as connected to my past. Does that make any sense? I don't think I explained it very well.

.  I had su h peace of mind and body today. Almost like I completely forgot all about this w/d process...there just was not any sesnse of it. I simply ( profoundly) had my old self and life back. Back in myself...back in my body.  back in my connection to my before life. Today I tsuely felt 100% healed. Of course I know that I am not. and I have more waves to live through, but now I know what healing feels like and I will never give up. Unbelievable that 3 days ago I was so desperate and defeated and scared that I was thinking about reinstating. 3 days.

.    Dont give up.. things will get betted. You will heal.  You are not going to be like this forever. You will get your life back..

......I am going to bed but I will write to some of the posts of today in the morning.

      ....Thinking of every one of you...wishing peaceful sleep to all....coop

[[Sk...]]

Coop that is so great !

 

Feeling connected, time with your daughter, peace of mind, sounds wonderful. All the more wonderful considering how much you had suffered a couple of days earlier !

Thanks for sharing, that is so encouraging !

 

I guess I am the first person up. Here  in Italy it is 8.28 am. Sending positive thoughts to everybody !

[[pe...]]

Coop- that is truly wonderful news! Thank you for sharing the specifics, how it was different from 'other' good days. How wonderful to feel connected to your present and your past. I hope it lasts and lasts.

 

Peace2

[[fl...]]

Coop, that's fantastic!  Thanks for being so descriptive.  Very encouraging read!

[[je...]]

Coop, iam so happy for you!! Feeling 100% healed is one heck of a good window!! Don't ever give up

[[Fr...]]

Coop - wonderful news on your windows.  I am having some too, but still bad waves in between.  Chopping wood, carrying water as Nova says.

 

Hi Mommy, Jenny, Beulah, Life, Garton, Sky, Green, Peace.  I hope you all feel better soon.

 

Just checking in on a difficult day.

 

Love to you all,

Lisa

[[ja...]]

So happy for you Coop. May the healing and window continue.

 

Love Jackie

[[Mo...]]

Whoa, tough day gang.

 

Fear, trembling fear, intrusive what-if fears, the "you can't handle" fear, the "don't do XYZ" fears,...you get the idea. I just keep telling my brain, "No worries, buddy -- this is just another adjustment -- a nip & tuck -- and you're healing!" Trembling, shaking, feeling weak-limbed, feeling "zingy" in the brain, some dizziness, a feeling of "distanceness"or "connectedness" from the world around me, feeling uncomfy in my skin--not wanting to "sit still", and other physical stuff associated with anxiety...again, you get the idea. You all have been there, I'm sure. Just -- ick. When I feel fearful and/or anxious like that, my mind sometimes "races" with what-ifs and bad thoughts. I'm not really sure what to do in those moments, in order to stay grounded and calm in the midst of the temporary glutamate storm. Any suggestions? I am interested in learning

 

I hope you all are doing well, buddies Thanks for being here, and listening to me ramble, at the very least Sending love,

 

Mrs.

 

Mrs. - I am so sorry you are experiencing this right now.  I love to call it 'unpleasant'.  It's my tongue in cheek way to call it torture.  For me, sitting during those sensations make it worse.  I would get up and walk around.  I do not look ahead more then 30minutes.  If I am able to do anything like make a bed or put in a load of laundry then I do it.  I piece my day out.  I also check in with my husband or family member and tell them what I am experiencing.  I ask for reassurance that I am still progressing in my healing. 

 

Feaer - I voice my fears to those who know me for help to knock them out.. i.e.  I am going to have a heart attack..my body can not take this.. My calf hurts, I think it's a blood clot.. I am going to pass a kidney stone.. the list goes on and on.  Some are based on things doctors say to me, so are random fears.  I have gone to emergency for some of the fears.  If my health has been checked out completely then we review what the doctor said and that I will be fine.  If the fear is irrational, we call it such..ie.. if I leave the house something bad will happen.  What are the odds?  Can I stay in the house forever?  This is different then the agoraphobia I experienced.  It's more catastrophic thinking then phobic.

 

The physical.. sometimes you just have to wait it out.  My physical symptoms usually lesson once I deal with the dear.  Panic is different.  It doesn't always have a reason behind it, just the sensation.  I move around with that one.  It's more of a sensation to me.  Thoughts eventually surface that I can squash. 

 

Adrenaline - This is where I slow it down and stay quiet.  My children get yelled a lot when this happens.  Their voices become high pitched like nails on chalk board.  I go in my bedroom and lay down.  I turn on positive shows via youtube or podcast..Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyers, Korean Dramas (reading the subtitles focuses my brain).  Reading doesn't work for me.  I need all my senses captivated. 

 

The coming out your skin sensation and such falls somewhere between anxiety and adrenaline for me.  It is extremely uncomfortable, but you don't want to rev stuff up.  This is where I engage a conversation with my poor worn down mom..haha.  That's ok, she always has a story for me. 

 

Those are things that worked for me.  It always passes.  Your's will too.  I know you know this, but I am reaffirming it for you.

 

MommyR