Watching a show about online dating rituals at 2 am

[[Ka...]]

Yeah, I am nuts but I am not sleepy at all, seem to be wound up. I really should not watch this show because it gets my blood pressure up. I have watched 3 shows about 6 different guys and how they go about trying to "hook up" online. Some actually do seem to be looking for love or the one but most are just looking for the hook up. Out of the 6 guys, 4 of them were complete D-bags!!! Jerks really. Self proclaimed players. The way they talk about women is really awful. Depending on how good the woman looks and how much she lets him get away with determines how he treats her in most cases. They are highly critical and judgmental. One guy was so callus that I wanted to throw something at the screen! He pulled up to a woman's door and honked the horn. He was a painter and took this lady to some kind of place that you could just paint on a big easel at a table. Because she did not want to paint, he was done with her. She was from Russia I think and she just told him off really. He said that if a woman does not like HIM that something is wrong with her! He had one woman meet him at his sister's home to meet his two sisters on their first date, that would not be intimidating at all?! He said he wanted to see how she would react. Aye!!! She left and basically told him off. The guys narrate the whole process of what they are thinking during the dates. Men are definitely from a different planet from my perspective. Geez!

 

This is a familiar scene with me, years ago I did the online dating thing for about 8 months and then later off and on. It was super stressful, I did a lot of so called social drinking so I could feel more at ease with meeting guys so I could be my usual easy going flirty self. How did that work out for me?

N O T  T O O  G O O D!!! LoL. It is easy to be conversing with 4-5 different guys at a time. I really met a lot of frogs and undesirables. Some had photos online that were 10 years old. Lots had no photos and it was a guessing game. So when I met them it would be lots of surprises, some good some bad. Two of the ones I dated for a few months or any significant amount of time I found out in the end were MARRIED. Was I ever furious and disgusted! I found out that so many were married that are on dating sites, luckily before I planned to met them. Some were more clever and I did not find out. I guess I was pretty insightful as to what kind of people I was chatting with before I went out and met them. I concluded at the end that it can be very, very dangerous and have heard lots of horror stories of people nearly getting killed. One guy that I let in my house turned out to be so creepy that I had to lock myself in my bedroom and threaten to call the police if he did not leave, that was scary but he finally left. When I look back on those days I realize that I am lucky that something really bad did not happen to me. There was one guy I dated that I still pine away for.

 

Watching that show brought it all back! I bet any feminist groups would have a field day with that show. Of course the guys did end up with some real doozies but some of the guys were certainly no prize to take home to mama either. On the show they spend a lot of time talking about how awesome they are. The best of the bunch still made derogatory remarks about women in general. What a crazy world this is that now online dating is what most people do to find dates, so I hear.

 

Anyone else see this marvel on Bravo?

 

[[Fl...]]

All I can say is that it isn't any better for men.

 

Women seem to hate the d-bags and players but the only reason they exist is because women reward those behaviors. After enough times getting burned any "nice guy" who isn't hopelessly brainwashed will eventually wake up and realize that you have to stop listening to what women say they want and start doing what they respond to in order to get anywhere. That doesn't mean that you have to be an asshat. Ideally you should be a well rounded person who looks out for himself but still treats others well, but at the end of the day "nice" is the kiss of death in the mating game so it should come as no surprise why there is so much of the opposite happening.

[[ba...]]

that show doesnt sound too bad i had to watch PBS before around that time at my ranch i dont have cable or satelite there  :

[[Be...]]

I haven't seen the show (it'd probably just irritate me if I did) and I'm absolutely not going to submit to online dating sites.  I'd rather spend the rest of my life single.  Sure I've checked the out before now but from my perspective there's little there but a bunch of vane pretty-boys who think too much of themselves (in other words men who are really still little boys), or women who are so obsessively picky & emotionally damaged from being cheated on by their last fella that there's no way anyone can realistically make the grade.  At east that's the impression I get.

 

For me it has to be real-world contact with someone I truly connect with or nothing at all.  I don't want another relationship for a relationship's sake.

 

Sadly, I fear FG is right about 'nice' being the kiss of death.

 

I miss the closeness and hugs, but I'm not going to sell-out three times in one lifetime.  Learned my lesson on that front the hard way.

 

 

B

 

 

[[Fl...]]

There is a different dynamic to online dating but honestly it isn't a whole lot different than anything else.

 

The idea that church or the bookstore is the only place to meet a "quality" person and bars and the internet are for only the dregs of society is (mostly) wrong and stems more from the fact that there are social stigmas about where you meet people than anything else. I have met just as many quacks in "normal" venues as I have online. Probably more. A friend of mine met his wife in an AOL chat room. They have been happily married for 15?? years now. My best and longest relationship ever was with a girl I met in a bar. Before the whole benzo mess my last girlfriend was a hot, crazy mess and I met her through friends.

 

At the end of the day the world is filled with sketchy people and although you might find a slightly lower proportion of them in cooking class than on craigslist, the whole stereotype thing just doesn't hold true.

[[Fl...]]

I should note that I would *rather* meet someone in real life than through electronic means, but being in the situation I am in I recently did resort to the internet to meet people and I did meet someone.

 

It didn't turn out to be something I wanted to pursue but believe it or not I met her by placing an ad on craigslist. She didn't misrepresent herself and she didn't end up being a crazy stalker (although I was worried about that possibility.....she was very into me and I didn't feel the same). Any of that can just as easily happen in real life anyway.

 

Point is, all ended well as it usually does and chances are I will do the same thing again in the near future.

[[ba...]]

some guys i dated before video games were more important to them than me

[[Be...]]

Hey FG,

 

I don't challenge what you're saying as who am I to judge what works for others?  Actually I forget that my sister met her partner on a dating site and they seem to be pretty well suited to each other. 

 

Don't get me wrong, my experience so far has been as I described above and that's all I have to work with to make my assessment, but I don't extend that to thinking that internet daters are the leftovers of society.  I can appreciate that for some people they're in life situations, certain jobs, or are isolated for some other reason and that means they don't get to meet many people so they turn to internet connections.

 

For me, however, there's always going to be one problem with dating sites: practically all the people there are actively looking for someone to be with and that switches me off as I feel like I'm simply a product to them.

 

I prefer to believe in love at first sight and play the odds of random chance meetings with someone I stumble across face-to-face.  That's where the magic is for me.

 

I can't do that over electronic means, so it's not suitable for me.  In short if it happens it happens, but I'm not the sort to go actively looking for it and that's where online dating doesn't suit a chap like me.

 

 

B

 

[[Fl...]]

For me, however, there's always going to be one problem with dating sites: practically all the people there are actively looking for someone to be with and that switches me off as I feel like I'm simply a product to them.

 

I prefer to believe in love at first sight and play the odds of random chance meetings with someone I stumble across face-to-face.  That's where the magic is for me.

 

To me it's 6 of one, half dozen of another. Gotta do what works for you though!

[[Ka...]]

I've checked the out before now but from my perspective there's little there but a bunch of vane pretty-boys who think too much of themselves (in other words men who are really still little boys), or women who are so obsessively picky & emotionally damaged from being cheated on by their last fella that there's no way anyone can realistically make the grade.  At east that's the impression I get.

 

Sadly, I fear FG is right about 'nice' being the kiss of death.

 

Benzoid, I totally agree with you, and you are male which is a good sign. It is not just my opinion that the internet dating sites ARE full of vain pretty boys who think too much of themselves and the damaged women, I am guessing that those guys make up about 40%, the married sleeze balls another 40% and then the real deviants 20%. Maybe the percentages are off a bit but that is certainly what I found, there may be a larger percentage of deviants that are dangerous.

 

I think there is emotional damage on both sides of the dinner table. The war of the sexes rages on. I hate to agree with FG at all, but being too nice is not a great idea for either party. However, the idea that women reward bad behaviors is a popular way of thinking by some to justify their own bad behavior.

 

Online dating has become so popular I think because of all the socially isolated people that live behind a keyboard and have no social skills, or lost them somehow. (from going through benzo withdrawal possibly?) Finding a mate is a daunting task for sure.

 

I won't ever resort to internet dating again, most people on there seem to be looking for a hook up, period. Most of them men but lots of women too. May as well go to a bar. Plus it can be very dangerous for vulnerable people. 

[[Fl...]]

However, the idea that women reward bad behaviors is a popular way of thinking by some to justify their own bad behavior.

 

The bottom line is that women hold the keys to the kingdom when it comes to sex and relationships. Eggs are valuable, sperm is cheap. Whatever the women want, guys will give them. That isn't the only reason why guys might behave the way they do, but if want things to change it has to start with the ladies.

 

Guys get a lot of flak for pointing this kind of thing out because it isn't PC but it doesn't take more than a cursory understanding of psychology and sociology to see how all of this really works.

[[Be...]]

I've checked the out before now but from my perspective there's little there but a bunch of vane pretty-boys who think too much of themselves (in other words men who are really still little boys), or women who are so obsessively picky & emotionally damaged from being cheated on by their last fella that there's no way anyone can realistically make the grade.  At east that's the impression I get.

 

Sadly, I fear FG is right about 'nice' being the kiss of death.

 

Benzoid, I totally agree with you, and you are male which is a good sign. It is not just my opinion that the internet dating sites ARE full of vain pretty boys who think too much of themselves and the damaged women, I am guessing that those guys make up about 40%, the married sleeze balls another 40% and then the real deviants 20%. Maybe the percentages are off a bit but that is certainly what I found, there may be a larger percentage of deviants that are dangerous.

 

I think there is emotional damage on both sides of the dinner table. The war of the sexes rages on. I hate to agree with FG at all, but being too nice is not a great idea for either party. However, the idea that women reward bad behaviors is a popular way of thinking by some to justify their own bad behavior.

 

Online dating has become so popular I think because of all the socially isolated people that live behind a keyboard and have no social skills, or lost them somehow. (from going through benzo withdrawal possibly?) Finding a mate is a daunting task for sure.

 

I won't ever resort to internet dating again, most people on there seem to be looking for a hook up, period. Most of them men but lots of women too. May as well go to a bar. Plus it can be very dangerous for vulnerable people.

 

^^ That's why I'd rather stay single than go to a dating site.  It's also why I choose not to actively seek a partner.  If it happens it happens if not then I'm single.

 

My mum, along with several other women, told me that one of the biggest turn-offs for women is men who come across desperate and/or promote their looks as the first good thing in their arsenal (I was always taught good looks are a bonus).

It's the same for me, I switch off when chased by a woman or when she asks me if I think she's pretty.  That's her done the moment she says that to me.

 

My nearly ex wife (37) met someone on a dating site a while back, a 57yr old impotent guy, and it turned out he was using her to take to swinger parties.  Sad if you ask me because of the dark side of it.

 

Then again each to their own.  But it's not my style.  I want to be liked because of who I am not how I look or what colour my eyes are, or what starsign I am, or what job I do.  All just seems way to weird and creepy to me.

 

 

B

 

 

Ps, it appears I don't know how to spell vain

[[Fl...]]

Then again each to their own.  But it's not my style.  I want to be liked because of who I am not how I look or what colour my eyes are, or what starsign I am, or what job I do.  All just seems way to weird and creepy to me.

 

Everything about you is "who you are". Your looks, your personality, your income, your medical conditions, everything. And despite what anyone says they do take all of those factors into account.

[[Be...]]

Then again each to their own.  But it's not my style.  I want to be liked because of who I am not how I look or what colour my eyes are, or what starsign I am, or what job I do.  All just seems way to weird and creepy to me.

 

Everything about you is "who you are". Your looks, your personality, your income, your medical conditions, everything. And despite what anyone says they do take all of those factors into account.

 

I emphatically disagree.  I'm not interested in looks, status or health conditions or race.  I'm only interested in what's in their heart, their morals, their principals and how they treat others.  Sorry pal but you can't paint everyone with the same brush.

 

I also disagree that a person's job, for example, or looks, dictates 'who' they are.  There may sometimes be commonalities between the two, but that's just what they do for a living.  Being a doctor, for example, doesn't automatically mean you're a compassionate person.  Some of them are in it for the status or the money and care little about their patients.  One only has to read some of the threads on member's doctors to see that.

 

 

B

[[Fl...]]

I emphatically disagree.  I'm not interested in looks, status or health conditions or race.  I'm only interested in what's in their heart, their morals, their principals and how they treat others.  Sorry pal but you can't paint everyone with the same brush.

 

Not to single out women (although they are usually more adamant about not being "shallow") but I have had this discussion with a couple of ladies and after insisting they are in no way interested in anything but how "good" a person is, all it takes is one question to tease out the truth. I usually ask, "So what you are telling me is that you could/would be with a smelly, 5'1" 350lbs homeless guy, as long as he is a good person?" To which there is usually no good response followed by more insistence that they aren't shallow, etc. It "just so happens" that every guy they have ever been with has had something going for him besides his personality, but they still insist until they are blue in the face that they don't judge people based on anything but that.

 

One tried to convince me that she wasn't her own version of shallow for requiring a guy who has at least as much education and as much income as she . No matter how you slice it, she has standards and judges people on things other than what is "in their heart" just like everyone else. She doesn't want to admit it but that this is no different than a guy who chooses her for being thin and attractive. We ALL judge and we ALL have standards and criteria for a mate. Some folks might be more flexible as far as looks and income go, but no matter how you slice it everyone has standards.

 

And despite what PC culture tells you it isn't a bad thing to have standards. That's how nature works and what ensures that a species survives. I know you don't want to think of it in that way cause it takes the fun and mystery out of it, but not wanting to believe it doesn't make it any less true.

 

I also disagree that a person's job, for example, or looks, dictates 'who' they are.  There may sometimes be commonalities between the two, but that's just what they do for a living.

 

That isn't what I said at all.

 

 

[[Be...]]

I emphatically disagree.  I'm not interested in looks, status or health conditions or race.  I'm only interested in what's in their heart, their morals, their principals and how they treat others.  Sorry pal but you can't paint everyone with the same brush.

 

Not to single out women.. <snip>

Except the below two comments from you are doing just that, singling out women as the cause of poorly behaving

men:

 

Women seem to hate the d-bags and players but the only reason they exist is because women reward those behaviors.

+

The bottom line is that women hold the keys to the kingdom when it comes to sex and relationships. Eggs are valuable, sperm is cheap. Whatever the women want, guys will give them. That isn't the only reason why guys might behave the way they do, but if want things to change it has to start with the ladies.

 

 

Ps,

but the only reason they exist is because women reward those behaviors

+

That isn't the only reason why guys might behave the way they do

Are contradictory statements.

 

 

(although they are usually more adamant about not being "shallow") but I have had this discussion with a couple of ladies and after insisting they are in no way interested in anything but how "good" a person is, all it takes is one question to tease out the truth. I usually ask, "So what you are telling me is that you could/would be with a smelly, 5'1" 350lbs homeless guy, as long as he is a good person?" To which there is usually no good response followed by more insistence that they aren't shallow, etc. It "just so happens" that every guy they have ever been with has had something going for him besides his personality, but they still insist until they are blue in the face that they don't judge people based on anything but that.

 

I'm sorry, FG, but the small cross-section of women you've personally spoken to A) don't represent all women nor B) represent all men, so that answer which relates to my challenge of your proclamation (especially the bolded part) that:

 

Everything about you is "who you are". Your looks' date=' your personality, your income, your medical conditions, everything. [b']And despite what anyone says they do take all of those factors into account.[/b]

 

..makes no linear connection.  It's not quite a strawman, but it looks very much to me like a diversion.

 

Using terminology like

despite what anyone says

is highly dismissive of other viewpoints held by people other than yourself.  In other words fingers are going in ears and la la la is being shouted.

 

 

We ALL judge and we ALL have standards and criteria for a mate. Some folks might be more flexible as far as looks and income go, but no matter how you slice it everyone has standards.

But that's not what you were originally saying.  You weren't talking about everyone having general standards you were saying quite matter-of-factly that:

 

And despite what anyone says they do take all of those factors into account.

 

That's simply not true in ALL cases, which is the point I'm challenging you over, not whether or not people in general have standards.  I gave you my criteria and one can't overlay their own experience or perspective onto all others and simply expect everyone else to go along with it.  It's not your privilege to assume every single person sees it the same way you do, and to then go on to tell them that they must do is, frankly, quite ludicrous if not offensive. 

 

 

And despite what PC culture tells you it isn't a bad thing to have standards. That's how nature works and what ensures that a species survives. I know you don't want to think of it in that way cause it takes the fun and mystery out of it, but not wanting to believe it doesn't make it any less true.

Well, psychoanalysing me doesn't make you right, as I've said above.  Your standards are clearly very different to mine.  I'm not saying better or worse, but they are different.  Telling me you know me better than I know myself won't wash.

 

 

 

I also disagree that a person's job' date=' for example, or looks, dictates 'who' they are.  There may sometimes be commonalities between the two, but that's just what they do for a living.[/quote']

 

That isn't what I said at all.

Yeah it is, you said:

 

Everything about you is "who you are". Your looks, your personality, your income, your medical conditions, everything. And despite what anyone says they do take all of those factors into account.

And I'm disagreeing with that because at least two of us in this thread don't see it that way at all (who you are and what you are and what you do, are all different things), and at least one of us for sure (me) doesn't take all those factors into account because not all those factors are important to me in a partner.  As I've said, I value different things in people and those are what attract me to them.

 

Who is anyone else to proclaim otherwise?   

 

 

B

[[ba...]]

i met a few people i met from online the creepyest time was when i talked to someone from a online video game (runescape) we introduced ourselfs and he lived just 15mins away! i told him too much information such as where i worked at and the location of the little store one morning i was on the game talking to him i said " i have to go soon i have to go to work ok"

a couple of hours went by there at work , a customer came in i had to greet everyone coming in i said " hello" and he responded " hello azule (my game nickname)  !

[[Ka...]]

Oh no! That is too creepy, I bet you felt a little scared, I know I would. Yeah you know we cannot divulge any info about where exactly we live or work. I worked in a hospital back when I did the online dating thing so if anyone showed up at my work I could have gotten fired, that would just not be kosher at all. I am glad you are ok and nothing happened to you. Like I said there are a fair number of creeps and scary potentially dangerous people online, more than we probably imagine. I feel very lucky to have come out of the whole thing safe and sound (physically anyway). It was a bit traumatic for sure, I don't have many pleasant memories from that experience. I sure wish I had gotten wise sooner and stopped way a long time before I did. Burned!!!

 

Do you ever go on online dating sites anymore? I know I won't!

[[ba...]]

no i never been to any online dating sites , i only go to online places to chat sometimes the last time i met someone from online was halloween last year someone from skype found my name just from being in the same city as him we talked for a few months and we decided to hang out last halloween i was enjoyable i brought a friend along so i didnt worry