Funny Jokes, Pics & Vids

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Lets share some funny jokes, pics & vids here....

 

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by

 

court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you sh*ting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

 

______________________________________

And last:

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

 

 

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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

 

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

 

The president curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

 

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered.

 

"But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

 

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

 

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.

 

Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.

 

"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

 

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!

[[ig...]]

Oh, babu!! What a great thread!! I'm still laughing!

I'm going to post something from a company that sells cool stuff...can I do that?

Stay tuned...

 

Still laughing..... ;D

Iggy

[[IG...]]

I've gotta show this one to my husband, just hysterical...love it..

 

Now I'm on a joke search too..

 

Molly 

[[pa...]]

Thanks!!  That was hysterical  ;D :clap:

 

Pattylu

[[sn...]]

Babu, now that's one damn hilarious post. I haven't read anything that funny in awhile. Thanks for posting.

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Oh, babu!! What a great thread!! I'm still laughing!

I'm going to post something from a company that sells cool stuff...can I do that?

Stay tuned...

Sure you can.. feel free to post anything you like

 

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An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

 

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

 

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried..

Love, Vinnie

;

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

 

 

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THE REFRIGERATOR

 

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

 

The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.

 

"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!

 

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

 

The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

 

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

 

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

 

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!

 

Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

 

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

 

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

 

"Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

 

 

[[Bi...]]

LOL  :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :clap:

[[IG...]]

:laugh: :yippee: :laugh: :yippee:

 

[[ig...]]

I love the Vinnie-in-prison joke. It's filled with human kindness..with an interesting twist.

Thanks for all the jokes...

my best,

Iggy  :thumbsup:

[[eg...]]

I remember when I was little, I stuck my finger into a wall socket. As expected I got shocked. My dad was pissed, and told me I was grounded..... 

[[mp...]]

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/happy/rolling-on-the-floor-laughing-smiley-emoticon.gif

[[sn...]]

I remember when I was little, I stuck my finger into a wall socket. As expected I got shocked. My dad was pissed, and told me I was grounded..... 

That's funny. haha...not that you got shocked. You were grounded and you were grounded...electrically. Very witty eglong. lol

[[pa...]]

LOL  :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :clap:

 

I second that Babu!  :2funny: :2funny: :laugh:

[[ru...]]

i found this video last night; Iron Maiden making a mockery of Lip Synching. apparently the band came to do this show only to be informed they were going to have to fake sing and play there instruments with the studio version of the song as the backing track. they didn't like this and decided to do something fun about it and the results r hilarious

 

[[sn...]]

Wasted years...I can relate to that song.

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An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

 

'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

 

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

 

'What's this?' the boss asks.

 

'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.

 

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

 

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

 

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

 

'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

 

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

 

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'

 

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

 

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

 

 

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

 

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

 

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

 

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

 

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

 

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

 

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

 

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

 

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." 

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A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their

mothers-in-laws to hopefully get to know and understand each other

better since relations between them were very sour.

 

Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the

daughters-in-law.

 

Unfortunately the bus the mothers-in-law were travelling in was

involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.

 

The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were

all puzzled by one woman who wailed uncontrollably for what they

perceived to be her loss.

 

Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so

hard, I didn't realize you were so close to your mother-in-law?"

 

To which she replied,

"No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!