Irritants, Annoyances and Pet Peeves, OH MY!

[[Ch...]]

I've lived where they say "youNs" and "Y'all"

 

And instead of "press" the button in the elevator, it's "mash the button".

 

And where was I when the guy giving me a tour of a hotel property said, "I'll carry you around". He didn't mean it. I had to walk!

 

I'm 5' 11". Perfect strangers come up to me and ask me to help with items on the top shelf.

 

Aw thanks, Flippy.  I'm gooooood but I'm not perfect.   

And I'll be glad to get stuff from the bottom shelf for you!

 

 

People who inch into the middle of a line avoiding eye contact when you've bravely summoned up your best 'drop-dead' stare.

 

 

[[mp...]]

Flip,  , you did it again!

 

You made me remember something long buried from my "happy" childhood.

 

My father used an odd word a lot, I gave it my own meaning in my head, that's how I remembered things - by making pictures, avatars, for all weird words that I didn't understand.

 

"I won't take no "financer" . In my mind, I saw a banana    Who knows why?  No one else in my world said that, so I had to take the picture out of my mind to make any sense when he said that.

 

No for an answer.  :laugh: . I never was confident about my banana, so luckily, I never ever said it out loud. Years later of course, I learned what it really was. I still don't say it, it has bad connotations for me.

 

But I think it's funny!

 

I recently found a website where people are welcomed to chime in about the words or phrases that are unique to Minneosota.  My father used most of them. They are just plain wrong.

 

libary

alblum

malk (instead of milk)

dis, der, dos  (I think these could be Chicago, too)

yer

ya

becha and literally hundreds more.

 

HOW did I learn to speak? 

 

M.

[[Fl...]]

Medical mistakes!!!!!!!! Arg!

 

Use, please, Challis, get stuff off the bottom shelf for me and I'll get stuff off the top shelf for you! 

 

M, I know! When I listen to some family members speak, I have no idea how I learned to speak proper English - or maybe I didn't? Will you guys teach me? 

[[...]]

http://i1132.photobucket.com/albums/m575/maxmoo/Funny%20Pics/Decor%20Smileys/ththspamsmiley2.gif    hahahahaha!  ummmmmm spammmmm

[[Fl...]]

:2funny:

 

I hate BOTH kinds of spam, Skyy. 

[[da...]]

It's a sad, sad day  I have just received my final robo call from Clarisse at Credit Card Services.  She tells me my credit card is in good standing but it is URGENT that I contact her immediately as she will not be calling me at 5 AM again.

 

I'm tearful and near despondant...How could this happen to me?

 

I need a Krispy Kreme.

 

Donna

[[Fl...]]

Don't OD on KK, Donna.  . You WILL get a second last chance...and a third...and a forth....

[[da...]]

I hope you are right, Flip.  The sound of her robotic voice at the crack of dawn has given me even more hope that there is life beyond Benzo's.  Maybe I should call the 800 number she leaves so I can be assured I will hear from her for the rest of forever.

 

Donna

[[Fl...]]

But they don't answer the 800 number, Donna. Lord knows I've tried! I just feel so empty! 

[[da...]]

So you're telling me this is just some sick, twisted way of getting our hopes up that we might be able to reduce our interest rate from 34%  to 33.9% ?  That Clarisse is nothing more than a credit card tease?

 

Oh.  Now I feel empty inside too.  Maybe Harriet from Omaha Steaks will call me today to fill up the gaping hole in my heart.

 

Donna

[[Fl...]]

Aw, it'll be OK. I am afraid that Clarisse IS just a tease, but take heart! You can always try to get an insurance company to do something productive, like approving a test. That will rack up many glorious hours of Muzak and repetitive holds. There is hope for your empty heart.

 

For diversion, you can always glue some toilet paper to you shoe and walk around the mall and take bets on how long it takes before some kind soul tells you.

Flip

[[da...]]

My spirit has risen to new heights, just like the Mighty Phoenix!  While emptying my e-mail spam folder I discovered I have won the Nigerian Lottery!  Yes, it's true!!!  All I have to do is send Omar Thyuiopytst (head of the lottery commission) $25,000 to cover appropriate taxes and processing and he will send me $975,000!

 

 

So, when one door closes, another one opens.  Now I can buy a popcorn machine!

 

Donna

[[mp...]]

Hey, I completely trust those honest people, so I'll front you the popcorn machine, we know those funds are probably in your bank as we speak....................

 

http://www.picgifs.com/food-and-drinks/food-and-drinks/nuts-and-popcorn/food-and-drinks-nuts-and-popcorn-337831.gif

[[da...]]

Thank you, M.  In return for your kind generosity, I will buy us both gold lame car tarps.  We will be HOT, I tell you..HOT!

 

Donna

[[mp...]]

http://www.picgifs.com/graphics/f/fire/graphics-fire-046336.gif

[[je...]]

HOW TO GET RID OF TELEMARKETERS

 

OKAY.  Big confession.  Here is a foolproof way to get rid of telemarketers who slip through the no call list net.  When someone calls me with an offer, IF they say my name even a little bit wrong (and my name has lots of potential for mispronunciation), I say very gentle and forlornly:

 

"I am so sorry to tell you that she has passed away."

 

After the initial gasp and the condolences, a promise is made to take the name off of the list.

 

However, I have a moral dilemma.  If my name is pronounced correctly, then I do not kill me off.  Then I have to bring out the brass knuckles and tell them not to call me again.  Good look with that.  Maybe next time they will mispronounce me.  Let's hope.

 

My husband overheard me do this the other day, and he is still recovering. 

 

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[[da...]]

Oh Jenn...that is toooooo funny!  I haven't used that method of disposal yet but I have told people I'm the babysitter.  That's only a temporay solution.  Because 'off shore' telemarketers are exempt from the no call law there's no way to avoid being pestered.  And if you have ever in your lifetime ordered a product from a company they are allowed to call also.  I made the mistake of ordering Omaha Steaks for my aunt one year....they called me five times a week...even on my cell phone.  They now text me on my cell, even though I haven't bought anything from them in over four years.

 

I love your idea....will try it next time!

 

Donna

[[da...]]

Being jerked out of a well deserved toxic nap by a television ad for Unclaimed Freight Warehouse.  A guy who sounds like he just sucked a helium tank dry screams louder than any other commercial on t.v.  In case you're interested, you can buy a nine piece living room set for $398.  Pick up only.

 

Donna

[[jr...]]

Spanish.  My pet peeve is Spanish.

 

Since I live in Arizona French and Latin were, perhaps, not my best choices of language to study.

 

I spoke to my pharmacy today, and was informed that my doctor denied refills of my 2 prescriptions, which I will be out of tomorrow.  They said my doctor's office told them I was seeing her on Monday (which is correct) and she did not want to refill them until she knows how I am doing.  I have been taking 1 of them for almost a year and the other one for over 6 months, so that was slightly irritating news.  I have been seeing this doctor for a year on a regular basis.

 

I then decided to call my doctor's office to explain the situation to them.  I got a recording that said, "If you would like to continue this call in English please press 1 now".  I did that.  FOUR TIMES.  The entire call was in Spanish.  I tried pressing 2, and the call just ends.  I can understand a little of the language, but not a long recording.

 

I think I'll move to France

[[jr...]]

Just as an addendum to my above rant, I was calling a psychiatric office.  Nice way to really drive someone nuts who is already on the edge.

[[da...]]

Oh J...so sorry that happened.  It's annoying to push buttons through the maze of menus almost all businesses use as an answering service.  I love how you are sitting there for fifteen minutes listening to The Night Has a Thousand Eyes while you wait and interjected every ten seconds is 'Your call is very important to us but we are busy servicing other customers.  Please hang up and direct your question to our website."  Yeah...I'll do just that and hear from you sometime next week?

 

We have a last name that sounds Spanish but it's really Portuguese.  I get phone calls IN Spanish every single day.  We get three complimentary magazines in Spanish...I use them to swat flies and as kindling for a fire.  I don't speak a word of Spanish.

 

I hope you get your presciption dilemma settled....push 7 to disconnect!

 

Donna

[[mp...]]

Elevator etiquette or lack thereof: M.'s  Simple Elevator Rules, Ride Right or Die.

 

 

When you are in the back of a crowded elevator, please say SOMETHING to let everyone know you need to get out, don't just push out bony elbow or bratty, snotty kid first.

 

Conversely, if I am letting you know politely that I need to get out from the back, kindly move your fat arse out of my way. Don't just stand there like a dim witted cow chewing your cud. Pick up your udders and move out of the way. And don't give me a dirty look. It's not my fault that my floor was before yours.

 

People getting off the elevator have right of way. If you are waiting for the elevator, do not keep your head down and plunge on ahead as though you are a defensive player for the New York Giants. You will not get credit for taking any passenger down, this only works in football.

 

When you get off an elevator, assume that there is always going to be someone waiting to get on. Always assume they are an idiot as Dr. Greg House would say, and do not plunge ahead just because you have the right of way. Just like moron pedestrians should not blindly cross at an intersection - yes they have the legal right of way, but sometimes they are righteous and dead.  Wait for those doors to open completely before you committ to running out with your head down. You'll live longer.

 

Do not talk on your cell phone in an elevator. Do not eat in an elevator. Do not have PDA's in an elevator. Do not adjust your private parts in an elevator. Dear heavens, do not sing in an elevator (this includes humming).

 

Pretend you are being watched and listened to in an elevator, because you probably are. And they are laughing at you, and will show the video to their little friends later.

 

Do not strike up a 'friendly' conversation with me in the elevator. I want to get to my job/appointment, I don't want to be your friend.  If I did, I would have dressed differently.

 

Know that if your kid touches me, I will kick it. Hard.

 

If you "accidentally" touch me, I have the right to kick you there. Hard.

 

Do not stand by the control panel unless you want to be the elevator operator, this would include, by default, holding the door open at every floor.

 

A fun thing to do:

 

When in the back of a too solemn elevator, shout out your request for floor 13. Panic will ensue until someone gains validation by brightly chiming "Hey, that's impossible, this building doesn't have a 13th floor!".  Everyone will have a good chuckle and feel all warm and fuzzy. A good time will be had for all. But still kick them if they touch you.

 

In general, take the stairs.

 

M.  (I have had a lot of fun riding elevators  )

[[da...]]

People who walk up to an elevator and push the button over and over a million times thinking that will open the door quicker.  Then get in the elevator and push the button to their floor another million and a half times...rat a tat tat...rat a tat tat.

 

People who push the 'close door' button just as you are stepping inside.

 

People who take fifteen minutes to get 20 bucks out of an ATM machine while a line of other customers is snaked through the parking lot, waiting.  Pull up and have no idea where their wallet is with the card inside..  Find it.. look at it, look at it again...read every line on the machine like it was War and Peace....throw their head back trying to think of their PIN....Hold on hold on...can't reach the menu buttons...whip off the seat belt, crack open the car door and stretch towards the machine....press a button...NO...that's not my pin...do I want a reciept...let me think....Goodness...this is a dilemma...Is twenty bucks enough? Probably not... I better start over.  Oh...and while I'm here I think I will pay my mortgage and make a car payment.  Everyone behind me.... please shut your pie hole while I find my check book and a pen.  Your honking is give me a migraine.

 

Donna

 

 

[[mp...]]

Early last summer, when I could barely walk a straight line, let alone stand for more than 5 minutes, I went to a bank to make a necessary deposit after it closed, so of course, I was using ATM. Who was first in line, a nice looking middle aged gentlemen. He made his transaction pretty quickly, and I was thanking my lucky stars as I started to lurch forward.

 

Just as I got uncomfortably close to the nice man, who for some reason was still standing in front of the ATM, I heard a shrieking little girl scream out, "Let me do it grandpa".  Well, of course dotty grandpa had to let little shrieky girl do some kind of transaction that sounds a lot like you have described Donna.  It took forever. 

 

I was now silently praying that I would not crumple down to the sidewalk. Not so much because it would have been embarassing, but because there would have been no getting up. My body was making weird jerking motions as I summoned up all my courage and strength to say to him, 'Please sir, I would consider it a great courtesy if you could finish up  there, I'm very ill and I need to make my deposit now."

 

Well, this kind gentleman said, "You look well enough to me, my granddaughter needs to learn the ropes here, I'm sure you can wait just a few more minutes." 

 

Yes sir, I thought, I have my whole life to wait for you, you complete **ck******.

 

Oh how I love the little things that make us smile.

 

M.

[[da...]]

M...I'm short and always pull up to the ATM, get out of the car and walk to the machine so I can reach the menu.  One day I was standing there waiting for an elderly woman to make her transaction.  She had her window open and was tapping at the buttons with the tip of her cane!  Of course this took forever, so I walked up and asked if I could help.  I thought she was going to beat me to death with that walking stick..."Young lady...I couldn't POSSIBLY give you my pin number."  I guess I understand the reasoning but Holy Moly.  And the Young Lady comment DID make my day.

 

And yes...what a grandpa should do is teach is toddler grand daughter how to wipe out his bank account!

 

Donna