love in the time of benzos

[[sw...]]

Mainly love was making me feel very good during my withdrawal but this morning love is making me feel bad.  I don't even know if I'm being silly or if I understand things all too well.  Time will tell, and hopefully sooner rather than later so I don't have to keep wondering.  I guess I've been doing so well to only bask in the happy side of love for so long, but this morning things really hurt.

 

[[sw...]]

ouch, my heart is literally breaking.  And I still don't know if I'm being ridiculous or not.  ow ow.  No fun.

 

[[Sp...]]

Here's some love, sweetie. {{bearhug}}

 

You don't know this, because there's no pm'ing at the moment, but you are one of my BB heroes. Really. You have helped me more than you know. Hope that's not too totally weird, coming from an utter stranger.

 

Hang in there.

Sparrow

[[sw...]]

um, I could really use some support, here.  Anyone? 

 

Basically for months I've been dating someone I really care about who stands out entirely from everyone I've ever met (I'm in my late 30's) and who very regularly tells me how much she loves me and loves being with me who seems to have just told me by text that she wants to abruptly put things on hold indefinitely.  This honestly hurts so much more than any of the withdrawal I've gone though (and I've been through the wringer on that count many times and to the extreme).

 

I know this sounds crazy, but I've actually made it this far in life only feeling this way (broken hearted) once before and I was fairly young (college).  Maybe it's because I date a lot less than average, and I've been able to shelter myself, this way, but this pain is so unfamiliar and overwhelming to me and it hurts so badly.  A lot of this would be going on without the withdrawal, but withdrawal is definitely not making this any easier to cope with.

[[Ch...]]

Aw, I don't know what this is about, but I'm sorry, sweet g...

Challis  http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o31/libbybabe/bighug.gif

 

[[sw...]]

Here's some love, sweetie. {{bearhug}}

 

You don't know this, because there's no pm'ing at the moment, but you are one of my BB heroes. Really. You have helped me more than you know. Hope that's not too totally weird, coming from an utter stranger.

 

Hang in there.

Sparrow

 

Thank you so much for replying!  And for what you said.  You don't know how much it means to me to know that I sincerely helped someone else.  It really helps me to cope with the pain of this experience knowing that I'm at least making it a little easier for someone else.  And people have helped me, too, so I know what it can mean to get that bit of help or insight or support or guidance that makes all the difference, and am glad to repay the help by paying it forward to someone else.  You actually just made me feel a lot better by saying that.  Thank you.

 

[[sw...]]

Aw, I don't know what this is about, but I'm sorry, sweet g...

Challis  http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o31/libbybabe/bighug.gif

 

Thanks.  I think I just needed some human contact.  It was a lousy thing to basically wake up to by text and then have no one around.

[[Ch...]]

We posted at the same time, so my post looks a bit stupid so here goes again...

 

I'm very sorry to read this.  Heartbreak is never, ever easy, but during times of illness or challenges like withdrawal it's even harder.  Words of comfort probably don't begin to touch the pain.  I wish they could.  I wish I knew what to say that might take even a tiny bit of your pain away, but I don't.

 

We are here for you, sweet g...you know that.  I think you'll hear from a lot of us today.

 

Challis http://i358.photobucket.com/albums/oo29/pigletmph/zadiffgrouphug.gif

 

[[Ho...]]

The information age of emails and text messages is wonderful but I think it's cowardly to text such a thing, sweet g. I think you need to speak to her. Is there a way you can do that to find out more about what's going on. You have the right to know more than a few words in a text message can give you.

 

sweet, I have to move this thread to off topic but we'll keep a watch for replies.

 

Btw, the forum was slow yesterday because it was a holiday in Canada.

[[sw...]]

We posted at the same time, so my post looks a bit stupid so here goes again...

 

I'm very sorry to read this.  Heartbreak is never, ever easy, but during times of illness or challenges like withdrawal it's even harder.  Words of comfort probably don't begin to touch the pain.  I wish they could.  I wish I knew what to say that might take even a tiny bit of your pain away, but I don't.

 

We are here for you, sweet g...you know that.  I think you'll hear from a lot of us today.

 

Challis http://i358.photobucket.com/albums/oo29/pigletmph/zadiffgrouphug.gif

 

aww, thanks so much.  I just want to think that since it's a text that maybe I didn't understand what she actually meant, but the rest of me thinks that I know exactly what she meant.  I don't know though, because realistically it may just mean she wants to wait a few weeks, or it could be months, or it could mean just forget about it.  I doubt she even knows. 

 

She was always telling me how much she loved me and my mind and my body, and now I think I'm cut off.  She also has very severe health problems (much worse than most of us), so it can be very hard to interpret how much of this is about her and her real feelings towards me and how much of this is truly what she is really capable of dealing with.

[[sw...]]

The information age of emails and text messages is wonderful but I think it's cowardly to text such a thing, sweet g. I think you need to speak to her. Is there a way you can do that to find out more about what's going on. You have the right to know more than a few words in a text message can give you.

 

sweet, I have to move this thread to off topic but we'll keep a watch for replies.

 

Btw, the forum was slow yesterday because it was a holiday in Canada.

 

I really want to talk to her, but she wouldn't take my call.  Because she is so truly ill, it is hard for me to know if she is being really lame or if she just came out of a seizure and is heading for another one (which is happpening daily it not several times daily, these days) so she truly can't talk and isn't putting me off at all.  She is also on a lot of heavy medication so it can be hard to know to what extent she is aware of how she is coming off. 

 

It would be a lot easier on me if I could at least just know for sure what she meant, but she isn't always fully lucid when she is communicating electronically which definitely can lead to some confusion, so I always have to take every text I get from her with a major grain of salt.

 

Two days from now is my benzo free anniversary, so I am going to see if I can't at least visit her for the occasion since she lives nearby.  Hopefully I'll get some clarification then. 

[[Ho...]]

The information age of emails and text messages is wonderful but I think it's cowardly to text such a thing, sweet g. I think you need to speak to her. Is there a way you can do that to find out more about what's going on. You have the right to know more than a few words in a text message can give you.

 

sweet, I have to move this thread to off topic but we'll keep a watch for replies.

 

Btw, the forum was slow yesterday because it was a holiday in Canada.

 

I really want to talk to her, but she wouldn't take my call.  Because she is so truly ill, it is hard for me to know if she is being really lame or if she just came out of a seizure and is heading for another one (which is happpening daily it not several times daily, these days) so she truly can't talk and isn't putting me off at all.  She is also on a lot of heavy medication so it can be hard to know to what extent she is aware of how she is coming off. 

 

It would be a lot easier on me if I could at least just know for sure what she meant, but she isn't always fully lucid when she is communicating electronically which definitely can lead to some confusion, so I always have to take every text I get from her with a major grain of salt.

 

Two days from now is my benzo free anniversary, so I am going to see if I can't at least visit her for the occasion since she lives nearby.  Hopefully I'll get some clarification then. 

 

Yes, I think seeing her in person will probably answer many of your questions.

 

It sounds like this sort of thing has happened before? I think taking this with a grain of salt until you can speak to her is a good way to go.

[[sw...]]

The information age of emails and text messages is wonderful but I think it's cowardly to text such a thing, sweet g. I think you need to speak to her. Is there a way you can do that to find out more about what's going on. You have the right to know more than a few words in a text message can give you.

 

sweet, I have to move this thread to off topic but we'll keep a watch for replies.

 

Btw, the forum was slow yesterday because it was a holiday in Canada.

 

I really want to talk to her, but she wouldn't take my call.  Because she is so truly ill, it is hard for me to know if she is being really lame or if she just came out of a seizure and is heading for another one (which is happpening daily it not several times daily, these days) so she truly can't talk and isn't putting me off at all.  She is also on a lot of heavy medication so it can be hard to know to what extent she is aware of how she is coming off. 

 

It would be a lot easier on me if I could at least just know for sure what she meant, but she isn't always fully lucid when she is communicating electronically which definitely can lead to some confusion, so I always have to take every text I get from her with a major grain of salt.

 

Two days from now is my benzo free anniversary, so I am going to see if I can't at least visit her for the occasion since she lives nearby.  Hopefully I'll get some clarification then. 

 

Yes, I think seeing her in person will probably answer many of your questions.

 

It sounds like this sort of thing has happened before? I think taking this with a grain of salt until you can speak to her is a good way to go.

 

Well, nothing along these lines at all has happened before.  I just mean that she lives in a huge amount of physical pain, is on heavy medication, and gets addled before and after her daily to several times a day seizures, so her texts don't always make a lot of sense or it sounds like she is talking about one thing when she means something else.  I also think that texts suck as a communication medium, anyway.

 

As self-aware and generally considerate as she is, sometimes she isn't able to think things all the way through as to how they might effect others, and other times she is so sick she has to put herself first no matter how it affects others.  Either way, she's very sick and relatively recently out of a seven year marriage, so I guess things are certainly complicated enough on her end.

 

Anyway, she wants to cool it for a while and seem to be implying its her health, though I'm naturally prone to believe that there are at least some other factors on her mind and also that a while is going to turn out to be quite a while.  I guess I can deal with it, it's just that she kind of had me under the impression that things were about to take off between the two of us a bit more so I was allowing myself to become a bit fond of her and was looking forward to things.  I think I'm ok, now, it was just a lousy thing to more or less wake up to and by text.  Thanks for the support.

[[Ch...]]

Sounds like you're processing this pretty clearly and well, sweet g.

Challis

[Guest [...]]

awwww Sweet G

 

you poor darling such a dreadful feeling I know its horrible for sure no greater pain is there than love lost.  However I just see her as someone who is very ill at the moment and probably is in a really bad place.  She may feel that she has nothing to offer you etc.  I would just respect that she needs some space.  You know the old saying if you love someone set them free etc etc.

 

Please take care of yourself we are here for you.

 

Lizzy

[[an...]]

Hi Sweet G. How are you doing now? What you said about going through most of your life without this kind of heartbreak resonated with me. I don't date very often and when I have been through break ups it was either my choice or mutual. A couple years ago I was broken up with by someone I really cared about (I still do and we're good friends), and I felt such intense pain I didn't know what to do with it. I went into therapy actually as I couldn't let it go.

 

Also as a person with CFS who has struggled a lot with it affecting relationships, I think her illness is definitely playing a big part in what's going on. She may not be ending things but just overwhelmed at the moment.

 

I hope you've had a chance to talk to her in person, and I hope you're feeling better about things.

[[zo...]]

In an old article from 1989 called "The Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management" the author quotes another research paper and makes the following unexpected statement!  I'm not saying he's correct but here it is.

 

Positive outcome in these studies was predicted by younger age, female sex, good housing and, interestingly, the absence of an intimate relationship.

 

This is the article that quotation is taken from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1711840/

 

[[Wi...]]

In an old article from 1989 called "The Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management" the author quotes another research paper and makes the following unexpected statement!  I'm not saying he's correct but here it is.

 

Positive outcome in these studies was predicted by younger age, female sex, good housing and, interestingly, the absence of an intimate relationship.

 

This is the article that quotation is taken from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1711840/

This just reaffirms my decision to have married my TV. 

 

Sweet G,

I just wanted to add to what was said above.  Very recently you helped to lift me up when I had fallen down.  Your words were encouraging and  insightful and so very needed.  You are a wonderfully special person. 

WWWI

 

 

[[Ch...]]

How are you this morning, sweet g?

Thinking of you...

Challis

[[sw...]]

I just wanted to say how really touched I am for the support and concern.  I'm completely ok, now, and will continue to be.  I'm surprised that I couldn't see it at the time how completely clouded by benzos my thinking was as up until yesterday morning I think I've been 100% aware at all times when benzos are affecting my thoughts and feelings.

 

I think two things hit me hard, one being somewhat reasonable and the other being totally irrational.  Having the date broken off and future dating put on indefinite hold by text is very poor dating etiquette to me.  In this particular case, it was especially compounded things for me because not only are texts a poor means of communication in general (missing tone of voice and facial expressions), but because of her health and her meds I can't always take everything she texts at face value so I couldn't just absorb the information and move on which was very frustrating and somewhat hurtful to me.

 

The part that didn't make so much sense on my end I feel embarrassed going into.  Basically, I was feeling broken up with and cast aside, other stuff too that I feel too dumb to write.  My brains were scrambled.  In all of my time in withdrawal, I have largely not had to deal with emotional pain that was so extreme that it literally just hurt, but that's where I was for 4 or so hours.

 

Anyway, I thank you for the support and helping me to think it through a little more by talking to me in this thread.  The reality of the situation is that in almost exactly 3 months she has gone from being married for 7 years to seperated (pending divorce) and homeless while life threateningly disabled in a new city.  This is a situation that she has handled with a dignity, grace, and resourcefulness that I think few others could have risen to.

 

To say the least, anyone's head would be spinning from the transition alone, and I know that this has extremely worsened her health condition.  Of course she would want some time off.  It's more than reasonable.  I want her to have all the space she needs.  She will always be my best friend, first, the dating is just bonus.

 

I guess where I went wrong (as I am normally extremely foresightful, just in general much less when it comes to protecting against disappointment) was that I bought into the idea that once she got her own place we could really start properly dating after she moved out (she was living with me for 7.5 weeks). 

 

I was largely putting our physical relationship on hold just to try and give her time to cope and to not rush into everything, and also I was a little worried about her feeling trapped if we started sleeping together while she was so dependent on me.  She seemed kind of frustrated but touched that I was holding back despite her coming on so much.  The whole time this was going on, though, there was this whole "well, in just a little longer we'll be dating for real so it's ok to wait for now" so I guess I over focused on a specific point in time where I figured that we would in fact be dating.  When she pushed properly dating back, I guess I was wondering if I had made a mistake in holding back (I'm sure I didn't, though).

 

So, in a nutshell, I'm sure we're still good.  She has been my friend for many years, and hopefully will continue to be for many more years to come.  I'd love to properly date her, as I think that she is the most like me of anyone I've ever met.  I hope that, following that sentence, I don't sound conceited where I say that I think that she is the most intelligent, talented, creative, and funny person I've ever meant.  I was always very different from the people around me and had more or less given up finding someone who I had a lot in common with and as we've become closer and closer in the last year I (well, neither of us) have not been able to believe my luck.

 

Anyway, I'm fine and thanks for caring and helping me to think it through, guys.

 

[[Ch...]]

sweet g,

 

She may just be at a point where she just can't move forward.  Separation and divorce, moving on and being sick to boot...all that is so very difficult.  I think you're right in that continuing to offer her support as best friends is the way to go now.

 

Texting is a bit of a cop-out, temptingly easy and avoids any discussion.

 

Challis

[[sw...]]

sweet g,

 

She may just be at a point where she just can't move forward.  Separation and divorce, moving on and being sick to boot...all that is so very difficult.  I think you're right in that continuing to offer her support as best friends is the way to go now.

 

Texting is a bit of a cop-out, temptingly easy and avoids any discussion.

 

Challis

 

yeah, that's why people do it. 

[[sw...]]

Hi Sweet G. How are you doing now? What you said about going through most of your life without this kind of heartbreak resonated with me. I don't date very often and when I have been through break ups it was either my choice or mutual. A couple years ago I was broken up with by someone I really cared about (I still do and we're good friends), and I felt such intense pain I didn't know what to do with it. I went into therapy actually as I couldn't let it go.

 

Also as a person with CFS who has struggled a lot with it affecting relationships, I think her illness is definitely playing a big part in what's going on. She may not be ending things but just overwhelmed at the moment.

 

I hope you've had a chance to talk to her in person, and I hope you're feeling better about things.

 

Yeah, that sounds a lot like me.  I've got to say that the sensation of heartbreak was a bit of a slap in the face and I'm glad it was just a temporary thing.  I guess I just believed the hype that we were going to be dating (at least in some limited sense of seeing each other, and definitely not in a committed relationship sense) soon and for some reason didn't see it coming that we weren't.  It wasn't very foresightful of me, or her, for that matter. 

 

Anyway, I'm not really heartbroken, but I was for a few hours.  It gave me some really food for thought that I've made other people feel that way, before.  Never cruelly or callously, but sometimes you don't always feel the same way about someone as they do about you.  I certainly have a new appreciation for the amount of trust someone gives when giving me their heart (and that does include her).

 

Mainly, I just really love her.  That's not in love love, though, just the regular kind.  She kept telling me how much she loved me, pretty much all the time, and that we were going to date after she moved out.  We made out a lot, but I always drew the line at sexual contact.  I guess everything seemed to just be coasting so smoothly towards dating around now that while I was initially very cautious in my expectations (mainly just in making sure that I didn't have any) that after a while I forgot that things might not go down the way we were discussing.

 

Anyway, thanks for sharing.

 

[[sw...]]

In an old article from 1989 called "The Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management" the author quotes another research paper and makes the following unexpected statement!  I'm not saying he's correct but here it is.

 

Positive outcome in these studies was predicted by younger age, female sex, good housing and, interestingly, the absence of an intimate relationship.

 

This is the article that quotation is taken from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1711840/

 

ha, I can see it being a pro or a con, depending.  Having her in my life for most of this entire trip (as a friend, then as a casual date, and later a grey area "best girl friend") has been a real plus.  That said, I did end a relationship with a guy I was dating not long after I started tapering.  He was a hell of a lot of dead weight, by that time, and tapering while single (or at least without him) was definitely a positive.

[[sw...]]

In an old article from 1989 called "The Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management" the author quotes another research paper and makes the following unexpected statement!  I'm not saying he's correct but here it is.

 

Positive outcome in these studies was predicted by younger age, female sex, good housing and, interestingly, the absence of an intimate relationship.

 

This is the article that quotation is taken from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1711840/

This just reaffirms my decision to have married my TV. 

 

Sweet G,

I just wanted to add to what was said above.  Very recently you helped to lift me up when I had fallen down.  Your words were encouraging and  insightful and so very needed.  You are a wonderfully special person. 

WWWI

 

ha!  (re: the tv)

 

That's very nice of you to say.  I can't really tell you how much hearing something like that means to me.  I mean, it really means something to me on the occasions that people tell me things like that.  I don't know why.  I've always liked to help, and in the midst of all of this misery it gives it a little meaning to help it suck a little less for someone else.  Thanks.