Anyone have a crappy bf or alone in wd?

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Sarah-You are my hero:) I will make that list, and thank you for all those nice things you said, what a good friend you are:)

I do my best to see this through love and light...but there are times when I look back on the past five years and how bad it has been that I start to wonder where this turn around actually comes in to play.  Thanks for being here for me, you are the best!!!!

Love,

Sarah  PS everyone needs to read the reply to libby, me running into my ex hahahaha too good

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Miss dippity - That pinkkisses.com is an empowering site!  I love it!  What a great idea.  Us chicks gotta stick together and lift each other up. 

 

I'm really proud of you for going on your date too!  You go girl.  It's the start of getting back out there again that's the hardest.  And props for going on a second date!  I always felt I immediately knew if we wouldn't work or there wasn't "magic" and now I wonder if I may have not given some guys enough of a chance.  Benzos mess up everything - hormones, thinking, ugh.  I think you're doing great. 

 

Loved your reply to Sarah.  I could SO relate to this...  "I have been where you are...like at a party and someone says 'what do you do?'...'well I haven't killed anyone today for asking me that question, so that's something.' LOL."  I'm totally using that the next time someone asks me!

 

You are so good at giving advice I think you need to start getting paid for it!  (Except don't charge us.)

 

Thumbs up on the Benzo Babes (and Boys) Behaving Badly!!

 

 

Sarah - You have not "turned out" any way just yet.  Cry, break some crap if you have to and then keep doing what you're doing.  Because you ARE picking of the pieces.  If choosing to go through withdrawal to get off these poisons isn't improving your life than I don't know what is.  You are doing great, hang in there!  It will get better.  Someone once told me if I kept looking behind me I wouldn't be able to see where I was going!  There are bigger plans than this for where you are headed, for what your future holds.  For all of us!

 

You are too funny, I too say things like "I look like a bag lady".  But your inner goddess must've been shining through the not showered you if he was still excited to see you and wanted a hug! 

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Sunny-Thanks love:)Sometimes I do want to break something!!!:)I feel the same way, when people ask sooo what do you do??I'm like I am just going to lie and say I have become a Dr. magically, now leave me alone:)I agree, no more looking back, yesterday is gone...so here we go!!!(Peter Pan voice:))Thank you, I needed to hear that:)  Maybe there is still some goddess in me shining through:) :smitten:

 

Lots of Love

Sarah

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Sunny-Thanks love:)Sometimes I do want to break something!!!:)I feel the same way, when people ask sooo what do you do??I'm like I am just going to lie and say I have become a Dr. magically, now leave me alone:)I agree, no more looking back, yesterday is gone...so here we go!!!(Peter Pan voice:))Thank you, I needed to hear that:)  Maybe there is still some goddess in me shining through:) :smitten:

 

Lots of Love

Sarah

 

Sarah,

 

Your welcome!  Of course you are a goddess! 

 

Lol, about magically becoming a doctor.  Maybe what's more accurate is through hard work we're becoming mental health professionals! 

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Sunny-agreed:)

[[Li...]]

SarahN dippity, loved what you said about the list of positive attributes. Because, yup, everyone is already good enough at keeping score of the crap things that we've done or said or have happened!

 

Today was a weird day. I've actually been doing pretty well since the breakup, especially the last two weeks or so (coming up on three weeks since the split). It kind of hit me today, due to some weird interactions with...people. I was put into a situation where I felt like I needed to respond to someone wanting to stay in my life (not the bf, but someone close to him) and while there is no part of me that wants to be mean, I need a clean split. I was very sick when I first met this person (tolerance w/d), and she still sees me as sick. She still sees me as needy and needing fixing and needing tons of support. Problem is, I'm not that girl anymore. And I need to not be around people who see me that way, and treat me that way. And I gave so much to that relationship and got so little back, and I'm just not willing to do that anymore. So while I wish her all the best- I don't want her in my day to day life. And that was a tough call. ANYWAY- I've just been very OFF today because of it. Crying a little, anxious, not concentrating, not productive. And realizing, holy crap, three weeks ago my life looked SO different! I wasn't fundraising for the adoption, I wasn't working out, I had a boyfriend, I wasn't seeing other friends. Now, all that is opposite. And it's okay for me to have down days like today to get a grip and grieve and process.

 

Also I am realizing the people I totally thought were supportive of all of this- aren't, really, when push comes to shove. And the people who ARE supportive are coming out of the woodwork. I keep being crushed by certain responses to things and I need to let it go- and focus on the rush of elation that comes instead when I get a notification that someone I NEVER in a million years would help me, is helping me. I feel like a different person than I was six months ago. Obviously I'm not- but I feel like I am shedding skin after skin after skin and I'm going to come out of all of this so polished and new.

 

Just had coffee with a friend who I met during the height of tolerance w/d. I was so sick, so undependable, always canceling school projects with him at the last minute. He told me today he can't believe it- every time he sees me, I look better, act better, have something new and huge and exciting going on. (BY THE WAY- he also just split with HIS boyfriend, a few days ago. So this is still on topic. LOL) I told him I am very much still withdrawing- but that I am so thankful I discovered what was making me sick and GOT OFF BENZOS. We both could have imagined it going the other way- still taking the meds, more and more meds piled on, more diagnoses, more illness. Anyway, it was the feedback I needed that while it feels like one step forward, two steps back, it's actually two forward and one back. I AM making progress. We all are! It's just sometimes so small we don't recognize it until someone who saw us at our worst lets us know- girl, you are healing.

 

Phew. Thanks, boys and girls (are there still any boys reading this thread??) for letting me vent. Lots and lots of love to all of you.

 

 

Libby

 

P.S. Laughed so hard about the ex, Sarah! That's totally something that would happen to me!!

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Libby- Sounds like an empowering day for you, and well deserved! Looks like you were put in a position where you could either remain that lost soul you were before, or move on, and I think you made the right choice:) I think we are given tests at certain points, some one up above pointing out that we have gotten better, we are moving on.  My mom even said to me last night after I told her about my ex, she said sometimes when we feel bad, we need reminders of who we truly are, or the stuff we like about ourselves, and she was right seeing my ex was a reminder of the strong girl I used to be, and the affect I still have over a lot of my exes hahaha:)  Proof that I'm not all broken, or all bad, just some:)  I think this was a chance to stand up for yourself Libby, and you did:)  Good for you:) You have come so far, and you should be so proud of what you have accomplished:)  Just out of curiosity what are some of your symptoms still? Pretty funny seeing my ex, he txted me immediately, haha think he still likes me:)

[[Li...]]

Ahh I love that he texted you right away!! You've still got it, girl. 

 

Also thanks for the feedback. Weird day and it helps to process it and get feedback!

 

Symptoms still are major fatigue and cog-fog (comes and goes, hits like a ton of bricks), insomnia off and on, tinnitus, low-grade fever that comes and goes, sore throat that comes and goes, mood swings that come and go, headaches, irritability, forgetfulness. Chronic pain has been bad (I have a spinal cord injury), worse than usual. Allergies worse than usual. Blurry vision that comes and goes. Appetite is sometimes great and sometimes non-existent. It's so typical of w/d- the coming and going. There are times I wonder if I have something else going on- Chronic Lyme? Chronic fatigue? Side effects from spinal injury? But given the nature of the beast...most of the time I am fairly confident this is "just" w/d. [i'm trying to get more into the habit of thinking of this as "benzo recovery" instead of benzo w/d.]

 

Gonna go for my walk up the canyon now. Hard to get myself off the computer and out the door but it needs to happen! 

 

Libby

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Thanks for sharing Libby, I was just curious:) Good for you walking up the Canyon that takes a lot of motivation even when not in wd!!!Well, I am pretty sure its wd for you:)  I always recommend this, but I am going to an acupuncturist and he has been running tests this whole process to make things a little easier.  I would look into it, can heal nerve damage, also balance thought and hormones...Last week I was having my period and felt really weak and anemic almost, I was taking my vitamin and eating, but just felt like sh**.  After my session, felt so much more balanced, which makes wd a lot easier.  May help you:)

[[Li...]]

Thanks for that nudge Sarah, I do have an acupuncturist but haven't seen him in a year and keep thinking I need to go back and see him! He accepts my insurance as full payment so I literally pay NOTHING to see him. I have nothing to lose!! I think I'll set up a weekly appointment. I've never been consistent with it- like all things, suddenly very excited to see what I can do if I am CONSISTENT in exercising, eating better, socializing, doing my physical therapy, and acupuncture. I'll keep you posted!!

 

Libby

 

P.S. It is night here- is it night where you are? Was going to say I hope you sleep well then suddenly wondered if it's morning for you LOL.

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That is SAWEEET!Totally do, I think you will be pleasantly surprised:) I go twice a week and it just levels me out.  I might have to go for a while until I am all the way better:)  It is night time here, it is 7:50 pm! How about you?

[[Li...]]

Little after 9 here. Since w/d began, I've been going to bed way early! That way if i don't sleep well, I have more of a chance of getting some kind of sleep. Totally hoping I'm not always going to be an "asleep by 9:30" kind of girl 

 

Night! Sleep well!

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You won't, it'll get better, my sleep has gotten much better than the first month of wd. Have some good sleep!!

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Libby,

 

Love, love, loved this:

 

I told him I am very much still withdrawing- but that I am so thankful I discovered what was making me sick and GOT OFF BENZOS. We both could have imagined it going the other way- still taking the meds, more and more meds piled on, more diagnoses, more illness. Anyway, it was the feedback I needed that while it feels like one step forward, two steps back, it's actually two forward and one back. I AM making progress. We all are! It's just sometimes so small we don't recognize it until someone who saw us at our worst lets us know- girl, you are healing.

 

That's great you were able to recognize a relationship with someone that wasn't working for you and for standing up for how you felt.  You are staying so positive overall, truly an inspiration! 

 

Sarah, so cool your ex texted you! 

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Sunny- yea made me feel good for a bit until I found out the guy I was seeing recently, the one who sucks, that he slept with someone last night, I am totally bummed.

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Well- I created this place to vent so here it goes......First off :'( :'( :'(, ok that is out of the way, now :idiot: :idiot: :idiot: , woe is me.  Is that how you spell it?  I don't care that is the word I need to use right now, and if I look dumb for spelling it wrong that haha on me:)  So the guy I was seeing on and off, well it finally came to a close last night.  I know in on and off relationships, you always think this is not over yet, we see each other after we end it all the time.  Well, this time its over, its a really sad sinking feeling that you know now there is no way you will ever be together.  I needed him to be mean for me to let go, otherwise I would have kept hanging on to his every last word of, "I love you, just in my own way," or "I am crazy about you, you are perfect, but I still want to be free."  We talked about living together, he made jokes about having kids with me HE made the jokes, not me, I never once brought that stuff up, he even talked about how maybe when he settled down that he would marry me.  All these things leaving me some kind of small hope that he would commit to me someday.  He would always say, "You have me."  He would say,"Why can't you just love me and let me love you, and just leave it the way it is...or "If you love me, you should accept me the way I am." 

 

 

Well, last night it was, "You are crazy, you are senile, you live in a fantasy world where you don't want to accept what I have already told you which is we will never be together."  "Don't ever let that hope come back that we will ever be together."  "I have told you a million times I want to sleep with other girls, yet you are still surprised by my behavior."  He was cruel, mean, harsh, and a different person that a few nights ago where he opened up and tells me he is crazy about me.  I must be an absolute retard for not getting it.  I have stuck around for almost two years now hoping one day he would want to be with just me. 

 

Two days ago, after the whole court thing, I really needed him to be there for me, I missed him and wanted to see him, so I called and I asked if I could come over, he was short with me seemed annoyed that I had called him, and said if you want.  I said forget it and hung up.  I called him later that night because I needed some reason to end it because I knew he wouldn't.  I asked why he wouldn't just end it, and he said he still wants to see me and talk to me, nothing more.  He was with his friends and said, "You are making my friends uncomfortable, I gotta go now."  Again, looking for what I needed to end it, I call him, almost in an attempt to push him to end it with me.  I was hoping I would annoy him so much he would just say something like leave me alone, or I don't want to talk...but he didn't.  Instead he told me the night I was supposed to come over, he invited someone else over and slept with her.  I thought he was joking at first, but then I realized he was serious.  With a combination of that, plus all the nasty things he said, I told him I did not ever want to see him again or talk to him.  He did not care, he just said thats fine with me.  :'( :'(

 

I did this to myself is the worst part, not once did he ever say he would stop sleeping with other girls, yet I had this stupid hope that he would.  I have this strange urge to have revenge sex with someone just to counteract what he did, yet I know that won't help either.  Of course I did not fall asleep until 4am last night, and have been in a lovely wave since......not really sure where to go from here......

 

Need support big time

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Sarah,

 

I am so sorry.    I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better right now.  It is so hard when we realize someone we love, even though we love them, isn't right for us.  Good for you for telling him you don't want to ever see him again.  Not an easy thing having to say goodbye.  But I can tell you from experience the best way to heal and move on is to stick with what you told him.  "Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts."  -Arnold Bennett  Sounds like this is a change for the better, you can expect it to still anyway.  I know it is hard to believe now and you may not want to hear it yet but you can and will meet someone who will love you better.  Who will not cheat on you, who will support you, who you will not have to convince or teach how to love you.  The only person's behaviour you can control is yours...so be strong, hang in there and find support from people who treat you well.  It is not stupid to hope, but there comes a time when things just fall into place and that hope is strengthened... or it changes into a hope for something different.  That is what I wish for you now.  Do you, be good to yourself and start to have hope for something different.  Mourn by all means and then dust yourself off, get your hair and nails did, put on some sexy heals and feel good about yourself.  Go out to lunch with the girls!  The best revenge you could ever have is to be happy and become a success.  I know you have it in you.  Hang in there!  It will get better, I promise. 

 

http://i0006.photobucket.com/albums/0006/findstuff22/Best%20Images/Quotes%20and%20Sayings/2caa7d6a.jpg

 

 

[[be...]]

I am dating the laptop, iPhone and TV.  The 2 cats and dog are staring at me, and I think they have put themselves on Craig's List to be adopted.  I haven't had to buy gas for 2 months and I am not sure the car is still in the garage. I am developing a gambling problem on the iPhone.

Gosh, isn't benzo withdrawal fun?  I wish I could find a lawyer who is going through benzo withdrawal, or better yet, a psychiatrist or pharmacist......

 

[move]love this thread :laugh:[/move]

 

XOXO

 

 

bahahaha love it

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Sunny :smitten: muah!

Thank you love...I'm going to need super strength to get over him, I was crazy about him...:(I will be on here a lot saying, uh oh, I want to call......Now the wd from my bf, fun fun.

[[be...]]

Dont give innnn

Usually the minute youre happy and moving on

they come crawling back

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Sunny :smitten: muah!

Thank you love...I'm going to need super strength to get over him, I was crazy about him...:(I will be on here a lot saying, uh oh, I want to call......Now the wd from my bf, fun fun.

 

It's already in you, just gotta dig for that strength.  Might surprise yourself.  And you let me know when you're feeling the need to pick up that phone.  I will hit you with a great big "DO NOT CALL HIM!"  In fact, go delete his #, his address, unfriend him from FB, everything!  It will help when the temptation hits.  And get yourself some ice cream girl!!! 

 

You can do this.  You don't need people in your life who make you feel worse.  You're going through enough already.  Keep fighting it, it will get better, just like everything else will. 

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I already want to call him haha. I won't, I actually want to feel what its like to go more than a month without talking to him, I think if I can get passed that mark, I will be ok... Its kind of like with the wd, the first month is hell, but never once was I tempted to take that poison again, so maybe I should view it that way.  His number is programmed in my head, but I will just focus on something else...its like its worse because of wd, because I can't get out and distract, I'm just stuck here thinking about him:(  I'm just trying to remember, he just screwed some other girl, that makes me not want to call.... Thank you Sunny:)

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Man, that sucks smuel. Be strong and don't go back to him. People can be addicting same as anything else. 

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benzohelp- you are right about that, just gives me more motivation to never give in:)

goto-thank you, I won't this time, I can feel it, the thought of him now makes me angry, not sad or missing him, just angry, he will not be hearing from me. You are right, he was very addicting.

 

 

Sunny- I just want to say I love you!  You are too sweet:)

[[Li...]]

I love this!!

 

People can be addicting same as anything else.

 

Sarah, I wrote a long post here yesterday but I don't see it??! Maybe my internet futzed out before it sent. Dang it. Head over to my blog, go back a couple pages, and read what people said to me after my breakup almost 3 weeks ago. It was sooo helpful for me. Something about don't burn it in your mind, letting go of the drama and people who create it, etc etc. I found so much comfort there and I hope you will too.

 

Lots of love,

 

Libby