Anyone have a crappy bf or alone in wd?

[[sm...]]

Thank you thank you Sarah. I just love you!  All of those things you said fill me up:)  I have lost sight of the positive talk because I have had to force myself to do it so much through all of this, not just with the wd, but with my life too.  Sometimes, I want to say f*** it.  And to be honest, I am.  I like what you said about letting life happen to you, I think I will.  Did I tell you I quit my job at the bank because I got a serving position where I thought I would make good money, and they fired me after two serving shifts?  I went through all the training hell, passed all my tests, and then bam fired me.  You can just imagine what my mother said to me. 

 

I am just shocked at this far out to be experiencing this.  I know it takes people a long time, but I feel crazy.  I am going to do some yoga this week, see if it helps, and if I can afford it get some acupuncture.  Is it weird that I am craving all of my old addictions, I havent smoked it years I mean like 6 or something, and I am smoking again!  I also havent drank in years and I am like craving alcohol.  I can barely have any cuz I feel so bad, but I never used to want to drink.  Anyways, I can not tell you how many of our talks have pulled me out of the depths of hell, I will never forget how you were there for me when my daughter came to visit and my mom and sister were such assholes.  Your talks helped me through so thank you, and thank you again for being here for me now:)  How is your healing going?  How is life? 

 

Well I am off to plan my week, I need to get a job this week, no joke.

 

P.S. I already had a mini cocktail tonight w a friend:) vanilla vodka and dr. pepper heehee, probably not enough to get a 90 pound person drunk, but sure did me in haha.

 

 

 

 

Carol-

Thank you for your input, I had hoped my sickest days were behind me, but apparently not.  I heard in my head the other day, you are still very sick Sarah.  Every once in a while I get these random words of wisdom that turn out to be true, like I knew I was getting fired before I got fired.  Anyways, I hope to feel something again, I hope the anger goes away, I hope this foggy brain gets clear!

 

 

 

[[sa...]]

Hey Sara,

 

Girl, Dr. Pepper and Vanilla vodka? oh yes, please. lol. Thanks for the kind words, and I just think this forum is awesome. We help each other. Try not to beat yourself up about the jobs. I had like 3 things run amok this past year as well. I don't want to just blame everything on benzo wd, and we do have a certain element of real life responsibility, but girl be easy on yourself. Our minds are a mess! The fact that you can even go look for a job is amazing. That you don't just lose it at home, that you were able to get out on your own.

 

Even though its hard living with your parents, its a place to be. Take the high road. Appreciate that you have 4 walls, ignore the negative from your Mom as much as you can. Look for a job in a fashion that works for you. Sometimes its a good day to do it, sometimes it is not. Even a little job right now might be for the best. There is no perfect life situation. I read this thing today that said....lets see. I think I saved it.

 

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how we think it is suppose to be.

 

How true is that? Take what we have and find a way to make it work. Find the good in it. I have had this awesome book on my nightstand forever, I like to just open and get inspired, but it is entitled "The Art of Happiness". It is written by a psychologist in collaboration with the Dahlia  lama. Its so uplifting and peaceful. I find it hard sometimes to remember that everything is in divine order, you know.

 

Its hard to think that way when you are working on survival. I have to say, that for everything hard that has happened and passed, I see what the reasoning for it was and it led to something that has helped me. There are crappy things that happened as well, that I have no idea, but it is what it is.

 

There is a movie on Netflix that is worth a watch entitled "Jeff lives at home" lol, you will love it actually. Its about a guy who lives at home, no job, no car but he sees signs in everything. Those that seem to have it all together really don't but Jeff has a higher purpose and it all culminates in the end. Darling movie, easy watch and stars that guy who wrote "leaving Sarah Marshal"

 

I can't drink any hard liquor either. I haven't had  hard drink since new years last year. I will have a white wine or a light or wheat beer, or that clamato beer, so good and nutritious I think. lol. Smoking? If you can stop, do, if its too crazy hard right now, eh, the benzo withdrawal is taking all that you have. Give it some time, or if you can stop. Keeping smoking is expensive and bad for your health, besides you are too cute to smoke!  but don't beat yourself up about it if its just too much right now. Really be easy on you. Watch your self talk.

 

Really fun to see you here! Hang in there, and good luck on the job front this week, keep your eyes open for the opportunities you are are suppose to have.

 

Warm hug, friend.

xoxo

Dipity

[[sm...]]

Dipity-

I was just thinking about that movie!!!!!!! I loooooooove that movie! I watched it right before I got the job at the bank and I was like its me!  I see signs in everything haha, really I do.  I just love that movie:)

 

I just started smoking like a week ago, I mean I used to be a smoker, but haven't in years.  All of a sudden I want them though, so weird! But I will stop, I am beyond stressed right now I think that is why.  You should see my nails, they are so bad, I bit them down to the nub:) 

 

I forget lately all of my positive things, like everything is in divine perfect order right now................when its this bad though, I start to wonder, like how is this all happening the way its supposed to, like quitting my job thinking I had a better opportunity just to get fired... I mean lesson learned for sure, but seriously like wtf??? I just got that job and thought it was good, but apparently not.  Anyways, I am off to look for another job, and I hope the next one sticks this time, and I hope I find one soon, cuz not working is not ok anymore for me, just like living at home is not ok for me either, I gots to move on for good this time!!!!

 

 

Love to you missy!!!

Sarah

[[sa...]]

http://i1248.photobucket.com/albums/hh486/sarahndipity123/487208_320456461377378_262672055_n.jpg

 

I love that you watched that movie. I think it is going up as one of my favorites. Another one of my faves is "in pursuit of happyness".

 

Hows the week going so far...perfectly as it should be, I am sure. You start on the candy cigs yet? Remember those? I think they would be wildly funny to just pull out a pack of those gum cigarettes, and just blow through it so the puff of candy powder comes out the end and looks like smoke...as you drink your drink! OMG< I would lmao at that! lololol

 

Anyway, hope you are doing ok. I am good, tired today. had a busy and noisy day at work. Ilove my work so that is cool. I have had 3 really good days, with complete full nights of rest. So grateful. I wonder if the whole not sleeping thing is the catalyst ofr a lot of symptoms?? nahh,I sleep pretty good and have most of my taper and I still had symptoms....

 

Thinking out loud and going into my room where I will proceed to talk to myself. LOL...

 

Hope you are good...

 

Carol, if you are still popping in, I went to the bartender (mr photobucket ) to get you a drink and I got sidetracked...I do that often...and that is where being an isolator comes in handy, only person know I can't find it is me...and my condeming roommate...lol.

 

Love you guys, happy end of hump day!

xoxo

Dipity

[[Li...]]

Oh girls. I have missed you. 

 

Rough day. Will be back when I have something productive to say.

 

Lots and lots of love-

 

Libs

[[sm...]]

Ok Sarah, I am back, sorry I disappeared for a little while.  Things just got worse and worse, I mean wd wise.  I almost felt like I was going through a wd from my ex boyfriend at the same time though, and I almost freaked out, like full on panic attack could not breathe, just awful.  I went to acupuncture to try and calm my nerves and it didn't help.  My brain hurt from all the racing thoughts, I couldn't sleep, and I thought, welp, this is it I am going crazy now for sure.

 

I felt it lift for the first time today, but was exhausted.  I slept for 12 hours and felt like I needed more.  Maybe some healing was taking place over the past month, but either way, it sucks.  I have been on about 5 interviews, and still nothing.  I have only been looking for two weeks, but not making money at this point is not good.  I really need to get out on my own again and get my own place.  I have been shoving my face with everything in sight, I think I gained about four pounds this week alone, seriously I weighed myself.  I have been working out, and today I did yoga for the first time in a while, I felt like I just couldn't sit with how I felt, or sit still period.  But I forced myself today, and I feel better, but still very antsy.  I am dealing with a lot right now, but I am feeling very impatient about it, and wished a time would come where there was peace in my life.

 

A feeling I haven't felt in maybe ever?  You know a sense of everything is ok, and I am ok, and I feel good, and life is good, and I have good people in my life.....Well, I am supposed to hear back about a job by tomorrow, so we shall see, I will keep you updated.  For now I think I will find a good movie to watch, how is life for you?  How are you feeling these days??

[[ka...]]

hi everyone iam marryed but my husban did'nt or still dose'nt understand what i am going through i have a better relationship with my plants.....kate7

[[Ho...]]

hi everyone iam marryed but my husban did'nt or still dose'nt understand what i am going through i have a better relationship with my plants.....kate7

 

[[Ma...]]

Yep, I'm in. No boyfriend, on my own, had to stop working. Friends think I should pull up my socks and do volonteer work. The judgment is astonishing.

m

[[Ca...]]

Marina

Not only friends, add family to that list of judgmental people.

You are safe here.

Carol

[[Ma...]]

Carol, thank you so much. Yep, I can add family to that list too. "you really need to do something about your anxiety" my cousin said. Right, of course,  why didn't I think of that?

m

[[Ca...]]

Marina

 

I don't live near my family so in one way that is good. I have been able to just say on the telephone "I am getting better slowly".

It hurts that my mother is more concerned for my husband's well-being during my recovery than mine.

As if, we wouldnt love to do something about our anxiety.

 

Well, at least we all understand each other here.

Love Carol

[[Me...]]

I am COMPLETELY alone. Lost all my friends, only have my mom who is also unwell, sister doesn't care, I guess you know who your friends are in withdrawal. You have a different outlook on life, and see those for who they really are- SELFISH BEASTS.

 

I never knew there was so much empathy in the human race, until about over a year ago.

[[th...]]

My bf gives me agitattion and anxiety just cuz he feels like it. I sometimes beg him to stop acting like a child (cuz that all it is. Stupid "cutsey" immature behavior) but he doesnt let up.  He just doesnt understand

[[sm...]]

Sarah- where are you??miss you!

[[sa...]]

OMG, girl, I have been moving all over the place. We were uprooted too. Yikes that was  a hard couple months.

 

You can catch up with me on my page....how are you? Whats the news on custody? Job? living sitch?

 

Are we overdue for a cyber HH or what? I so miss that.

 

Did you see Kelly C was nominated with your song for Grammy's?

 

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

 

Still love that song, I had to put it on my phone since the radio stations have abandoned it in leui of playing the song of the day over and over and over. Till I realize my sweet son is pelting out the lyrics to some inappropriate pop song! WTH? lol.

 

Listening to this song reminds me when Sunny, you, me, lizzy, M, who had that pic with the cute red toes, and sandals?, and skyy used to have so much fun, ONLINE...I always felt connected like I had actually spent time with in person friends.....Im going to read back a couple pages and see...so fun!

 

Hope this post finds you good. I feel great. I don't want to jynx it, but I do have a lot ahead of me...Benzos tried to take it all, but what really mattered was inside and it dulled it for awhile but it didn't take it altogether.....I am stronger.

 

Even my son is like "you don't want to mess with my Mom, and for sure don't try to BS her, she knows everything." Its so funny because a lot of what I "know"...slash discover, is just him giving himself away, or sheer luck that I stumble upon it. He will be afraid of girls for sure, since whenever he looks at me with those eyes that say "how the hell did you know that?" I just reply with "don't mess with girls, we know everything!" lol.

 

I have been trying to get to Target forever, and I have to go to Kohls too. I hate kohls, but OS wants a red tie, has wanted one for awhile now. Not sure why but figured it would be a great valentine gift along with his huge candy kiss that he gets every year and reminded me of same when I tried to make a big guess the secret out of it. He will be surprised with the tie, that is if i can find one, that is if I get off my bum and go!

 

I'll check for whats new with you, hopefully some good stuff.

 

Cheers! (too skidish to drink in real life...but I should be getting over that soon, right?)

Dipity