Anyone have a crappy bf or alone in wd?

[[pa...]]

Hi Sam.. been thinking about you, knowing your new job is coming up.  Let us know how things are going. My thoughts and prayers have been with you.  Hugs to you Patty

[[sm...]]

Ok ok, so I have not been on here since I got my job, must say things are going well.  I thought I would come back here and let you guys know the updates in my life:)  I have been Brady free for about 3.5 months, its not going to great and I still miss him and cry, but its over and thats what counts.  Job is going great, I have found it to be a blessing in this whole mess, along with getting out of my parents house.  I recently applied for a better job that pays me what I deserve, so fingers crossed on that one.  Today the best news, I have a court date to get Amelie back in one week:)  Life is starting to turn around, and yes I still have a ways to go in my healing, but I have found the strength to deal with it in my everyday life now.  Of course this does not mean I want to feel this way forever, but the healing will happen when its supposed to right? 

 

Another big feat for me was driving 450 miles to pick up little one for her last visit.  She was so happy that I came to get her, and not grama this time:)  I must say things are improving, and I still have my setbacks, but I know one day this will all be behind me:)  I hope this finds everyone well and improving:)

[[Ca...]]

Yeah Sarah:)

 

I am so happy that it is all starting to work out for you.

Thank you for checking in.

I dont know if you have been reading here at all but some of your friends are still here.

Love

Carol

[Guest [...]]

Hey Sarah

 

im so thrilled for you and your return to life you must be that happy at moving on with things and so excited about getting the princess back into your life again.

 

I cant believe how much difference a few months makes to peoples lives around here.  Im sad that you still miss Brody but relationships are a lot like that arent they it takes awhile to get over them especially when you are young.  Wait till you are older you wont give a $hit lol.

 

anyway good news for you my dear young friend.

 

Im doing super dooper well recovering away like crazy.  I got a pm from mini the other day she is doing well in regards to withdrawal even so sick i still remember the fun we had way back then.  anyway let me know when you get the baby back ill be celebrating right there with you .....

 

 

all the best for continued success

 

Love Lizzyxxx

[[Ca...]]

Yeah Sarah:)

 

I am so happy that it is all starting to work out for you.

Thank you for checking in.

I dont know if you have been reading here at all but some of your friends are still here.

Love

Carol

[[sa...]]

OMG, SARAHFACE!!!!

 

I think about you all the time and wondered how you were doing! Every time I hear your song, but I think it was a different song that was yours, but "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" comes on the radio and you pop into my mind.lol.

 

This is my favorite thread on the forum and we haven't had a happy hour in forever!

 

So glad to hear that you are doing good at your job and with your roommate! You were so nervous and you are doing it! yippeee!!!

 

I read back to when we used to have our happy hours, the best distraction! I miss it, I say we light up the happy hour torch again soon, what say?

 

...and you drove to get princess sarahface? kudos for you, mamasita!

 

Hope court goes good. You know me, it's going to go how its going to go. All is in divine order!

 

Delighted to see you pop on with an update! Such good news.

 

Hugs!

Sarah

[[sm...]]

Hey Sarah

 

im so thrilled for you and your return to life you must be that happy at moving on with things and so excited about getting the princess back into your life again.

 

I cant believe how much difference a few months makes to peoples lives around here.  Im sad that you still miss Brody but relationships are a lot like that arent they it takes awhile to get over them especially when you are young.  Wait till you are older you wont give a $hit lol.

 

anyway good news for you my dear young friend.

 

Im doing super dooper well recovering away like crazy.  I got a pm from mini the other day she is doing well in regards to withdrawal even so sick i still remember the fun we had way back then.  anyway let me know when you get the baby back ill be celebrating right there with you .....

 

 

all the best for continued success

 

Love Lizzyxxx

 

Lizzy-

How are you?  I am sorry I did not get back earlier, I will tell you in a pm what happened yesterday, quiet scary.  I am glad to hear you are recovering....how is that going along for you?  I know right, even as sick as we all were, we had a blast, and thank goodness, we needed it:) I hope I won't care about that a hole soon, but its another lesson.  Court date is next week and I will be needing all the positive thinking and prayers I can get!

 

Hope life is treating you well friend:)

 

Sarah

[[sm...]]

Dipity!

So good to hear back from you:) I still think about all of yous guys:)  That song actually reminds me of you every time I hear it ha!

 

I am totally down to get down for happy hour soon!!!

 

I know I was super proud of myself for driving all that way to get her:) How are you feeling lately? I hope this finds you well:)

 

Sface!

[[MI...]]

If they don't have that addicted personality, they just don't get it.. Suffer we must

[[sa...]]

 

What girlfriends say!

 

LOL :laugh:

[[pa...]]

Hi Sam.... Just came back to see how things are with your job and you!  Glad to hear all is going well.  Any update about your daughter.  Sure hope things go really well.  Hugs. Pattylu

[[sm...]]

Patty-

I think you are referring to me?? My name is Sarah though, not Sam:) I know a lot of people think that from my user name:)

 

I actually just left my job for another job:)  The bank did not work out, I ended up getting robbed and the management was awful, they do not know what they are doing there, and were not good people.  I have a better job now where I will get more hours and make more money:)  Things are still falling in to place piece by piece, but it is getting there somehow.  Unfortunately I will not be able to fight to get her back until April, I won't go there right now because it is painful, but she does come to visit me for two weeks this Saturday:)  I am still suffering with brain fog and DP, pretty badly, but somehow I manage:) I think its affecting my sex life even?  I remember people saying something about sex problems coming off benzos and I just never really noticed it until now, anyways haha just thought I would throw that in there because it is new!  How are you healing??

 

Sarah

[[Ca...]]

i'm just going to butt in and say hello Sarah.

I have often wondered how you have been doing.

Thanks for checking in.

Sex life?  Sounds like you are dating?

Love Carol

[Guest [...]]

hey sarah baby

 

wow friggin hell how time is flying by omg remember those early days way back when with mini and challis and all the girls time is marching on and on.  Oh how I hope that you can get that little princess back into your arms again.  Sorry that things are still tough right there and I hope you enjoy your new job and that you stay safe o m g on the robbery how horrible for you.

 

I so wish we could catch up it sucks I never see you anymore nor many of the others but im not here to much myself.  I started back at work to.  I still have dp but its getting better. Most of my symptoms the last few weeks have gone and healing is really rapid right now.  I think of you often and remember all our good times even though at the time i thought i was gunna die.  Much love to you precious and dear me I wont comment on your sex life Im sure you will work it out haha.

 

Love you lots

 

Lizzyxxxx

[[pa...]]

Patty-

I think you are referring to me?? My name is Sarah though, not Sam:) I know a lot of people think that from my user name:)

 

I actually just left my job for another job:)  The bank did not work out, I ended up getting robbed and the management was awful, they do not know what they are doing there, and were not good people.  I have a better job now where I will get more hours and make more money:)  Things are still falling in to place piece by piece, but it is getting there somehow.  Unfortunately I will not be able to fight to get her back until April, I won't go there right now because it is painful, but she does come to visit me for two weeks this Saturday:)  I am still suffering with brain fog and DP, pretty badly, but somehow I manage:) I think its affecting my sex life even?  I remember people saying something about sex problems coming off benzos and I just never really noticed it until now, anyways haha just thought I would throw that in there because it is new!  How are you healing??

 

Sarah

 

Hi Sarah... Sorry I said "sam".. just didn't remember.  You got ROBBED at the bank?? Dear God girl, you a strong..  Sorry the people at the bank don't get it, it how to run it.. that you saw first hand apparently.  How the heck did you handle getting robbed??  WHEW!  Your little girl will be back with you Sarah... it will come about.  I'm glad you found a new position and out of the bank.  Sex life... well that's a norm on this journey... he he he.. but it will come back.. ;)   Me. I healed 26 years ago... My hubby is 21 months free of benzos, after 10.5 months of and taper...  His big change in healing, finally began at 18 months and now is moving forward.  So, first hand... the hormones in a positive manner do start returning... on and off.. but they do come back! ;D

 

Hang in there dear sweet Sarah... We communicated months ago..  You have leaped so forward from living with your parents, moving forward, working... you dear sweet girl will be back with you..  Hugs to you.  Pattylu

[[sm...]]

I just love you guys! :-* :-* :-*

 

Patty-

Gosh I have come such a long way, we all have! Crazy times isn't it? And we all got to witness each others battle and see it improve, thats the best part:) Yes, I got robbed, can you believe it? After everything I have been through to go through that, but you know the crazy part, the strength that I gained from going through klono hell, is the robbery just didn't scare me that bad.  Trust me it was traumatic, but I coped much better and recovered quickly because I have learned how to manage stress better and my anxiety.  At the end of the day it was over in a matter of seconds, and I refused to let it run my life afterwards.  I did not sleep for weeks, and my symptoms did flare up for about a week, but I worked out, and tried to get back to normal as quickly as possible to get on with things.  Those people at the bank were lucky to have someone like me, and they couldn't even see it, and I don't need that in my life anymore, I have been made to feel unworthy and bad about myself by enough people, I don't need it at work too.

 

Sex life, yes problems in that area, so upsetting because that is the good stuff you know! I hope it comes back:)  Was your husband on klonopin or something else?  I still have such bad DP and brain fog, makes me so sad to see symptoms this far out you know?

 

I pray all the time for my little girl to come home, I hope someday to bring that news to you all that she is with me again:) To think klonopin is the reason she is gone, fills me with rage.

 

I am excited about my new job, and new opportunities and making good money now!  Thanks for checking in on me!

 

[[sm...]]

My dearest Lizzy:)

How I miss you love!  Gosh can you believe we both thought we were going to die, and now look at us:) Working and being normal:)  I am glad to hear you are working and healing quickly.  How is the personal life? I commented on the orbbery to pattylu so you can read it there, what a friggin nightmare.

 

I think of you often too, I am always here if you still need a friend:)  Yes, I am seeing someone, and it is going well:)  DP is a bitch, I friggin hate it, wish it would lift but it just won't!  Talk to me:)

 

Sarah

[[sm...]]

Hi Carol:)

Thanks for saying hello:) How are you!  Yes I have a boyfriend now, such a nice feeling to have someone who likes me:)  I am doing well, still symptomatic, but living life pretty normally now:) Hope you are well:)

[Guest [...]]

hey baby

 

yeah dp sucks arse right ive had it on and off for way to many years but that doesnt bother me any where near as much as that c/t of all those benzos. LOL  yeah omfg yes we thought we were gunna die for real and i bloody well wish i would have but nothing can kill us right haha.  oh wow im glad you are seeing someone I hope you are enjoying yourself as much as you can anyways with dp.  Im just loving life right about now it could be bloody better if ONLY however for now im alone but I hope that one day that will change.  We had so much fun way back when right and we were sooooo sick and remember at first i never really liked you to much Im not sure even why LOL how funny now right and you were like you dont like me we were so high school right however we were sooooo sick and it doesnt matter you will always have a place in my heart.  lets stay in touch im the slackest arse writer these days.  honestly  I need to get cracking i just dont have that much time anymore..

 

chat soon ok keep going well and take care xxxxx

[[sm...]]

Well ladies I am back.....I am feelings very angry, and to be honest I can not tell how much of it is me, and how much of it is healing, because I have never felt this kind of rage before. Is it possible I feel rage for what I have been through?  Or is this a physical symptom?  Either way, my daughter came home to visit these past two weeks, and I felt nothing, no connection to her, no love, no sadness, just numb, and angry.  I found myself being short with her a few times, and when she left, I did cry, but it was empty, no real feeling, just numb.  So those are my two emotions now, anger, and numb.  I met another guy, who turned out to be awful as well, I must have a sign on my back that says cheat on me, and treat me like dirt. 

 

It didn't last very long which is a good thing, but it still hurt.  I had to move back in w my parents because I was not making enough money at my job, so I am trying to save money to get my own place, and life seems messy all over again, and I am wondering, will I ever get my shit together?  I can't stick with anything, I either give up, run, or screw it up somehow, and I mean every area of my life. Relationships, jobs, my daughter, I am starting to wonder what is going on??? I have been to therapy, I have tried working through my problems and it seems to just get worse, so I am done fighting it.  I am who I am, and maybe that is just screwed up, and maybe that is how its always going to be.

 

I was hoping at this point I would have my life back or turned around somewhat, and its getting worse.....so wish I had good news.

[[sa...]]

Hey Other Sara,

 

Nice to see you! Let me make you a cyber drink...and we can go over this.

 

Girlfriend, me too. The benzo rage is a real thing. I read about it all over the forum. I have to apologize so often to my darling offspring and fight the guilt after. I don't feel any feelings either, not happy ones thats for certain. It is scary. I don't even know how to put it in a positive light, only to tell you that I am in the same boat...wish is was a cruise ship and we were on vacation..that would be a nice boat! lol.

 

It is exhausting trying to keep our emotions in check on top of trying to get life figured out. I wish we had reliable significant others to help. But we don't but this forum can be of immeasurable help with the support part, you know?

 

I feel confident that this blunted emotions are part of our withdrawal, therefore it will go away eventually. In the meantime, try not to beat yourself up (I will try to do the same).

 

Like I said before, perhaps your daughter being with her Dad is for the best during this super hard time. My son is older and it is hard for him, but he can do alot himself, and he understands what is happening when I explain it to him. I don't know, maybe a younger child might not notice what is going on as much. Who knows.

 

What I do know is that we are were we are and we can only do the best we can do. Now is not the time to evaluate who we are and what position our lives are in. (I say this knowing that i fall victim to this way of thinking as well) This is not us, not the real us. I know the real "us" is not perfect either, perhaps this is a time to learn to understand what perfection is not a reality, and to find a way to be content with things they way they are, embracing faith that the symptoms that impede us moving along in our lives, will lighten up bit by bit.

 

Hang in there, Ms. Sara. This is just going to take longer then we thought.

 

Hugs, girl!

Dipity~

 

 

 

[[sm...]]

Hey there Sarah girl:) Its always good to hear from you babe:)

I didn't think this far out I would be dealing with this so badly, but dammit to hell am I soooo angry!Maybe you are right...maybe Amelie not being here is for the best, I feel like a ticking time bomb ready to self destruct at all times.

 

I find myself wanting to hang out with the wrong people, get into bad things, like a kid in high school who wants to rebel against their mom.  I don't know why, but I just want to do things that I know aren't good for me.  Maybe I never got it out of my system because I had a baby so young and got married so young, or maybe I am just a mess and dealing with my pain the wrong way.  Either way, life is a mess, I am a mess, and its the first time that I have allowed myself to say that out loud and accept that about myself.  I have tried so hard to be perfect and be something I am not, or pretend my life is ok when it is not.  My mom told me I need therapy to work on my anger issues and outburst, and I wanted to tell her to go f herself, she has some nerve.

 

This is exhausting that is for sure, try to keep my emotions in check, hard to do right now.  The numb feeling, pretty bizarre.  Oh Sarah I feel like I am losing my mind. How to keep pressing on this far out?  Feel like giving up totally:(

[[sa...]]

Hey there Sarah girl:) Its always good to hear from you babe:)

I didn't think this far out I would be dealing with this so badly, I think most people are surprised how long the recovery takes. Had I not had this forum to read how long it was taking everyone, I would have been very surprised. You are coming up on a year. I hear a lot of healing occurs around this time, and time is the key.but dammit to hell am I soooo angry!being angry is understandable. This is so frustrating and not fair. Maybe you are right...maybe Amelie not being here is for the best,it won't be forever I feel like a ticking time bomb ready to self destruct at all times.I feel like that as well. Yoga helps, doesn't make me calm as a cucumber but it certainly does quiet the demons. So does some walking and positive self talk. Even if you don't feel like it initially

 

I find myself wanting to hang out with the wrong people, get into bad things, like a kid in high school who wants to rebel against their mom.  I don't know why, but I just want to do things that I know aren't good for me.  Maybe I never got it out of my system because I had a baby so young and got married so young, or maybe I am just a mess and dealing with my pain the wrong way. and it is very likely that you are just in withdrawal and it is difficult to determine why you do anything. I think it is vital to not try to define who you are during this bizare time where your thinking is wildly compromised because of wd Either way, life is a mess, I am a mess, and its the first time that I have allowed myself to say that out loud and accept that about myself. Please don't embrace this about you personally. The situation is a mess for certain, but you dear girl, are not. You are amazing. You don't have to feel amazing for this to be true. I have tried so hard to be perfect and be something I am not, or pretend my life is ok when it is not.  My mom told me I need therapy to work on my anger issues and outburst, and I wanted to tell her to go f herself, she has some nerve.Just because she said it doesn't make it so. I don't think anyone not going through this could possible understand, I live it and I am still shocked at how far reaching this is into our lives. A counselor might not be a bad idea, but I have to say after numerous counselors throughout my life, this forum has been the most informational and supportive of all.

 

This is exhausting that is for sure, try to keep my emotions in check, hard to do right now.  The numb feeling, pretty bizarre.  Oh Sarah I feel like I am losing my mind. How to keep pressing on this far out?  Feel like giving up totally:(I know you are road weary, dear Sara. Many Bb's are. Perhaps you can find a quiet place to spend some time. Let life kind of happen to you.  I know that seem irresponsible but it might be what you can do right now. One step at a time. Life is a little bit hard outside of wd. You have a lot going on. Its hard to get going in this economy, being young, and for certain still enduring a grueling withdrawal process. I am sorry your Mom is not supportive. I so get that, my mother actually doesn't speak to me. Blessing and a curse really.  Some things just are, this just must be gone through. Our minds thinking is skewed right now. We are not the only dealing wtih anger. Its in the ashton manual, so is emotional blunting. Try to be easy on yourself and give yourself a break. This is hard stuff, sabotaging yourself will make it harder. Try some positive self talk, I do it every day. Some days I agree with it, some days I dont but like putting in the "good gas" it will make your car run better, you know?  Hang in there, Sara. You can do this. You have done it before. Find a comfortable place to get through this. Read something positive, get a yoga stretch going on. Write down 3 things you like about yourself. You know this is my one of my favorite threads on here , right? This thread and all of our parties saved me when I was shell shocked about what had happened. I say we start a party.... What say?

[[sa...]]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVV_BQV_kc0

 

ladies night ~ a little action on Sunday night for distraction....

 

cocktail?

 

http://i1248.photobucket.com/albums/hh486/sarahndipity123/images-2.jpg

 

...if you hear any noise it aint the boys, its ladies night....

[[Ca...]]

Hey Have I arrived too late for the party?

 

I would like to let you two Sarahs know that I felt absolutely no love no joy and,I during my sickest months, I felt absolutely nothing.

 

It has taken as year but I can assure you that feeling returns.

Okay, not all of it is good feelings but at least I feel now. I feel love again, I feel curious again, I feel sadness again, and sometimes I feel happiness again.

 

Don't despair, it comes back!

Carol

 

Sarah N

You are a very caring person and wise beyond your years.