Anyone have a crappy bf or alone in wd?

[[Mi...]]

Glad you are having a better day MIss Sarah!  That makes me happy.

 

MiniMInnie

[[br...]]

my apologies for the pity-party that follows.  i'm extremely irritated and need to vent.  also, sorry to post here out of the blue.

 

this past saturday i drove upstate for a bbq at my bf's family's house.  a nice backyard in the catskills + good food.  sounded like a good idea until we got there.  i had only met his family once before, and they were pretty nice.  i didn't anticipate having such a difficult time navigating this particular weekend.. 

 

firstly, i don't drink.  i'm 9 months sober, and getting down to the lower range of valium means alcohol is definitely off limits.  before i know it, i'm being asked to cut up limes for everyone's beer.  ok, no problem.  then, my boyfriend's dad walks over and hands me a beer.  "try this without the lime first, it tastes so different."  i had only met him once before, a few months ago.  i panicked, didn't want to do, didn't want to be rude, didn't want to tell him i'm sober, so out of a desire to appear normal i took a small guilty sip and said how good it was. luckily, he went outside after.  i asked my bf (who is well aware of everything i'm struggling with) to drink the rest of the beer for me.  he's not an alcoholic, but doesn't really drink.  he wouldn't do it.  annoyed, i stealthfully dumped it down the drain while his dad was still outside and resumed chopping limes. 

 

i was shocked at how dizzy i felt after just a small sip.  i didn't want any more beers offered to me, so i grabbed a coke zero out of the cooler and had that instead.  caffeine, fantastic.  finished it as slowly as i could, then got an orange soda loaded with sugar.  great, now i feel like a million bucks.

 

it's what happened next that really has me heated.  we were playing poker with my bf's uncles, and one of the uncle's does a card trick for me.  it was cool, whatever.  i went upstairs to use the bathroom, and i heard my boyfriend telling his uncle that he knew how the trick was done, but i hadn't figured it out because      "...i'm not the brightest bulb."        sorry, what?!?  this comment sent me into a white rage because he didn't think i would hear it which means he meant it.  i am very sensitive about my cognitive impairments which are very real, and my short-term memory which is shot to hell right now.

 

yes, my mind is a hazy swamp at the moment, but there is a pretty good GD reason for it.  i went downstairs and smacked him in the head twice with my wallet in front of everyone and then left a 1/2 hour later to drive 3 hours back to the city by myself.  i'm not sorry.  he deserved a third smack.

 

i really have no one in my court as far as any of this goes.  he doesn't get how it feels to have a freaking clamp around his head and calves, not to be able to articulate ideas quickly and easily, to wake up with adrenaline surges at 6am every single morning, watching the clock until i can take my 1.375mg of valium.  the lack of respect irritates me.  the lack of empathy irritates me.  i'm irritated. 

 

i'm not close to a single member of my family.  i see my dad once a year, my mother not really ever, and i have basically two friends who know what i'm going through.    the worst part is, i consider myself to be fiercely independent during normal times, but right now i don't have the energy to break up and find a new apartment and go through the rest of this hellish, god awful experience alone. 

 

i'm sorry to whine on and on.  this drug, this taper, this hell is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me, and i'm so angry i'm finding it very difficult to remain hopeful about my recovery, whatever that means, whenever it might happen.

 

this sucks.

[[sa...]]

Hi Brooklyn,

 

Girlfriend here... You story made my blood boil, too! I completely understand about the family thing, I don't have family support and its just been recently that I have felt like getting with my friends. As Im getting better and better, I'm realizing that its likely I was the one who did the abandoning.

 

I have a couple suggestions...pretend we are doing your nails...lol. Actually, sometimes guys say off color stuff like that to look cool to others. It's in terribly poor taste, but may not exactly reflect that he really thinks that about you.

 

In the the bigger picture, he still threw your rep under the bus. I also understand that this may not be the time to break up and switch up your life while you are trying to heal, so if this is an isolated situation, I agree with you that staying might be best. You actually are the only onne who can make that decision.

 

One thing I have learned and has served me well, on and off benzos. The only person you can truly count on is yourself. You know what you are dealing with, and sometimes its just to tired to get the rest of the world to understand. Luckily, we do, we totally do. But we can't be your 'in real life' people, you know? So he still has his place. I think all of us are getting a feel for what it is like to have the people that were the closest to us kind of fail us in a way during this journey.

 

Everyone in our lives have a purpose. Perhaps what you get from your boyfriend emotionally might just be enough for now. Come here for understanding and to get "Benoz recovery fed". Does that make sense?

 

I know we are sick and it would be nice to have everyone understand, and God knows this nightmare deserves some attention, but it seems to not be the case most of the time, for so many of us. We can be upset about it or we can find a comfortable way to get through it.

 

I would be pissed, too. But what is best for you? You seem very pragmatic and logical. Im sorry you are on this journey at all, girl. But since you are, Im glad you are here. Take what works from your relationship and we can help you with the rest. Im sure you do a lot for yourself as well, I like how you champion for yourself, that is huge too!

 

With that said, warm gf bb hug to you~getting well is number one priority and will take all that we have~

 

xoxoxo

Sarah~

[[br...]]

thanks, Sarah.  i forgot to mention he never cleans the bathroom. 

 

i'll try to take your advice.  i guess even pre-benzo i had a tendency to really try to get my point across, and to really get people to understand how i feel.  this might prove to be a losing battle when it comes to benzo withdrawal.  i think it's tough for people to understand the severity of suffering we feel when they've never gone through it themselves or haven't even heard of it.  heroin withdrawal, you'd probably get a village of help there.  benzo withdrawal, good luck you're on your own.

 

if i hadn't wanted to come across as normal so badly, i might not have been so upset by the comment.  or, if i had more real life support from other people i would have shrugged it off maybe.  it made it worse that i was surrounded by people enjoying life, eating and drinking what they wanted, laughing, having fun, taking it easy.  i wanted just a bit of that (minus the drinking) for a day. 

 

thanks for letting me vent. 

 

still mad, but i feel better.

[[mp...]]

Hi brooklyn:

 

Wow, you have done such an amazing job of it, you are a champion!

 

Every bit of what the lovely and talented Sarah has said is true, true, true. Even though we wish for more understanding from our "friends and family", it may not be forthcoming, probably won't be.

 

We do indeed, have to rely on ourselves, and that is a bummer. That is why BB is so excellent, especially for those of us who are particularly mourning our cog/memory skills, and those of us who tend to be more sensitive to the wrongs in the world, hey, it's always tougher on us!

 

Your BF was rotten to have tried to sound like a "big man" by putting you down, a childish game that children play. Sounds like staying for now is the way, though. Please come here often and vent away, do you have a blog?

 

About the dirty bathroom, sorry, I laughed out loud! I know if you would let it go, it wouldn't matter - some folks just don't care if they are surrounded by filth. I don't get that at all. Ick - you poor thing, this and this alone makes me feel lucky to live alone. 

 

Warm thoughts to you for a peaceful night.

 

Your new friend in the fight,

 

M.

[[...]]

Hey Brooklyn1280!

 

I am glad you were able to come here and vent.  IMO your bf was a total douche

at that party. Maybe a one time only event!  At least the food was good!  Who the heck can figure out card tricks anyway, that is why they are called "tricks"!!  It is hard enough to be in bz withdrawal without having to play such juvenile games.  Don't let this ruin your recovery.  You sound like you have your cognitive skills quite together, despite your concerns.  The bf is lucky to have you, and oh yeah and tell him there is a 12 step program for those who never clean the bathroom....

BB is a great place to find "family" that will support your needs and recovery.  You will get your life back doll and I will do my best to support that.  I am looking forward to getting to know you!  Feel free to visit and vent on my blog anytime!

Sky

[[Mi...]]

Hey Brooklyn,  this is just me BUT I would patch things up with the BF while you are trying to figure out what to do longer term with him.  He might be a good risk, he might not.  BUT in the meantime use his guilt feelings to the max!  String it out as long as you can.  You are playing for time.  He most likely will be contrite and treat you like a queen for a while.  Lap it up.  Ask for more.  Maybe he will do such a good job of being contrite that you will see he is worth a second chance.  If he doesn't lick your butt and bend over backward to atone, well that's an answer too. 

 

MiniMinnie

[[sa...]]

thanks, Sarah.  i forgot to mention he never cleans the bathroom. 

 

i'll try to take your advice.  i guess even pre-benzo i had a tendency to really try to get my point across, and to really get people to understand how i feel.  this might prove to be a losing battle when it comes to benzo withdrawal.  i think it's tough for people to understand the severity of suffering we feel when they've never gone through it themselves or haven't even heard of it.  heroin withdrawal, you'd probably get a village of help there.  benzo withdrawal, good luck you're on your own.

 

if i hadn't wanted to come across as normal so badly, i might not have been so upset by the comment.  or, if i had more real life support from other people i would have shrugged it off maybe.  it made it worse that i was surrounded by people enjoying life, eating and drinking what they wanted, laughing, having fun, taking it easy.  i wanted just a bit of that (minus the drinking) for a day. 

 

thanks for letting me vent. 

 

still mad, but i feel better.

 

Hey Brooklyn,

I feel you on wanting to be understood. That is something that took awhile to learn for me, sometimes in an effort to try to be understood, I just pushed people away. I decided I just need to understand me. I also needed to decide what I wanted from different relationships. For me, I just want to enjoy them mostly. The people I wanted to understand where towed under and many left. The ones I was just friendly with and kept my personal stuff kind of where it belonged, well those relationships flourished. As I observed this, I remember the golden rule from being a kid. If you want a friend be a friend. Interesting that is how it works here on BB. The more you give the more you get and not that you do it to get, but it's the balance that makes for good relationships.

 

I find that Im the person that can me myself most happy. I have to do it. As I get better at that, Im better able to offer a better me to ....my friends, my son, hopefully my family one day and people in general. I know that the people I enjoy, many times have issues, but they are self sufficient but ultimately I enjoy their company. When I was spending so much time telling my story (not that we shouldn't just not only, you know? ) that wasn't really enjoyable. In fact the ones that would get down in the dregs with me, who seemed like supporters where really just the feeders of my misery.

 

My heart felt heavy for you as you just wanted to have a good time and feel comfortable in a social setting like before. I so get that. We all have been there. That is such a weird feeling. I will say this, Brooklynn. It gets better. Ive been going to social functions, and its' peppered with days like what you had but sometimes its fine and its fine more and more. This will happen for you, too. I read it all the time. It would be nice if everyone understood on one hand, but for everyone to understand they would all have to go through this. I woulnd't wish this on anyone!

 

I hope you are having some balance today about your recovery. I will leave you with this, you don't have to figure everything out either. Somethings just are best left. I know that might be hard. Being a single Mom I like to be in control of things, since Im responsible for so much. Letting go has so much freedom in it and surprisingly many things have a way of working themselves out. Freeing you up to get yourself better and find a comfortable way to get through this.

 

Do something for yourself today. I say go with the manicure or a massage. But maybe a book, or some meditation in the park. Whatever brings you to your higher self, what maybe you wish your bf would do for you to "help you feel better", you do it. See how its a guarantee to get done and that it also feeds you.

 

Relationships come and go, but when all is said and done the one relatiionship you will always have is the one you have with yourself. So make it a good one!

 

Be well, and happy healing, Brooklynn (said with a ny accent, lol )

Muah!

Sarah~

[[Mi...]]

Hey what happened to the party?  Did everybody go home?  Come back girls and guys, I need a fix!

 

MiniMInnie

[Guest [...]]

Sarah

 

how r u going sweety I hope well.  I wrote my success story yesterday lol and today I feel like crap I think its life stuff though you know dead beats dads and all that.  Friends I thought were friends but arnt the list goes on and on.  Sorry just having a shocker feel like a fraud now writing my success story when I feel like crap today perhaps it was just a window lolz.  $hit do I go and edit it now and say I failed at my success story or what. idk anyway tell me something positive I need a pick me up.

 

Love Lizzyxx

[[sm...]]

Lizzy!

I have missed you friend:)  No don't take your success story down sillyhead:)  Just keep going forward.  Why do you feel like you aren't healed, do you feel something physically or is it just mental??  Lovely, you sound like you are doing so great so quickly, I think you are fine now, I think life is just sucky.  I know all about ahole dads, just come here to lean on us when you need it:)  I am still here for you!!! How are things otherwise, how did that job interview go??  I had an interview yesterday for a bank and it went well, fingers crossed I get it:)  Still working on where to live, but all in due time....I keep saying to myself..."Everything is in divine order right now."  Let go and let the angels!!! 

 

Love and hugs to you:)

 

Sarah

[Guest [...]]

Sarah

 

lolz you are beautiful arnt ya.  yeah forward Im just crying today feeling overwhelmed but i think its life catching up with me more than anything else.  Cried today first time in nearly 2 weeks always feel like a failure for doing that have high expectations on myself you know.  yeah dead beat dads and wanna be mums those are the woman who want to take over parenting your child I had a bad one and when they broke up both of them took off anyway so why waste my time.

 

good luck on the job darling I hope you get it note to self dont rob bank and send loads of cash to your friend down under lolz.  I sure as hell am going to need some very soon.

 

I have submitted my application done in a hurry and the job has only just closed so will wait to hear.

 

Lizzyxx

[[sm...]]

Lizzy-

Thanks love:)  You should learn to love yourself a little more, and be compassionate.  Do you hug yourself when you cry??Sounds silly, but you deserve it:)  Its important we feel loved and accepted from our true being, only then can we really love others, we have to love us first!!

 

Don't beat yourself up for crying its healthy, it natural, and its necessary, its our only true emotional release! Keep that bottled up and thats when you turn to unhealthy things.  Ugh, I don't even want to think about other girls trying to mother my child, that must drive you up the wall.  Well I guess there are some things we don't have control over.  Good luck on your job darlin!!!

 

Keep on keepin on:)

 

Love

Sarah

[[re...]]

I am alone. But when I am healed, watch out! Looking for a great man.

[Guest [...]]

hahaha recovering get in line girlfriend if I can ever trust another guy again that is.  bad bad choice in men I have dont understand it at all.

 

Lizzy

[[Mi...]]

Lizzy girl, listen to Sarah.  DO NOT take down your success story.  You are a success in every sense of the word.  We all have ups and downs in life, yes, even those who have never laid eyes on a benzo pill.  Shocking isn't it?  We think we BBs have the monopoly on misery but guess what we don't!

 

I know about dead beat dads too!  So does my daughter.  She texted me today and told me her ex wanted to do something else this weekend and so couldn't see the kids ON FATHERS DAY.  After they had planned something special for him.  How lame is that?

 

Hey Recovering, hope you find that great man!

 

Sarah and Lizzy, good luck on the job front.  It these jobs are meant to be, they will come through, if not then there is something better out there.

 

MiniMinnie

[[sm...]]

Mini-AGREED!!!

 

:thumbsup:

[[sm...]]

I got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D

[[ja...]]

Sarah... Yay

 

I am so happy for you. Thats fantastic. Im so glad to hear some good news coming your way! You deserve the best honey.Little by Little its coming rt to You..

 

 

Xoxox~Jenny

[Guest [...]]

omg Sarah

 

that is brilliant news congrats lovely im thrilled for you.

 

Lizzyxx

[[Mi...]]

SARAH!!!!!  I am so happy for you!  Go out there girl and reclaim your life!

 

MiniMinnie

[[sa...]]

I got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D

 

:yippee:

 

 

[[Li...]]

I am alone. But when I am healed, watch out! Looking for a great man.

 

You and me both girlfriend!!! 

[[Li...]]

I got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D

 

SARAH!!!! YAY! I am sooooo happy for you!!!! 

[[sm...]]

Thanks for all the good wishes:)  I hope and pray I do not screw this one up!  Am super nervous about starting, but there is no other choice now:)  Working and dealing with klnpn wd.......will shall see how this goes haha.