Anyone have a crappy bf or alone in wd?

[[Mi...]]

I am doing fine Sarah, thanks for asking.  Just a few pesky symptoms and many good days, a few challenging ones but making progress!

 

Sarah yes, my dream was so freaky, I haven't ever met you IRL but you know how we have a mental image we attach to all our BBs.  In my dream you were tallish and had long dark hair.  Your little girl had on a red headband and you both were dressed in hot weather clothes - tank tops and shorts.  In the Spotless Mind movie, the couple are lying on the ground holding hands and the scene is shot from above, that's how I saw you and Amelie, a satellite shot laying in front of a little house in green grass holding hands and laughing.  It is an omen!  Your last post sounds very hopeful.  I am so glad.  Lots of possibilities, the job interview, the possibility of your grandma's home.  You will heal and you will get your life back!!!  Go for it Sarah.  Let us know how things go.

 

MiniMinnie

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Dipity-

Thank you so much for that:) It does sound like Mini's dream haha.  Today I drove by my apartment where I was living before I started taking klonopin.....I felt really happy to be there, I kept looking for signs and wondering where life would take me this time....So yesterday as I was leaving my acupuncture session, I am getting in to my car, and as I am about to drive off this bee lands right on my windshield, like I thought it flew in my car, I was like ahhhh! Then I realized it was on the outside haha, I was like that was weird, it just flew off.  Today I was right in front of my old condo and a bee landed right on the wall to the porch it just kind of sat there.  I felt like this was a sign.  I am on good terms with my old land lord still, so I might be moving back there or another condo he owns.  I have not heard from my aunt, she is not really well herself, but I am still holding out for that.  Tomorrow is the interview, we will see how it goes.  Oh another thing......bees are usually a sign of wealth or abundance, the last time a bee landed near me, I was getting out of my car and I set my wallet on top of my car as I was getting little one out of her car seat, I went to reach for my wallet and bee just landed right on it and sat there for a few seconds, then just took off, I was like wtf?? I hate bees!!! Well a couple of weeks later I got my last job that paid pretty well, I usually see them right before something good happens financially.  I do not know where I will work, and that is making me uneasy because I can not prepare myself yet for that,  until I know what it is.  I hate job hunting, hate it.  I read that forum on how to survive financially, good tips.  I don't have much to sell, but I have been down all of those roads before.  I will make it somehow:) I will keep you guys up to date, I will stop in and tell you how tomorrow goes:)

 

Love to you dipity:)

 

SFACE

[[sm...]]

Mini-

I am glad to hear you are better, I was so worried when that beta blocker thing happened, I am glad you are better:)  My waves are pretty gnarly right now, in fact I freaked out job hunting today, I did my best, but I turned around after a few hours, I just felt so horrible, makes me scared to work a full 8 hour shift!

 

Its funny, because I did this seminar when I was 20, its called PSI, you might have heard of it, but we did this exercise with someone in the seminar that we really did not know well, then we had to sit face to face with them and close our eyes, and for about 5 minutes they would think of someone they knew well, they would (in their mind) imagine every detail of that person down to what their lashes look like, then after a few minutes of them visualizing what the other person looks like, the other person would have to guess what this person that they were thinking about really looks like.  Without a doubt you would always guess almost exactly what this person looked like, I could not believe it.  Funny thing is, I am tallish, and until just recently have had long dark hair for years:)

 

Thanks mini for encouraging me:) You are a great friend to me:)  Tonight I am watching so you think you can dance, my favorite show in the entire world.  I will be more at ease when something becomes more concrete:)

 

Love to you

 

Sface:)

[Guest [...]]

Hello Sface

 

how r u sweety you are sounding more peaceful to me at the moment and resigned to the fact that changes are going to happen for you.  I hope something comes up for you real soon my friend I really do.

 

Lizzyxx

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Lizzy-

Chris Hemsworth is on live with Kelly right now, that is like so nice to start my day off with:)

Its funny because all of my big plans are falling through.  Doors just being slammed in my face.....so far my old landlord has nothing available for me, my aunt wont pick up her phone, no job offers, in fact more rejections than anything.  So not very happy today.  I am not ready for all of this.  I just dont see a way out.  All of my ideas are not working sooooo here we go again.

 

How are you feeling lately?

[Guest [...]]

Sface

 

sorry darling that the doors are slamming in your face its bs.  Something will be delivered to you from the universe for sure.  Life cannot be that unkind to you.  Have been reading so many stories lately of people like you who were not on for a long time and have the worst time its amazing that this drug works so potently on humans it should be totally monitored and make sure people dont take it longer than its meant for makes my blood boil it does.

 

Im feeling over this whole bs Im convinced Im damaged forever you know on and on it goes but I do have ocd so it complicates things anyway.

 

Lizzyxxx

[[Mi...]]

Hang in there Sarah.  Things will begin to fall in place.  You've only been on this full court press for a couple of days and these things take time.  We have come so far on this miserable journey and still a ways to go but progress is being made!  Sending you good vibrations for strength to see this through to the prize.

 

MiniMinnie

[[sm...]]

Lizzy- I feel totally defeated today.....I am reading this book that talks about "wd" from an actual person/relationship, and today I must say I am feeling that with you know who.  We haven't seen each other in three weeks, and have not talked for one week, we usually keep talking even if we are not together.  Just his absence alone is making me crazy, I know it sounds dumb, but it is very real.  I know there is no going back, but I wish that it was a year later already and that I had forgotten him completely and over it....no such luck.

 

Today I went to go look for jobs again, and I was so tired I could not get out of my car.  I just drove around aimlessly like well I guess I could work there or there, but I can't make myself get out.  I have never really felt that before.....I thought to myself how the hell am I supposed to work like this?  I started in this viscous cycle of negative, first no job, no house, grieving over some stupid guy yet again, and no confidence whatsoever.  How do you get so down on yourself you know?  I realized I have no self esteem, and no belief in myself.  I always help other people, but I can not even help me.  There is some part of my thinking that truly believes I am a loser, that I will always be unsuccessful, and that I deserve to suffer.  That is never a good belief system to have, but its mine.  And the more doors that shut, the worse I feel.  I need to be in therapy haha, but can not afford it.  Don't have the energy to go searching either, I have to put what little energy I do have in to finding a job, and finding a place to live.  GRrrrr I wish I had something more uplifting to say!!!!!

 

 

I know how you feel of course.  I am convinced I am damages forever too.  There is nothing in me that thinks I will recover, not now.  I give up right now, just complete utter failure.........sheesh

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mini- true, well its almost been a week, but I don't have much time, I would not get discouraged this quickly if I knew I had some time, but I am out of ideas right now.  I just need to recharge, I keep pulling this angel card that says something like listen to the messages and signs you are receiving and I am like what messages and signs?????@@@!!! I am not getting anything, but apparently I am?  SO upset today:(

[[Mi...]]

{{{{{{{Sarah}}}}}}}} Come on over here and get a big ole hug from someone who cares.  I am sorry you are so down today.  You are certainly faced with some crap right now on top of the benzo withdrawal.  I mean, one or the other all by itself would be enough to put most folks over the edge, but you are dealing with EVERYTHING.  Of course you are scared and discouraged, it is daunting.  You will survive Sarah.  This is the universe telling you that its time to move on, to step out in faith.  Its a step you might not make if not forced to and who knows, it might be just what you need to get you over the hump and truly healed.  In your own place where you won't have the negative energy of your parents dragging you down.  Where you can regain some of your confidence that comes from being self-reliant.  You can do this Sarah!  You can!  Get a good nights sleep tonight and things will look brighter in the morning, promise!

 

XOXOX

MiniMinnie

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mini- thank you friend:) I wish we all lived closer, it would be so nice to have a friend nearby!  In all of this, I am still proud of myself.  I am finally getting help for the things that caused me so much pain and the reason for taking a benzo.  I am starting a support group next week and finding a new counselor.  I am starting to feel like I can overcome my obstacles.  I used to think healing from a benzo will be easy, its overcoming my life that will be hard, and now that I am figuring out why I am the way I am, and that I can get help and change, gives me hope.  I know now, I will not find myself in another brady sitaution again, letting him go will be hard yes, but the next one, if I see any signs of abuse of neglect or drugs, I am gone, this time I believe that, I don't just think it.  I know too much now. 

 

I really hope I find a new home that I can feel safe in, and grow.  I hope I can find a job that I can handle and feel happy to go to, maybe someplace light hearted and easy going where they can accept my issues.  Maybe someplace not too stressful, but still pays the bills.  I guess I needed a good nudge, but I want to succeed this time, I want to make it work wherever I live and wherever I work, and I want little one to come home too, but I have a lot of work to do on myself still.  It will be some hard work becoming a healthy person, but there is no other choice, my health was deteriorating.  Just from loving too much, can you believe it?  I mean at age 25 having high blood pressure?? Sometimes I think to myself, poor girl, but then I just know what I need to do now.  I will not beat myself up anymore either, letting go of unhealthy situations is a problem for me, just like coming off a benzo is hard and takes perseverance so does this.  If I backslide, it is part of recovery....that being said, I am going to dance, and go to bed:) Maybe eat some chicken and grapes too:)

 

Love you mini

Sarah

[[ja...]]

Sarah...

 

Hi Honey. Its been awhile since I came by to say hello. Ive been off for almost a month but I have been reading what youve been going through. I am so sorry for everything you are battleing.I want you to know tho.. I see a amazing amount of Grace and Strength in you .I see a woman whos Fighting the Fight of her life.And doing it with such Grace. But I also am no stranger to the Low points in Life. For me Its the hardest Lessons that have brought forth the Richest Rewards. Stay strong I know your going through a very blinding and unknown road rt now in your life. Your gonna find your way through and Find when you do ..You could have never been there.. If you werent Right HERE!!!!

 

Stay exactly the way you are Sarah...Your doing Beautiful

 

Xo~Jenny

[[Li...]]

{{{{{{{SARAH}}}}}}}

[[sm...]]

Sarah...

 

Hi Honey. Its been awhile since I came by to say hello. Ive been off for almost a month but I have been reading what youve been going through. I am so sorry for everything you are battleing.I want you to know tho.. I see a amazing amount of Grace and Strength in you .I see a woman whos Fighting the Fight of her life.And doing it with such Grace. But I also am no stranger to the Low points in Life. For me Its the hardest Lessons that have brought forth the Richest Rewards. Stay strong I know your going through a very blinding and unknown road rt now in your life. Your gonna find your way through and Find when you do ..You could have never been there.. If you werent Right HERE!!!!

 

Stay exactly the way you are Sarah...Your doing Beautiful

 

Xo~Jenny

 

Jenny! H i love!

It is always good to hear from you:)  I am glad to stopped in, you always lift me up:) I would like to think I am doing this with grace, but it does not feel that way haha:)  My heart is pretty broken right now, thats all I keep hearing in my head over and over, my heart is broken.  Thank you for the support, I do appreciate all of it:)  Good to hear from you

 

Love Sarah

[[sm...]]

Libby

 

Tonight I went out with my best friend of 15 years.  We have not hung out in quiet a while because of the wd, but we went to this local restaurant/bar, and they had a dj because its Saturday night I guess??  Anyways, I look over and here this guy has taken all this time to bring all of his dj equipment and set it all up, and is ready to rock and talks to the crowd and no one is responding or requesting songs...I see his little tips jar, and I am thinking to myself, "I had better get this ball rolling or no one is going to." 

 

It was kind of dead too, I felt so bad, so I went up and requested a song and put a tip for him in there, I asked if they had karaoke, and he said excited, "Well I can set it up if you want to sing!!!"  I was like would I be the only one?  and he said yes but that it would be no problem....so this dj sets up karaoke just for me haha!!  It wasn't even karaoke night, anyways, long story short, after that, people started requesting songs, and going up to him to ask to do karaoke:)  My friend was like look what you started!!

 

Made me feel pretty good to help that guy out and to get people interested in joining in on the fun:)  My life may be in shambles, but I can still make people sing!!  Only crappy part, guess who was working there?? BRADY'S ex girlfriend, nice little reminder, like in your face.  Here I am trying to get away from that, and there it is right in my face.

 

It was a good night with my friend, felt like old times:)  Hoping my heart heals soon.....

 

Love you guys

Sarah

[Guest [...]]

Sface

 

hows it going sweety I meant to write this yesterday but I got carried away you know how it is.

 

Sface you will get your confidence back it takes a wack from your self esteem this withdrawal and a relationship breakup and your little princess so why would you be feeling good about yourself.  You can work through this and you will be better than before if that is possible at all.  You are making positive changes in your life sometimes we just need to take some time to step back and see them.

 

Lizzyxx

[[Li...]]

Sface I'm so glad you went out and got the party started! Good girl.

 

I went out last night to a festival and had SO much fun. I am paying for it today though! So tired and even fevering a little. (Hate that.) The funniest part of last night? It was, um, an alternative sort of thing and I ran into my SUPER-conservative grandma and aunt there! LOL I was absolutely floored and crying I was laughing so hard. I live in a big city so it's not like a little town, so running into my grandma ANYwhere is not likely at all, and then especially this type of event. My cousin was one of the dancers there (which I didn't know until my grandma told me) so they were there to support her. It was really funny- the last two people in the world you'd expect to see there would be my grandma and aunt!  What a story. Even better, I was volunteering at the beer booth and my family doesn't drink at all. So grandma was like, 'oh, what are you doing here? oh, serving beer. well that's nice!'   

 

Libby

[[Mi...]]

Hey Sarah Girl!  So glad you got out of the house last night.  Theres nothing like friends who have known us years and years.  Less BS, more accepting, more truth telling, no room for putting on our fake faces, ya know?  Good on you for jump starting the party!  Now, I see that as a metaphor for your life.  You can jump start that too and you will.  Keep working on it and soon things will begin to move and shake.  Soon your life will be in high gear again with lots of good people joining in and creating positive vibes.

 

I stayed off the forum on purpose yesterday to focus on real life.  My energy waxes and wanes but for some reason I got up feeling good. I got so much done!  I went for a long walk in the cool of the morning, came back and cooked myself a healthy breakfast and then sat down and planned a new quilt I am making for my little granddaughter's birthday.  I went to the fabric store and bought the material and came back with a beautiful fabric with sparkly fireflies and butterflies.  I cleaned my lanai, trimmed all my tropical plants, watered and fertilized them, harvested my herbs and hung them to dry and at the end was so hot I got into the pool and just paddled around for a while.  It was wonderful to feel the cool water and evening sun.  I was hungry so I fired up the grill and grilled chicken and vegetables just for myself!  I never do that alone but enjoyed grilling and eating out on the lanai while the night sounds set in.  I lit the lanterns and sat there and listened to the male frogs making noise looking for love.  Went in and watched a good movie and toddled off to dreamland and slept well.  I hope this is the start of a trend!

 

Anyway Sarah, didn't mean to write a tome all about MYSELF.  Hang in there, your life will head in a positive new direction and soon all this will seem like a bad dream.  It cant happen soon enough for all of us!

 

MiniMinnie

 

 

[[sm...]]

Lizzy- How are you feeling? Anything exciting happening?

 

Libby-too funny, life can just put us in the funniest of circumstances haha.  Glad you got out and had fun, good for you:)

 

Mini- I love the way you tell your stories, makes me feel like I am there with you!  Sounds like a really nice evening.  I like hearing about your life too, I don't want to just keep talking about me all the time. 

 

I am really sad over you know who today for some reason.  I know this sounds dumb, but I don't feel like I can handle all of this right now.  Some days you find strength and others it just walks out, and today is one of those days.  Feeling like who am I without him, and how am I supposed to handle everything else when I am hurting this much. 

 

Anyways, I am staying in bed today, I got 5 hours of sleep, could not fall asleep until 4 am I am hurting that much.  I haven't had a bad night sleep like that in months, could not believe it. so so bummed today.

[[Mi...]]

Aw Sarah Girl.  So sorry you are having a down day.  I am watching "He's Just Not That In To You" on USA.  Great movie with a good message just for you, I'm sure you've watched it already.  Turn it on and refresh your memory!  Its not just about avoiding the wrong men, ts about finding the right man ya know?  You WILL find the strength you need to do what you have to do in life Sarah.  The alternative is not to be thought of, the alternative is to just lay down and give up and you absolutely will not do that!

 

MiniMinnie

[[sm...]]

that movie would remind me of how much you know who is not in to me, i already am feeling that:( i feel so beaten down i just dont know today, i cant stand when i get like this.......

[[Mi...]]

Sarah that Mr Wrong dickhead may not be that into you but Mr. Right IS and he's out there.  Pick your head up girl.  Look around.  You have a lot going for you despite all of your challenges right now.  Don't wallow in your misery! Or if you do then wallow for a bit and then get up and do something else.  Something simple to distract yourself.  Yes we all have up days and down days and today is a down day for you.  Tomorrow is a brand new day, you have to hang onto the belief that things will begin to break for you.  I have been just where you are at just your age, alone with a baby girl, abandoned by a dickhead, no job, no home, scared.  You WILL heal, get a job, find a home, get Amelie back, find Mr Right.  I did, you will too.  It WILL happen!  Hang on Sarah!

 

MiniMinnie

[Guest [...]]

Sarah

 

Listen to mini its going to be fine your just depressed about everything as we all are..  this stuff sucks big time but remember that positive stuff you say to all of us.  How about putting some kindness back onto yourself.  Can you do that for us.

 

Im doing ok Sface ok fear hangs over my head like crazy wish it would pi$$ off but you know what can I do.  Biggest excitement of my life atm is Gossip Girl tonight here in Australia probably already 6 months old over there by now we are so far behind.  so you get my picture dullsville atm.  No motivation at all for anything before you couldnt keep me still I can only really talk on here when you get me in real time Im on half speed thats for sure.

 

Chin up baby you are a top chick remember that.

 

Lizzyxx

 

oh yeah mini i want to come join you sounds amazing good girlxx

[[sm...]]

Sarah that Mr Wrong dickhead may not be that into you but Mr. Right IS and he's out there.  Pick your head up girl.  Look around.  You have a lot going for you despite all of your challenges right now.  Don't wallow in your misery! Or if you do then wallow for a bit and then get up and do something else.  Something simple to distract yourself.  Yes we all have up days and down days and today is a down day for you.  Tomorrow is a brand new day, you have to hang onto the belief that things will begin to break for you.  I have been just where you are at just your age, alone with a baby girl, abandoned by a dickhead, no job, no home, scared.  You WILL heal, get a job, find a home, get Amelie back, find Mr Right.  I did, you will too.  It WILL happen!  Hang on Sarah!

 

MiniMinnie

 

Mini-whew ok glad thats over...haha, I couldn't pull myself out, but I did mid day and took a shower and went to the store and had some dinner.  Nothing but sappy movies on right now lord have mercy.  Its good to hear that life got better for you, gives me some hope that life will get better.  I know this sounds so cheesy, but The Last Song is on, and the way that guy looks at the girl in the movie, I am just like, thats what its supposed to be like, I haven't had someone look at me like that in years.  Ok enough...... I am still not convinced that life is going to work out right now, but at least I am out of bed...yay.  Thanks for all the pep talks, they keep me going:)

[[sm...]]

Sarah

 

Listen to mini its going to be fine your just depressed about everything as we all are..  this stuff sucks big time but remember that positive stuff you say to all of us.  How about putting some kindness back onto yourself.  Can you do that for us.

 

Im doing ok Sface ok fear hangs over my head like crazy wish it would pi$$ off but you know what can I do.  Biggest excitement of my life atm is Gossip Girl tonight here in Australia probably already 6 months old over there by now we are so far behind.  so you get my picture dullsville atm.  No motivation at all for anything before you couldnt keep me still I can only really talk on here when you get me in real time Im on half speed thats for sure.

 

Chin up baby you are a top chick remember that.

 

Lizzyxx

 

oh yeah mini i want to come join you sounds amazing good girlxx

 

Lizzy- Watching Liam Hemsworth on tv right now:)  I am at less than half speed, its so hard to get out of bed and do anything, last night could not sleep at all.  I am repeating to myself, everything is in divine order right now.  There is nothing left for me to do but hand it over to the good lord:)  Hope your speed picks up soon:)