Laughter is the best medicine

[[...]]

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

 

 

[[Fl...]]

This has happened to me. Not the reorder part but the really posh restaurant not producing posh food.  Good one PJ!

[[zi...]]

 

A jump lead cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

 

Sean is walking through the park and notices an old lady sitting on a bench sobbing her eyes out. He stops and asks her what is wrong. She says, "I have a 22-year old husband at home. He kisses and cuddles me every morning and then gets up and makes me eggs, bacon, black pudding, toast and tea." Well then," Sean says, "Why are you crying?" She says, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and then kisses and cuddles me for half the afternoon." Perplexed, Sean says, "So, why are you crying?" She says, "For supper, he always makes me my favourite meal and then kisses and cuddles me until 2:00 a.m. Astonished by now, Sean says, "Why in the world would you be crying, then?" Says she, "I can't remember where I live!"

[[Fl...]]

The older I get, the better I was.

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.

 

They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

 

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically,

  I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

 

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

 

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered.

 

I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

 

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

 

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

 

Yep it's getting like that. The golden years.

 

[[pa...]]

Happy I found this thread!!!! I have been howling with laughter from pg 1 - 27. My hubby also, even with bad s/x wds.

 

True story.  Worked with my hubby in his insurance agency 26 years.  Company installed computers in agency, a first for us all.  Hubby was going through the intro tutorial.  Myself and his staff silently chuckling hears his grunts, groans and sighs.  He hollers, Patty come in here, went to his office, with exasperation he says "where the hell is the rabbit on this damn computer" ....  I knew he meant MOUSE!  Myself and staff were almost rolling on the floor with laughter for an hour!! That,s why I,m on the bbs site not him!!

 

Thanks again for the thread and great posts!!  Be back when when my brain remembers great jokes from the past.

[[pe...]]

I've just fallen down the stairs carrying a tin of paint, it's OK, I'm not really hurt just feeling a bit emulsional.

[[Be...]]

Wife by text to husband at work:

 

"Windows at home frozen - what will I do?"

 

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

 

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that, now computer won't work at all”.

[[Be...]]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v295/beeper0002/Walmartcake.jpg

[[Fl...]]

:2funny: :clap:

 

 

Too funny, Beeper! LOL.

[[pe...]]

brunette walks into shop "can i buy that TV please" "no we don't sell to blonde's" "how did you know I'm a natural blond" "that's a microwave, not a TV"

[[pe...]]

Anti wrinkle cream should get tested on testicles cos if u can get the folds out of them we are on to a winner!

[[pe...]]

Paddy wanted to sell his car so his mate told him to wind the mileage back a bit and he would get a better price for it. when he saw him a few days later he asked how he got on... paddy said when I finished winding it back it only had 7000 on the clock so I decided to keep it...!

[[pe...]]

 

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

 

The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Patrol in his mirror.

 

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

 

The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and how to handle it.

 

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.

 

"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."

 

"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.

 

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

 

"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.

 

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

 

"Well WHO IN THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.

 

"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

[[pe...]]

Random thought of the day: If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey, would you be stoned off your ass?

[[sa...]]

LOLOL, How did I not find this thread! My new fave!!!! OMG, pembs....so funny!!!! and Beeper, that cake.....laughter can cure more than we give credit for!

 

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

 

[[Li...]]

I grew up Mormon (LDS/Latter Day Saint) and while I'm not Mormon now, my whole family is. Therefore, I get to tell this joke. 

 

Tour of Heaven

 

A man dies and goes to heaven. He is being shown around by Saint Peter, and they come upon a group of people who are dressed in white, and engaged in deep conversation.

 

He asks his tour guide, "Who are those people?" and he is told, "Those are the Baptists."

 

The man says he didn't think there would be "any of those up here" and Saitn Peter says, "Actually, we have quite a few."

 

This happens again, for Catholics, Presbyterians, Christian Science, etc, plus many non-Christian religions.

 

Finally they get to a group of people dressed in white who, instead of talking, are kneeling in prayer.

 

"And who are these people?" the man asks.

 

"Shh!" whispers Saint Peter, "Those are the Mormons - and they think they're the only ones up here!"

[[pe...]]

I told my ex that I felt like killing him, and he said I need professional help, so I hired a hitman.

[[pe...]]

Went to doctors other day and said, ' do you treat Alcoholics ' and the doctor said ' course we do' .

So I said ' brilliant fancy taking me to pub then because I'm skint' !

[[pe...]]

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition. ''What are you going to do with the prize money?'' the officer asked. The man responded, ''I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.'' At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ''Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk.'' This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ''I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car.'' At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ''Are we over the border yet?''

[[...]]

:laugh: :laugh:  you sure come up with some good ones, pembs

[[pe...]]

:laugh: :laugh:  you sure come up with some good ones, pembs

 

  Glad you like them  xx

[[sa...]]

Pembs, lololol, omg, my side hurts, you need your own show!!! :laugh:

 

Libby, love it! Love your disclaimer as well. I live in a mormon town, I love Mormans, and actually my mormon friends are pretty funny and they make fun of themselves sometimes, makes them all the more loveable. I'm not morman, but I'm hoping for a buddy pass from one of them to get into heaven. lol.

Thanks for the laughs, guys, youre awesome!

Sarah~

[[Li...]]

I agree, Pems is hilarious!

 

Sarah, love the buddy pass! LOL. I love the Mormons too. A good-hearted bunch for the most part, that's for sure.

 

Libby

[[pe...]]

"Thats it"she stormed "im leaving you i cant compete with your 80s rock music im leaving you,ive met someone new" "who is it?"he shouted "hes called Tommy and hes not at all a bit obsessed with Bon Jovi" "Tommy?"he said "he used to work on the docks"

[[pe...]]

After 16 years of marriage Jim the plumber left his wife Florence....

The note on the kitchen table simply said 'It's over flo'