Laughter is the best medicine

[[Hj...]]

These aren't jokes but something my daughters said

One of them would always ask for a bowl of "crappin crunch"

The other wanted to know if she was old enough to shave her "armpimps"

[[Fl...]]

Funny!

 

I think real life sayings and experiences are often the best!

 

My niece use to sing, "Randolph the red nose rein deer"

[[Hj...]]

Ahhhh that's very cute! Those little sayings are so sweet!

[[Wa...]]

At closing time, Dave staggered out of the bar, drunk as usual. Trying to find his

way home through the dark streets, he staggered along until he walked into a nun.

Dave immediately lunged at her, twisting her arm, he then threw her to the ground

and pinned her down. A few people from a house nearby rushed out to assist the

downed woman. As they pulled Dave off her, he screamed, "I thought you'd be

stronger than that, Batman!"

 

[[pe...]]

Elvis, my pet mouse died today.

He was caught in a trap!

[[sa...]]

These aren't jokes but something my daughters said

One of them would always ask for a bowl of "crappin crunch"

The other wanted to know if she was old enough to shave her "armpimps"

 

LOL, kids are funny

 

[[Wa...]]

A Vacuum cleaner salesman walks into a lady's house and without a

word he starts to empty a huge bag of horse shit onto the floor.

The lady screams in horror and begs him not to do that. The salesman

looks at her and says, "Look lady, what this vacuum cleaner won't pick

up, I'll eat!" The lady looks at him with a grin and replies, "Do you like

sauce on your shit?" We haven't got the power on!"

 

[[pe...]]

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

[[pe...]]

My dancing is so embarrassing.

On Saturday night, I told a load of deaf people to sod off.

[[pe...]]

My mate hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

 

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

[[pe...]]

just took a test on LSD...............

 

an I passed with flying colors.....

[[pe...]]

I have found a great way to get free drinks in my local pub.

All I do is order Baileys, Tomato Juice and Orange Juice to be served in the same glass with 4 straws and 3 umbrellas, then I just stand there holding it all day.

When somebody walks up to the bar, looks at me and says, "What are you drinking Pembs?"

I say, "A pint of lager please."

[[De...]]

I have found a great way to get free drinks in my local pub.

All I do is order Baileys, Tomato Juice and Orange Juice to be served in the same glass with 4 straws and 3 umbrellas, then I just stand there holding it all day.

When somebody walks up to the bar, looks at me and says, "What are you drinking Pembs?"

I say, "A pint of lager please."

 

 

Pembs, your jokes are too funny...keep them coming     

 

Thanks Debbie

[[Be...]]

I always love it when I see you've been in town, Pembs... More please.. :laugh:

[[pe...]]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

 

 

Love Pembs  xxx

[[sa...]]

My mate hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

 

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

magnificent!!! Thanks pembs. Gift of laughter!!!youre awesome!

 

Xoxo

sarah

[[...]]

More Dave Barry

 

Decaf Poopacino  by Dave Barry

 

I have exciting news for anybody who would like to pay a lot of money for coffee that has passed all the way through an animal's digestive tract.

 

And you just know there are plenty of people who would. Specialty coffees are very popular these days, attracting millions of consumers, every single one of whom is standing in line ahead of me whenever I go to the coffee place at the airport to grab a quick cup on my way to catch a plane. These consumers are always ordering mutant beverages with names like ``mocha-almond-honey-vinaigrette lattespressacino,'' beverages that must be made one at a time via a lengthy and complex process involving approximately one coffee bean, three quarts of dairy products and what appears to be a small nuclear reactor.

 

Meanwhile, back in the line, there is growing impatience among those of us who just want a plain old cup of coffee so that our brains will start working and we can remember what our full names are and why we are catching an airplane. We want to strike the lattespressacino people with our carry-on baggage and scream ``GET OUT OF OUR WAY, YOU TREND GEEKS, AND LET US HAVE OUR COFFEE!'' But of course we couldn't do anything that active until we've had our coffee.

 

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles.

 

The reason some of us need coffee is that it contains caffeine, which makes us alert. Of course it is very important to remember that caffeine is a drug, and, like any drug, it is a lot of fun.

 

No! Wait! What I meant to say is: Like any drug, caffeine can have serious side effects if we ingest too much. This fact was first noticed in ancient Egypt when a group of workers, who were supposed to be making a birdbath, began drinking Egyptian coffee, which is very strong, and wound up constructing the pyramids.

 

I myself developed the coffee habit in my early 20s, when, as a ``cub'' reporter for the Daily Local News in West Chester, Pa., I had to stay awake while writing phenomenally boring stories about municipal government. I got my coffee from a vending machine that also sold hot chocolate and chicken-noodle soup; all three liquids squirted out of a single tube, and they tasted pretty much the same. But I came to need that coffee, and even today I can do nothing useful before I've had several cups. (I can't do anything useful afterward, either; that's why I'm a columnist.)

 

 

 

But here's my point: This specialty-coffee craze has gone too far. I say this in light of a letter I got recently from alert reader Bo Bishop. He sent me an invitation he received from a local company to a ``private tasting of the highly prized Luwak coffee,'' which ``at $300 a pound . . . is one of the most expensive drinks in the world.'' The invitation states that this coffee is named for the luwak, a ``member of the weasel family'' that lives on the Island of Java and eats coffee berries; as the berries pass through the luwak, a ``natural fermentation'' takes place, and the berry seeds -- the coffee beans -- come out of the luwak intact. The beans are then gathered, washed, roasted and sold to coffee connoisseurs.

 

The invitation states: ``We wish to pass along this once in a lifetime opportunity to taste such a rarity.''

 

Or, as Bo Bishop put it: ``They're selling processed weasel doodoo for $300 a pound.''

 

I first thought this was a clever hoax designed to ridicule the coffee craze. Tragically, it is not. There really is a Luwak coffee. I know because I bought some from a specialty-coffee company in Atlanta. I paid $37.50 for two ounces of beans. I was expecting the beans to look exotic, considering where they'd been, but they looked like regular coffee beans. In fact, for a moment I was afraid that they were just regular beans, and that I was being ripped off.

 

Then I thought: What kind of world is this when you worry that people might be ripping you off by selling you coffee that was NOT pooped out by a weasel?

 

So anyway, I ground the beans up and brewed the coffee and drank some. You know how sometimes, when you're really skeptical about something, but then you finally try it, you discover that it's really good, way better than you would have thought possible? This is not the case with Luwak coffee. Luwak coffee, in my opinion, tastes like somebody washed a dead cat in it.

 

But I predict it's going to be popular anyway, because it's expensive. One of these days, the people in front of me at the airport coffee place are going to be ordering decaf poopacino. I'm thinking of switching to heroin.

 

[[...]]

Having a no smoking section in a restaurant is like having a no peeing section in a swimming pool.

[[...]]

one more, a true story, before I head off into the sunset....

 

 

[[Ch...]]

lol  his is a great thread!! thanks guys!!

 

[[Wa...]]

What - no jokes lately?

 

A wife went home to her husband and told him she wanted

two thousand dollars for a breast enlargement.

"You want two grand for what?" he replied.

"For a breast enlargement" she replied.

"Listen" said the husband.

"Why don't you wipe toilet paper between your tits every day?"

"Will that make them bigger?" she asked.

Well, it worked for your big ass didn't it!!!" he replied.

[[pe...]]

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

 

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

 

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

 

 

 

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

 

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

 

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole tent."

[[Hj...]]

Hahahahahaha I love it omg I laughed so hard I can't breathe

[[pe...]]

Paddy with two burnt ears went to the Doctors who asked, what happened? The phone rang and I accidentally picked up the iron 'What happened to the other ear'? They called back.

[[Be...]]

Brilliant, Sandy...

 

You always get them just right :laugh: