My setback is making me extremely depressed and not sure what to do

[[Sw...]]

For 7 weeks I’ve been in a wave or a setback. It started with intense anxiety then came tinnitus which has worked its way up to life ending levels. It has calmed down to a degree but it shows no signs of leaving. Everyday it’s here. No days off and even the hours of time would be mild are disappearing. I’m anxious ALL THE TIME and I feel like I’m dying. I’m nauseas, sick to my stomach, gripped with fear, can’t think, can’t focus, can’t function. I’m just trying to survive each day but I feel like this is going to kill me. I’m 12 months out, was making tremendous progress in month 9 then this hit me and now I think I’m done for. I have never been this low in a year and I don’t know how I’m going to pull through this. I pray everyday but here I am, totally effed.

 

i have an almost four month old and a 7 year old and they bring me so much joy and all my fear anxiety and tinnitus I can’t even enjoy my babies. I’m worried about them being hurt by me. I’m faking it every day trying to get through. I feel like my life is falling apart and I don’t know if I’ll survive this. 

[[Le...]]

Everyday you will improve. The despair and fear has a huge effect. You already notice it improving. Everyday you stay calmer for longer and sleep deeper will improve things. 

I am mostly healed but still very easily triggered. I can bring back my T which is 99% gone now just by remembering my first few years of recovery. 

This is likely part of why this problem is such a confusing issue. Many of the things that happen to us can be caused by other things also and definitely are worsened by our emotions. 

[[Ta...]]

1 hour ago, [[S...] said:

For 7 weeks I’ve been in a wave or a setback. It started with intense anxiety then came tinnitus which has worked its way up to life ending levels. It has calmed down to a degree but it shows no signs of leaving. Everyday it’s here. No days off and even the hours of time would be mild are disappearing. I’m anxious ALL THE TIME and I feel like I’m dying. I’m nauseas, sick to my stomach, gripped with fear, can’t think, can’t focus, can’t function. I’m just trying to survive each day but I feel like this is going to kill me. I’m 12 months out, was making tremendous progress in month 9 then this hit me and now I think I’m done for. I have never been this low in a year and I don’t know how I’m going to pull through this. I pray everyday but here I am, totally effed.

i have an almost four month old and a 7 year old and they bring me so much joy and all my fear anxiety and tinnitus I can’t even enjoy my babies. I’m worried about them being hurt by me. I’m faking it every day trying to get through. I feel like my life is falling apart and I don’t know if I’ll survive this. 

Do you know what brought this on? Did something upset you? I think it's absolutely amazing that you are able to "fake it" and take care of your children. You are an incredible Mom! It's extremely important that you take care of yourself. Can someone come and give you a break? Please believe that this set back is only temporary. Your brain is working overtime to balance things out again. It just takes time. You WILL feel better. Soon. Hang in there.

[[...]]

1 hour ago, [[S...] said:

For 7 weeks I’ve been in a wave or a setback. It started with intense anxiety then came tinnitus which has worked its way up to life ending levels. It has calmed down to a degree but it shows no signs of leaving. Everyday it’s here. No days off and even the hours of time would be mild are disappearing. I’m anxious ALL THE TIME and I feel like I’m dying. I’m nauseas, sick to my stomach, gripped with fear, can’t think, can’t focus, can’t function. I’m just trying to survive each day but I feel like this is going to kill me. I’m 12 months out, was making tremendous progress in month 9 then this hit me and now I think I’m done for. I have never been this low in a year and I don’t know how I’m going to pull through this. I pray everyday but here I am, totally effed.

i have an almost four month old and a 7 year old and they bring me so much joy and all my fear anxiety and tinnitus I can’t even enjoy my babies. I’m worried about them being hurt by me. I’m faking it every day trying to get through. I feel like my life is falling apart and I don’t know if I’ll survive this. 

I am in a long setback too and I can relate and completely feel all you said specially about kids and to be honest I was scared to get close to my kid since I had a strange feeling that keep me away from them. But faking is what I did too, at least family don't get hurt. 

Good news, slowly this feeling goes away, I started AD which made things worse for couple of months but some time later the fear of approaching family goes away. 

Some time I think may be I did not appreciate life and my family enough,  which I think I did, but now God wants to show me respect for all we have and to be more thankful than before , when we heal, we know the value of them Much more than the past.

Stay strong, I promise you it will get better, because I m still in same boat as you in a setbackb after 2.5 year off.

All the good vibes and healing to all buddies and you

[[Sw...]]

@[...] what caused your setback? Was it the ADs? I’m so sorry you have had to go through a setback and felt like you should stay away from your children that’s so awful. 
 

yeah I feel like God is working on me through this and refining me but I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. I have no hope left 

[[Sw...]]

1 hour ago, [[T...] said:

Do you know what brought this on? Did something upset you? I think it's absolutely amazing that you are able to "fake it" and take care of your children. You are an incredible Mom! It's extremely important that you take care of yourself. Can someone come and give you a break? Please believe that this set back is only temporary. Your brain is working overtime to balance things out again. It just takes time. You WILL feel better. Soon. Hang in there.

I can think of two things. I started my period since postpartum when this setback occurred. I also smoked a few cigarettes here and there and never did before. But it’s hard to believe a cigarette could cause such hell. I feel like it’s my hormones and I’m broken 

[[Sw...]]

2 hours ago, [[L...] said:

Everyday you will improve. The despair and fear has a huge effect. You already notice it improving. Everyday you stay calmer for longer and sleep deeper will improve things. 

I am mostly healed but still very easily triggered. I can bring back my T which is 99% gone now just by remembering my first few years of recovery. 

This is likely part of why this problem is such a confusing issue. Many of the things that happen to us can be caused by other things also and definitely are worsened by our emotions. 

Thank you. I’d be glad to just get stable. I was right there on the brink of feeling the best since quitting klonopin and then this bad tinnitus cropped up out of nowhere and has persisted and I’m afraid I won’t get better. 

[[...]]

1 hour ago, [[S...] said:

@[...] what caused your setback? Was it the ADs? I’m so sorry you have had to go through a setback and felt like you should stay away from your children that’s so awful. 
 

yeah I feel like God is working on me through this and refining me but I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. I have no hope left 

That lack of hope is something that I had alot till 3 weeks ago too. Just need to go through the days , you need to pass time with any cost...just pass it and don't try to figure out what is going on.

My setback started with severe exercise first that I could control with probiotic,  then big mistakes drink couples of times and then after 2 weeks a big acid reflux started from no where, which i could not eat anything which was mixed with anxiety. I tried all medicines which did not worked, and got worse. then I had to back to AD despite my will,  That had helped me during withdrawal. 

After starting AD I fell inside the main hell,but there was no choice.

Now I am over 7 month and just last few weeks started to see light. Every second and moment of first 6 month was absolute torture with many mental symptoms.

W/D was not fun too but not this bad...

You need to keep going, you have a long rope left but benzo brain tells you the lie.

Don't hesitate to pm message if I could do any help

And remember, healing is warranted...just needs that F time which is super super hard while you are in main hell. 

Watch what you eat , that really important. 

Best of healing to you

Edited Wednesday at 18:44 by [...]

[[Ta...]]

1 hour ago, [[S...] said:

I can think of two things. I started my period since postpartum when this setback occurred. I also smoked a few cigarettes here and there and never did before. But it’s hard to believe a cigarette could cause such hell. I feel like it’s my hormones and I’m broken 

I'm nine weeks off of from taking lorazepam for 20 years.

I was feeling some stability and having some short "windows" when I started putting a tiny bit of vanilla extract in my tea. Several days later I woke up with a full blown HANGOVER! I haven't had a drink in years! Vanilla extract is 35 percent alcohol. 😮

Then I went into the acutest of acute! It's so disappointing! After all the anguish of tapering, and then FINALLY getting off, and still we are so SENSITIVE!!!

I think you are right about the hormones contributing to your flare up, but nicotine is a potent poison (just like alcohol,) and you are apparently still very sensitive!

I feel sad about giving up the extract, but, honestly, I feel so much better without it.

I can imagine that your kids are really beautiful! My daughter used to pick flowers CONSTANTLY when she was little! She always had a little crumpled bouquet in her hands. Look into their lovely eyes, take deep breaths, and enjoy every second with them. You deserve to be happy! 🌷🌻🌹🌼🌺

Edited Wednesday at 18:47 by [Ta...]

[[El...]]

2 hours ago, [[S...] said:

I can think of two things. I started my period since postpartum when this setback occurred. I also smoked a few cigarettes here and there and never did before. But it’s hard to believe a cigarette could cause such hell. I feel like it’s my hormones and I’m broken 

Hi SweetSurrender,

Your post rang a bell, so here I am.

First of all, I'd like to say I wish I could manage to do what you're doing with your children. I have a 3,5 year old boy and I have never been able to care of him properly. You are able to "fake it", despite what you're feeling, it's something great. For months, I haven't been able to be as his side.

My son was born 3 years ago, in April. And everything was perfect during 3 months, until my hormonal cycle restarts. Then, everything fell apart. I didn't know where it came from but I had extreme anxiety spikes several times in the day - and especially at ovulation and before periods - and terrible thoughts about my son (impulse phobia). I was put on different meds that didn't work at first, benzos afterwards, before I found out that I didn't bear my AD anymore (Prozac used during 25 years), and that I had probably been suffering from serotonin syndrom for months. I had to CT Prozac before thinking of quitting benzos. My new hormonal "configuration" wasn't compatible with Prozac.

So yes absolutely, the return of your period may be disturbing enough for your body to raise a setback. Of course it's not sure, but hormones are so potent. It might have raised such an upheaval in your brain that its balance needs a little more time. So it is one obstacle more on your journey. But like for the others, you will get over it.

Keep on walking and do not surrender! You will be better in a while.

Edited Wednesday at 19:45 by [El...]

[[Sw...]]

@[El...] thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry you have been experiencing such grief from your antidepressants. I can assume your story starts then, at 3 months of baby being born. 

when did you realize it was the AD causing the problems?

[[Sw...]]

2 hours ago, [[T...] said:

I can imagine that your kids are really beautiful! My daughter used to pick flowers CONSTANTLY when she was little! She always had a little crumpled bouquet in her hands. Look into their lovely eyes, take deep breaths, and enjoy every second with them. You deserve to be happy! 🌷🌻🌹🌼

[[Sw...]]

What you said brings tears to my eyes. This pain makes it so hard to enjoy these tender and fleeting years. My heart is breaking 

[[Sw...]]

[[Ta...]]

1 hour ago, [[S...] said:

What you said brings tears to my eyes. This pain makes it so hard to enjoy these tender and fleeting years. My heart is breaking 

You are in my prayers, Sweetie. If you can soak in a bubble bath, maybe with some essential oil that you like. Play some soothing music. Go for a walk and maybe have some tea and a favorite scone.🍵 Sit and watch the Fall colors change.🍁 Try to pamper and comfort yourself if you can.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Eileen 

[[Sw...]]

Thank you @[Ta...] 

I appreciate your kindness and suggestions… those are all wonderful and favorite things of mine.  I’ll try to take care of myself. It’s hard when we’re deep in the symptoms to do more than survive 

[[El...]]

10 hours ago, [[S...] said:

@[El...] thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry you have been experiencing such grief from your antidepressants. I can assume your story starts then, at 3 months of baby being born. 

when did you realize it was the AD causing the problems?

Hi SweetSurrender,

Thanks you for asking. From around July 2021 you're right, I ended several times at ER and there was a more clever psychiatrist once, who suspected a Prozac intolerance. It was in February 2024 (I was taking Tranxene to try and smoother crisis). I tried to do without taking it one day or two, and reinstated afterwards. Very quickly, I realized that a few hours after taking the dose, I would face anger and anxiety outbursts... Actually, Prozac saved my life in 1999 and began to destroy it in 2024, before benzos keep on screwing it up.

We have to hang in there.

Edited yesterday at 07:15 by [El...]

[[Bu...]]

Hi @[Sw...]

I just wanted to say hello and that I'm so sorry things are so hard right now.  I don't have any other advice, except to just keep praying and breathing (though I think those are both pretty powerful things) and that I really do think this will get better with time. 

I think you're right about those hormones.  I'm further down the life time-line than you, (late forties, approaching menopause) but I gotta say, these hormone changes are playing hell with my recovery too.  Keeping you in my prayers. ❤

[[Sw...]]

12 hours ago, [[E...] said:

Hi SweetSurrender,

Thanks you for asking. From around July 2021 you're right, I ended several times at ER and there was a more clever psychiatrist once, who suspected a Prozac intolerance. It was in February 2024 (I was taking Tranxene to try and smoother crisis). I tried to do without taking it one day or two, and reinstated afterwards. Very quickly, I realized that a few hours after taking the dose, I would face anger and anxiety outbursts... Actually, Prozac saved my life in 1999 and began to destroy it in 2024, before benzos keep on screwing it up.

We have to hang in there.

Did you feel okay until February 2024 or were you a struggling from July 2021? 
 

how are you doing now?

I am so sorry you can’t enjoy your child the way God intended because of unsuspecting antidepressant side effects/ brain changes. It’s such a cruel thing to happen when you’re just trying to take care of your mind. 
 

[[Sw...]]

3 hours ago, [[B...] said:

Hi @[Sw...]

I just wanted to say hello and that I'm so sorry things are so hard right now.  I don't have any other advice, except to just keep praying and breathing (though I think those are both pretty powerful things) and that I really do think this will get better with time. 

I think you're right about those hormones.  I'm further down the life time-line than you, (late forties, approaching menopause) but I gotta say, these hormone changes are playing hell with my recovery too.  Keeping you in my prayers. ❤

I’m so sorry you’re struggling too. Thank you for the reminder to pray. It can be hard to understand Gods plan in this hardship. The moment I stop believing in hope of recovery I drown. 
 

how do you stay hopeful?

[[El...]]

29 minutes ago, [[S...] said:

Did you feel okay until February 2024 or were you a struggling from July 2021? 
 

how are you doing now?

I am so sorry you can’t enjoy your child the way God intended because of unsuspecting antidepressant side effects/ brain changes. It’s such a cruel thing to happen when you’re just trying to take care of your mind. 
 

Thanks a lot for your support, SweetSurrender.

Honestly, I've been struggling since July 2021. When I realized I was suffering because of my AD, I had already become dependent of benzos that I had to take to survive Prozac and hormonal changes. I think I had maybe had to face tolerance withdrawal, but so difficult to distinguish with serotonin syndrom I was also probably experiencing. I had to stop working, and I am mostly housebound since.

But since I was in benzo withdrawal (39 days), I noticed around 4 windows, and small changes in me that seem to signal improvements. However, my daily life keeps on being a continuous struggle and I'm mostly unfunctional. I'd like to go back to work so that it can stimulate my brain in order to heal quicker, but I'm not sure I will be able to (even from home) and often, I'm losing hope.

Edited 18 hours ago by [El...]

[[Bu...]]

2 hours ago, [[S...] said:

how do you stay hopeful?

@[Sw...],  Staying hopeful can be really hard, I know.  I kind of have the short-view and the long-view about this situation.  The "short" being taking things a day, an hour, or a minute at a time, knowing that I am moving toward healing.  No matter how hard that minute was, I made it through and I'll never have to live that particular minute again.  The "long" is my safety net.  Since my faith teaches belief in heaven after this life, it's ok if this doesn't go the way I want.  I'll get it all back later.  It takes a lot of the stress out of the "what if I don't heal..." thoughts.  I'm not trying to push my beliefs, just saying what helps me.:)