What to do about aggression

[[...]]

This is a very difficult topic to write about and I hope it doesn't trigger anyone but I find myself desperate in my role as carer for my son, who is 22 months off benzos and on no other med whatsoever. He has had the expected improvements and is completely functional after a very hard acute phase last year, which shows his system is getting better.

However, he does have intense bursts of rage which he directs at me, arguing that I am the reason he is still alive (and suffering). When this happens he can break things, lock me out of the house, lock me inside a closet and even throw things at me, punch and kick me. It has come to a point I'm constantly afraid because he is very tall and strong, while I'm about half his weight (I was underweight before and I've lost a lot more in the last 2 years due to stress). It's affecting me physically, my health has deteriorated as well. I have been making a great effort to ignore the cruelty in his words, but it's becoming harder every time as he can turn physical at any moment.

I really don't know how to deal with this, I know any medication could potentially make things worse. I don't know where to seek help, it's like I'm imprisoned in my own home with someone I'm afraid of. And I know this isn't his real personality but I'm still completely heartbroken. 

I don't know what I'm looking for, writing this, but any insights and hope would be appreciated, I don't know what to do anymore.

[[Le...]]

Do you have any options for his living situation other than with you?  I am generally very sympathetic to the victims of these drugs and too often forget the others. There are some things that really are too much for a person to endure. Both of you are experiencing them. 

 

Perhaps someone else has to talk to him to get through that there is a line in the sand he cannot cross despite how he feels. 

[[Ro...]]

[[...]]

7 minutes ago, [[R...] said:

I can believe it's really rough on you.  You mention that he blames you for his suffering.  Do you know what he is suffering from?  Does he have a doctor that you could consult?

I'm thinking he wasn't like this before the benzo.  Did he show any signs of aggression during the earlier acute phase?

It's mainly emotional, his physical symptoms have diminished and are sporadic enough that he can have a relatively normal life. He's been having intrusive thoughts about his ex (this was before benzos) so his reasoning is that if he weren't alive he wouldn't be having all these thoughts and emotions about her so as I'm the one who has cared for him it is somehow my fault.

And no, he wasn't at all like this before the benzos, his friends even described him as a gentle giant. Now the benzos have turned him into a monster and the aggression seems to be increasing.

[[...]]

28 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

Do you have any options for his living situation other than with you?  I am generally very sympathetic to the victims of these drugs and too often forget the others. There are some things that really are too much for a person to endure. Both of you are experiencing them. 

Perhaps someone else has to talk to him to get through that there is a line in the sand he cannot cross despite how he feels. 

Thank you for the acknowledgment, it really is very hard for everyone involved. I can't seem to get through to him that he's crossing the line when he's in an episode of rage. The problem is also that he has become very emotionally dependent on me throughout this hell, and I'm the only one who can talk him out of his anxiety. So there's my having to be there for him vs trying to get out of his way when the rage comes up.

[[Ct...]]

My heart goes out to you, @[...]. From what I have read, anger and rage are somewhat common in withdrawal. On the website Inner Compass, there is a section on Coping Techniques. Within that section, there is a category entitled Controlled Aggression or Destruction. It discusses channeling emotions into activities such as using a punching bag or using a pillow to hit a wall. Is there some way for you to talk to your son about acknowledging his emotions and channeling his aggression in a controlled manner. I’m just brainstorming for something that might help your situation.

Edited Saturday at 19:25 by [Ct...]

[[Le...]]

I am guessing her son has some similarities to me. Emotions are very uncomfortable and difficult to understand. You feel them possibly more strongly than others but cannot cope with them. Likely why I have a harder time dealing with the trauma and him too.

A rational discussion stating that if these lines are crossed he will have to live somewhere else is the way to go. This is a hard one. 

[[je...]]

This is so difficult. I do understand he cannot control his anger and aggression but at the same time I don’t believe it’s okay for you to be abused. Please remember that you matter just as much in this situation. Your needs, your feelings and especially your safety is also important. If it were me I would seriously consider alternative living arrangements. Since he’s directing his anger at you and blaming you, it might be worth it to give it try to see if it will break the cycle. I also understand he relies on you emotionally, but is there any way you can put a plan in place where you can go over and help him with the anxiety but take someone else with you? From what you’ve described it doesn’t sound like you feel safe when he has these fits of rage?

[[...]]

Thank you @[Ct...] @[Le...] @[je...], I can feel your concern.

It is so hard because whenever we've talked about him moving elsewhere he threatens with si. I feel this is all mostly manipulation but you never know, right? So far the only thing that helps somewhat is when my parents come over during his fits of rage, or when my daughter is home. The worst is when the two of us are alone. I'm thinking perhaps a start would be that we never be alone together? It irritantes him at some point when somebody else is with us but perhaps that would show him his actions have consequences? I've always asked them to go away after he's calmed down enough because I'm afraid his irritation will increase, but perhaps the risks of not doing that are worse? He seems so normal and himself when he's not angry that I get fooled into thinking it won't happen again.

As you can see, it's like he's bullied me into doing anything he wants. I'm at a point where I'm constantly afraid and feel physically ill when he begins to raise his voice.

[[Tr...]]

Hello @[...], I am so sorry that you have to suffer like this and that instead of gratitude for saving his life, your son is terrorizing you! 

I am thinking about several things that can improve the situation:

1/ From what you are writing, it is obvious that the nerves of your son have not recovered (seems that he is in protracted withdrawal) and he needs psychological assistance. I would strongly advise to find him a good psychologist and start a psychological therapy to help him get rid of his frustrations, love grief, si and rage.

2/ Are you sure that he is not taking any meds or drugs? You need to check this bery well. Is he drinking? With his nerves being so tense, he should  avoid alcohol, coffee, energy drinks and cigarettes.

3/ Is your son working? Does he have any hobbies. He needs to be productively/creatively/physically active in order to restore his nerves.

4/ If it is not possible to live separately, I would advise to avoid as much as possible being alone with him or even talking to him until he has managed to have his nerves under control.

I hope and pray that your son will get the needed professional psychological help and that he never treats you in an abusive way again! 
🍀🙏❤️

Edited Tuesday at 10:57 by [Tr...]

[[Tr...]]

Please find below the links to two great self-helf books which could be very helpful to your son. He can read just the chapters that concern him.

 

Hope and help for your nerves.

https://www.amazon.com.be/-/en/Claire-Weekes/dp/0593201906/ref=sr_1_1?crid=16WQJ5LNB6A02&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.e3nrg5PXlbTsPLRpwR7UwlXj0hG8f6x-7ZaI0KFvCJ1YB53fG55GRXe34Hd8GtgAiDLzWgSSSYDeAqwDwOzNBu1FqBEU0L3GiUzvX79u6pzOVzS6SqZkjzNgaJeV7IYArIvj2LZVwnIw-d8m2hHiDTLr51gNYMPnxkogexdyIF9RUtF3Lv6Cp8dgRjVerXvb1S_xINGPoHi-iYHjLkGJmsAgu4eGZ0nz6DRxlsFQkLA.3EgiaT7DlxZXEhonkPUcpmkHEoU_tRXIvw_zZ3S7IA8&dib_tag=se&keywords=claire+weekes&qid=1727087486&s=books&sprefix=claire+weekes%2Cstripbooks%2C66&sr=1-1

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Made Simple: 10 Strategies for Managing Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Panic and Worry

https://www.amazon.com.be/dp/1529336481?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_fed_asin_title

 

Edited Monday at 15:20 by [Tr...]

[[...]]

@[Tr...] thank you for your suggestions, as for your question 2) I'm 100% sure he isn't taking any of those things, the only thing he has taken in the past 22 months is vit b12. The only possibility is that he might have taken more than one daily dose some time if he forgot he'd taken it already, so I've decided I'll be in charge of giving it to him. That's the only thing I can think of that might've affected his nerves.

As for 3), he's in university so he is busy with that and is capable of studying now, although I have to stay in the neighborhood when he goes to his classes because that seems to help his anxiety. He's had some social phobia a while back but is capable of interacting with his peers and professors now. The rest of the time he spends working out in his home gym and sleeps many hours, more than before his benzo harm (10+). So there's not much enjoyment for now.

I'll look for the books you suggested.

[[...]]

@[Tr...] also, I've suggested psychological therapy to him but he is very reluctant because he has had bad experiences with psychologists in the past. But that was probably because he was already suffering from the benzo harm and they had no idea, nobody did.

[[Tr...]]

Hello @[...], thank you for your reply and the additional information. 

A. It is great that your son is studying at the university, but perhaps the need to read a lot, take exams and be with other people is putting too much strain on his not completely recovered nerves. I see that you love him so much that you stay in the neighbourhood! Compliments! I would advise that he tries to avoid stressing  about the university lectures/classes/exams in order ro spare his and your nerves. I know that exam periods can be very hard on the nerves, but he should realise that his mental stability is more important than the good grades. On the other hand, it is good that he goes to classes, because exposure is a proven way of getting rid of agoraphobia. 

B. Psychological therapy is extremely important for him. I am alive thanks to my husband and my psychologist. I changed 4 psychologist before I found the right one in a Facebook group about Panick attacks. We talk every week via Messenger. She asked me to write a daily diary in which to jot down:

1/ Three things for which I am grateful;

2/ My priorities for the day;

3/ My small pleasures for the day, like sudoku, watching Friends, reading a magazine/book, eating water melon, etc.;

4/ How did I feel on a scale of 100%

5/ What were my symptoms, measured on a scale from 1 to 10: e.g. hours of sleep, how many times did I wake up, dizzinees (I am dizzy when standing and walking for already 8 months), strenght, fatigue, anxiety, irritabilty, crying, etc.

6/ Three good things of the day;

7/ Three things I should change tomorrow;

At the end of every month I fill in a questionaire to measure my progress with dealing with depression and anxiety. 

When looking for a psychologist, it is important to check that they are experienced in treating people with anxiety, depression, anger issues. Continue looking, till you find the right one.

C. And lastly, but extremely important: help him to plan things that will bring him enjoyment. This is very important!!! Visiting places, being in the nature, eating delicious food, driving on panoramic roads, having a good chat/meeting with a friend, etc. He needs to have something pleasant to look forward every week/weekend!

I pray and hope that this additional information will help you and that your son would continue to recover swiftly and will realize how grateful he should be to you! 

 

 

 

Edited Monday at 16:32 by [Tr...]

[[Id...]]

[[El...]]

2 hours ago, [[I...] said:

 

Hi,

Given what I have been living for 3 years (stopped AD in March, benzos in mid-September), I'm unfortunately well-placed to talk about that matter from a specific point of view, the one who happens to be aggressive.

No matter what I read about emerging agression during meds use or withdrawal (impossible, meds have only raised some inner trait), I had never been like that until I have quitted Prozac at first, benzos secondly. 

What is sure, Bmum - and this is not an attack, for sure - is that no, your son is not already fully functional. Yes, he seems to be socially functional,which is great (I haven't been able to work for 3 years, and when it will be possible I will know I'm almost healed!), but those fits of rage show that his brain has not wholly recovered. There is no reason at all to consider psychic symptoms as secondary ones (for me, when my physical symptoms alleviate, the psychic ones take over).

Nevertheless, I agree with the fact that you can't live feeling unsecure. You're both victims here. If I'm not mistaken, you had previously said that your son sometimes came not to be aware of what he did. I do not think it's not the truth - doesn't mean he does not retrieve his temporary lost lucidity after crisis. Following what you had described, he even acknowledged, maybe feeling guilty. Nobody talks about control, here. but it' all a matter of control. And disrupted brain is able to make somebody out of control. I experienced it.

Pychological support would be indeed part of the solution, since it would give him the means of coping with this lack of self-control when he's going through the fits of rage. And yet, that's the only issue, you would feel safer.

 

Edited Monday at 20:02 by [El...]

[[OD...]]

I'd be very weary of everything he may be consuming, because it's things that might not even cross your mind. We often think of vitamins, supplements, and caffeine... the obvious ones... but it never crossed my mind that a few sips of tea or some cookies (sugar) could trigger these swings for me.

I was having anger outbursts, crying spells, and quite frankly on the verge of assaulting someone at times,  but eliminating as many things as possible has helped significantly. It's a work in progress, just recently I've realized that table salt (which contains iodine, which stimulates thyroid production) sends me into an almost manic episode, switching to Himalayan salt completely took care of that. It's a lot of work but for me it has made a huge difference.

[[El...]]

Hi ODY,

May I ask how long you have been suffering from anger outbursts? Do they sometimes last several days? Are you doing better now?

[[...]]

On 21/10/2024 at 19:47, [[O...] said:

I'd be very weary of everything he may be consuming, because it's things that might not even cross your mind. We often think of vitamins, supplements, and caffeine... the obvious ones... but it never crossed my mind that a few sips of tea or some cookies (sugar) could trigger these swings for me.

I was having anger outbursts, crying spells, and quite frankly on the verge of assaulting someone at times,  but eliminating as many things as possible has helped significantly. It's a work in progress, just recently I've realized that table salt (which contains iodine, which stimulates thyroid production) sends me into an almost manic episode, switching to Himalayan salt completely took care of that. It's a lot of work but for me it has made a huge difference.

Thank you, he had actually added some things he doesn't normally eat and this seems to have increased aggressive moods in the last couple of weeks, I hope it'll mellow down now that he stopped eating them. At least he's aware enough that he can talk about it.

[[El...]]

[[...]]

@[El...], he was eating extremely clean and vegan, by which I mean lots of fruits, vegetables, soy, homemade plant based milk (oats, almond, soy, walnut, coconut) so without any additives,tofu, home made seitan and basically everything made from scratch. 

A few weeks ago he began to add more processed things, like (vegan) hotdogs, burgers, nuggets, cheese, which have a lot of additives and might have had vitamin D. And also things with (little) bits of chocolate in them. I think the chocolate might have been too much, although it really was a very small amount. He told me he began to feel like he's being electrocuted physically and emotionally filled with despair and rage and that he never wants to eat those things again. The last few days his anger has sudsided so we may be onto something (or not, but oh well).

Anyway I'm not saying you should change to a plant based diet, I know it's different for everyone, but it was very noticeable that his rage has been growing together with the addition of different, more processed foods. I think it's also important to consider if the food is easy to digest for your particular system.

[[El...]]