Anyone else start off with Analogs ?

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I started my Benzo hell journey using black market benzo analogs. Etizolam, Clonazolam and Diclazolam. I was completely unaware of the dangers and risks of how bad and for how long this could effect me plus I was dealing with very extreme life circumstances that prevented me from caring until I was in far too deep. I believe this is why when I sought medical help to get off after realizing I was in trouble and couldn't do it alone I was not only treated horribly but the clinic I went to initially was considered a gold standard in addiction medicine and specialized in getting people off of substances or so I thought. The Dr had zero idea what a benzo analog even was even though I brought in what I was using daily for over 3 years in large amounts she made a terrible miscalculated error to do a direct crossover to 5 mg of Valium. I am now aware it should have been 80! I cannot describe the nightmare that I have endured the last 16 months. I could have taken analogs again but I was determined to stop and had no idea how bad this could be for the duration and after the 3rd week I was far too sick and far too out of it to even think that far. What I have been through and talking to several Doctors and researching myself I have realized no one even knows that I can find personally anything that comes close to understanding what benzo analogs actually are and how potent they are more less the proper conversion rates or how severe coming off of them can be. I am now tapering still 16 mod later stuck at 2 mg Valium still a fraction of the person I was barely functional. Is there anyone else in here that got into this mess on analogs or understands what I'm talking about ? I am going to get into raising awareness about this when I make it out the other side because every benzo being consumed on the street rn is an analog and neither the ppl taking them or any Dr I can find has an understanding of the gravity of how these designer benzos effect people 

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@[...],

 I don't know anything about benzo analogs, but I'm not surprised that you had such a hard time finding a doctor to help you, as most doctors are uneducated about the prescription benzos that they themselves prescribe.   

I'm sorry things have been so rough.  How's the taper going now?

I think it's a very noble goal to raise awareness about the dangers of benzos, whatever kind they are.

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4 hours ago, [[B...] said:

@[...],

 I don't know anything about benzo analogs, but I'm not surprised that you had such a hard time finding a doctor to help you, as most doctors are uneducated about the prescription benzos that they themselves prescribe.   

I'm sorry things have been so rough.  How's the taper going now?

I think it's a very noble goal to raise awareness about the dangers of benzos, whatever kind they are.

Thank you. I apologize for asking to reach out to people personally my new psychiatrist told me to I didn't know that was a rule I apologize I appreciate this community cuz I've never felt so alone in my entire life. My taper is going better than it has so far since I have been stablizing at a higher milligram I basically nearly cold turkey on my switch off to far too low a dose of Valium with no step down so I think I've had multiple factors at once making this extremely difficult. I am scared to start going again in fear of becoming that sick again but right now I am feeling much better I still am far from a normal functioning person but I can shower and cook I still don't feel like myself like I lost myself my mind feels like scrambled eggs I can't focus to complete simple household tasks or keep anything straight I've gained 50 lbs have agoraphobia still going on but these things are a pretty major improvement from where I was not long ago and I'm greatful for the break and breath .. My new Dr told me I needed to take a UA as the law requires when he took over my care and today was my second appointment with him he said no benzos showed up in my UA which made me feel like he didn't believe me I was taking my meds ? I don't know how that could be possible ?? I CANNOT and HAVE NOT missed one pill in 16 mos so now I feel unsafe and misunderstood again with my 3rd Dr so far has anyone ever had that happen before ? I take 2mg of Valium daily ? Like what ?? I was treated so horribly not believed and forced down into hell by previous providers 90% of my anxiety is around the fear of that happening again. I have no one to talk to about this so I just spin it around in my head and I'm going crazy. Nothing makes me miss my friends more who are no longer here than going through this alone and can't even call them. My mother is "punishing me" very childishly for getting into this situation but I'm in her house unable to work or function so I see her side but same time I can't handle being punished for this on top of enduring it and I have no where else to go. Like for breaks I go to the park I have not even one other place I can go even for an hour. I feel crushed devastated and too unstable to trust my own my own mind to fix it and get through this alone in my room. Im overwhelmed with guilt for my children having to see their mom like this and loose everything over a really bad choice I wish I had understood what benzos were capable of as I'm sure we all were. So I'm doing better but still just trying to make it through each day in Shame cuz I'm still not even able to do basic housework more less be a person 

[[Bu...]]

@[...], No worries, and I am so glad that you found us and are a part of our community.  

I'm also happy to hear that your feeling a little better, a little more stable.  Sometimes, it just takes a lot of time for things to settle down.    

I know what you mean about the "scrambled eggs" brain.  I am just coming out of a 3-4ish month stretch of that.  I was commenting on someone else's thread about it yesterday.  For months, I would point at things and tell my husband "that thing" because I just couldn't think straight at all.  That will get better too, with time.  

I don't recall any mentions at the moment of benzos not showing up in UA, but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened.  You might want to start a thread in the "Benzodiazepine withdrawal, use an recovery" forum asking just this question.  You might get some replies there to a specific question. 

And I know how difficult family can be during this.  I am very fortunate to have a supportive husband, but the rest of our family just makes this all so much worse.  And, yes, many of them treat me as if there is something wrong with me for not being able to speed the process up or think that I must be exaggerating how hard this is.  I am also so very grateful for this community.

As for your children, what they can see here is their mom taking responsibility for her mistake and fighting to make it right for them, not matter how hard it is.  Not a bad thing for them to see. ❤

And I was wondering if your doctor is letting you hold your dose for a while until you improve a bit more?

 

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On 02/10/2024 at 13:47, [[B...] said:

@[...], No worries, and I am so glad that you found us and are a part of our community.  

I'm also happy to hear that your feeling a little better, a little more stable.  Sometimes, it just takes a lot of time for things to settle down.    

I know what you mean about the "scrambled eggs" brain.  I am just coming out of a 3-4ish month stretch of that.  I was commenting on someone else's thread about it yesterday.  For months, I would point at things and tell my husband "that thing" because I just couldn't think straight at all.  That will get better too, with time.  

I don't recall any mentions at the moment of benzos not showing up in UA, but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened.  You might want to start a thread in the "Benzodiazepine withdrawal, use an recovery" forum asking just this question.  You might get some replies there to a specific question. 

And I know how difficult family can be during this.  I am very fortunate to have a supportive husband, but the rest of our family just makes this all so much worse.  And, yes, many of them treat me as if there is something wrong with me for not being able to speed the process up or think that I must be exaggerating how hard this is.  I am also so very grateful for this community.

As for your children, what they can see here is their mom taking responsibility for her mistake and fighting to make it right for them, not matter how hard it is.  Not a bad thing for them to see. ❤

And I was wondering if your doctor is letting you hold your dose for a while until you improve a bit more?

Thank you SO much for your kind words 💗 I thought I had replied to this but I don't see it and can't remember cuz I have scrambled egg brain lol yes my Dr is keeping me at 2 mg for now to give me a break. I want off so bad but at the same time telling me I have to go back to my plethora of symptoms and be bed ridden again is like putting me out from being burned alive the telling me sorry we have to douse you in gas and light you on fire again .. that's literally the level of anxiety I have around it. My new Dr said once I get a break he wants to cut me 5% "and just see" well I tried that from this mg before and I couldn't walk to the shower for 5 months so I have to question the rationality of trying again ? I think I'd rather try a micro taper of some kind currently trying to figure what I should do. I really appreciate your kindness 🌹 How long have you been tapering ? What are you doing if you don't mind me asking ? 

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Hey @[...]

I'm so glad you're getting to hold for a while.  Often if you hold a dose long enough, your symptoms will settle down and then you can move forward at a much slower rate and keep those really severe symptoms from coming back.  The idea here is to keep you functional while you taper.   Have you tried a 5% cut before?  If it is too much you can certainly try a microtaper.

I have been completely off all meds for a little over 13 months.  I did a pretty bad taper, because my doctor had no idea how to do this and I hadn't found this site yet.  I didn't know to slow down when things got really bad, I thought it was inevitable.   I am so much better than I was at this time last year.  I barely remember last September.  It's just a blur of insomnia, pain and misery.  But it's over now and I'm slowly healing.  So, I promise you, it really does get better.

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6 hours ago, [[B...] said:

Hey @[...]

I'm so glad you're getting to hold for a while.  Often if you hold a dose long enough, your symptoms will settle down and then you can move forward at a much slower rate and keep those really severe symptoms from coming back.  The idea here is to keep you functional while you taper.   Have you tried a 5% cut before?  If it is too much you can certainly try a microtaper.

I have been completely off all meds for a little over 13 months.  I did a pretty bad taper, because my doctor had no idea how to do this and I hadn't found this site yet.  I didn't know to slow down when things got really bad, I thought it was inevitable.   I am so much better than I was at this time last year.  I barely remember last September.  It's just a blur of insomnia, pain and misery.  But it's over now and I'm slowly healing.  So, I promise you, it really does get better.

That is Amazing! Thank you so much for sharing that with me! 💗💗💗 I did the same thing with my Dr the first year I know exactly the position you were in. I really admire you for pushing through it and making it! That's huge!! That really gives me a lot of hope and encouragement. I think I have felt the range of what many of the severe symptoms are already and most for several months so I kind of know what to expect .. I think. Never know with this. Hoping I can do it without it getting that bad for months again. I have tried a 5% cut from this dose and it was really hard and 5 months I didn't improve but I also was already going too fast and not stable when I did it so I suppose it could be reasonable to try cut and hold there after feeding better for a moment ? Maybe it would be different idk. It really puts my anxiety at ease to hear you say I even "could" get off and be better 🙏 Where I'm at right now it feels like an unattainable thing. So I will hold onto that. Did you have psychological or cognitive function problems like depersonalization/agoraphobia/saying the wrong things/emotional outbursts/inability to motivate start or complete tasks be it clean your room or go to the store ? Stuff like that ? If so could I ask if that kind of genre of symptoms improved along with the physical stuff ? Cuz rn my physical symptoms are much much better but my mental stuff is still totally destroyed.. I'm concerned even if I feel better off I won't be the same I won't find and get back to myself or be able to think and rebuild my life ? I have tons of guilt humiliation and Shane right now for this even happening it's overwhelming.. I'm so embarrassed and feel like a failure. I can't do anything but exsist Thank you for your reassurance that I can do this and I will be ok sometimes I am confident of that and other moments it's hard to trust that as truth as I'm sure it is for all of us. Appreciate you. 🌹💗

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On 04/10/2024 at 20:16, [[B...] said:

I think that is a reasonable thing to try.  If it doesn't work you can always slow down and do the microtapering.  This whole process is a lot of trial and error, finding what works to eventually reach the goal of getting off.  There is no "right way" for everyone; it's a very individual process.

And, don't worry, I know this seems pretty impossible when your in the middle of it, but there are many, many people here who are off and never thought they'd get there, either.  At about the middle of my taper, when my insomnia really kicked in, I thought I would never get there, but here I am.  You'll get there too!

Yes to all of those!  I dealt with them during the taper, and again because I think my taper was so bad, it got worse after I was off.  Now those things, like all my symptoms, are following the typical "waves and widows" pattern of symptoms that we so often see.  Things come and then go away.  Sometimes they come back, but when they do, they are less intense and don't last as long.   I had a long wave of cognitive issues (memory problems, language issues, feeling like a part of my brain was just closed off) that started around the end of May/beginning of June that really started to improve around the beginning of September and is much better now. 

And it seems like guilt, shame, humiliation are things we all wrestle with, regardless of how we got here.  Part of  what withdrawal does is make it really hard to see anything positive.  We all seem to fixate to some degree on the negative.  It also causes a lot of intrusive thoughts and memories, and most of the time they are not good thoughts.  But this gets better with time too.  So just keep asking for reassurance here with whatever is bothering you, we all need it.  I still need to hear if often, too. 

Thank you so much. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️