When will this end?

[[Ki...]]

I’m 26 months out (which when I say it out loud it doesn’t feel real) but I keep finding myself coming back to sites like this or withdrawal coaches for reassurance because nothing that anybody says about recovery seems to apply to me. 95% of the time I’m in a serious wave and the waves get progressively worse and longer over time. And no it isn’t that I’m over thinking it or can’t remember acute etc, I am still getting noticeably worse over time. The chemical depression/anxiety, nerve burning/nerve pain, cognitive impairment, PSSD symptoms etc all get worse with each wave and the rest of my issues like brain zaps, looping thoughts, head pressure, tinnitus, GI issues, insomnia, skin problems etc all have stayed roughly the same for the last 2 years. I don’t get “windows” anymore, they stopped at around 12 months. They weren’t really windows, far from it, but from an emotional point of view I was not like this. Honestly I’d much rather be where I was a year ago, I’d bite your hand off to be where I was a year ago.

Can somebody please reassure me that I will recover, that they’ve seen people get worse for over 2 years and actually started to heal. And I don’t mean have a particularly bad wave at 2 years, I mean for over 2 years their symptoms have worsened consistently.

When I ask this question I never seem to get a straight answer from anybody. This is even more concerning to me now that when I first started this journey everyone said everyone recovers 100%, I was told that it isn’t possible for these drugs to have truly permanent effects, but the further along I get the more I’m now told that actually most people recover but there are some that don’t fully. It’s almost as if you’re fed the standard spiel in the hopes you’re part of the majority that do recover but when they find out that you’re actually a severe case that’s when they then backtrack and give you the truth. I think I find this harder than being told the truth from the start because I now feel like I’ve got to face the trauma of realising I won’t get back to fully normal which is what I was convinced would be the case.

I’m in a particularly rough period right now and just in desperate need of some reassurance 😣

[[de...]]

@[Ki...] So sorry you are in a rough spot.  I assure you this is not permanent.  You will recover, but it might take longer than you want.  I know people talk about waves getting easier with time, but that has certainly not been my experience.  You are healing.  The waves are part of the healing process.  Remember, everyone is different.  No two cases are the same.  There is some anecdotal evidence of certain patterns, but these may not be how you heal!  

[[Ye...]]

Hi @[Ki...], I can tell you that 18 months ago I stopped taking klonopin (rivotril) cold turkey and since then my chemical anxiety has been just as bad and hasn't improved at all since then. 18 months in which I have hardly been able to leave the house due to this anxiety and in which I have never had any window.

Can I ask you how your anxiety feels and to what extent is it a problem for you?

I also wanted to ask you how you sleep at night and if you are taking any other pills of any kind.

 

 

P.S. nothing lasts forever, hang in there, it will end 👍🏻

Edited September 21 by [Ye...]

[[Ki...]]

On 21/09/2024 at 23:37, [[d...] said:

@[Ki...] So sorry you are in a rough spot.  I assure you this is not permanent.  You will recover, but it might take longer than you want.  I know people talk about waves getting easier with time, but that has certainly not been my experience.  You are healing.  The waves are part of the healing process.  Remember, everyone is different.  No two cases are the same.  There is some anecdotal evidence of certain patterns, but these may not be how you heal!  

Thank you - I just can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel it’s so difficult every day and at this far out it gets very difficult to see anything other than the prolonged suffering. Are you seeing any improvement at all?

[[Ki...]]

On 21/09/2024 at 23:53, [[Y...] said:

Hi @[Ki...], I can tell you that 18 months ago I stopped taking klonopin (rivotril) cold turkey and since then my chemical anxiety has been just as bad and hasn't improved at all since then. 18 months in which I have hardly been able to leave the house due to this anxiety and in which I have never had any window.

Can I ask you how your anxiety feels and to what extent is it a problem for you?

I also wanted to ask you how you sleep at night and if you are taking any other pills of any kind.

P.S. nothing lasts forever, hang in there, it will end 👍🏻

Thank you for your reply - So I’ll have a day or two per month where I feel slightly better but my waves always follow the same pattern. Initially my anxiety hits me hard at the beginning, like every little thing makes me anxious and my thoughts go so incredibly fast. That then morphs into severe depression along with the looping thoughts which can make me bed bound for weeks. I cannot explain how dark this gets and the SI is very strong. The physical symptoms like tinnitus, head pressure, burning all ramp up until I can’t bare it and then within the space of 12-24 hours it improves and I get that relief for a day or two. Then the cycle repeats.

I can usually manage 5-6 hours sleep a night now although in the wave it can turn to 1-2, in acute I was sleeping less than an hour some nights though. I’m not currently taking any other pills either, wouldn’t touch anything again with a 10ft barge pole after what this has done to be honest. 
 

Have you seen any improvement at all since you stopped or noticed a pattern with your symptoms?

[[de...]]

@[Ki...] Yes, I have definitely seen improvement, but around the two year mark was very tough for me.  As you know, this process is not linear.  I have been at this a while, and I would say I was doing better last year than this year!  It just doesn't make sense!   All the while we are healing even if it feels as if we are going "backwards".  This is such a difficult season, but you will heal!