Done and DONE; A Long Awaited Ending to Klonopin Dependence

[[sl...]]

Hello, my name is @[sl...]. My initial story and some progress updates are here. In summary, I used a daily micro taper (DMT) to go from 2mg/day to 0.05mg/day over 3.5 years. I used a patient-led approach with functionality goals, and overall I was very successful at reducing my dosage this way. My issues began when I reached around 0.125mg/day after 3 years of tapering, and I began struggling with some combination of an overly rapid final taper schedule and the development of tolerance withdrawal. Things got weird at the end.

This spring when I realized something was wrong I spent about 3 months trying to stabilize, doing things which in hindsight only made everything worse (multiple significant updoses, new medication trials, etc), and it got to the point where I was so messed up and panicked all the time that I was at risk of harming myself. At that point, and really far too late if I'm being honest, I quit the clonazepam entirely. I jumped off of 0.125mg/day. Quitting gave me an almost immediate clarity of purpose and a temporary reduction in symptoms.

The same day I quit I went to a detox facility; I surrendered my taper plan, my self-led approach, and my desperation to avoid suffering. I accepted that this would be painful and I would not be in control; I focused on survival and prayer. As a result, I did a 6-day phenobarbital "taper", and came out in rather rough shape. I was suicidal, disoriented, and in a lot of pain and emotional distress. I was at home after detox for six days but I couldn't take the massive waves of panic I was going through, so I got myself into a 30-day residential program at a recovery center with an outdoor campus.

It's hard to summarize what the recovery center was like; it was intense and immersive. I went through four weeks of fairly acute withdrawal symptoms, but as the days passed I saw gradual improvements. My suicidality was the first thing I noticed improving. Over a couple weeks the headaches and severe body pain lessened, the body buzzing and POTS lessened, my sleep very slowly improved. I had very obvious waves and windows; sometimes I was feeling perfectly normal, and then five minutes later I'd be in gut-wrenching pain, or terror, or both. Eating a protein meal often helped. I made an effort to spend time every day lying in bed and giving full attention to my symptoms; I let them wash over me, and it was very difficult, but afterwards I found the rest of the day much less symptomatic. My theory was that by staying calm in my mind through the symptoms, I was telling my nervous system that it was confused to be so agitated and to re-calibrate to being more calm.

I also made it my goal to stay off any new prescription medications after detox, and with the grace of God I succeeded. When I rode home after 30-days at the recovery center, I found that I was much more improved than I could have hoped. While I would still have waves of pain and panic, I could drive, I could eat normally, sleep all night, and have great sex! I felt better than I had in many years, and week by week I continued to stabilize and recover.

I've been off of clonazepam for 3 months now. Today I take zero medications, have only the most minor withdrawal symptoms, and I am making steady progress to be a part of the world again! I've had to admit to myself that I've been agoraphobic for a long time now, and struggling with a panic disorder. But the journey of the last four years taught me that exposure therapy is the only thing that seems to make a lasting long-term reduction in my anxiety. So every day I drive somewhere, meet people, go to meetings, and "stay calm in my mind through the symptoms". Slowly and steadily, I am seeing improvements.

And so it continues. Thanks BB for being a place for a miserable benzo dependent to rant and serve. While I haven't gotten as much from these forum boards as some folks, I learned an incredible amount about tapering here. Information that is represented no where else on the web. If I could give one piece of advice to anyone going through this it is: to expect miracles. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real, and nothing made that more obvious to me than acute withdrawal. There is life beyond these drugs, and while I strongly advocate for patient-led tapering, I can see now that I needed to take a step at the end to spirit-led tapering. Surrender is what got me through the worse of this, and I intend to keep surrendering for life continues to have it's bumps and I continue to remain a foolish human.

Safe travels!

[[...]]

Thank you for sharing, @[sl...]! That's a really tough way of healing but i think sometimes it's the only way to get through this ordeal and start enjoying life again. Just sincerely impressed with your reasoning and fortitude.

Wish you complete healing and good great Luck!

[[Co...]]

19 hours ago, [[s...] said:

This spring when I realized something was wrong I spent about 3 months trying to stabilize, doing things which in hindsight only made everything worse (multiple significant updoses, new medication trials, etc), and it got to the point where I was so messed up and panicked all the time that I was at risk of harming myself. At that point, and really far too late if I'm being honest, I quit the clonazepam entirely. I jumped off of 0.125mg/day. Quitting gave me an almost immediate clarity of purpose and a temporary reduction in symptoms.

Hi @[sl...]

It has been quite a while since we communicated. You seem to be doing well now. I know, not completely over the hump, but at least more on the flat - you'll be freewheeling soon!

Yes, too often people can fixate on completing a schedule. If the schedule is very long, it can be counterproductive - at least for some. Taking a flexible approach must include possibility to decide that enough is enough and it is time (for 'me') to get off.

Thank you for taking the trouble to write up your Success Story for other members - this very helpful. Keep in touch and let us know if there is anything we can do to help you. You will be back to 100% before you know it.

[[Pa...]]

20 hours ago, [[s...] said:

While I haven't gotten as much from these forum boards as some folks, I learned an incredible amount about tapering here.

You may not have gotten much from these boards but you gave a great deal!  So many members depended on your calm and thorough explanations of your process and they benefitted from it, thank you for all you did.

I'm so happy you made the decision to let go and find freedom, it takes a lot of courage to change course like that knowing what waited for you was intense pain but you trusted your body to come out whole on the other side and you did.

Thank you for reaching out and writing your story, I know members will be cheering your good fortune. 

[[Ta...]]

On 18/09/2024 at 18:01, [[s...] said:

Hello, my name is @[sl...]. My initial story and some progress updates are here. In summary, I used a daily micro taper (DMT) to go from 2mg/day to 0.05mg/day over 3.5 years. I used a patient-led approach with functionality goals, and overall I was very successful at reducing my dosage this way. My issues began when I reached around 0.125mg/day after 3 years of tapering, and I began struggling with some combination of an overly rapid final taper schedule and the development of tolerance withdrawal. Things got weird at the end.

This spring when I realized something was wrong I spent about 3 months trying to stabilize, doing things which in hindsight only made everything worse (multiple significant updoses, new medication trials, etc), and it got to the point where I was so messed up and panicked all the time that I was at risk of harming myself. At that point, and really far too late if I'm being honest, I quit the clonazepam entirely. I jumped off of 0.125mg/day. Quitting gave me an almost immediate clarity of purpose and a temporary reduction in symptoms.

The same day I quit I went to a detox facility; I surrendered my taper plan, my self-led approach, and my desperation to avoid suffering. I accepted that this would be painful and I would not be in control; I focused on survival and prayer. As a result, I did a 6-day phenobarbital "taper", and came out in rather rough shape. I was suicidal, disoriented, and in a lot of pain and emotional distress. I was at home after detox for six days but I couldn't take the massive waves of panic I was going through, so I got myself into a 30-day residential program at a recovery center with an outdoor campus.

It's hard to summarize what the recovery center was like; it was intense and immersive. I went through four weeks of fairly acute withdrawal symptoms, but as the days passed I saw gradual improvements. My suicidality was the first thing I noticed improving. Over a couple weeks the headaches and severe body pain lessened, the body buzzing and POTS lessened, my sleep very slowly improved. I had very obvious waves and windows; sometimes I was feeling perfectly normal, and then five minutes later I'd be in gut-wrenching pain, or terror, or both. Eating a protein meal often helped. I made an effort to spend time every day lying in bed and giving full attention to my symptoms; I let them wash over me, and it was very difficult, but afterwards I found the rest of the day much less symptomatic. My theory was that by staying calm in my mind through the symptoms, I was telling my nervous system that it was confused to be so agitated and to re-calibrate to being more calm.

I also made it my goal to stay off any new prescription medications after detox, and with the grace of God I succeeded. When I rode home after 30-days at the recovery center, I found that I was much more improved than I could have hoped. While I would still have waves of pain and panic, I could drive, I could eat normally, sleep all night, and have great sex! I felt better than I had in many years, and week by week I continued to stabilize and recover.

I've been off of clonazepam for 3 months now. Today I take zero medications, have only the most minor withdrawal symptoms, and I am making steady progress to be a part of the world again! I've had to admit to myself that I've been agoraphobic for a long time now, and struggling with a panic disorder. But the journey of the last four years taught me that exposure therapy is the only thing that seems to make a lasting long-term reduction in my anxiety. So every day I drive somewhere, meet people, go to meetings, and "stay calm in my mind through the symptoms". Slowly and steadily, I am seeing improvements.

And so it continues. Thanks BB for being a place for a miserable benzo dependent to rant and serve. While I haven't gotten as much from these forum boards as some folks, I learned an incredible amount about tapering here. Information that is represented no where else on the web. If I could give one piece of advice to anyone going through this it is: to expect miracles. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real, and nothing made that more obvious to me than acute withdrawal. There is life beyond these drugs, and while I strongly advocate for patient-led tapering, I can see now that I needed to take a step at the end to spirit-led tapering. Surrender is what got me through the worse of this, and I intend to keep surrendering for life continues to have it's bumps and I continue to remain a foolish human.

Safe travels!

I was on lorazepam for 20 years. I began my tapering journey in April 2020. In June of this year, the drug  became paradoxical - I had no choice but to jump off. I've been completely off for one month, and was doing okay until I tried some substances that I read about on here: nicotine (gum) and CBD. I had a terrible reaction to both, but it feels like the CBD just about killed me.

This resulted in a few "nights of the living dead! " I was really tempted to take just a tiny bit of lorazepam, telling myself "it's just a rescue dose." But I didn't do it! Or I haven't yet, anyway. This is a "one day at at time" journey for me.

Your post was very encouraging. Thank you. Especially the part about having "great sex!" I can only pray that that's in the cards for me. 🌷

Edited September 20 by [Ta...]

[[sl...]]

Thank you @[...], @[Co...], and @[Pa...] for your replies! And for being here so consistently for myself and our buddies. I admire and appreciate your service.

 

On 19/09/2024 at 18:26, [[T...] said:

This resulted in a few "nights of the living dead! " I was really tempted to take just a tiny bit of lorazepam, telling myself "it's just a rescue dose." But I didn't do it! Or I haven't yet, anyway. This is a "one day at at time" journey for me.

@[Ta...] Congrats on being done with lorazepam; I'm sorry it's been so difficult. I very much share your one-day-at-a-time perspective! I also tried other medications, including CBD, during my instability this spring and the added chaos was devastating for myself as well. I had to resign to be patient with the natural healing process, and while it was torture sometimes, it does happen and the results I've seen so far are worth all the trouble. Good luck!

[[Ta...]]

1 hour ago, [[s...] said:

Thank you @[...], @[Co...], and @[Pa...] for your replies! And for being here so consistently for myself and our buddies. I admire and appreciate your service.

@[Ta...] Congrats on being done with lorazepam; I'm sorry it's been so difficult. I very much share your one-day-at-a-time perspective! I also tried other medications, including CBD, during my instability this spring and the added chaos was devastating for myself as well. I had to resign to be patient with the natural healing process, and while it was torture sometimes, it does happen and the results I've seen so far are worth all the trouble. Good luck!

Thank you so very much for your kind words. "Slow and Steady" is my new mantra, and I talk out loud to myself (at home) and try very hard to avoid the "pitfalls!" 

I read some post-withdrawal horror stories, and I get revved up. I also got revved by going to church! So I am eliminating those things, and just trying to focus on my own progress.

Today, I'm not doing too bad. I have some pins and needles, but it is tolerable. I feel "basically alright," and when that happens, I try to notice it, and appreciate how wonderful that is! Just being "alright" has not been a part of my reality for quite some time, and now it is! The whole journey has changed my perspective about almost EVERYTHING!