Still hanging in there

[[La...]]

Happy Anniversary Benzo Buddies ! Hello Everyone and good morning. It's been 12 years since my last xanax pill that I took and although life isn't where I wish it was, it's so much better than it was just 1,2,3 years ago. At least now I can get out and mingle and do things. Was so bad that I wasn't even able to grocery shop or walk my dogs. It's 7:00 and we're already home from our 2 mile morning walk. Although my life is still hectic and I'm unable to work, it is much better. Years ago, before and while taking xanax, I ran an ophthalmic clinic and assisted in eye surgery. Now I'm still not back to being able to work, as I took on a job mowing lawns this spring and it lasted only 2 weeks before the owner told me it wasn't working if I didn't make it in. With suddenly having a schedule, it made me nervous and I wasn't sleeping and I had to call in and it was my second time in 2 weeks and he let me go. Talk about feeling helpless, hopeless and worthless, but at least I tried. Thought I was ready to go back to work, it's been over 12 years now since taking any xanax and I'm still not back to who I once was before benzo hell took over my life and I turned 60 this year too. At least I have my pets, 4 rescue cats and 5 dogs, 3 are rescues. They do keep me going and I am very grateful to have them in my life. There were times I came here without any hope and by chatting with folks, it sure helped me to know others knew exactly how I felt, as I had counselors tell me, "Jim, I don't know how you do it sometimes." With that, I got up and walked out. Anyway, life is better with plenty of room for improvement. At least I'm not making senseless decisions that I will regret in the future like I was doing when taking xanax. I even got married and looking back, if I hadn't been on xanax, I honestly don't think I'd ever married her. It was a xanax decision, been divorced 11 years now.

Anyway......

Sending my very best to Everyone !

[[...]]

Thank you, @[La...] for good wishes and for sharing your story. I'm sorry you're still in the process but glad you keep healing and see improvements year by year. As i've realised, it can take quite a time some of us. I'm aso just happy you have your pets and you help each other keep going. They're lucky to find refuge in your kind sole. Keep healing. It should come!

 

[[pi...]]

Hello @[La...]!

Thanks for returning with an update.  Although you still have challenges in terms of working, that fact you are better than 1,2 and 3 years ago is a good thing. It does sound like the healing process is still going on. I’m thrilled you have your fur babies to keep you company and thank you for being a rescuer, you are doing a great thing! You are contributing a lot and while doing this your recovery will continue. 

[[Pa...]]

Hi @[La...], we're so glad you checked in to let us know how you're doing, I can see its not all picture perfect but it sounds like you're making the best of it.  I know what you mean about those questionable decisions when we're under the influence, but thankfully, clarity comes when we're free.

I hope life keeps getting better and better for you. 

[[Co...]]

Hello @[La...]/Jim.

Thank you taking the time to update us. I am glad to hear of the improvements. But am sorry that job did not work out for you. But you know you can do it - it was the fear that got you. Don't give up - the more you confront your fears, the more they will melt away.

Be sure to drop by again if you feel you wish to reconnect. It would be great to see you here again.

Good luck.

[[La...]]

Hello and thank you All for the kind words. Colin, you have a good memory there. It's not quite 6:00 and I've been awake since 3:00. Seems like sleeping past 4:00 nowadays just doesn't happen and once I wake up, that's it and I get up. One of my cats just loves to say good morning to me. He's a rescue and a big kitty. Even my Vet was amazed at his size when I took him in for a check up. Each and every morning he comes in to let me know he loves me. He is the coolest cat I've ever known, Tigger. When I let my dogs out, he has to gout with them and then when I call them in, he comes running in with them.

If I could win the battle over the anxiety and depression, it would be a God send. I am so grateful I can get out the door in the mornings to walk my dogs. Just a few years ago, all I could do was look out my windows and wish I could step outside. I gained weight and got up to 363 lbs ! Am down to the 220 area now and all thanks to my dogs and their need for a morning walk that we do at sun up. It's exactly 1 mile from my driveway to the 90 degree corner down the road and that's where we go, 2 miles in the morning for our walks. My pets are family and they sure know it. I can grocery shop now and there were years that I couldn't. The years of "hibernation" have just about left me distraught financially, but I am surviving. I am blessed that my ex agreed to take care of the pet costs for me to be able to keep them. We still kind of get along these days. All these years later she is seeing it wasn't me, it was the xanax that made me less than admirable.

Over the years my doctors had me try 5 different meds to help and each one made it many times worse. Meds like Prozac that is so popular put me over the edge. In the beginning, if it weren't for being able to come here after learning about BB, I honestly don't know what would have happened. Knowing others were experiencing what I was I think saved me. I only had one dog in the beginning and he literally saved my life one day. It was in the beginning and the anxiety was OVER THE TOP. I remember I was sitting here wondering which gun to go grab from my gun safe and just end the misery. My boy Eqyu (E Q), jumped up on my lap and began licking my face. He knew something was desperately wrong with me. It seemed like minutes he was doing it but was but for only seconds and it worked. D O G / G O D, for me there is something there.

The first pic is my pack eagerly awaiting their bite of burger because I grilled and they all know when I grill, they get a big bite of burger. The second pic is when Eqyu jumped up on my lap that day and saved my life. I had my phone next to me when he did and once he realized I was Ok, he gave me a hug. Eqyu is Japanese for their Einstein, he's that smart. He's 15 years old now and my Vet is amazed at his health. I told him it's the good food he gets, Diamond and our daily walks over the years and he so agreed.

Oh, in the last pic I was revamping the living room and they were showing me it's still heir spot. lol

Yes, they're family and know it.

 

Thank you Everyone and I hope your day is kind.

 

[[Lo...]]

@[La...] may I ask did you have any setbacks along the way from other medications or anything , or did you / are taking anything else to help the recovery? 
the pets are very lovely I’m glad your seeing improvements now that’s amazing it’s a long time to be struggling on 

[[Co...]]

HI again @[La...]

For years, I resisted any medication to help with insomnia related to withdrawal of benzodiazepines. For me, this was a mistake. I quit benzos January 2003. It was late 2007 before I took (a non-GABA affecting) medication to help with insomnia.

For me, a short course of Atarax was a godsend. I took it for, maybe, a couple of weeks or so - it allowed me to sleep through the night. And most importantly, it broke the cycle of insomnia.

I have taken Atarax quite a number of times since. And I still take it once or twice a year. Importantly, though, I take for just a few days at the most. And months or more in between. This is enough to break the cycle, but avoid Atarax pooping out (which it does, very quickly, if taken habitually).

I do not know if something like Atarax would be an option for you. Reports from other members have been mixed (some just do not find this class of medication sedating).

My point being, I suffered years of terrible insomnia I might have avoided if I was not so fearful or taking any kind of 'unnecessary' brain-affecting medication. There are good reasons for members of BB to avoid unnecessary use of GABAergic medications,* but I think it is a mistake to knee-jerk extend this to other classes of medications.

* There are surely exceptions to this too. I, for example, needed to take one-off dose of benzodiazepine a couple of years ago in a medical emergency. It was the right decision and caused me no problems. A good dose of caution is good, but we should not let fear rule our medical decisions.

I guess what I am saying is, be sure to explore your options.

PS That's quite the menagerie!