A Marathon Became Easy

[[Ul...]]

I was prescribed Xanax in 1994 (at 34 years old) which soon became 5mg+/day of Klonopin for over 21 years. At one time, a psychiatrist had me on 8mg/day (along with Depakote, Lithium, and Prozac at the same time). The benzo was the "base layer" of med that was given to me (per psychiatrist instructions) for all those years with 26 other meds added along the way. It took me 5 years to taper off my K (tapered off Prozac in the first two years, too). I lost about 26 years of my adult life which included me being an absent father and husband, and obviously, I had no real career. I think I figured at some point that I actually had over 27 different jobs during those years. I couldn't keep it together at all as far as handling any kind of stress at any job, so I just "faked" my way from one job to another. It's was a dismal experience, at best. The drug almost got me. Suicide was more present than any other daily emotion or thought, but somehow I escaped it. For some reason my wife stuck by me all those years even though she definitely deserved better. Just about any other person would have left early on. We didn't know what was going on. We followed doctors orders, and that ended up being a huge mistake. At one point I was running marathons like Forest Gump just to try to tolerate the anxiety and panic. Then it got to where marathons were "too easy", and I moved up to ultra distances to try to escape the pain and anxiety, but those ended after a back injury and two surgeries. That was the lowest of low spots in the whole journey. BUT, thanks to a precious few people that I met on BB's, I found my way out. It was extremely difficult and it made marathons look easy in comparison, but I always had my team here at BB's to fall back on and get me through. There IS hope beyond this benzo garbage. Just do what you need to do to get through the next few minutes, then do it again, and then do it until you hit your finish line. The biggest taper lesson I learned along the way was, "never taper faster than you heal". Let healing lead your way. A real life DOES exist for those that are hit by the benzo trauma. These days, I hardly even think about my journey at all. It's a great thing to forget. You'll get there!! Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear..."little by little, a little becomes a lot". NEXT!!!  

[[Co...]]

Hi @[Ul...]

27 years is a long time. I can somewhat sympathize with you losing time - I lost a lot of time too (but much less than you). And I understand about knock-on effects too.

I think, though, you have the right attitude - to put all this behind you and look forward. Yes, of course your wife deserved better, but so did you - it is not your fault. Some regret is fine - even good (to acknowledge what went wrong) - but we ultimately must move forward. And for you, this meant largely putting all this behind you and forgetting about what has occurred. So, I doubly appreciate you revisiting the past and returning to post your message. It is a tragic story, but ultimately uplifting because of the way you have decided to look forward and not back. That's great! I wish you continued good times.

15 hours ago, [[U...] said:

The biggest taper lesson I learned along the way was, "never taper faster than you heal". Let healing lead your way.

I like that.

And if we do not see you again soon, perhaps we'll see you at BB's 30th anniversary! 

[[Pa...]]

Wow @[Ul...], your story is so motivating, I feel like I could go out and run marathons!  I'm so grateful to know you're doing well, thank you for sharing your message of hope.  

[[pi...]]

Hello @[Ul...],

What a journey of being poly drugged to healing! A shout out to your wife. Our spouses may not understand, mine didn’t, but they stayed and saw us through it. Isn’t it great to forget the challenges? That’s true recovery! 

[[Rh...]]

Thank you for coming back and reliving what was prob one of the hardest times you, and your family went through!  I think it’s important to recognize that you followed doctors orders, as we all did, and that lead to this injury.  Finding BB was your saving grace and having the strength to endure and push through the minutes is a testament to your strength and resiliency.

Moving on and living life again is a gift and you’re doing that everyday!  Congrats!