I Almost Died But Came Out the Other Side

[[ba...]]

In May 2018 I got off Xanax and had the worst reaction of my life. It took over two years (29 months) to wean off of them completely. But life now is better than I ever could've imagined.

Initially, I tried quitting cold turkey.

But I couldn't sit still, only slept a few minutes at a time, had horrible nightmares when I DID manage to sleep, couldn't eat and I prayed for death. 

I wanted off benzos because the old dose wasn't working and I kept needing more just to exist.

At the end I was on 8 milligrams daily, the maximum my doctor would prescribe. I had been on them for six years at that point.

I was also five years from retirement with a full pension and had a goal to be prescription free because I was too young to get Medicare at only 61.

I went to my doctor and told him I needed to taper off.

He said, "That's like being in a sinking lifeboat in the middle of the ocean and trying to bail it out with a paper cup."

He said, "I've been on Xanax for forty years. And I'm a doctor! And I'm just fine."

He urged me to stay on them!

But he agreed to keep prescribing the Xanax in smaller doses as long as I wanted to.

He agreed that I could decide how long it would take to wean off of them. I am forever grateful for that

 He also acknowledged that I did a great job the year before getting off Effexor by tapering.

By myself.

By opening each capsule and counting out individual grains then slowly subtracting the number of granules.

It took a year but, aside from electric brain zaps and crazy mood swings, getting off the antidepressants I'd been on for 18 years was a relatively easy task.

The pain of trying to be Xanax free led me to Benzos Buddies. I was working full time as the manager of a public library and I can't overstate how impossible it felt, every minute of every single day. I still marvel at how I managed!

I started a water taper that I learned how to do on YouTube. I used a liquids syringe and tapered incredibly slowly, dissolving the crushed up tablets in a baby food jar and taking 10 milliliters every hour with the syringe. At night I took the last bit before trying to sleep.

The whole time I clung to this forum like a drowning swimmer to a floating buoy. I do believe it saved my life.

Whenever I was off work , I was at home curled in a fetal ball in the dark with my dog beside me. It took everything I had to shop for groceries weekly and walk him three times a day.

Because I could hardly eat, I relied on protein shakes with fruit and veggies in them for about the first year.

 I forced myself to visit my elderly father on Sundays and take him to church. He held onto my Xanax and doled it out for me so I wouldn't be tempted. 

No one understood. It was one of the loneliest experiences of my life. The waves were so unpredictable during the entire first 24 months and the windows were brief but gave me hope that some day my brain would heal.

The stories on this forum fed that hope and, though I prayed to die daily, I believed there might be a way forward because of your success stories.

In March 2020, five days before COVID hit and closed down the world, I moved in with my father to help him navigate his worsening dementia.

I had no idea how to help in my condition or if I even could. But I had to try. And because I had to be strong for him and continue working, I had a strong purpose beyond myself that, looking back, helped fuel my resolve.

The library system let me transfer to a branch closer to him and the timing couldn't have been luckier.

My work situation was hellish, with a new supervisor who was sadistic, belittling and cruel. But I had my father to focus on and a reason beyond myself to go on.

Through the grace of God and this forum, I eventually was able to reach the end of my taper with my doctor lessening my dose when I asked, just as he promised.

It wasn't a night and day difference. Getting better was subtle and slow. The windows became, very slowly, more frequent. 

They slowly, slowly began lasting longer. I found joy and solace in sitting with my dad out on his front porch, listening to the old country music classics that he loved.

I became addicted to making him laugh, found pleasure in the beauty of the natural world and the animals surrounding his little country estate. I was able to be with him before the disease took him and I was able to fulfill a bargain I'd made with my creator.

But it didn't happen all at once.

Eventually, in 2022, I did retire. I bought my dream home near a beach and settled down. 

My favorite part of working in the library was performing with my guitar and doing story times for toddlers. So I began to do that a couple of times a week here in my new community, too! 

It's made me form connections with beautiful families here and I am back to being fulfilled, happy and truly alive.

My wonderful sister lives down the street and we spend time together often.

I rarely have time to remember what the hell of healing from benzos entailed; it's like my brain protects me somewhat from reliving the pain, the terror and the hopelessness. 

But certain songs bring me right back. Even some commercials on TV! 

If you are in the middle of healing, don't give up! I beg you, don't take your life like I almost did.

Let this forum and these stories lift you up.

I never managed to  share much here. I mostly lurked and used it as a guide for how life just might be, if I  could only hang on, do the best I could, and keep tapering ever so slowly.

There IS hope. There IS healing. I know, I didn't believe it either. But life on the other side is sweeter and richer than you can ever imagine.

We need you. You are valuable. And benzos cause your brain to LIE to you!

You've got this. Just for today, you can do it!

 

 

[[Co...]]

Hello @[ba...]. Thank you so much for taking the trouble to write all that. This is great, uplifting stuff - just what other members need to hear!

You were on a really high dose of Xanax - and I thought I was on a high dose of clonazepam (4.5mg). You did did an incredible job to taper off that (and Effexor).

I am so glad that you managed to find quality time with your father in the midst of all that. Those are such precious memories.

I am happy that you found BenzoBuddies so supportive in your progress, even as 'a lurker'. Thank you for telling us about this.

[[pi...]]

@[ba...], what a wonderful and inspiring story. Your journey was tough but you made it through. Continue to enjoy your life and your connection with your sister.

[[Pa...]]

Oh my gosh @[ba...], its wonderful to hear from so many willing to share their story to help others, thank you!  You may not have posted much when you were going through this but you've more than made up for it by sharing your journey to recovery.  I'm happy you were able to help your father through his trying time, what a gift for him and you.  

[[Rh...]]

Holy crap!!!  You have just provided SO much hope for me, and I’m sure many more who will read your story!

Your strength, determination, will and hope in healing are all the catalysts that lead you to healing!  You are so strong and faithful.  To work, go through WD, and be there for your father is quite literally amazing!  You should be so very proud of yourself…I don’t even know you and I am!  Lol

I knew from the title of your post this was going to be an emotional story, and I was right.  Man what a rollercoaster you had, but you made it!

If I can just ask one question, which I hope is okay- -  once you were off how long do you feel it took to start to feel better (reach your windows and waves pattern)?  I know it was awhile ago and you might not recall, which is totally understandable and fine!

Again, thank you for coming back and inspiring so many of us!!!

Edited Tuesday at 16:08 by [Rh...]
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[[Rh...]]

16 hours ago, [[P...] said:

Oh my gosh @[ba...], its wonderful to hear from so many willing to share their story to help others, thank you!  You may not have posted much when you were going through this but you've more than made up for it by sharing your journey to recovery.  I'm happy you were able to help your father through his trying time, what a gift for him and you.  

Agreed!  The gift of his/her story is what will ultimately help so many people and that is the greatest gift he/she can share!