In a horrific setback after 8 years- need some more buddies.

[[An...]]

Hi everyone, as I write this post today, more lucid due to a decrease in sxs, I’m reaching out for more buddies. I was 8 years off benzos and now in a setback worse than my original w/d due to some substances consumed. 
This all happened 2.5 months ago and just last week all my sxs became worse which has me deeply frightened and hopeless. I fear I may lose it all. My marriage, my kids, my career. Heartbroken I’m going through this all again- even worse. I spent years building my life back up, only for this to happen again. Total panic, insomnia, intrusive dark thoughts, pacing, burning skin. Can’t belive this. I need some support please.

[[se...]]

We are here for you!  May I ask what you consumed?  Are you sure it is withdrawal and not a side effect?  We all know our CNS are sensitive, it would not take much!

[[Ca...]]

I know what you're going through! I believe I had a severe setback after 7 years off and healed since march 2016! That was in end of 2021. Either the setback was caused by a booster for corona vaccination or probably I was rather in methylphenidate interdose withdrawal since I suddenly got panic attacks and other weird withdrawal like symptoms everytime methylphenidate wore off! Because I didn't know what was happening and didn't know that setbacks that far out could happen and didn't know how to slowly taper methylphenidate (Ritalin) either I tried to start low dose paxil and ended up in severe akasthisia and an extreme uptick in panic attacks...all paradoxical reactions and all these symptoms were now lingering even when the offending drug was stopped. Then other meds were tried ...one of it was Lyrica,  that one broke my neck! I had to raise the dosage of Lyrica every week and wait until it starts helping me but thqt never happened...instead it got worse and worse and worse... then I had to quit Lyrica after 6 weeks due to the paradoxical reactions and ended up in severe Lyrica withdrawal with the worst of akasthisia  ... i was put on Klonopin for Lyrica withdrawal... it took half a year! Klonopin was no help either! Now I know it just made me feel worse as well. Well the end of the story is that I am now here on benzo buddies Because I suffer from BIND,  I am 16 months off of Klonopin and yet again suffering from another severe setback since getting off methylphenidate this April and Propanolol this july. My symptoms were all through the roof today. I had OCD symptoms like never before... I never had OCD prior to the meds. I am just telling you my story for that you know that when it comes to BIND and setbacks you better don't touch any other med or substance Because you could end up like me! My setback doesn't want to end ! I am in this shit for over 4 months now! Felt close to final healing before...

 

Hold on! It will pass! It might take some time but it will pass! You are not the only one who gets slammed one more time after being that far out!

Edited August 20 by [Ca...]

[[fe...]]

@[An...] I'm right there with you. Went through hell for 3 years, had a wonderful window for 1.5 years during which I had 95% of my life back. I allowed myself to overextend with aggressive exercise, risk-taking, and agreeing to take on a very stressful project at my job. Now I'm in a very long 10-month setback that is arguably worse than the original withdrawal.  I'm JUST NOW seeing slight improvement, so hopefully that means healing is on the horizon.

My take on these events is: you got through this before without losing it all, you can do it again.  And this time, we'll have learned from our mistakes. So it won't happen a third time.

[[An...]]

@[Ca...]thank you! Yes, there was a big change. My wife and kids went back to school and I was left alone which I thought I could handle but I’ve actually developed very bad mono phobia and so I panicked all week which I think brought my aka back. I’ve now found a safe place to go during the week which I still feel awful going to but at least I can be around people, which helps me.

[[An...]]

@[se...]it was psilocybin microdosed 

[[I ...]]

On 21/08/2024 at 01:21, [[A...] said:

@[se...]it was psilocybin microdosed 

...

 

Edited August 22 by [I ...]
Jjj

[[An...]]

Wow, I’m in the biggest struggle for my

life and you’re kicking me. Thanks. 

[[AL...]]

@[An...] I'm sincerely sorry you're experiencing this setback.  It's been 4 1/2 years since I jumped from Diazepam and I'm also struggling.  And especially after 8 years of being off a benzo.

It's hard with family to understand addiction and recovery, it's confusing and overwhelming for them. And when I realized that and accepted it my expectations of what, and how they support me, grateful and forgiving it is not as stressful.  

I suffer from mono phobia also and sometimes the struggle is so horrific with anxiety and panic attacks I've called family, crises lines, prayer lines just to hear another voice in the wee hours.

And for us, our system is so sensitive, a number of things can set us back, diet, stress, vaccines, hormones (men and women) etc.

Have you tried therapy?  If you can't afford in office, Youtube has a wealth of info that might help. 

Benzos are one of the most difficult drugs to withdraw and recover from. So AngryBird that's a major accomplishment to be proud of...DON'T LOSE HOPE!  It's crazy hard but you did it and can do it again.

DON'T DWELL ON "DAMN I MESSED UP" It's destructive

Take care and hang in there. 

[[PE...]]

3 hours ago, [[I...] said:

I apologize for being direct, but how you're not afraid of those psychedelic drugs, especially after your benzo withdrawal? 

I remember when I was younger for a New Year' Eve I tried a mushroom and whole year following I was out  of myself. And that happened before I ever tried benzo.

It could be side effect from the drug. Let's don't blame the benzoses for everything bad that happens in your lifes. I know people who were never on benzoses and are getting severe anxiety, depression, drug withdrawals/ side effects...

It's highly personal. I did psychedelics regularly for 20 years and only had positive experiences. But yeah i would not do any if i was in benzo wd!!

 

[[I ...]]

On 21/08/2024 at 17:31, [[A...] said:

Wow, I’m in the biggest struggle for my

life and you’re kicking me. Thanks. 

 

....

Edited August 22 by [I ...]
Hjj

[[Fa...]]

@[I ...]  Sometimes tough love is called for...but, sometimes it really can feel like being kicked when you're down already.  And, we can never assume that someone on the other side of this computer is in a place to handle a dose of it.  We all must keep that in mind.  We are here because we are already suffering.  We are not here to have a finger waved in our face.  None of us learn from 'you should have known better'...we learn through experience.

@[An...]  I'm sorry you are going through this.  I know it is horrible.  Give it time to settle again.  We all learn from our mistakes...we all make them.  We learn from them, move through them the best we can, and come out the other side again wiser.  You will get through this.

Warmly,

F

Edited August 21 by [Fa...]

[[I ...]]

....

Edited August 22 by [I ...]
Jjj

[[Fa...]]

@[I ...]  It's soooo easy for us to project our trauma and fear onto others when we are going through this.  There are times I have to really stop myself while I write because I can see that sometimes I start to go down that path and my filter is compromised.  Actually, our filters are very compromised during WD.  Thank God for the edit function, because I use it a lot.    

I'm sorry for all you have been through.  We are all going through it.

Warmly,

F

[[Pa...]]

@[Fa...], thank you, this was a masterclass in diplomacy and de-escalation. 

@[An...], I'm so sorry you find yourself here, I've done some amazingly stupid things like starting Ambien after my cold turkey from Klonopin. I've kicked myself harder than anyone else ever could but please, don't stop sharing, none of us are perfect and you need to know you can recover from this. 

This is a setback and setbacks are awful but they're never as bad as the original journey.

 

 

[[I ...]]

41 minutes ago, [[F...] said:

@[I ...]  It's soooo easy for us to project our trauma and fear onto others when we are going through this.  There are times I have to really stop myself while I write because I can see that sometimes I start to go down that path and my filter is compromised.  Actually, our filters are very compromised during WD.  Thank God for the edit function, because I use it a lot.    

I'm sorry for all you have been through.  We are all going through it.

Warmly,

F

I know my dearest...Now I feel worst than him probably..

Im passing at my nearly 3 years off again trough really bad period, plus my father's problem..

My filter is just one big hole in periods like this. But I'm really sad after. You can imagine.

P.S You are amazing ❤️

[[Fa...]]

@[I ...]  The last thing you need is to beat yourself up.  It's not just compassion for others that is important...it is compassion and understanding for ourself as well.  And, that is probably the hardest lesson in life, in my humble opinion.  And, WD is the ultimate classroom for that lesson.

I can feel that you are very disheartened by hitting another rough patch.  And, I can tell you that it is common, but that won't make it feel any better.  But, it is another temporary part of healing, and more difficult when we have outside stressors taking place with loved ones.  While I cannot say this to you from a place of being off the drug and in recovery, I can say it from all we know in our community.  This patch will pass.

Let yourself off the hook, please.  And, take good care of yourself.

Warmly,

F

Edited August 21 by [Fa...]

[[I ...]]

You're so warm and kind... 

Thank you! ❣️

[[Re...]]

@[An...] How often have you consumed the psilocybin? I am doing some light research and came across an NIH study that states it effects GABA, glutamate receptors, dopamine, and serotonin at least when studied in rats. I wonder could this be psilocybin withdrawal if the dose (s) spiked those receptors. II am sure you know benzos effect GABA. It makes sense to me that this would happen if that is the case but what do I know? It just sounds so typical of a benzo injury. I have heard all of the setback stories about ketamine, steroids, antibiotics, nausea meds, etc. I am sorry that you are experiencing it. We should all be able to live our lives freely as we wish. Unfortunately, that is not the case for many people after a benzo injury. I hope it goes quickly for you.

[[bw...]]

Sorry mate but this is indeed a setback. We do heal.but we remain sensitive to near everything. A lifetime of refraining from any type of substances is needed. Im sorry but they do end

 mine is coming to an end now. But its taking me 17 months. My setback was worse than acute. Absolutley horrific is an understatement

 time is your friend..

[[Fa...]]

How are you doing, @[An...]?

[[An...]]

@[Fa...]absolutely devastated by this. I have 2 kids that I can barely be a father to, a wife who went through this with me years ago, a business I built that has crumbled, finances slipping, and I am shocked, horrified, a sobbing mess at what this has done to me…. AGAIN!😭

Edited August 22 by [An...]

[[Fa...]]

I am so very sorry, @[An...].  You do realize that this is not your fault.  When we use the word 'mistake', it doesn't imply fault.

When I was in tolerance, I knew something was not right.  I had done everything to try to find out what was wrong with me.  Aside from physiological symptoms and visiting specialists, I felt like there was something so very wrong...I would even say on a 'soul' level.

I decided to look into an Ayahuasca Retreat.  It was, to me, my last hope.  Before they would accept me, I had to verify that I had not been on any medications that were on a list sent to me.  Well, all benzos were on that list.  So, I thought, no problem.  The drug isn't helping me clearly, so I'll just come off of it again as I did before.  That is what started my second journey coming off...but, this time was not the same as the first time.

If I had not tried to attend that retreat, I would have had no way of knowing that introducing plant medicine was a contraindication.  But, what makes this more complicated is that many use plant medicine without problem to help them through their recovery process.  So, how exactly do we guarantee we will not make a decision that may have negative effects?  I suppose abstinence of...everything?  Not realistic.  Which leaves room for 'mistakes' to happen.  Life happens.

I do hope that your wife will hold space for you as you move through this set-back.  I know how heart-breaking it is to feel as though you cannot parent.  It is devastating.  I have two daughters who keep their distance from me in this.  It just doesn't feel fair.  All we can do is our best everyday to make it through to the other side and have as much faith as possible that those things that crumble can be built back up again.  Including financially.  I know you can do this.  You will get yourself back again.

Warmly,

F 

[[An...]]

Thank you for your words of encouragement when I desperately need them. I’m shocked at how much worse this is than my original w/d.

[[Fa...]]

@[An...]  I always keep in my mind the words that are very true...the severity of symptoms is not an indicator of how long the symptoms will last.  Please keep that in mind to the best of your ability.

Keep us updated, or just reach out for support whenever you need to.

Warmly,

F