9 Months (36 weeks) Off Update

[[Sw...]]

Hey buddies, glad to come back on this month and see a few people have stopped hanging around. I imagine that means there is some improvement taking place for those buddies. And I am sorry to see a cast of new users in the mix of recovery. You're in the right place (newbies) as long as you listen to the hopeful and helpful. Some users are not well and also not hopeful or helpful which can strike fear into someone at first. You can do this, whoever you are and wherever you are. Let this be a first step but not the only step.

I make these updates for you to read but also and probably more so for me to chronicle my progress. I did this once before and never took notes and decided this time I'd keep an account to show myself there really is change happening.

I think I am just going to post symptoms. That doesn't mean things haven't gotten better it is just easier to narrow in on what's left rather than the MANY MANY symptoms that have gone.

Symptoms:

*Anhedonia, Apathy, Lack of pleasure or excitement, Loss of interest in things I once enjoyed

This has been my new worst symptom. It cropped up in May (2024) and feels like the undertone of life now. I will be so glad once I can feel happy, excited, joyful again. And I do feel these emotions but they are certainly at half capacity like a dimly lit house. 

*Tinnitus

This symptom RAMPED right up in April and has waxed and waned. It's constant. I had tinnitus before but it was very manageable and did not bother me really. All things considered anyways. Now it's pretty loud and distracting in both of my ears. The tones and volume and notice-ability change constantly. Left ear has been louder than Right ear recently when it was the other way around for a while. My right ear sounds like supersonic high pitched crickets and a high tone and a medium tone. 

*Brain Fog/ Trouble finding the right words/ Memory Problems/Focus Problems/Easily overwhelmed overstimulated 

*Ear fullness/ Clog

My ears have been clogged and muffled and pop and crackle pretty regularly. I really don't know if this is benzos or just bad posture and muscular tightness in my neck which is very stiff.

*Neck Muscle Tightness

My neck and shoulder, scalp and jaw muscles are SO TIGHT. I need a massage. I think it's a combo of stress from withdrawal and also driving and other lifestyle issues. My face is constantly in a tight position as I dwell on terrible thoughts that attack me. Maybe that's what intrusive thoughts are. Maybe I have those. Maybe it's benzos maybe its PTSD as I remember them before benzo so I am not going to add it to list.

*Red Eyes

My eyes are bloodshot and look like I smoked a joint all the time. 

*Ptosis in my right eye

My right eye is mildly droopy. It's not very obvious but I feel like there is a weird sensation in the right eye area. I can't figure it out well enough to describe if it's numbness, pressure, or what I just can tell my right eye feels like something is off and my left eye doesn't feel like anything. 

*Muscle Stiffness in general

I really need to workout.

*Inflammation in sinuses

*Inflammation/ puffy face

*Sore throat regularly with no virus/infection

*Difficulty sleeping when I want to. I can sleep well once asleep but if I'm beat at 9 and try to sleep it just wont happen and I can't get into sleep state until at least 11. 

*Random stomach pains that started in July. 
 

EDIT:

-Earaches

-tingling sensations in scalp/face sometimes other random places, as if a snake is slithering around or a death tickling me. 

I am also 4 weeks post partum and let me tell you the first 2 weeks PP were terrifying because I had SO MUCH ANXIETY but it is gone now Thank You Jesus. . I remembered how gross it felt to be in full anxiety mode terrified of everything.

I started a ketogenic diet as of yesterday and plan to go as long as I can to see if it can help me with mood, sleep, inflammation, the stuff ya know.. 

I don't think I am forgetting anything but I will come edit if I am. Good luck you guys. I have a great life and I should be happier than what I can access in my brain. I am hanging on with much hope for the breakthrough to come. It really can take a few years to fully heal so wherever you are in your journey stay strong and don't stop living your life. My husband told me he cant ever tell I am lacking emotion. I keep doing the stuff life asks of me, faking it til I make it, not letting this ruin the now. I pray for you all when I am thinking about the lost here. It will be okay. 

Also my daughter is absolutely beautiful, healthy, perfect in all ways! She brings so much joy to each day. 

 

Edited August 9 by [Sw...]

[[Ct...]]

@[Sw...] You are a remarkable person! You are 4 weeks postpartum with a beautiful baby girl and taking care of your many duties in spite of your symptoms. Faking it until you make it is working for you. Congratulations on the birth of your daughter and continuing onward in your recovery. 
Warmly,

Ctlady

[[Sw...]]

Thank you @[Ct...] I appreciate your acknowledging my post. I hope youre healing today!

[[Bo...]]

Amazing progress and congrats on. Baby girl!!!!! What a gift after all youve been thru! 
im at 11 months off and unfortunately have another med I’m tapering but grateful to have 11mo behind me on Klonopin. What a road. Here is to much more healing for the both of us!! 
hugs 

[[...]]

Congratulations on the new arrival @[Sw...]. Best wishes to the baby and your family!

[[Sh...]]

Congratulations on your new baby and your strength ! 

I want to comment on your ear fullness / pressure . I am 10 months off , I believe I turned a milestone corner ( getting better not healed) on August 1st afternoon ( I felt it ) and the corner I turned was the lifting off the ear pressure by at least 80-90% and with it the lifting of Anhedonia by I would say 50% . those two were my most bothersome symptoms in the last 4-5 months . ear pressure was beyond horrible 24/7 for now it is almost gone hope it stays that way . but it is definitely a BIND / WD symptom . thought I share this with hopefully it gives you hope . I hope we are out of the woods soon because this is really THE toughest beast I ever endured in my 48 years life !!!

Edited August 3 by [Sh...]

[[Si...]]

Thanks for your post!

[[Sw...]]

@[Sh...] what was your head congestion/ ear and sinus pressure like? Mine drives me nuts 

 

do you know why ear fullness is a wd symptom?

Edited August 4 by [Sw...]

[[...]]

@[Sw...], my congratulations! It's soo great to be a Mom of a beautiful child! Be careful about yourself and thank you for posting your update positive despite the symptoms! Just happy for you😍

[[Sh...]]

12 hours ago, [[S...] said:

@[Sh...] what was your head congestion/ ear and sinus pressure like? Mine drives me nuts 

do you know why ear fullness is a wd symptom?

it was a constant pressure in the ears with a constant urge to pop them . it went fro not being able to pop into being able to pop but needs to be done every 5 minutes max to eventually lifting (80%) with this the occasional brain fog (feeling of brain pressure) .

what's causing it ? from my research and knowledge ( I am a pharmacist) , benzos affect the Eustachian tube and valve badly and it takes the body months to rectify once drug free . it took me 10 months and I still feel it but not as nearly as bad 

 

[[Sw...]]

 @[Sh...] thank you for your response that's fascinating. why do you suppose benzos would bother eustachian tubes? so random. what you describe is exactly how I feel and the right side is worse. great to hear you have seen a big improvement. if I could even have improvements of my worst symptoms I'd be feeling some significant relief. 

[[Sh...]]

2 hours ago, [[S...] said:

 @[Sh...] thank you for your response that's fascinating. why do you suppose benzos would bother eustachian tubes? so random. what you describe is exactly how I feel and the right side is worse. great to hear you have seen a big improvement. if I could even have improvements of my worst symptoms I'd be feeling some significant relief. 

I don't think it's well understood why it happens like most symptoms . but my personal explanation is how benzo relax the Eustachian valve over and over it ends ups loose and not releasing pressure as it should ( this is just what I think happens) and the body takes a long time to fix that looseness in the valve . 

I hope you start feeling better soon . I still have ways to go too but I am happy with the improvements I have seen so far . gone a long way from where I were . I am hoping month 12-14 will be the walk to the other side 

Edited August 5 by [Sh...]