Help please

[[Bu...]]

21 hours ago, [[L...] said:

The intrusive thoughts are so scary. Did that happen to you? I'm sorry for writing again I get scared.  it's as though I feel psychotic and it won't go away. 

I get intrusive thoughts, lots of others do in withdrawal. 

[[Li...]]

2 hours ago, [[P...] said:

@[vo...] is right @[Li...], we understand the fear you're living with, and not only that, our cognitive abilities are severely compromised just when we're expected to make what feel like life and death decisions.  Knowing the wrong decision can bring on even more pain than we're already experiencing is a heavy burden, please don't apologize, we get it. 

I will be going slowly and see what happens. I get panicky now because I barely have windows like I did a week ago? I thought things were better.  Could this have anything to do with sleep as well? I now don't want to leave the house. @[El...] @[Pa...]

[[Fa...]]

Hi @[Li...],

As per your comment on the other thread, I wanted to share with you what 'stable' is for me as I move through this.

I can prepare my meals and shower.  I experience agoraphobia, so I do not leave my home.  However, there have been times that I have had a lifting of symptoms and magically I can hop in my car and do a small errand.

While I can prepare my meals and shower...do laundry...all is done in a state of fear/terror.  Sometimes it's just fear and sometimes it's terror.  That too has lifted for small periods of time.

I spend most of the day in my bed aside from getting up to do what I have to.  Fatigue keeps me in bed.

Internal agitation/anxiety/depression/DPDR is always present to varying degrees.  Terror is my nemesis.

This is my version of stable right now as not-so-great as it is.  But, when I began my taper, my 'stable' was a lot worse.  I began my taper in full blown Akathisia.

But, this is the good part.  As I have tapered, things have gotten better.  There have been improvements.  There has been healing as I have gotten lower.  My baseline is still sucky, yes.  But, there is forward movement.  Waves can be brutal still, but they used to be far worse.

We have to rely on ourselves to make a judgement call at a time in our life when we feel the least able to make sound decisions for ourselves.  Nonetheless, we have to make decisions.

I understand you have suffered with anxiety and depression, but by what I have read in this thread, it was nothing compared to what you are experiencing now.  My story is not yours, but the common denominator is that the drug is making us sick.

I have held for periods of time in hopes that I may reach a 'better' baseline, and it didn't happen for me.  It does happen for others, however.  But, comparing ourselves to others will be an endless endeavour of looking for something to give us a clear indication of what it is we should do.  But, it doesn't work that way.  We really have to take a leap of faith as we sit within a lot of 'false fear' created by the drug.  We can look to others for hope that regardless of what our individual path through this will be, the end result will be healing.

You have been given excellent information and guidance in this thread filled with compassion.  Try to access your gut feeling/intuition.  When you envision yourself holding, how does your body feel?  When you envision making your first reduction, how does your body feel?  Through the fear...you will feel a difference in the two options.  Keep doing this until you get an answer.  The answer doesn't come in the absence of fear...it will come along side the fear.

Warmly,

F

 

 

  

Edited August 19 by [Fa...]

[[Li...]]

On 18/08/2024 at 10:42, [[P...] said:

@[vo...] is right @[Li...], we understand the fear you're living with, and not only that, our cognitive abilities are severely compromised just when we're expected to make what feel like life and death decisions.  Knowing the wrong decision can bring on even more pain than we're already experiencing is a heavy burden, please don't apologize, we get it. 

Just an update: Thank you both.. Im Pretty much bed bound now. No windows really, just Fatigue 24/7.   All I want to do is sleep now. I don't know if im better or worse. I try and push myself because I'm afraid if I lay in bed too long my muscles won't work anymore.  Anyway I'm hoping  things get better in the next week. I feel like I'm on a bad acid trip or something. Hard to stand up.  @[El...] @[Pa...]

[[Li...]]

16 hours ago, [[F...] said:

Hi @[Li...],

As per your comment on the other thread, I wanted to share with you what 'stable' is for me as I move through this.

I can prepare my meals and shower.  I experience agoraphobia, so I do not leave my home.  However, there have been times that I have had a lifting of symptoms and magically I can hop in my car and do a small errand.

While I can prepare my meals and shower...do laundry...all is done in a state of fear/terror.  Sometimes it's just fear and sometimes it's terror.  That too has lifted for small periods of time.

I spend most of the day in my bed aside from getting up to do what I have to.  Fatigue keeps me in bed.

Internal agitation/anxiety/depression/DPDR is always present to varying degrees.  Terror is my nemesis.

This is my version of stable right now as not-so-great as it is.  But, when I began my taper, my 'stable' was a lot worse.  I began my taper in full blown Akathisia.

But, this is the good part.  As I have tapered, things have gotten better.  There have been improvements.  There has been healing as I have gotten lower.  My baseline is still sucky, yes.  But, there is forward movement.  Waves can be brutal still, but they used to be far worse.

We have to rely on ourselves to make a judgement call at a time in our life when we feel the least able to make sound decisions for ourselves.  Nonetheless, we have to make decisions.

I understand you have suffered with anxiety and depression, but by what I have read in this thread, it was nothing compared to what you are experiencing now.  My story is not yours, but the common denominator is that the drug is making us sick.

I have held for periods of time in hopes that I may reach a 'better' baseline, and it didn't happen for me.  It does happen for others, however.  But, comparing ourselves to others will be an endless endeavour of looking for something to give us a clear indication of what it is we should do.  But, it doesn't work that way.  We really have to take a leap of faith as we sit within a lot of 'false fear' created by the drug.  We can look to others for hope that regardless of what our individual path through this will be, the end result will be healing.

You have been given excellent information and guidance in this thread filled with compassion.  Try to access your gut feeling/intuition.  When you envision yourself holding, how does your body feel?  When you envision making your first reduction, how does your body feel?  Through the fear...you will feel a difference in the two options.  Keep doing this until you get an answer.  The answer doesn't come in the absence of fear...it will come along side the fear.

Warmly,

F

My Fatigue is extreme now as well.  I do hope we get better soon.  It is difficult to even walk at times. This is scary. I worry about my muscles giving out completely. It seems like just yesterday I had a life and I'm on so much grief. I am wishing you well. Pray 🙏.  I hope we all truly heal 

[[Li...]]

Just now, [[L...] said:

My Fatigue is extreme now as well.  I do hope we get better soon.  It is difficult to even walk at times. This is scary. I worry about my muscles giving out completely. It seems like just yesterday I had a life and I'm on so much grief. I am wishing you well. Pray 🙏.  I hope we all truly heal @[Fa...]

 

[[Fa...]]

@[Li...]  We do go through the stages of grief.  It is a shock when we realize what has happened.

Yes, it is like a bad acid trip.  But, it does get better, and we do heal.      

[[ma...]]

I think i got ptsd after the grusom wd i iived through during the first half year or more

[[Pa...]]

That fatigue sounds miserable @[Li...], I didn't suffer with it but I'm glad @[Fa...] dropped by to let you know they have it too and the best part is they're feel improvement as they taper. 

[[El...]]

I deeply sympathize with your fatigue. I know that it is absolutely brutal!  But I do suspect much of it stems from your depression, anxiety and fear. It is almost like your “body curls up into itself” to escape the depression, fear and anxiety and the end result is a deep, “bone-crushing” weariness.

But unless you are experiencing some terrible pain that prevents you from getting out of bed, I would continue to urge you to keep moving as much as possible. The consequences of inactivity will present a whole host of new challenges you must then face.  Again, as I said earlier, I went down that road once and it took every ounce of what was left of my emotional and physical stamina to reverse the consequences to, not just my muscles and physical tone, but also my psychological well-being.

So, please, please take care of your physical health so you can able to face the challenges of tapering.

 

[[Li...]]

1 minute ago, [[E...] said:

I deeply sympathize with your fatigue. I know that it is absolutely brutal!  But I do suspect much of it stems from your depression, anxiety and fear. It is almost like your “body curls up into itself” to escape the depression, fear and anxiety and the end result is a deep, “bone-crushing” weariness.

But unless you are experiencing some terrible pain that prevents you from getting out of bed, I would continue to urge you to keep moving as much as possible. The consequences of inactivity will present a whole host of new challenges you must then face.  Again, as I said earlier, I went down that road once and it took every ounce of what was left of my emotional and physical stamina to reverse the consequences to, not just my muscles and physical tone, but also my psychological well-being.

So, please, please take care of your physical health so you can able to face the challenges of tapering.

@[El...] I agree but what if its from not sleeping for 4 weeks? I notice im getting a bit more sleep now. Maybe my body needs the sleep IDK? I really can't walk around the block yet. I do move, I'm hoping that makes some difference? 

[[El...]]

@[Li...] Of course part of your fatigue is from not sleeping well.  And, by all means, you should take a day or so to catch up on your sleep by going to bed early or, perhaps, taking a few naps.  I just get concerned when you say you are "bed-bound".  I would just advise that once you catch up, you should return to as normal schedule as you are able and try to remain as active as possible.

Hope your day is going well!

[[De...]]

Hey Lily! Ugh I’m so sorry you’re struggling.

First off, I want to say you’re strong and you WILL get through this. You’re much stronger and resilient than you think, even though it doesn’t feel like that right now. 

You’ve indicated a couple of things in your posts that I just wanted to make sure you’re communicating with your partner (or someone) about. It goes without saying, but if your thoughts are ever venturing into self-harm or anything dangerous (even for a second), you absolutely MUST tell someone. You don’t have to tell this board, but your anxiety and fear can take you to very dark places. I truly hope that’s not the case and you’re on the road to recovery but I can’t stress enough how important it is to communicate your deepest thoughts to your partner. I don’t believe that’s the case here, but I feel compelled to mention.

If you’re having any bad thoughts, sound it from the roof tops and fight for yourself. 

[[Li...]]

1 hour ago, [[E...] said:

@[Li...] Of course part of your fatigue is from not sleeping well.  And, by all means, you should take a day or so to catch up on your sleep by going to bed early or, perhaps, taking a few naps.  I just get concerned when you say you are "bed-bound".  I would just advise that once you catch up, you should return to as normal schedule as you are able and try to remain as active as possible.

Hope your day is going well!

@[El...] Better today. A scary journey into the nail salon  but i pushed myself . I hope you are well

[[Li...]]

40 minutes ago, [[D...] said:

Hey Lily! Ugh I’m so sorry you’re struggling.

First off, I want to say you’re strong and you WILL get through this. You’re much stronger and resilient than you think, even though it doesn’t feel like that right now. 

You’ve indicated a couple of things in your posts that I just wanted to make sure you’re communicating with your partner (or someone) about. It goes without saying, but if your thoughts are ever venturing into self-harm or anything dangerous (even for a second), you absolutely MUST tell someone. You don’t have to tell this board, but your anxiety and fear can take you to very dark places. I truly hope that’s not the case and you’re on the road to recovery but I can’t stress enough how important it is to communicate your deepest thoughts to your partner. I don’t believe that’s the case here, but I feel compelled to mention.

If you’re having any bad thoughts, sound it from the roof tops and fight for yourself. 

@[De...] Yes, I have had them. Mostly ruminations and intrusive, ideation stuff.. however I would never do such a thing,   but the thoughts do creep in when stuff becomes unbearable. The thoughts scare me!  I tell my partner, family, and a therapist I'm working with. I get reminded that it's the drug talking. It does pass but my fear is probably my #1 symptom/ ruminations that turn OCD. Thank you for writing me. 

[[De...]]

Ok great, I’m glad to hear that 🙂

[[Li...]]

@[Pa...] @[El...]. Hi, I just wanted to check in. I've been doing a bit better the last couple of days with driving and going out for a bit. I tried to take it a bit further today and got very discouraged and nervous.  I tried to get out and walk around the block for exercise. I Felt as though my quadrosceps in my legs were giving out after about 3 minutes.  I can't  walk long distances. ?? What to do in this situation.? It's as though I feel like I'm going numb in that area of my body. Walking for long is a problem. Something is up in the quadro/leg  area where i'm always feeling tension or something going on in that area.  I also Want to add that I've always had back pain my entire life before any benzo's. Now I have no pain in my back but other areas that I've never felt anything 

[[El...]]

@[Li...] I am so glad that you are improving!  (And you are improving!)  Certainly, if you are very uncomfortable and you are concerned, you should consider seeing a doctor.  But, muscle pain, joint pain, numbness, and "nerve" pain are commmon symptoms during withdrawal. I also had fairly severe hip, thigh, and shoulder pain during the early months of my taper. Sometimes my joints felt weak, numb, or "wobbley".  But eventually, by holding my dose and waiting, these symptoms resolved.  So, I do know it can be frustrating, painful, scary, and discouraging.  Continuing to gently exercise, as I are able, was helpful to me.  

Please don't get discouraged about this.  What you are experiencing seems all very normal.  You really are making great progress.  I know it might not seem that way to you because you are "living it".  But your posts are so much more positive.  You have made great strides!

[[Pa...]]

I know this list scares some people but I actually found it comforting to read my symptoms were normal.  And the great thing is Professor Ashton gave reasons for why we feel what we do! benzo.org.uk : Benzodiazepines: How They Work & How to Withdraw, Prof C H Ashton DM, FRCP, 2002

A lot of members are intolerant to exercise, take it easy but don't become sedentary, I've watched members become bedbound and you don't want that. 

I agree with @[El...], while some things aren't so good, you're able to see some things have improved, this is huge!  I'm thrilled your back pain is gone for now, I imagine it will be back at some point but yay for not feeling it now.

[[Li...]]

On 22/08/2024 at 15:54, [[P...] said:

I know this list scares some people but I actually found it comforting to read my symptoms were normal.  And the great thing is Professor Ashton gave reasons for why we feel what we do! benzo.org.uk : Benzodiazepines: How They Work & How to Withdraw, Prof C H Ashton DM, FRCP, 2002

A lot of members are intolerant to exercise, take it easy but don't become sedentary, I've watched members become bedbound and you don't want that. 

I agree with @[El...], while some things aren't so good, you're able to see some things have improved, this is huge!  I'm thrilled your back pain is gone for now, I imagine it will be back at some point but yay for not feeling it 

 

[[Li...]]

@[El...] @[Pa...]  Good morning, I am at the 3 week mark of trying to stabilize.  It has definitely gotten so much better within the past three days!  I am capable of going out and  doing things. Of course , there are still symptoms that scare me, but it is what it is. I try to push through waves that come. My mother will be here for a week starting tomorrow. I'm thinking it's wise to hold until the 1st of September?  I will also have my new prescription refill by then. At this point, I will have been holding for a month. Is this wise? Thanks again for all the support.  😇

[[Pa...]]

1 hour ago, [[L...] said:

My mother will be here for a week starting tomorrow. I'm thinking it's wise to hold until the 1st of September?  I will also have my new prescription refill by then. At this point, I will have been holding for a month. Is this wise?

I think holding is a good idea while your mother is there, changes to our routine can be stressful and another week won't make a difference.

So glad to know you're doing better, what a gift! 

[[Li...]]

30 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

I think holding is a good idea while your mother is there, changes to our routine can be stressful and another week won't make a difference.

So glad to know you're doing better, what a gift! 

@[Pa...] T.Y.  Pam. Do you believe the Fear can be semi conquered with mind over matter? And having a better outlook on the taper? Or it's unpredictable? 

[[Pa...]]

I think battling the fear is a worthy endeavor, anything to keep it from paralyzing you, I had to actively work on keeping it from devouring me.  

And doing your best to keep a positive mindset is important, how often are we told by medical doctors that this can help us heal, I believe this applies to our situation too.  I know how difficult it is to put on a happy face but fighting these feelings, doing our best to find the positive can counteract the doom and gloom this process creates. 

[[Li...]]

@[Pa...] @[El...]  Hi again, Would a water taper be easier and more accurate with measurements?