I cant take this anymore, i dont know what to do

[[Cr...]]

[[...]]

13 minutes ago, [[C...] said:

I can understand. Withdrawal caused ocd traits in me as well. Irrational fears plagued me about everything from sunlight to water. I understood they were irrational, but that didn't stop my brain from making me hyper-examine everything or develop pointless rituals or patterns derived from symptom fluctuations/associations.

When you suddenly feel a lot worse, you may often examine everything you did within the past few hours and then associate whatever you did (or ate) with making your symptoms worse. For instance you know stepping on the cracks in the sidewalk has absolutely no effect on your recovery symptoms, but if you just so happened to step on cracks just prior to your symptoms worsening, your brain will attempt override common sense and make it so you now avoid cracks. Withdrawal can drastically change many aspects of our lives where we barely recognize our own looks and personalities anymore.

For your physical symptoms, many of them can be directly/indirectly related to withdrawal. Directly would be something like stiff muscles or changing hair texture/hair loss. Indirectly would be issues that develop from lack of physical activity or sudden diet changes due to withdrawal.

I recall several members stating that their faces and overall looks changed quickly during withdrawal. I think @[...] said the shape of her face even changed. This whole process can be surreal, but it will end. Once healed, you can quickly transform yourself back into not just your old self, but a better version of yourself.

Every one of us, setback or not, probably greatly regrets ever taking benzos. Accepting our past/current situation does not mean that we stop regretting our use of benzos, but that we stop dwelling on it nonstop. It is not a problem that can be solved. If you absolutely must punish yourself for taking those extra doses to satiate your regret, then perhaps do so when you are recovered. You are not in a good position to give/take any vengeance upon yourself.

Going through this is the biggest punishment 

The physical changes are directly due to withdrawl. Lost all muscles overnight in the beginning of this while i was still moving more or less normally with "only" a mental major shift in the brain, it just progressed to worse and worse with extreme rigidity that feels its crushing bones and my insides. Legs developed varicose veins, bones deformation, head can barely hold head and letting this happen will of course lead to more severity, much more curved in a few months from now

All the stress in the body for so long feeding of itself generating illness, it kills cells no matter how i try to see it differently for the sake of trying to survive this 

[[jo...]]

[[...]]

11 minutes ago, [[j...] said:

I'm sorry your having so much trouble it sounds terrible. have you had a full medical? It sounds like this could be more than benzo withdrawl. I've never heard anything quite like it. Maybe there's something else going on.

Thanks

All related to the rescue doses i took that caused this and much more, like i CTd more than once in a short period of time. I was completely healthy before 

I've seen more people with muscle loss and rigidly, connective tissue, gravity pulling, etc although different from my issues. Never seen injuries or deformations from it unless they have dystonia. They usually CTd or had an adverse reaction to the drug 

[[Cr...]]

[[On...]]

Please stay strong 💪, you will get through this. 

I had severe body dysmorphia. I have put on weight, am able to exercise now. Look like a human

But photos from January to April this year, I lost so much weight, I was a walking zombie in taper/withdrawal. I had to fight hard, self care.

 

 

[[...]]

10 minutes ago, [[C...] said:

That would put a huge strain on your kidneys if such muscle loss occured that quickly. Did you have blood tests done during this time?

Bone deformation should definitely show up on scans. A lot of the other physical symptoms you described are easily able to be documented and proven to a doctor (as opposed to the mental symptoms). What have your doctors said about the reason for all these physical changes? In situations like yours, I am curious as to how doctors could ignore wd as being in your head when it is obviously not.

In the beginning of this when i was still able to force myself to get out of the house and talk to people i've had blood work done and it was fine. My family doctor showed surprise when she saw my face rapidly aged, suggested it could be perimenopause, she asked questions and i dont have the symptoms attributed to that. Even if it was, it was still caused by the benzos as the huge stress in the body can abnormally wreck hormones. As expected she suggested muscle relaxers that i cant take, little that i know i'd come to this much worse 

I dont need to get scans to know i'm deformed, just looking in a mirror and feel what i'm feeling. Even if i could see doctors theres nothing i can do to treat any of this and that's the worst 

But why would i need to prove this to a doctor? They would never aknowlegde this as a thing, always atribute it to other issues 

[[...]]

37 minutes ago, [[O...] said:

Please stay strong 💪, you will get through this. 

I had severe body dysmorphia. I have put on weight, am able to exercise now. Look like a human

But photos from January to April this year, I lost so much weight, I was a walking zombie in taper/withdrawal. I had to fight hard, self care.

Glad you're good 

My issues arent due to weight loss

[[Le...]]

your mind does weird things to you during this. i dont look like a monster to myself anymore. for a long while there i thought i was a rotting zombie. couldnt look in the mirror. some is that you are currently sickly and some is your mind. 

lots other comments like this on here. 

[[...]]

25 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

your mind does weird things to you during this. i dont look like a monster to myself anymore. for a long while there i thought i was a rotting zombie. couldnt look in the mirror. some is that you are currently sickly and some is your mind. 

lots other comments like this on here. 

Yes, the mind does things as the mind is chemistry too and this changed my mind chemistry, not the same person anymore. What's not the mind is enough to worry though 

[[...]]

[[...]]

9 hours ago, [[C...] said:

I can understand. Withdrawal caused ocd traits in me as well. Irrational fears plagued me about everything from sunlight to water. I understood they were irrational, but that didn't stop my brain from making me hyper-examine everything or develop pointless rituals or patterns derived from symptom fluctuations/associations.

When you suddenly feel a lot worse, you may often examine everything you did within the past few hours and then associate whatever you did (or ate) with making your symptoms worse. For instance you know stepping on the cracks in the sidewalk has absolutely no effect on your recovery symptoms, but if you just so happened to step on cracks just prior to your symptoms worsening, your brain will attempt override common sense and make it so you now avoid cracks. Withdrawal can drastically change many aspects of our lives where we barely recognize our own looks and personalities anymore.

This is very similar to my own experience. I never knew what OCD meant prior to benzo withdrawal but got lots of it on top of everything else. Can still have mild fits of OCD when worried too much.

[[Ye...]]

It's total hell. No one should be going through this. It is unfair on all levels. I have been enduring a lot of unpleasant things for 16 months.

All this is so so so unfair... 16 months of torture

[[Mi...]]

[[Bu...]]

[[...]]

[[re...]]

I’m here by chance today and saw this post.  I got through a hellish recovery (clonazepam withdrawal) about twelve years ago; have never touched a benzo thereafter, and never will.  (Unfortunately, my husband has since had his own run-in with them—I tried to warn him—but he is recovering as well.)  Now, for transparency, let me say, Agua et al., I know my ordeal was minimal compared to many—but for a while there it was bad enough; even the bedclothes touching me felt unendurably painful, I would shake uncontrollably at night, I slept at most 30 minutes a night (fake sleep, in fact), and I felt no hope at all of ever being well again.  My salvation was the support of my family, help from Benzobuddies (folks here don’t need the pain and horror explained to them; they get it), and mindfulness meditation.  Agua, I gather that doing anything at all feels impossible to you right now, but you must be existing in some position, whether it’s sitting or standing, and meditation doesn’t require that you sit—you can stand, walk, whatever.  It’s really hard to do, I know, when you’re in pain and freaking out.  But I swear it’s what pulled me out of the abyss and enabled me to feel human again.  You can get through this.  The hardest part is being so desperately sure that you can’t, but you can, and you will.  Hearing this from other Buddies is part of what helped me survive, so I’m saying it to you now—as others already have, I see.  My thoughts are with you.  

[[...]]

4 hours ago, [[M...] said:

Honestly I do not know but my wife was thinking about reinstatement as well but too scared and convinced (most likely she is right) that it would only help for a short moment....and then would be even worse....I'm trying to make wife more patient but I understand it is so difficult with so much pain all over the body....

Do hope it will get better really but when....it started last year in April, so over a year now and never get better so far...but hopefully we are closer and closer to some changes for better....even deformities should return to normal when muscles allow....praying for this.

I"d be hopeful if i wasnt worse than months ago or a least the same, new issues are always appearing 

Does your wife hás a gravity pulling feeling like the body weights 1000 kilos especially in the shoulders and legs? Its an overwhelming exauhstion with severe rigity i cant explain properly.I just want to lay to rest but cant. The body has no way to keep up with this, bones cant take the pressure. Does she have injuries from it?

Does she have drástic posture changes like the neck very forward causing a hunch and it cant barely hold head?

[[vo...]]

2 minutes ago, [[r...] said:

 even the bedclothes touching me felt unendurably painful  

@[re...] Read your comment - yes!! the darn clothes touching skin feeling!! I'm still dealing with that one. But I know it will eventually go away.

[[re...]]

Yes, it will!  Wishing everyone courage and strength to get through this -

[[...]]

1 hour ago, [[B...] said:

I understand exactly how you feel. Hurts to walk due to loss of fat pads on my feet. I’m unrecognisable in general, living in constant fear and terrified I won’t be able to keep it together in front of my daughter who now is parented only by my husband really

zopiclone has stolen my life and I often feel I can’t endure and yet somehow make it to another day. This week on our 18 year anniversary (which we both forgot) my husband couldn’t cope with my terror and akathisia overnights and drove me to hospital, and very nearly dumped me there. He’s sorry now but I can’t really blame him…

this is absolute hell. But you are surviving as are all of us

I can only send best wishes and pray things improve for both of us and soon 

I keep telling myself that every traumatic experience is one step closer to getting my life back or at least some semblance of stability 

I keep telling myself my brain is healing and that my body’s recovery will come afterwards 

Sorry for your suffering. Did you have any improvements? Did you CT? I became like this due to rescue doses after a very good taper 

[[Bu...]]

[[...]]

24 minutes ago, [[r...] said:

I’m here by chance today and saw this post.  I got through a hellish recovery (clonazepam withdrawal) about twelve years ago; have never touched a benzo thereafter, and never will.  (Unfortunately, my husband has since had his own run-in with them—I tried to warn him—but he is recovering as well.)  Now, for transparency, let me say, Agua et al., I know my ordeal was minimal compared to many—but for a while there it was bad enough; even the bedclothes touching me felt unendurably painful, I would shake uncontrollably at night, I slept at most 30 minutes a night (fake sleep, in fact), and I felt no hope at all of ever being well again.  My salvation was the support of my family, help from Benzobuddies (folks here don’t need the pain and horror explained to them; they get it), and mindfulness meditation.  Agua, I gather that doing anything at all feels impossible to you right now, but you must be existing in some position, whether it’s sitting or standing, and meditation doesn’t require that you sit—you can stand, walk, whatever.  It’s really hard to do, I know, when you’re in pain and freaking out.  But I swear it’s what pulled me out of the abyss and enabled me to feel human again.  You can get through this.  The hardest part is being so desperately sure that you can’t, but you can, and you will.  Hearing this from other Buddies is part of what helped me survive, so I’m saying it to you now—as others already have, I see.  My thoughts are with you.  

Thanks for the sugestion and i"m happy that you've recovered 

I know all the coping tools, they arent adequate to my situation as my body and mind are in a state of shock that is not fight or flight neither hypersensitivy to sound and light. It cant handle anything, like everything is over stimulating and its not something i can control with the mind. Trying to breath is also too much for it to stand

I know its not understandable from the outside and i wish i could explain it properly. Only the thought of for example listen to music or watch some video or taking something out of the fridge because i"m hungry makes me want to throw up but not literally, more from the whole body. When i finally grab some food and eat it,  it all gets worse mentally and physically despite having a big apetitte and really loving to eat. Have to eat fast and suffering, not because of pain or gi issues. Cant watch or do anything that is part of life, spend my days waiting for the sleeping time, only a few hours. I cant see how i"ll keep doing this without a bad outcome 

[[Mi...]]

[[...]]

@[Mi...], it is still unbeliveble to me,  from a sci fi horror movie