I cant take this anymore, i dont know what to do

[[...]]

I cant describe, i try, i cant, no one could survive this 

If only i could lay, sit, stand, i  cant exist in any way 

Theres no help but i cant help  needing help 

Edited July 26 by [...]

[[I ...]]

Hello. How long you're off?

[[PE...]]

Akathisia?

[[Le...]]

you can survive it. many of us have and even looking back it seems impossible that we have. we did. 

[[...]]

41 minutes ago, [[I...] said:

Hello. How long you're off?

Off from a perfect taper 10 months ago, all good 

Ruined t all by taking rescue doses 8 months ago, one dose triggered severe withdrawl, issues i never had before , getting worse by the day, lost all my life, body cant handle the destruction 

Edited July 26 by [...]

[[...]]

22 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

Akathisia?

Worse as akathisia has movement as a way of aleviate things 

I dont have a name for this after all these 8 months getting worse 

Its like my nervous system is in shock and cant handle anything, the act of physically existing is over stimulating, not in a psychological way even though of course the mind is also very chemically affected 

Cant be anywhere, crying or talking makes it all worse and all i want to do is cry but cant as it attacks me more violentely 

Taking something out of the fridge is like throwing myself to lions, like being in a constant urge to pee and evacuate at the same time and cant even sit

Body weights 1999 kilos pulled by gravity, feet smashed to the ground, no fat pad on heels, legs stiff swallen about to explode, cervical muscles contracted and weak barely holding head, cant move head as it has injury on neck from this, big hunchback, all deformed like an old person

Housebound unable to do anything, lost everything, cant sit, cant lay, cant stand or pace, body is telling me theres no condition to go on and i keep pushing it and pushing it causes more damage if the body cant handle the body

[[PE...]]

Edited July 26 by [PE...]

[[id...]]

I am so sorry for your suffering.

I know exactly what you are going through.

My worst month was month 9 or 10. My symptoms were so severe I ended up in a neuro ICU because they thought I have some serious brain damage. I got significantly better soon after that. 

Right now I am in a wave, 6.5 years post taper. It's just as bad as acute. Everything that you are describing I'm going through as well. I KNOW it should get better because it did before but I have hard time believing it because I'm in agony in the moment. 

[[...]]

As i said, worse than akathisia as it at least has movement/pacing etc as a way of aleviate it. I cant even move that it makes it worse 

[[PE...]]

[[...]]

1 minute ago, [[i...] said:

I am so sorry for your suffering.

I know exactly what you are going through.

My worst month was month 9 or 10. My symptoms were so severe I ended up in a neuro ICU because they thought I have some serious brain damage. I got significantly better soon after that. 

Right now I am in a wave, 6.5 years post taper. It's just as bad as acute. Everything that you are describing I'm going through as well. I KNOW it should get better because it did before but I have hard time believing it because I'm in agony in the moment. 

Glad you got better then 

What caused the setback for you?

My issues were all caused by rescue doses, it severely kindled me, maybe i should just reinstate but scared of even worse 

[[...]]

2 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

Not much.. I was crying and screaming all day long..

I understand, not trying to minimize your suffering, just saying i cant even do those things that ease things for normal people, if i cry it all attacks me more, cant do anything, no way this is doable for the body to handle 

[[Le...]]

its all time and doing what you can to keep as healthy as possible. that may not be much. 

[[Le...]]

you are typing. that was beyond me for 4 months. 

[[...]]

2 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

you are typing. that was beyond me for 4 months. 

That also concerns me, i never hád the symptoms or complaints people usually have. Those went away eventually for them. This seems to be too much damage, hope i'm wrong, body cant keep up to what's going on 

[[PE...]]

7 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

you are typing. that was beyond me for 4 months. 

Same here! No internet no tv..

[[Le...]]

you have most of them i had at about month 6. i had started improving a little by then.  this is doable just very difficult. beyond the imagination of anyone who hasnt gone through it. a person can survive a lot when there is little other option. 

[[...]]

My self is gone, lost a connection to self and life different from DPDR, hard to keep some sanity when the brain doesnt have something to anchor to. Cant distract in any way because of this, no music, no contacting friends, no nothing. If i happen to see a photo of myself or something that was part of life its a big shock and my system cant handle it,  makes me want to throw up as its all from another world far away that i cant reach. I"d give everything to reverse the mistakes i made and be normal again, cant see how am i going to get out of here

[[Mi...]]

Agua, you are like my wife, so similar....

[[...]]

35 minutes ago, [[M...] said:

Agua, you are like my wife, so similar....

How can we get of this alive? If only we knew how reinstatement would work at this point. It would likely calm us, if if even worked, but wouldnt likely mask the damage revealed, let alone the irreversible deformities 

[[Le...]]

you heal. it does end. 

[[...]]

I really dont know, no one does, we're all different 

[[Le...]]

when is what we dont know

[[Cr...]]

@[...], you are heavily focused on the "what if"s which is a normal part if anxiety. You may find more strength if you finally let go of the past. You can't undo those rescue doses just like I could not undo my one night of heavy drinking which brought all sorts of hell upon me (which led to my own rescue doses even later).

Regret will do nothing but make you dwell on what you should, or should not, have done. None of that is going to be any help for you currently. Try to accept that you made mistakes. You are only human. 

If you can learn to accept that, you can also learn to accept these current scary feelings/symptoms. Yes they can be terrifying, but in the end they are still sensations which are the noise/aftershocks from the positive changes going on within your body.

Every hour, or even minute, you make it through gets you all the more closer to being healed. 

[[...]]

@[Cr...] i think my mind goes automatically to that place because the change this has caused is drástic and i cant barely do the little things to survive like the simple act of taking something out of the fridge and eating it. Despite having a big apetitte i have to avoid doing it as it all shows Its face more violentely, mentally and physically. Body is destroying it self and theres nothing i can to stop it 

These arent only sensations, it already caused injury in one knee, not sure if its from the muscle loss and rigidly, connective tissue loss, as well as back deformities, big hunchback with the neck forward, painfull injury in the neck that dosent allow to move head and cant treat it, feet have lost fat pad too which is devastating. Face structure changed, dents rapidly appeared on the forehead like the skull is too tense and led to this marks, not me anymore. Lips, inside of the mouth, chin, all shrank not due to weight loss. Its impossible to look at this without regret no matter how i try. Not to mention this hás chemically changed my mind as well, creating OCD traíts