I hate taking my Benzo while I taper, taking poison hoping the next day won’t be hell

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Every night when I have to take my 2.5 Valium before bed (my only dose at this point), I absolutely hate it.  It goes against every fiber of my being when I feel fine (nightime almost all my symptoms are gone ) and now that I know what it’s doing to me and my gaba receptors.  I feel so good at night now and when I put that pill in my mouth I know in just a few short hours I’ll wake up in hell and it will last 12 more hours… 

Continuing on Valium makes me so sad - just makes me want to cold turkey and I know I can’t.  
 

anyone else feel the same ? 

Edited July 24 by [...]
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[[vo...]]

[[Js...]]

When I was tapering, yes.

It was like....love and hate. I was afraid of heart palps and withdrawal symptoms, but also hated myself for having to take a pill to survive the road ahead and ultimately reach sobriety.

In hindsight, I wish I looked at it like a tiramisu, bittersweet. We are saying goodbye to a drug, but doing it responsibly. We did not start at a certain dose, so we should not come off the drug all of a sudden either. My symptoms were hell during my taper, but they would have been a lot worse without it.

Stay the course, each day is a fight worth having <3

[[Al...]]

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8 hours ago, [[v...] said:

Are you tapering off the valium @[...]? Without knowing your history, I would think you could start making cuts if you feel fine at night. Maybe there's something I am unaware of or need to do differently so you don't have whatever you have going on hours later. I surely hope you could do that...

Hi @[vo...]I am sorry I haven't figured out how to put my history on my profile.  I was prescribed Ativan in June of 2023 for sleep - I wasn't encouraged to take it 3 times a day but I only I took .5 every night for a year, I thought I was doing the right thing.  My health detiorated significantly in that time but could not figure out what it was - then realized this year it was the avtivan interpose withdrawal and possibly dependence when I realized that I went from .5 to .25 this month then found a psychiatrist that would taper me  - she then switched me to 2.5 diazepam which I've been on now for a little over a week - my symptoms are heart palpitations, high heart rate and morning depression and intrusive thoughts that don't shake off until mid to late afternoon - absolute dread and sadness and body pain and inability to eat.   I feel horrible for the first half of the day, non functioning then it's like I turn a corner at night ... not sure what I could to to make any of it better and am thinking of seriously checking myself into a facility.  

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9 hours ago, [[A...] said:

I feel the same. I hate having to put this stuff in my body because the alternative (CT) is even worse.

@[Al...] I feel you,  where are you in your recovery ? 

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9 hours ago, [[J...] said:

When I was tapering, yes.

It was like....love and hate. I was afraid of heart palps and withdrawal symptoms, but also hated myself for having to take a pill to survive the road ahead and ultimately reach sobriety.

In hindsight, I wish I looked at it like a tiramisu, bittersweet. We are saying goodbye to a drug, but doing it responsibly. We did not start at a certain dose, so we should not come off the drug all of a sudden either. My symptoms were hell during my taper, but they would have been a lot worse without it.

Stay the course, each day is a fight worth having <3

@[Js...] thank you for saying this I struggle so much because at night I feel so much more like myself then I take my dose and I feel like my body goes through hell for 12 hours, I wake up with the morning dread and depression.  How long did you taper for? 

[[Ho...]]

On 22.7.2024 at 17:25, [[p...] said:

Idealerweise sollten Sie eine Dosis wählen, die hilft, die Symptome zu minimieren. Sie müssen entscheiden, wie hoch diese Dosis ist. Wir können Ihnen nicht sagen, was wirkt und was nicht. Sie kennen Ihren Körper. Ich hoffe, dass Sie die Dosis finden, die für Sie wirkt. Lassen Sie uns wissen, mit welcher Dosis Sie stabilisieren möchten. 

 

On 23.7.2024 at 01:19, [[T...] said:

Es tut mir so leid, dass dir das passiert ist. Die Zeit wird dich heilen. Finde deine Kraft, einen Grund und einen Zweck, der dich leitet, oder Glauben, was auch immer, finde einfach einen Stein und einen Stern, der dich leitet. Denn wie Sarah McLauchlan singt: „Das wird höllisch wehtun.“ 

Mir ist etwas sehr Ähnliches passiert und ich habe es schnell abgesetzt, bevor es sich über Jahre hinzog. Ich bin mir nicht sicher, ob das die beste Vorgehensweise war, aber ich hatte die Ketten und Fesseln satt und habe einfach alles abgesetzt. Mir ging es schon total schlecht, also dachte ich, je weniger Gift in meinem Körper ist, desto besser. Wenn ich es noch einmal machen könnte, würde ich es langsam absetzen. 

Ich sende dir heilende Schwingungen durch das Internet. Es wird alles gut. Du schaffst das. 

Thank you. I wanna Go Back on the lower dose...

[[vo...]]

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@[vo...] thank you so much for your support, it means so much to not feel alone.  Where are you in your journey ?  I updated my profile to include my history.  I’m sorry about your intrusive thoughts sending you love - and healing.  I can’t wrap my head around something my doctor perscribed now has me so sick with a long road ahead.  I want to rip the band aid off but alas not Able to do that either.

 It sounds like you tapered how long did it take you ? I was thinking of going to a facility in California that does the Ashton method but every time I go to book the flight I can’t bring myself to leave my family knowing I’ll be there for a month or more.  I feel such guilt and shame 

[Guest [Do...]]

[Guest [Do...]]

Edited July 24 by Guest

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18 minutes ago, [[D...] said:

Hi @[...] i feel exactly the same. I am at 2.80mg valium and i do feel great every night before i take my dose and i really hate it, i also feel worse in the mornings and i have been feeling like going CT to end the nightmare but i know it wouldn't end it.

@[Do...]we are really tracking along the same trajectory I’m feeling your pain and you’re right the nightmare wouldn’t end - feel free to message me when you need help and I will do the same - we can do this we really can 

 

[[vo...]]

@[...]

You're very welcome. We can keep talking if you think I can help you. I feel awful about what you’re going through. I can support someone who is suffering and wants to improve, but I can’t handle someone who only seeks pity and ignores suggestions. That would increase my anxiety, and I’m still in withdrawal, so it wouldn't be healthy for me.

To understand my situation better, it would be better if you read my history. It includes all the withdrawal symptoms I'm either currently dealing with or have overcome, along with the dates those symptoms ended. I only tapered off Xanax for two weeks, which was almost like going cold turkey. I didn’t know the dangers at the time. Then I started taking Ambien for insomnia, not realizing it affected the same GABA receptors as benzos, and that’s what I’m tapering off now. I’m currently at 13 months off Xanax, and that’s where all my withdrawal symptoms stem from.

Don’t worry about what the doctor did—it can’t be changed, so it’s best to move on and focus on where you are now. (I’m pretty straightforward, by the way.) You could go to California if you want, but you can also get a taper coach right here! I have one too. I don’t think I’d be great at helping someone taper, but with a coach here, you wouldn’t have to spend money or feel guilty about leaving your family. If you want help here, post in the “taper section” that you’re looking for someone to help you taper safely. Let me know how I can assist you. If you want to discuss whether to go to California for detox or stay here and use the group to taper, we can talk about that too. :-)

What state do you live in? Are you married? Do you have children? If so, how old are they? I have a daughter and two wonderful granddaughters, who are 11 and 8 years old.

 

Edited July 24 by [vo...]

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1 hour ago, [[v...] said:

@[...]

You're very welcome. We can keep talking if you think I can help you. I feel awful about what you’re going through. I can support someone who is suffering and wants to improve, but I can’t handle someone who only seeks pity and ignores suggestions. That would increase my anxiety, and I’m still in withdrawal, so it wouldn't be healthy for me.

To understand my situation better, it would be better if you read my history. It includes all the withdrawal symptoms I'm either currently dealing with or have overcome, along with the dates those symptoms ended. I only tapered off Xanax for two weeks, which was almost like going cold turkey. I didn’t know the dangers at the time. Then I started taking Ambien for insomnia, not realizing it affected the same GABA receptors as benzos, and that’s what I’m tapering off now. I’m currently at 13 months off Xanax, and that’s where all my withdrawal symptoms stem from.

Don’t worry about what the doctor did—it can’t be changed, so it’s best to move on and focus on where you are now. (I’m pretty straightforward, by the way.) You could go to California if you want, but you can also get a taper coach right here! I have one too. I don’t think I’d be great at helping someone taper, but with a coach here, you wouldn’t have to spend money or feel guilty about leaving your family. If you want help here, post in the “taper section” that you’re looking for someone to help you taper safely. Let me know how I can assist you. If you want to discuss whether to go to California for detox or stay here and use the group to taper, we can talk about that too. :-)

What state do you live in? Are you married? Do you have children? If so, how old are they? I have a daughter and two wonderful granddaughters, who are 11 and 8 years old.

 

Hi @[vo...] thank you for the kind response, I am 100% here to learn and take advice from the ones who have so bravely battled this before me.  I fully understand it’s so hard to see someone not take advice.  I’m sorry you are also suffering.  And a two week taper is cold turkey how terrible, I can’t imagine how painful, but here you are encouraging others 🙏🏻thank you. 
 

Your granddaughters are my daughters age - I have one she is 11, and my heart and soul, reason for living.  I live in Massachusetts and am married but my husband is not sympathetic at this point in my journey but rather indifferent which is hard, thank god for this community I would be lost.  
 

I’m staying put for the time being and going to have my psychiatrist work with me and Nicole Lamberson (she’s a coach for tapering), hoping to come up with a plan that is not painful over the course, because I cut 50% at the start of the month my psychiatrist believes it is why my symptoms are so difficult.  

for some reason, I can’t see your profile, im Not sure why ? 

Thank you for being a friend. 

[[vo...]]

[[On...]]

@[...]I feel your pain, remember feeling that way, trust me.

But as my husband said "follow the program".

Give yourself credit for tapering, you are already doing this 👏. 

I felt the same, it feels like poison. But you are treating the symptoms with the cause, it feels like a messed up homeopathy, but trust in the outcome. 

Follow the good advice on here, and with your professional support too. 

Plenty of coping tools in place, keep building on them. 

🙏 🤲 

 

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47 minutes ago, [[v...] said:

@[...]LOLOL!!! I'm in Vernon, CONNECTICUT!!!!  Where the heck are you in Mass?! I can't use a "like" reaction - I've used up all my reactions for the day. I'm sorry your husband isn't sympathetic - no one in my family is either. But I live alone so I only have to put up with myself. I'm happy you have those two people supporting you through the tapering process. I understand the large cut initially. It's when you get down to like 3.0, 2.5 that I would think the cuts need to be in smaller amounts, to hopefully avoid all the withdrawal symptoms.  Stay in Touch :-)  Here's a link to my history:

https://benzobuddies.org/profile/337980-[vo...]/?tab=field_core_pfield_34

@[vo...]!  Oh wow we are practically neighbors !  My daughter is in Stamford right now visiting her auntie !  We live in North Andover.  I’m hoping you’re right - I’m at 2.5 for hoping another week to stabilize then will make a small cut.  Hard to know if I’ll be able to handle .5 but I’m going to start much smaller to be safe - I have to function.

Thank you for sending your link I’ll look now - and remember you may live alone but you’re never alone ! Here any time for you ! 

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34 minutes ago, [[O...] said:

@[...]I feel your pain, remember feeling that way, trust me.

But as my husband said "follow the program".

Give yourself credit for tapering, you are already doing this 👏. 

I felt the same, it feels like poison. But you are treating the symptoms with the cause, it feels like a messed up homeopathy, but trust in the outcome. 

Follow the good advice on here, and with your professional support too. 

Plenty of coping tools in place, keep building on them. 

🙏 🤲 

thank you @[On...] you got yourself a great husband that is supporting you - must make a huge difference!  I really appreciate your encouragement- i want to never see another Benzo ever in my life.  How are you doing in your journey with it all ? 

[[Js...]]

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21 minutes ago, [[J...] said:

 @[...]

I have a progress log in the threads that details a little bit more about my journey. I try not to be too vocal with my rapid taper (14 days maybe), primarily because I don't wish the intense pain on anyone, nor do I think it was wise, only situational.

5/19/24 is when I put my mind on a taper, June 15th is when I joined BB. I was sober for 2 weeks prior to joining BB.

It's a miracle that I am still alive and healthy today; frankly, 60 days ago, I did not think I would be.

Your Buddy,

Jsmith

@[Js...]god bless you, an absolute warrior, you are here, you are healthy and you are helping others. You aren’t alone and you will continue to heal, I believe this with all my heart. I’m so sorry you went through such an intensely painful process.  🙏🏻 

[[Bu...]]