Desperate because of Valium Chaos and polydrugging Nightmare

[[Ho...]]

10 hours ago, [[F...] said:

@[Ho...] das ist erstaunlich, dass Sie mit Pferden gearbeitet haben ... Ich liebe das Reiten. Ich reite zum Vergnügen, nicht für Wettkämpfe oder so etwas. Ich genieße es einfach, im Stall zu sein und dort meine Ruhe zu haben. Es ist körperlich sehr anstrengend, im Schritt und Trab zu reiten, besonders jetzt. Aber ich weiß, dass ich mit der Zeit stärker werde.

Du wirst dein Leben wieder in den Griff bekommen, Hope, das verspreche ich dir. Ich weiß, ich werde es auch. Und wenn wir dort ankommen, wird es so schön sein.  

Die Frau auf dem Bild bist du, und vergiss das nicht. Du bist sie. Stark, mutig und unglaublich. Du bist tapfer. Gib die Hoffnung nicht auf, bleib stark im Glauben.

Liebe,

Erbittert

@[Fi...] thank you. I'm crashing everyday because i'm so traumatized.

My Life was AMAZING. And i feel deep inside my that i lost it and it will Take jears to get it Back, Maybe. Maybe i will end up protracted Like with Prozac. 

I lost Hope to be honest. Really.

I have disability, i Life allone in an Appartment and im crying every second because i Miss EVERYTHING from my Stolen Life. 

I worked damn hard to build up that AMAZING life which i had. It seems Impossible to get it Back. I'm a Walking pharmacy....

I can't believe that this invincible Happy Woman isnt there anymore. And that since more then 3,5 jears.

[[oc...]]

Invincible is the word. You look amazing and will be there again. I see the strength in your eyes and smile.

[[Fi...]]

@[Ho...]You will have it all back and more.  Your nervous system is just damaged right now, but it will heal.  I    know you feel awful, I    do too.  I    had to just modify my class schedule at school from one in person and one online, to both online.  I    wanted to try in person but it is just too much for me.  I     can't handle learning the material and dealing with the agoraphobia too.  So I    had to take a step back, but I    know I    will get strong enough to be in person.  And maybe one day we will work together!  I    want to be an equine assisted psychotherapist.  The horse I    ride, Finley, he saved me.  I    started as a participant because my nerves were so damaged...there were times I    was at the barn sobbing on Finley, he was probably like oh gosh not her again...or perhaps he was like do not worry, I    have got this, I    will carry you around and you will be okay.  And Hope let me tell you, I    would feel like I    was going to literally just collapse or explode or I    do not even know when I    started.  My nerves would be vibrating, I    could not see straight, I    could not breathe, I    was having panic attacks, I    did not want to go half the time, I    felt like I    was on fire...but.  In time, it got better...have you considered trying to be around horses for therapy?  Not for work?  It could open some new pathways and be a distraction...I    remember driving to the horse farm and just thinking of a million reasons to turn around and how ridiculous I    was for even thinking I    could ride a horse.  Now, I    just love my Finley.  It is hard work, and I    feel like crap doing the work, but usually feel better after.  I    have to drink coconut water I    have learned because like you I    am little, and dehydrate fast.  I    am 5'3, 110lbs.  Oh, and I    am a little older, I    am 40 years old.  I  plan to have a small farm one day, horses, barn...and see clients as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.  First I    will get my LMSW, and I    hope by then I    will be functional enough to work.  Once back to work after 3 years and I    think 3000 ours I    can apply and test for the LCSW.  I    have big plans, and several years ago I    had none when I    could barely write.  I    know your pain, but please use me as an example.  I     tried the resting and relaxing to heal, it did not work for me...I    had to work for it.  And it was really hard, it still is I    have a long way to go.

I    would love to hear more about your practice as an equine chiropractor!  Please tell me everything if you feel up to it, your training, how you go into it?  Did you ride before becoming a practitioner?  And what country are you in?  I    am in the USA.

Love, peace, and prayers,

Fierce

[[Ho...]]

8 hours ago, [[o...] said:

Unbesiegbar ist das Wort. Du siehst fantastisch aus und wirst wieder da sein. Ich sehe die Stärke in deinen Augen und deinem Lächeln.

Thank you so much. Everyone tells me that. That they still See the strengt in my eyes. That they still See the Woman which i lost. I Had to Print those Pictures and pinned it to my wall. 

But i can't feel the Woman behind the pills. I can't reach her. Sometimes IT feels Like she is sitting next to me and telling me that i have only to stay alive and breathing and that i will recover without Hope in my Heart. 

And sometimes im crashing and collapsing on the Floor, crying and screaming while Holding my riding boots and my Treatment bag in my Arms.

There is nothing Else i can do.

Everytime If i wake up the Trauma smashes into my face and then into my chest. 

I think the drugs are making me worse on top of the Withdrawal and im Not stable enough to taper after this Cut in a half and the updosing.

But i feel slighty better since 3 days. I'm more active in the House. Before i was bedbound.

I feel like a Mustang trapped in a horrible little stable..... The 1% Chance that i could treat and helping horses keeps my alive. 

And every SECOND which im seperated from my passion literally Kills me.....

[[Ho...]]

2 hours ago, [[F...] said:

@[Ho...]Sie werden alles zurückbekommen und noch mehr. Ihr Nervensystem ist im Moment nur beschädigt, aber es wird heilen. Ich weiß, dass Sie sich schrecklich fühlen, ich auch. Ich musste meinen Stundenplan in der Schule von einem Unterricht in Präsenz und einem online auf beide online umstellen. Ich wollte es mit Präsenzunterricht versuchen, aber es ist einfach zu viel für mich. Ich schaffe es nicht, den Stoff zu lernen und auch mit der Agoraphobie umzugehen. Also musste ich einen Schritt zurücktreten, aber ich weiß, dass ich stark genug werde, um persönlich anwesend zu sein. Und vielleicht werden wir eines Tages zusammenarbeiten! Ich möchte eine pferdegestützte Psychotherapeutin werden. Das Pferd, das ich reite, Finley, hat mich gerettet. Ich habe als Teilnehmerin angefangen, weil meine Nerven so beschädigt waren ... es gab Zeiten, in denen ich im Stall stand und Finley anheulte, er sagte wahrscheinlich so etwas wie „oh Gott, nicht schon wieder sie“ ... oder vielleicht sagte er so etwas wie „mach dir keine Sorgen, ich schaffe das, ich werde dich herumtragen und es wird dir gut gehen“. Und Hope, lass mich dir sagen, ich hatte das Gefühl, als würde ich buchstäblich zusammenbrechen oder explodieren oder ich weiß nicht einmal, wann ich angefangen habe. Meine Nerven vibrierten, ich konnte nicht klar sehen, ich konnte nicht atmen, ich hatte Panikattacken, ich wollte die Hälfte der Zeit nicht gehen, ich fühlte mich, als stünde ich in Flammen … aber. Mit der Zeit wurde es besser … haben Sie schon einmal darüber nachgedacht, sich zur Therapie mit Pferden zu umgeben? Nicht zur Arbeit? Es könnte neue Wege eröffnen und eine Ablenkung sein … Ich erinnere mich, wie ich zur Pferdefarm fuhr und mir eine Million Gründe einfielen, umzukehren, und wie lächerlich ich war, überhaupt zu glauben, ich könnte reiten. Jetzt liebe ich meinen Finley einfach. Es ist harte Arbeit und ich fühle mich dabei beschissen, aber danach geht es mir normalerweise besser. Ich muss Kokoswasser trinken, das habe ich gelernt, weil ich wie Sie klein bin und schnell dehydriere. Ich bin 1,60 m groß und wiege 50 kg. Oh, und ich bin etwas älter, ich bin 40 Jahre alt. Ich habe vor, eines Tages eine kleine Farm zu haben, Pferde, einen Stall … und als staatlich anerkannte Sozialarbeiterin Klienten zu betreuen. Zuerst werde ich meinen LMSW machen und ich hoffe, dass ich bis dahin wieder funktionsfähig genug bin, um arbeiten zu können. Wenn ich nach 3 Jahren und, glaube ich, 3000 Stunden wieder arbeite, kann ich mich für die LCSW bewerben und die Prüfung ablegen. Ich habe große Pläne, und vor einigen Jahren hatte ich keine, als ich kaum schreiben konnte. Ich kenne Ihren Schmerz, aber nehmen Sie mich bitte als Beispiel. Ich habe versucht, mich durch Ausruhen und Entspannen zu erholen, aber es hat bei mir nicht funktioniert ... Ich musste dafür arbeiten. Und es war wirklich hart, und es ist immer noch hart, ich habe noch einen langen Weg vor mir.

Ich würde gerne mehr über Ihre Praxis als Pferdechiropraktiker erfahren! Bitte erzählen Sie mir alles, ob Sie sich dazu in der Lage fühlen, Ihre Ausbildung, wie Sie dazu gekommen sind? Sind Sie geritten, bevor Sie praktizieren? Und in welchem Land sind Sie? Ich bin in den USA.

Liebe, Frieden und Gebete,

Erbittert

First of all, you people are AMAZING Here!

 

I'm older then you 😅 43 and 1,73 m tall with 64 kg.

 

Lately i Had Moments when i thought i could treat a horse from old clients Here and there. I tried it. It's f....ing hard to Drive to the stable and my good clients are knowing what happened to me.

 

When i treat a horse im in another world. It's the Connection between two creatures of god and we are Made from god and they are pure and incredible grateful. Since im sick i treated a few times. I felt the Connection, i directly found the hurting spines and treated them. Then i make acupuncture and i feel when everything is corrected. When im ending Up the Treatment and the Connection i burst into tears because i forgot for this Moment in which horrible Situation i am. And then they Trauma smashes into my Heart. The Trauma that i will Not Happy and grateful Drive at Home and sleeping Like a Baby.

It took me 2 jears to make the degree for osteopathy and chiropractic and 1,5 jears for the acupuncture.

I Had so many clients i was booked Out for Months. I was on the Goal of my lifedream.

And then i went directly to hell...

I'm wondering if im stabilizing more and Maybe able to Ride (i'm riding since im 5 jears old). Thats the Goal, to stabilize at this horrible 50 mg before Tolerance Kicks in. And then starting to taper. I PRAY it will Work that way. 

Clients are really Patient and First i was scared but i shared my Story on Facebook with them and they all Said they will wait, doesnt Matter how long. Two clients responded to my Post that their husbands suicided after getting on Antidepressant. I knew that before but i never asked why....

Horses are my Life Elixier, i need them and their smell and all the mudder and everything Like oxygen to breathe.

Every second at Home is a torture for me.

Btw, i come from Germany ☺️

How about you? What about the coconut water? It's interesting me....

It's incredible how you Push trough. I didn't reached the mental state to make Plans for the Future...

But since im more active in the House i started to create a working room where i can write Scripts to teach horses owners how to See whats wrong when spines are hurting and how to massage them and treating Trigger Points.

But it feels Impossible.

[[Ho...]]

I'm so scared today. I feel more stable because of the increased Dose but it doesnt Takes away my Withdrawal.

The Detox with CT from 30 to 16 mg was in November. Everything was fine. End of January WD Hit me like a bomb. I tried to Push trough but was to burned Out to Push trough.

Before i started healing First time since 3 jears! And now im convinced the CT and the decreasing will even prolong the suffering because i need to taper before im landing Up in tolerance again.

Doctor increased the Dose much to late. Two Months ago.

I can't Take another 3,4,5 jears anymore.

Can an Admin please Help?

[[Sh...]]

36 minutes ago, [[H...] said:

I'm so scared today. I feel more stable because of the increased Dose but it doesnt Takes away my Withdrawal.

The Detox with CT from 30 to 16 mg was in November. Everything was fine. End of January WD Hit me like a bomb. I tried to Push trough but was to burned Out to Push trough.

Before i started healing First time since 3 jears! And now im convinced the CT and the decreasing will even prolong the suffering because i need to taper before im landing Up in tolerance again.

Doctor increased the Dose much to late. Two Months ago.

I can't Take another 3,4,5 jears anymore.

Can an Admin please Help?

Hi Hope,

my heart goes out to you.... I send you warmth thoughts.

[[Be...]]

On 20/08/2024 at 08:35, [[H...] said:

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel worse now on the Higher dose. I rather want get rid of everything. I have toxic naps with adrenaline surges etc ...

I feel so lost. I have No Willpower after 3,5 jears of fighting 

I’m so sorry!!  I’m feel the same

[[Be...]]

7 hours ago, [[H...] said:

I'm so scared today. I feel more stable because of the increased Dose but it doesnt Takes away my Withdrawal.

The Detox with CT from 30 to 16 mg was in November. Everything was fine. End of January WD Hit me like a bomb. I tried to Push trough but was to burned Out to Push trough.

Before i started healing First time since 3 jears! And now im convinced the CT and the decreasing will even prolong the suffering because i need to taper before im landing Up in tolerance again.

Doctor increased the Dose much to late. Two Months ago.

I can't Take another 3,4,5 jears anymore.

Can an Admin please Help?

Are you there? 

[[Ho...]]

43 minutes ago, [[B...] said:

Bist du da? 

Yes

[[oc...]]

Hope81a,

Just a shout out to you. I am almost 4 months out of last dose....I too was polydrugged. I KNOW that for a fact now. I don't need drs to tell me, when I was completely off everything, things started to clear up. Yes I still suffer constant muscle issues (twitching and scary myoclonus and involuntary movements) but I can honestly say it WILL get better...keep your eye on the prize. I am and I'm feeling different and better every week. Try not to let all the symptoms scare you. I am trying to live by that too. Best to you