I HATE MYSELF!!!

[[be...]]

Hi guys. I have talked about electricity in my head so many times here. But it was one of my biggest mistakes that I have made in my life.

 

When I was jumping, I didn't know how important my vision was. Whenever I missed my dose, my vision started vibrating and got distorted and when I took Xanax again, it became normal again. But I just jumped after my fast taper because I thought my vision would be normalized again in a couple of days or weeks because I just wanted to live without Xanax ASAP. But it was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. I should have kept my vision normal until the end of my taper and should have reinstated right away if it started vibrating again. It was a huge mistake. My vision still keeps vibrating  or never gets any better more than 3 months after my jump. One of the biggest mistakes that I have ever made in my life. I just realized that my vision is 100 times more important than electricity in the head or whatsoever. I think eyes are more important than any other body parts on us.
 

Edited July 21 by [be...]

[[...]]

Cant forgive myself as well, life ruined, cant live 

[[Bu...]]

@[be...] and @[...]  I know things are bad right now, but it really does get better.  I had horrible vision problems starting about a month before I jumped (too fast taper, as well) and for about 6 months after.  I had soooo much pressure behind my eyes.  Near constant rippling lights and color splotches in my vision.  I could barely see out of my left eye, mostly just colors and movement, but no focus.  My right eye was better, but my focal points kept shifting around.  I had a day at about 4 months off where it let up enough for me to drive a short distance, but then it crashed back down for another 2 solid months after that, until it slowly started to improve.  It comes back occasionally now, but not often and not for long.

I'm sorry for everything that you both are dealing with.  This is just a long, crappy process.  Today is my 11 month off anniversary and I thought I would be so much further along.  But it's ok, because I am healing, just very slowly.  You'll start to notice small things. Even when I have a new symptom or have one morph into something else, I consider it progress because it means my brain is working the process.  Trust the process.  It is happening.

[[be...]]

10 minutes ago, [[B...] said:

@[be...] and @[...]  I know things are bad right now, but it really does get better.  I had horrible vision problems starting about a month before I jumped (too fast taper, as well) and for about 6 months after.  I had soooo much pressure behind my eyes.  Near constant rippling lights and color splotches in my vision.  I could barely see out of my left eye, mostly just colors and movement, but no focus.  My right eye was better, but my focal points kept shifting around.  I had a day at about 4 months off where it let up enough for me to drive a short distance, but then it crashed back down for another 2 solid months after that, until it slowly started to improve.  It comes back occasionally now, but not often and not for long.

I'm sorry for everything that you both are dealing with.  This is just a long, crappy process.  Today is my 11 month off anniversary and I thought I would be so much further along.  But it's ok, because I am healing, just very slowly.  You'll start to notice small things. Even when I have a new symptom or have one morph into something else, I consider it progress because it means my brain is working the process.  Trust the process.  It is happening.

Mine comes from the brain. My eyes don't feel any pressure now and my eyes are not shaky but the brain is distorting the vision and it gets shaky.

[[Bu...]]

11 minutes ago, [[b...] said:

Mine comes from the brain.

Mine, too.  There's nothing wrong with my eyes.  There wasn't anything physically putting pressure on them, it just felt that way.  

Since we all have a brain injury, this makes sense.  Every awful thing we feel is our damaged brain working hard to repair and right itself, but boy, does it hurt sometimes! 

[[be...]]

I have read so many bad stories about vision. They usually get severely protracted and it is scary.

[[...]]

@[Bu...], my issues are much worse than visual sensations, i destroyed all my health with rescue doses of benzos after a succesfull taper and feeling great like never before. Already with irreversible injuries and disturbing physical changes that cant be treated.

Thanks for your kindness though, i hope it all goes well for you 

[[...]]

2 minutes ago, [[b...] said:

I have read so many bad stories about vision. They usually get severely protracted and it is scary.

You're obviously not in the groups for a long time. I've been on the benzo groups for years and the visual and brain sensations always eventually go away for people no matter how severe it is 

[[On...]]

I'm that desperate would have ect!!

[[Bl...]]

@[On...]. I have tried it (I too was desperate) It doesn't work for Benzo withdrawal. 

[[be...]]

Edited July 23 by [be...]

[[Cr...]]

@[be...], I can use selective examples to back up my narrative as well. There are over 920 results for "vision problems".  Did you follow up on every poster to find out whether they healed later on or not?

Most of the threads people start on this site are about symptoms that are actively bothering them. Someone could have vibrating vision lasting 8 months and start a thread about it stating how awful and persistent it is. At 9 months that problem could be gone but they never bring it up again. People usually don't start threads to say symptoms are gone. If you search burning skin you will find posts about suffering with burning skin and rarely find posts by the same people about no longer having burning skin.

You cannot know if these people healed or not with regards to specific symptoms unless 1. You went through the remainder of their subsequent posting history and 2. They actually decided to make a post just to mention that specific symptom went away 

This person mentions vibrating vision. If I only read just this thread then I would assume that they never recovered. Luckily this person did follow up.

Quote

 

I can post about this..I had vision issues...

Blurry vision

Had to really focus to see computer words

Black specs

Silver specs

Illuminated lights like clock on oven completely blurry

Things especially patterns would literally look like they were moving in motion

Sometimes things that should be moving would appear to be vibrating massively

Then the most fun one.. I literally could see but in my mind felt blind like when I would reach for something is was as if I was someone who had no vision

Depth perception off

The list goes on but that's what I mainly remember.  It lasted a long time im not gonna lie it maybe like a year im sorry I know you hate to hear that.  However its gone now.

 

https://benzobuddies.org/topic/241494-vision-issues-support-group/?do=findComment&comment=3280971

This is a rare case where a member did follow up. Said it lasted for a year. You have been experiencing it for around 2 months and believe that means it is permanent.

The way you post about your wd is as though you have already made up your mind that your symptoms are permanent and you expect everyone else to prove you wrong. That is not a good way to use a support site. For your own well-being, and consideration of others, you may want to be more open-minded and less catastrophic.

Almost every symptom from depression, anxiety, vision, benzo belly, etc.. will have some posts you can find made by people 24+ months describing them as still being a problem. That is very rare. This site will have many rare cases simply by the nature of its purpose. Yes protracted withdrawal is real and can happen, but the odds are greater it will not. There is a great chance I could lose my life in a car accident on the way to work. Taking your approach, I would just give up on leaving the house and having a job by assuming my fate is already decided after I read past reports of fatal accidents on the road I drive to work.

[[Pa...]]

 

Thank you @[Cr...] for speaking up about the negativity I've encountered on this thread and others.  BenzoBuddies is a support site, we expect our members to ask for support, but as a peer to peer focused site, we expect our members to provide it as well.  The constant drumbeat of negativity isn't helpful and I'll venture to say its harmful to the greater membership. 

Please consider others when posting, if you truly believe you'll never recover that's your right, but please don't spend so much time trying to convince others when we're all just trying to survive this process. 

 

[[Em...]]

I agree with Pamster from the bottom of my heart. I have not been a member here for long but I already feel an obligation to be kind and try to be uplifting. 

Anyone going through benzo withdrawal must be able to put one self in other people shoes that come on here and read for example that their vision is likely permanantly ruined .. for real?

I sympathize with all of you who are in those rough spots, I really do. You must understand the power of your minds though. Watch every thought, believe and every word you say to yourselves. If you are in such horrible mindset things will only be even worse than they are. Go on youtube, start meditating please. Write positive affirmations on post its all around your home. Say stop to those thoughts when they come.

I say this out of love and mean it so well ❤ wish everyone strenght and healing 🙏🏼

[[vo...]]

9 hours ago, [[P...] said:

Thank you @[Cr...] for speaking up about the negativity I've encountered on this thread and others.  BenzoBuddies is a support site, we expect our members to ask for support, but as a peer to peer focused site, we expect our members to provide it as well.  The constant drumbeat of negativity isn't helpful and I'll venture to say its harmful to the greater membership. 

Please consider others when posting, if you truly believe you'll never recover that's your right, but please don't spend so much time trying to convince others when we're all just trying to survive this process. 

@[Pa...], @[Cr...] Since I joined just over a month ago, I've noticed that there seems to be even more negativity recently. It appears to come in "waves." This toxicity is disheartening. I don't understand what people are looking for when they do it over and over and over again, with just a different subject label to it or comment in a thread. If this had been the atmosphere when I first joined, I probably wouldn't have stayed—I didn't sign up for a doom and gloom group. If I had wanted that, I would have sought it out. I'm concerned about how other newcomers seeking help might perceive this group and its comments. Will they give this group a chance? I’d hate for them to miss out on the tremendous support available here. While I have compassion for everyone, it's frustrating to see people continually ignore the advice given to them. What are they actually looking for? I hope we can find a way to help keep everyone on track and minimize the negativity some way. I'm not sure how, but for the greater of our members having a positive atmosphere would certainly encourage members to sign on with anticipation, looking forward to what they read and to helping people who genuinely want assistance.

Edited July 24 by [vo...]

[[pi...]]

Thanks from me as well, @[Cr...] and @[Pa...]. 

This forum is a ray of hope for many. I was certainly lost at sea until I found BB and finally understood what I was going through. I gained a tremendous amount of knowledge, for me knowledge is power. It’s people like you, @[vo...]and @[Em...] and many others, who are the backbone of BB and understand what it means to give and accept support.

I agree that negativity comes in waves and that some people choose to ignore suggestions and encouragement provided by others. I had a Blog on the old platform and no matter how I felt, I always started it out with a statement of positivity. It might have been that I got dressed before noon or that I went outside my comfort zone. 

We will find a way to keep our mission alive, to support and encourage those going through a difficult withdrawal. We have a very diverse community, we need to understand when people are struggling and give them a reason to look towards better days.

[[En...]]

On 23/07/2024 at 01:09, [[b...] said:

You are wrong.

Read his posts and other peoples with vibrating vision. They are almost always permanent

r

This type of negativity needs to stop for the sake of us who are trying to keep it together. Negativity will add to the bad vibes of others and spread. I can understand you are suffering and feel you wont heal but one day you will find out you are wrong and will think back to how you were thinking. Being negative will not help your situation. Just make it much worse to go through. I'm not sure if you are normally a negative person but you need to stop. It is one thing to come on here for support during a very hard time in your life but it is another to try and justify your negative thoughts. It isn't mentally healthy to yourself or to others who are looking for help and support. You are triggering others. Think of how your threads impact others. 

[[Ca...]]

With respect to the Pos/Neg issues, I was reading an article few years back talking about veterans, telling their stories of war and how it affected them. Some suffering from PTSD, depression/anxiety, grief etc. but maybe have no one to talk to about it and need to be heard, express it to whomever willing to just listen, without judgement or offering advice - just to care, perhaps understand. It's what I was first looking for on here almost 8yrs ago. Actually, first I needed to know what it was that I was going through since the doc didn't tell me anything or really know about it. I was about 5 mo into it and started to see symptoms I could identify in the context of Benzos withdrawals syndrome. Then I could see I was among friends hearing and understanding me where others on the "outside" wouldn't or really couldn't, having never gone through it. So when I see "negative" stories of being scared, suffering in silence, being distrusted etc. I'm there for them - to hear (read) and appreciate how difficult it really is, let them know just that. It's refreshing to see someone being honest about what it is without holding back and speak freely about it. I'm not so concerned about attitudes etc. since I do think it's the willingness to heal that's all that's required on a different level, I've no doubt is already decided. Though it could very well be helpful to hope, imagine having healed and emerging the better for wear and tear. I tend to just want to be realistic about the trajectory of my path fwd. But of course I don't know what that looks like in my case, but only mine since everyone is different. I don't know if I'm going to heal in this lifetime or not, whether it's even possible given the fact I was on Clonazepam at a high dosage of 6~8mg /day, 30-day rapid-detox. My Rx was for 3mg, the rest I (like an idiot) got from MX. Also OD'd from Nembutal, still no visible light at the end of the tunnel. So I don't expect I will heal which is what it is - again, in my case only. I know there are comments made on here that are toxic negativity as well as toxic positivity and not in good faith but I tend to think those are rare cases that fizzle out over time. I don't usually read success stories since I don't have the patience and I can't feel anything anyway. Yet I am optimistic about my own reality beyond Benzos. I am so grateful for BB!!

[[Pa...]]

1 hour ago, [[C...] said:

With respect to the Pos/Neg issues, I was reading an article few years back talking about veterans, telling their stories of war and how it affected them. Some suffering from PTSD, depression/anxiety, grief etc. but maybe have no one to talk to about it and need to be heard, express it to whomever willing to just listen, without judgement or offering advice - just to care, perhaps understand. It's what I was first looking for on here almost 8yrs ago. Actually, first I needed to know what it was that I was going through since the doc didn't tell me anything or really know about it. I was about 5 mo into it and started to see symptoms I could identify in the context of Benzos withdrawals syndrome. Then I could see I was among friends hearing and understanding me where others on the "outside" wouldn't or really couldn't, having never gone through it. So when I see "negative" stories of being scared, suffering in silence, being distrusted etc. I'm there for them - to hear (read) and appreciate how difficult it really is, let them know just that. It's refreshing to see someone being honest about what it is without holding back and speak freely about it. I'm not so concerned about attitudes etc. since I do think it's the willingness to heal that's all that's required on a different level, I've no doubt is already decided. Though it could very well be helpful to hope, imagine having healed and emerging the better for wear and tear. I tend to just want to be realistic about the trajectory of my path fwd. But of course I don't know what that looks like in my case, but only mine since everyone is different. I don't know if I'm going to heal in this lifetime or not, whether it's even possible given the fact I was on Clonazepam at a high dosage of 6~8mg /day, 30-day rapid-detox. My Rx was for 3mg, the rest I (like an idiot) got from MX. Also OD'd from Nembutal, still no visible light at the end of the tunnel. So I don't expect I will heal which is what it is - again, in my case only. I know there are comments made on here that are toxic negativity as well as toxic positivity and not in good faith but I tend to think those are rare cases that fizzle out over time. I don't usually read success stories since I don't have the patience and I can't feel anything anyway. Yet I am optimistic about my own reality beyond Benzos. I am so grateful for BB!!

Thank you for sharing your perspective @[Ca...], there is merit to it and I hope we, as a community can strike the right balance for all of our members.