Shame, anger, the ugly side of recovery

[[vi...]]

First of all, I am not a native speaker of English, in case something reads unnatural 

When I was planning to quit benzos, I got informed a lot on what to expect. The withdrawal timelines scared me, and to be honest, I quit before I intended because I ran out of supply. I got through the first four days, which were absolute hell on earth. However, I knew it was going to be over so I pushed through.

 

Progressively, I got better and better. I got to sleep very quickly, and in a matter of weeks, I was a functional person again. I got to work, to study... But some thoughts and some emotions never stopped haunting me. And I couldnt blame them any longer on WD. There was shame, anger, frustration at the realisation of having been poisoning my most important organ. Of altering my reality. Of believing naivelessly in competence of people, wether it's doctors, big pharma, counselors... I began taking benzos when I commenced college. Although I am not a shrink, I am a dentist, so I know that doctors dont give a flying fuck about you, and the patients have most of them the stupid idea that doctors are light beings. In dentistry as in all medical fields, you can see that the vulnerable, the poor, the maladapted, the wronged, the weak, the stressed out, the dysfunctional, is the ill. It sounds catastrophic but if you think otherwise know that benzo users are more prone to  basically all mental conditions. How could it be otherwise?

 

I feel as a wronged child again. Been taking them from 18 to 24, sometimes abusing them a lot.

Take a look on what do benzos do to your brain. I mean it's pure biology. It reduces the flow of serotinine and norepinephrine, for example. You do that to your brain for months and even years continually, rationalizing this distress, and you expect not to end up a little insane? Come on

 

I think it's important to recognise it, so we can get though it. I dont know about you, but I have absolutely no physical symptoms, so this realisation has helped me. I might come across as cynical, self defeating, grim. I genuinely say that I personally think that this cynism is even a good sign that you are no longer a naive person. I saw a post titled "Will I get my previous self?". My dear, if your previous self brought you to this, of what use was It? Thats a film quote I like. I hope the best for you sincerely 

Edited July 20 by [vi...]

[[Em...]]

Hi,

I understand very well what you are descibing. I feel like that too.

I look at it as my biggest lesson learned; I don't put doctors on a pedistal anymore. I know that most of the research on drugs is paid for or done by the drug companies themselves. This industry is very corrupt. It sucks that this had to happen for us to realize that but at least we do now.

Good to hear that you are doing so well 🙏🏼 you are a wiser and stronger person because of this even if it cost a lot. Wish you all the best in life and a peace of mind 💜

[[Fa...]]

9 hours ago, [[v...] said:

My dear, if your previous self brought you to this, of what use was It?

Harsh, but there is truth in it depending on what brought you to the drug in the first place.  Some have been prescribed the drug off-label for conditions that have nothing to do with anxiety.