Is there something more wrong with me ?

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I can’t believe how bad this is feeling for me and it makes me think there has to be something more wrong …  I was on .5 (sometimes more but never more than 1mg ) a day of Ativan for a year.  When I realized it was giving me interdose withdrawal depression, nausea, anxiety and weight loss I started tapering I took a big cut at the beginning of the month from .5 to 1 mg a day to .25 then transitioned to Valium 2.5. Where I have been for 5 days.  

I have insomnia, morning panic that lasts for hours, lack of appetite, palpitations, high heart rate, doom and dread, tremors, depression and no motivation to do any of the things I used to.  
 

is this all from withdrawal or is Something else wrong ? When will the cut stop causing so much hell in my life - my poor family I’m a shell of myself.  I feel despair when I think this will be going on for 6 more months.  

 

[[PE...]]

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@[PE...] thank you friend for the reassurance. Did your symptoms last your entire taper? And how long was your taper?

[[vo...]]

@[...] Keep in mind that you are accomplishing a lot. You used to be able to cope with all of the things you mentioned by treating it fully with these pills. Now you are doing it while tapering at a lower dose while tapering off. You are so strong compared to when you used to use more to get through anxiety and depression. Keep going and keep a positive attitude - that is what will get you through this.

[[PE...]]

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9 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

😊

Taper didn't work for me I was to tolerant. I finally ct 9 months ago.. it was rough but i came through to the world of living again..my healing is straight forward with no window's or waves. Only thing left is insomnia that i use THC for. But slept without it for two nights now 😁😁

My most troubled symptoms was anakthasia and vomiting. Every 4 hours at it worst.

@[PE...] wow.  Can I ask what dose you CTd from ? I wish I were brave enough to do that. when you say you were too tolerant what do you mean ? How did you know ?  I’m so sorry you had anakthasia and vomiting but I’m so happy to hear your healing is clear cut not with ebbs and flows it gives me hope. (My taper plan is so long it seems counterintuitive to be continuing so long but at the same time I have to show up every day as a mom) 

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16 minutes ago, [[v...] said:

@[...] Keep in mind that you are accomplishing a lot. You used to be able to cope with all of the things you mentioned by treating it fully with these pills. Now you are doing it while tapering at a lower dose while tapering off. You are so strong compared to when you used to use more to get through anxiety and depression. Keep going and keep a positive attitude - that is what will get you through this.

@[vo...] thank you for the reminder I’m pushing through I wish I had a crystal ball 🔮 to tell me when this cut will level out a little for me so I can regain a little normalcy before the next. 

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1 minute ago, [[P...] said:

I mean that for a while i started to be in withdrawal even if i was on huge amount of the stuff. I started with zopiclone for years with insomnia. At the end i was taking full blisters of everything. 150mg + diazepam a day. It was nasty.. I had to dose every 4 hour just to hold back the vomiting and crazy jerks. 

I don't blame any of this on any doctors. I abused it like crazy. I just couldn't take the wd symptoms so i kept upping doses until it did absolutely nothing for me.

@[PE...] you’ve been through hell - I’m so amazed at your ability to heal and you give me hope - at 2.5 Valium I should be able to do it just not functioning well right now, wishing I knew how to live like this, feels like survival.  My husband wants me to attend a dinner at a country club tonight and I want to lay under a weighted blanket for a week… did you make yourself get up and do life while you were withdrawing or did the anakthasia make it impossible ? 

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@[...] when I started withdrawaling I was convinced something was wrong or something else was going on.  I saw 2 PCPs, opthalmologist, psychiatrist, psychologist, 2 rheumatologists, and was scheduled to see a neuropthalmologist and neurologist.  During the peak of my withdrawal I was diagnosed with an autoimmune illness called sjogren's.  I had heavy skepticism of this diagnosis so before I started treatment I got retested and went for a second opinion.  I was completely open and honest with the doctor for the second opinion about my benzo withdrawal.  He was very kind and acknowledged what I was going through.  He retested my bloodwork for my reassurance but explained that he thought all symptoms are due to withdrawal.  I was negative on the blood work this time and negative for the disease.

I think benzo withdrawal mimics many diseases and one can go down an endless rabbit hole search for disease.  And my case shows that something can be found though disease is negative.  Luckily in my case I never started medication and I declined a biopsy.

I think sitting down with your PCP, explaining your situation, what you're going through can be very beneficial.  It is really nice having a doctor on your side while going through wd.  Ruling out serious disease is important and also reassuring if it is negative.

Almost all my symptoms are gone now.  I have mild lingering depression, insomnia, fatigue but it keeps improving every day.

Edited July 19 by [...]

[[PE...]]

[[Go...]]

@[...] I think most, if not all of us going through withdrawal ask the same question. I know that I went to doctors and hospital to get testing done: blood tests, CT scan, stool samples, etc. because I was convinced I was actually dying. I thought I might have stomach cancer at one point. When going through this, sometimes it really seems like something HAS to be wrong. And it is, but we know what it is. It’s the withdrawal. Seeking other answers did nothing but waste time and was upsetting because I felt I was never getting the answers I was looking for. I think you just need to hold where you are until it feels more tolerable and that’s all you can do until it passes. 

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2 minutes ago, [[G...] said:

@[...] I think most, if not all of us going through withdrawal ask the same question. I know that I went to doctors and hospital to get testing done: blood tests, CT scan, stool samples, etc. because I was convinced I was actually dying. I thought I might have stomach cancer at one point. When going through this, sometimes it really seems like something HAS to be wrong. And it is, but we know what it is. It’s the withdrawal. Seeking other answers did nothing but waste time and was upsetting because I felt I was never getting the answers I was looking for. I think you just need to hold where you are until it feels more tolerable and that’s all you can do until it passes. 

@[Go...] thank you, can I ask is it possible to live a normal life through tapering ? Like does anyone do the things they used to ? My husband is asking me to go to a dinner at a golf club tonight and I can’t fathom it but my family said I need to go - and I can’t leave him on his own to attend 

[[Go...]]

@[...] Yes, it is possible to live a normal life. As everyone says, there are ups and downs. Times where you are more functional and times where you are less functional. Right now, you’re having a hard time. But it will improve. I do not think you owe it to anyone to go to a dinner when you’re not feeling up to it. I’ve missed many events and obligations because I just could not muster the strength or energy. Compassionate people will understand. Selfish people will not. But it’s your responsibility to take care of yourself, not to appease the ridiculous requests of people who do not understand what you’re going through. 

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1 hour ago, [[G...] said:

@[...] Yes, it is possible to live a normal life. As everyone says, there are ups and downs. Times where you are more functional and times where you are less functional. Right now, you’re having a hard time. But it will improve. I do not think you owe it to anyone to go to a dinner when you’re not feeling up to it. I’ve missed many events and obligations because I just could not muster the strength or energy. Compassionate people will understand. Selfish people will not. But it’s your responsibility to take care of yourself, not to appease the ridiculous requests of people who do not understand what you’re going through. 

@[Go...] thank you friend it’s hopeful to know it won’t feel like this every day. I’m still trying to muster the energy to go …. I appreciate all of your support 

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3 hours ago, [[b...] said:

All of the symptoms you quote are quite in keeping with withdrawal .. especially towards the end . Obviously no one can tell you there’s nothing else wrong . Just a thought tho from a survivor of Ativan dependence , when they tried me on a switch to Valium I was 100 times worse … I know they say Valium is easier to withdraw from. That wasn’t the case for me .. I went back to Ativan and successfully tapered all the way  ( now around 7 years free) . That might be what’s causing the additional symptoms .

@[bo...] 7 years Ativan free you are proof it can be done and giving me so much hope.  I wonder if the Valium is making me worse it’s hard to tell - can you tell me More about how you knew you couldn’t tolerate it ?  Can you tell me about your taper process ? Thank you so Much your comment made me feel so much less alone 

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[[Ei...]]

As has been said, those symptoms seem very normal to me for benzo withdrawal.  Remember:  0.5 mg of Ativan is roughly equivalent to 10 mg of Valium.  0.5 mg is a lot.

When I did my taper (a decade ago, sheesh), I often tried to take steps that were too big.  I desperately wanted off, but the paradox is: the fastest you try to go, the worse your post acute withdrawal symptoms will be.

What worked for me was when I'd take a step and feel unbearably bad, I'd step back up a bit, then take a little longer the next time I do a cut.  

I realized the goal wasn't to get off, per se.  It was to feel normal and healthy.  So, going slower helped me feel better, which meant I was meeting the goal while moving down (make no mistake: I felt like shit, but slowing down helped me not spend all day on the couch in a state of panic for 12 hours a day).

Best of luck

Edited July 20 by [Ei...]

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25 minutes ago, [[E...] said:

As has been said, those symptoms seem very normal to me for benzo withdrawal.  Remember:  0.5 mg of Ativan is roughly equivalent to 10 mg of Valium.  0.5 mg is a lot.

When I did my taper (a decade ago, sheesh), I often tried to take steps that were too big.  I desperately wanted off, but the paradox is: the fastest you try to go, the worse your post acute withdrawal symptoms will be.

What worked for me was when I'd take a step and feel unbearably bad, I'd step back up a bit, then take a little longer the next time I do a cut.  

I realized the goal wasn't to get off, per se.  It was to feel normal and healthy.  So, going slower helped me feel better, which meant I was meeting the goal while moving down (make no mistake: I felt like shit, but slowing down helped me not spend all day on the couch in a state of panic for 12 hours a day).

Best of luck

@[Ei...] thank you for sharing your insight. A decade ago - that’s amazing that it is in your rear view now 🤍.  I didn’t look at it that way so in a sense I went from 10 mg if Valium to 2.5 mg of Valium in less than a month.  I’ve been at 2.5 for a week I will definitely hold for as long as I need to feel steady and then proceed with a hyperbolic taper because as you said the 12 hour panic couch and weighted blanket is unbearable.  Thank you again for your help and guidance! I’m so happy you’ve healed 

[[Bu...]]

Hello wren

 

i so sympathise with you and your “despair”

my situation is a bit different as I am not tapering, I’ve gone CT from 3.5 weeks of zopiclone six weeks ago. 

However I’ve been getting the exact same symptoms you are getting, and more :-( I agree with the others - they are typical of Benzo withdrawal. if you go looking for other diseases it may not be fruitful and may result in unnecessary investigations and treatments.
 

Sometimes I get so desperate I want to see a psychiatrist or turn up at the hospital.

Then I have to tell myself over and over again, that being put on more medication again, and getting even more exhausted at the hospital is the wrong thing for me.I have long covid so had very little energy to begin with. 

I also repeatedly tell myself that these horrendous pains (especially akathisia which is new recurring delight for me this week) are a sign of healing. 

Obviously we are all different and you must do what  do you think is right for you if you really suspect you have a physical disease. Some diseases like thyroid or adrenal problems can give some of the symptoms.

I wish you all the best with this horrible situation

heres hoping for a return to our normal selves as soon as possible:-)

 I’m so grateful for this site it gives me hope

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@[Bu...] I’m so sorry to hear you had Long C on top of withdrawal from zopiclone (never heard Of this drug).  I saw you are a mom too my daughter is almost 12 and this summer has been stolen away but benzodiazepine suffering, it breaks my heart minute by minute knowing I’m not showing up for her as I normally would she deserves so much more and better.  Feeling like this will go one for months or years on end sometimes makes me go to dark places - would they be better off without me.  I would never do anything but sometimes I can’t help but think they certainly would.  
 

sending hugs and prayers for better days 

[[Bu...]]