How? Life With Tragedies

[[Go...]]

This is the first time I have written about this yet.  It isn’t even in my diary.  For some reason I can’t bring myself to write it down anywhere else.  I’m seeking comfort.  Finding it nowhere.  
 

A month ago my 16 year old cat had surgery to remove a tumor.  She ended up getting a pulmonary embolism and dying in my arms 3 days later.  That was rough… it’s hard losing something you’ve walked with in life for so long.  She was always a fantastic cat and I’m not a cat fan.  But she was my Baby.  
 

Then my mother slid very fast towards the end, just like my father did 28 years ago.  She  battled cancer for 12 years.  Her pain and suffering in the last month were significant.  Without too many details - she also took her last breath in my arms last week. My mother.  My bestfriend.  My last parent.  I’m 33 and feel like a lost little child trying to find my way.  
 

I am 63 days CT.  The pain is unbearable.  I try to fake it around everyone (kids, family).  But night time comes and I have such intrusive thoughts.  Such pain and rage. All of my muscle twitching and straining is back.  I haven’t eaten anything in about a week due to the anxiety.  There is such worry in me that I want to just go with them. 
 

Where do I go?  What do I do?  How do I do this.  

[[Fa...]]

@[Go...]  My heart goes out to you.  I am so sorry for your losses.  Thank you for sharing your feelings and letting others in.  It's so important to express our grief and heartbreak.

Moving through abrupt discontinuation and grief at the same time would feel unbearable.  And, your body is working at healing while your heart is simultaneously working on healing.  It will feel as though you have lost yourself as you process healing on both levels.  We all feel as though we've lost ourselves in this, and most are not contending with the loss of loved ones.  Understand that you are moving through a lot right now, allow yourself the time to be 'lost'...if you didn't feel lost, I would be concerned.

You do this one day at a time while you allow all that wants to come up.  So much healing is taking place on all levels...mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.  You do this by knowing that it is time that will heal as hard a pill that is to swallow.  I swore one day I would have tattooed on my arm 'This Too Shall Pass' because we need that reminder constantly.  Allow, allow, allow.  Being kind and loving to yourself as you move through this is so important.  I truly hope you are able to give that to yourself.

You do need to eat...even if only meal drinks for the time being...and ensuring you are hydrating.  Your body needs energy in order to heal...on all levels.  Symptoms will feel much worse if you are not getting the nutrition you need.

Please keep connected here...keep engaged when you can.  Keep expressing your emotions.  Give yourself the time to move through this.  You are important, and you are needed by your family.  The world needs you.  Allow yourself time to heal.  That is what you do.  With the compassion you deserve.

Warmly,

F 

[[Go...]]

20 minutes ago, [[F...] said:

@[Go...]   

You do need to eat...even if only meal drinks for the time being...and ensuring you are hydrating.  Your body needs energy in order to heal...on all levels.  Symptoms will feel much worse if you are not getting the nutrition you need.

Thank you.  I will try to do all suggested.

I knew in writing this, that it would not be a topic responded to much.  It is scary in itself to think about.  But I needed to say something.  My mask is getting harder to wear.  My symptoms seem to be getting better a little bit, but I just don’t know what’s real anymore.  I feel like two hurricanes collided and I have no idea which direction something will hit me from next.   
 

Maybe most people are blessed and don’t go through these things while withdrawing.  I would pray that is true.  

[[Fa...]]

@[Go...]  I write posts that I do not expect much from...they are usually just to get something out of me that I feel compelled to write.  The important thing is you write it because there is a purpose to it.  You may not receive as many replies, but members are still reading.  You never know what others will receive by reading your post.  You may be very surprised.

It sounds like your life has shifted, and a new chapter is about to begin...born through much grief and loss.  I believe most people experience this at one or more points during their life.  It may not look exactly the same, but the outcome is the same.  Our course gets redirected in some way through trauma.  Have faith...you cannot see what is around the bend.  Just keep taking one step at a time.  And, to hear that you are feeling a little bit better is very good news.  In time, your perception of what is real will return.  We all are learning to let go of our masks.  It is not a bad thing...quite the contrary.

 

 

[[Go...]]

24 minutes ago, [[F...] said:

@[Go...]  I write posts that I do not expect much from...they are usually just to get something out of me that I feel compelled to write.  The important thing is you write it because there is a purpose to it.  You may not receive as many replies, but members are still reading.  You never know what others will receive by reading your post.  You may be very surprised.

It sounds like your life has shifted, and a new chapter is about to begin...born through much grief and loss.  I believe most people experience this at one or more points during their life.  It may not look exactly the same, but the outcome is the same.  Our course gets redirected in some way through trauma.  Have faith...you cannot see what is around the bend.  Just keep taking one step at a time.  And, to hear that you are feeling a little bit better is very good news.  In time, your perception of what is real will return.  We all are learning to let go of our masks.  It is not a bad thing...quite the contrary.

I wish I was so eloquent.  Thank you for the response, it has helped greatly. 

[[vo...]]

@[Go...] My heart goes out to you with everything you are going through. I think @[Fa...] spoke volumes in what she said, so I don't think I could say anything more to help. But just so you know, I have empathy for what you are going through while trying to battle withdrawal at the same time.

[[Go...]]

@[vo...] thank you.  Words from people who truly understand, mean so much.  Thank you. 

[[Bu...]]

I understand completely about “faking it” in front if your kids. If you are managing to do this and survive whilst grieving you are doing fantastic. 
you must be very strong. 
 

The struggle  we go through is hard to describe 

I wish you all the best with yours

[[Go...]]

5 minutes ago, [[B...] said:

I understand completely about “faking it” in front if your kids. If you are managing to do this and survive whilst grieving you are doing fantastic. 
you must be very strong. 
 

The struggle  we go through is hard to describe 

I wish you all the best with yours

Thank you, it is a struggle but nice to know people understand.  

[[je...]]

Even with people around us we feel lonely during withdrawal. I cannot imagine what it must be like when you have lost so much. Your situation will be difficult even for those not going through withdrawal. I know you’re probably trying to be strong for your family by trying to fake it, but maybe in these circumstances it’s okay for you to admit your grief? I don’t think any reasonable person would frown upon you being emotional over your loss. You too deserve support in these circumstances. If you’re not comfortable speaking with your family, maybe speaking to a friend or grief counselling will help. It helps to have someone you can talk to who can validate your feelings.

[[No...]]

@[Go...], I know your feelings, you are not alone and your story makes me cry right now. I've lost my mother when I was 33 and she died in pain from cancer in my hands too.. (and she was single mom). Really sorry for your loss and I know for myself that there are no words to take your pain away. Be as strong as you can and take care for yourself and your family.

[[mo...]]

I can’t put to words how sorry I am for your losses. I am actually in a similar situation. I’m 35 and my cat is my baby. He started having difficulty breathing in April. It’s been nonstop hospitalizations and treatments, with no answers.

Additionally, I just quit my job to become a full time caregiver of my mother who is dying of ALS. Her decline has been rapid and extremely disturbing to say the least. She has been my rock, my everything. I’m single and want nothing more than a family of my own. But I’m in no place to even date. Everything I pictured for my life has disintegrated knowing she won’t be there.

I tell my story not to compare, but to offer you true empathy and the knowledge that you are not alone. I hate that you are suffering. But know I’m beyond impressed and proud of you for enduring the pain of a CT benzo withdrawal in addition to all you are going through. Your strength is admirable and I hope to be half as strong as you. 

Please feel free to DM me if you need extra support or just vent. You are not alone.

[[Go...]]

4 hours ago, [[G...] said:

This is the first time I have written about this yet.  It isn’t even in my diary.  For some reason I can’t bring myself to write it down anywhere else.  I’m seeking comfort.  Finding it nowhere.  
 

A month ago my 16 year old cat had surgery to remove a tumor.  She ended up getting a pulmonary embolism and dying in my arms 3 days later.  That was rough… it’s hard losing something you’ve walked with in life for so long.  She was always a fantastic cat and I’m not a cat fan.  But she was my Baby.  
 

Then my mother slid very fast towards the end, just like my father did 28 years ago.  She  battled cancer for 12 years.  Her pain and suffering in the last month were significant.  Without too many details - she also took her last breath in my arms last week. My mother.  My bestfriend.  My last parent.  I’m 33 and feel like a lost little child trying to find my way.  
 

I am 63 days CT.  The pain is unbearable.  I try to fake it around everyone (kids, family).  But night time comes and I have such intrusive thoughts.  Such pain and rage. All of my muscle twitching and straining is back.  I haven’t eaten anything in about a week due to the anxiety.  There is such worry in me that I want to just go with them. 
 

Where do I go?  What do I do?  How do I do this.  

Hi @[Go...], I love your username. God IS good all the time. Sometimes it is difficult to understand why these things happen, especially when they seem to happen all at once. I’m not sure where you are in your faith, and I’m only bringing it up at all because of your name, so I hope I’m not incorrect in my assumption. But I can tell you that my faith is the only thing that has given me the strength that I need to get through this process. A verse that I have posted throughout my house as a reminder has really been helpful for me, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” This reminds me that all of our troubles in the world our temporary and that one day, we will feel no pain or grief or suffering. That is what I hold on to. I hope your faith can do the same for you. 🤍

[[Go...]]

5 hours ago, [[N...] said:

@[Go...], I know your feelings, you are not alone and your story makes me cry right now. I've lost my mother when I was 33 and she died in pain from cancer in my hands too.. (and she was single mom). Really sorry for your loss and I know for myself that there are no words to take your pain away. Be as strong as you can and take care for yourself and your family.

My mother chose to raise us without help from anyone - so she stayed single the rest of her life, too.  Thank you for the kind words.   The grief is great.  

[[Go...]]

3 hours ago, [[G...] said:

Hi @[Go...], I love your username. God IS good all the time. Sometimes it is difficult to understand why these things happen, especially when they seem to happen all at once. I’m not sure where you are in your faith, and I’m only bringing it up at all because of your name, so I hope I’m not incorrect in my assumption. But I can tell you that my faith is the only thing that has given me the strength that I need to get through this process. A verse that I have posted throughout my house as a reminder has really been helpful for me, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” This reminds me that all of our troubles in the world our temporary and that one day, we will feel no pain or grief or suffering. That is what I hold on to. I hope your faith can do the same for you. 🤍

That is a wonderful verse.   Where is it located?  I struggle in times like these, but I know that’s why we are here.  To grow in love and faith and understanding. God is good and even though right now I’m REALLY struggling… I know I will see the plan through hindsight.   It is just hard to follow when we have such losses.  I’ve been in bed for days.  Struggling to cope with life.  But God is good - This too shall pass. 

[[Go...]]

53 minutes ago, [[G...] said:

That is a wonderful verse.   Where is it located?  I struggle in times like these, but I know that’s why we are here.  To grow in love and faith and understanding. God is good and even though right now I’m REALLY struggling… I know I will see the plan through hindsight.   It is just hard to follow when we have such losses.  I’ve been in bed for days.  Struggling to cope with life.  But God is good - This too shall pass. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-17 😊 

The Bible tells us that in this world we WILL have troubles. Unfortunately, even having faith does not make us immune from the difficulties of this life. I, too, have experienced loss in more ways than one and have been through what I can only describe as hell on earth. But I try to keep in mind that this world is not my forever home. I don’t say any of this to discount your sorrow, but rather to try to give you some hope that it isn’t forever. God has good plans for you. “Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning”. The only thing that has ever consoled my grief is finding rest in God. I hope you can find a way to do that. 

[[On...]]

❤️ 🙏 🤲 

[[Re...]]

10 hours ago, [[G...] said:

This is the first time I have written about this yet.  It isn’t even in my diary.  For some reason I can’t bring myself to write it down anywhere else.  I’m seeking comfort.  Finding it nowhere.  
 

A month ago my 16 year old cat had surgery to remove a tumor.  She ended up getting a pulmonary embolism and dying in my arms 3 days later.  That was rough… it’s hard losing something you’ve walked with in life for so long.  She was always a fantastic cat and I’m not a cat fan.  But she was my Baby.  
 

Then my mother slid very fast towards the end, just like my father did 28 years ago.  She  battled cancer for 12 years.  Her pain and suffering in the last month were significant.  Without too many details - she also took her last breath in my arms last week. My mother.  My bestfriend.  My last parent.  I’m 33 and feel like a lost little child trying to find my way.  
 

I am 63 days CT.  The pain is unbearable.  I try to fake it around everyone (kids, family).  But night time comes and I have such intrusive thoughts.  Such pain and rage. All of my muscle twitching and straining is back.  I haven’t eaten anything in about a week due to the anxiety.  There is such worry in me that I want to just go with them. 
 

Where do I go?  What do I do?  How do I do this.  

I struggle to find the right words to say to you. My sincere condolences for your losses. There is nothing I can say to make the pain better. And I cannot even imagine going through this and benzo withdrawal at the same time.

You are in the right place and this community will support you.

There is nothing to do but take things one tiny moment at a time. No cure for benzo withdrawal and no cure for grief. This is part of this journey, accepting that the things we are taught to do to fix ourselves are the wrong solutions. Social support is key for all of us, but especially for you right now. You can get it online here and in other groups on Facebook and Reddit. You can get support from paid professionals as well in the drug harm community who understand this process. Grab some healing buddies and stay in touch with them.

[[Mo...]]

Please know that so many of us on here are hurting with you and for you. The pain of withdrawal and the losses you have suffered can seem unbearable.  God will get you through this.  Isaiah 43:2 says, "When you pass through the waters,  I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." And Isaiah 41:10 says, "so do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." I will be praying for you and everyone on here.

[[Go...]]

12 hours ago, [[M...] said:

Please know that so many of us on here are hurting with you and for you. The pain of withdrawal and the losses you have suffered can seem unbearable.  God will get you through this.  Isaiah 43:2 says, "When you pass through the waters,  I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." And Isaiah 41:10 says, "so do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." I will be praying for you and everyone on here.

Thank you.  I’m not usually the one who asks for prayers.  But, I really appreciate them in this time.  🙏🏻