To reinstate or not

[[...]]

This is like a CT but worse because of kindling. How can i accept the assault  this is having on the brain and body?  I"m unrecognizable and cant take this anymore. I wish i could go outside for fresh air, i wish i could lay in bed and stay there, its too much to be alive 

[[Mi...]]

Agua, how are you doing now? My wife is in very similar situation, with a lot of pain, no sleep, breathing difficulties, iinner (sometimes outer as well) trembling, akathisia, burning skin, head and much more other things....horrible and  exhausting....

[[...]]

@[Mi...], i'm very bad, a monster locked in the house, not me anymore. Did it happen the same to your wife, a single dose triggered severe stuff for her when it wore off? Cant seem to find no one who has this happening 

[[Si...]]

Hi agua, this happened to me too.  I only took my benzo on and off, very sporadically, usually no more than once a month.  A single dose triggered severe withdrawal.  I didn't realise it was withdrawal and started to self medicate with more benzo, now a few times a week.  That on and off use triggered even more severe withdrawal of course. Once I figured it out, I went on the benzo daily in order to taper.  Unfortunately all this just made me worse and worse.  I think if benzos still work for you and provide 24 hour or close to 24 hour relief, then it can be an idea to go on and taper off.  I now firmly believe that once a benzo turns on you and upping the dose has no effect or makes it worse, one should get off as fast as possible.  If you can stabilise on a benzo you can have a smooth and slow taper and not suffer too badly.

[[...]]

@[Si...] this happened after a successful and confortable taper of a benzo taken daily for many years. Once off i felt great, only had anxiety, didnt respect the recovery process and stupidly took several doses, weeks appart from each other, no issues til one of those triggered severe disabling really life altering issues i never had before once the dose wore off 

It kept getting worse but i was scared to reinstate, and still do, because what if it would give even worse withdrawl before its time to take the next dose?

That dose was 0,25 klon and the withdrawl started about 8 hours after taking it 

My daily dose was 0,5 twice a day 

What would you do in this situation?

Do you think my fear is reasonable given what happened with the dose? Or is it non sense?

7 months now since this started and I keep thinking i should have reinstated but given this atypical situation, is it a reasonable choice at all?

Cant keep existing this way but scared of even worse 

I ask honestly and not rectoric as i dont trust my own mind anymore 

Thanks for sharing 

[[Si...]]

Hi, I think if it took a while for the dose to wear off, that means you still respond to a benzo and you could think about going on it to taper.  It depends on the half life of the benzo.  Valium should last 24 hours.  If the reaction happened quite soon I'd be cautious, probably not go back on.  I think the important thing is if the benzo has turned on you to not take it. So if you did try taking it again and you had a bad reaction quite soon (or it doesn't have much effect), best not to take any more.  Only alternative is to try a much higher dose, but again if that also causes a bad reaction...no more!

[[Si...]]

Sorry just seen you said 8 hours.  I'm unsure - it was a lowish dose and lasted a fair amount of time, but not as long as it should.  That's tricky.

[[...]]

@[Si...]

It is indeed tricky, especially 7 months later, we never know how the benzo would work now

I think this is the kindling effect as its not a usual thing for one dose to caused this intensity of effects like a bomb exploded in the brain, i'm not the same person head to toe and mentally, lost everything, cant talk to people or leave the house, cant be in bed or rest 

So you wouldnt reinstate? 

I'm só traumatized that cant even look at the pill box but what if this fear is injury induced and doesent make sense?

When you say reinstating made you worse, did you reach tolerance rapidly? Worse once you started to taper?

[[Le...]]

more harm isnt the solution. 

[[...]]

@[Le...], the biggest harm was going CT from those doses with all the life altering repercussions of it. No one would have imagined but it happened 

[[dj...]]

From someone who reinstated twice after being off nearly a year both times…my advice is don’t.  Even with a more proper taper the symptoms got a lot worse.  I don’t know how kindling works but the process of going on and off seems to set off a bomb in the brain.  And each attempt just gets harder.  

[[...]]

@[dj...] but taking those doses had exactly that effect on the brain, on and off, thats why one triggered severe withdrawl and then another much worse than before, similar to a CT twice but worse because of kindling. What to do then? Its tough

[[Le...]]

the answer is always the same. recover. live healthy and push on despite it until things get easier again. the same advice that should be given to everyone entering a doc office. 

[[...]]

Prob is how to go on when the body is colapsing unable do the basic things to survive, with already irreversible injuries that cant be treated and more developing. Not saying that the benzo is the help at this point, but nothing is 

[[Ma...]]

You keep going. That’s all. 1 day, 1 moment at a time.

Watch jenswanphd videos on YouTube. Join Jennifer Leigh’s group that meets 3 times/week and has multiple resources including asking her questions. Read Baylissa’s blog about mindfulness etc; research radical acceptance and initiate it’s principles.

There is absolutely no way out but through. All the way through. No amount of regret is going to change what happened, no amount of anxiety is going to change the future, no manipulation, rumination, guilt, regret is going to change the fact that you got hit-unwillingly-and reinstating will not help you, considering your history (IMO).

Time and patience. THAT is the only remedy.

[[...]]

@[Ma...] its hard to accept i'm declining 

Thanks for your opinon on this 

[[Ma...]]

You’re not ‘declining’, you’re experiencing symptoms.

It’s important how you speak to yourself.

Please read Baylissa’s blog. It takes work, but float above your symptoms, allow them without judgement. You know what’s going on-withdrawal-so leave it alone. Just be. Don’t feed them. Surrender to the process.

Don’t add fear to fear.

Your body/brain is working to reach homeostasis. Try not to get in its way. Allow. And you will get there. Each night is 1 day closer.

I use Insight Timer for guided meditations on many things: panic, anxiety, healing, neuroplasicity-it gets me out of my head space. If you research any neural retraining program like DNRS or Gupta, meditation is key. It’s, ummm, like a medical coma. Putting the mind to ‘sleep’ so it won’t interfere with the body working on transmitters and more to heal. The brain believes what you tell it and your nervous system is looking for proof it is safe.

Try to be a co-creator in your healing. Let time pass. You WILL heal.

[[...]]

@[Ma...] oh believe, i am. I wish it could be different and only "sensations" like it is for most people but i have already very disturbing deformities 

I appreciate your sugestions and kindness but i"m not able to do those things 

[[vo...]]

[[Cr...]]

How did you taper to begin with? I can’t see it on your profile. 

[[Av...]]

Agua, I'm experiencing something very similar to you right now. I triggered a severe setback or kindling effect by drinking alcohol and caffeine. I have been in hell since the end of January, nearly 6 months. Some days I have really struggled to survive. My symptoms have been extreme. I have been tormented and tortured by extreme feelings of terror and fear and doom and have such bad akathisia that I have been pacing up to 18 hours a day. These are not my only symptoms.

I have seen very little improvement in all that time. But, I absolutely will not, now or ever, take another benzo. I only wish I'd known about the dangers of drinking alcohol post benzo as I would have said the same about alcohol. No benzo or any other psyche med or alcohol or any other substance will enter my body as long as I live unless it is a life saving treatment. And, even then I will extensively research what the Doctors want to give me.

When I came off Valium over 10 year ago, which incidentally was after kindling and a CT of Lorazepam, I recovered. It took a long time, but it happened. I was living a decent life. And, the way I did it was by NOT taking any other benzo or psyche med or any other mind altering substance and allowing my brain to heal. I had desperate times when I really considered taking something.

I have had desperate times recently also. But, deep down I just know that reinstating would cause more trouble. Believe me when I tell you that I have really struggled to survive this last 6 months, it has been torture and painful beyond what words can describe. And, it is still ongoing. But, I know that the only way to heal is to push on through.

Please try to be strong. It takes an inordinate amount of strength, I know, but please try! In time I am absolutely sure that, like me, you will look back and be glad that you didn't reinstate.

 

[[Mi...]]

[[dj...]]

[[...]]

9 hours ago, [[v...] said:

Just my opinion....Is the body collapsing or is it saying to you "please don't ever do this to me anymore"?

Your body as well as your brain, is NOT collapsing. It's trying to survive. The human body IS truly amazing. Your GABA receptors are trying to normalize.

Healing isn't necessarily without pain and that is actually what you are dealing with - going through the healing process.

You said it yourself..."Nothing is". That is the exact answer you need to keep telling yourself..do nothing, other than maybe some positive things for yourself, like eat right, try to rest, go for a walk, exercise if you can, sit outside and enjoy the sounds and the smells...whatever you can do to walk this process to become fully healed.

What concerns me the most is exactly that the damage is done and nothing can be done and what i could have done to prevent it. Its obsessive but i cant control the mourning because every normal capacity that brings comfort to a living being is gone, not to mention very disturbing physical functioning and drastuco appearence changes 

I wish i could go for for walks or take comfort on the simple things such as getting fresh air at the window

Not possible due to a thing i cant describe properly but can be comparable to akathisia but worse because any kind of movement makes it worse instead of aleviate, like the nervous system cant handle anything. Maybe similar to the distress of being in a constant urge to pee and evacuate at the same time, so being still is also unbearable but not much as when you move to simply take something from the fridge. Its not something psychological i could control with the mind. If i cry or talk it all attacks me more physically and mentally. Can only be in bed if sleeping which is only a few hours. If i force myself to be there it all attacks me more. Want to rest but cant. Also lost a connection to a self and life, it all shocks me like trauma, different from DPDR, so cant listen to music, contact friends, be with myself writing or whatever. Its all a shock and i'm not there, like i was hit on the head or having a lobomy 

Thank you for your support 

 

[[...]]

7 hours ago, [[C...] said:

How did you taper to begin with? I can’t see it on your profile. 

5% or 10% reductions depending on how i was feeling