I keep ruminating about reinstating

[[Mi...]]

I am about 3 months out from ct after being on 0.5 mg of klonopin for 10 years. For the longest I was very committed to not reinstating; indeed, even when friends suggested I reinstate I adamantly pushed that away stating that I don’t want to be dependent on a drug. 
 

Nonetheless, I’ve started to think about reinstating a lot more recently.
 

As far as symptoms go, I do not presently have any physical symptoms really. Sometimes my blood pressure spikes and I do have tinnitus. The tinnitus doesn’t bother me. Most of the symptoms appear to be psychological—I’ve been having a few euphoric waves the last week where I’m pretty sure I am bordering on psychosis. So far I’ve been able to manage. I get morning anxiety, but can manage that too. 
 

The omnipresent symptom(s) that bother me are pertaining to sleep, cognition, and mood. My sleep is hit or miss. Recently I’ve been able to fall asleep ok, but wake up a lot.  I seem to get 3-5 hours of perceived sleep.
 

The cognition has improved (I am not confused by reading so much, and my memory is getting better).

However, my mood is very off.  I get almost no pleasure in anything.  Basic things like watching tv, scrolling through TikTok, video games, books, and talking to people—the things I usually enjoy—seem onerous. I just don’t have an interest. I do have a bit of chronic depression that I’ve managed through life, but this is different. I’ve never been thoroughly uninterested. 
 

I find myself staring off into space a lot instead of doing anything. I am not motivated. I get worried I will be able to maintain my life/work going forward. I do get bursts of motivation occasionally and get moving, but I spend hours just sitting here and dissociating. 
 

I am not sure if I want to stick this out. I am 3 months in.  I got through the worst of the acute symptoms. I don’t feel like I am suffering as much.  I recognize that not being dependent on k is a good thing.
 

But I feel like I am just talking myself up on all this. The Ashton manual says 6-12 months and that just seems like forever. My life while on k was good and I didn’t really have negative symptoms that I recall. 
 

I’ve been thinking about talking to the doctor about reinstating.  Should I? Am I further along than many people and this may not take as long? If there can be a bigger improvement in a few months I think I can struggle through this, but longer term just seems too much. 

[[En...]]

14 minutes ago, [[M...] said:

I am about 3 months out from ct after being on 0.5 mg of klonopin for 10 years. For the longest I was very committed to not reinstating; indeed, even when friends suggested I reinstate I adamantly pushed that away stating that I don’t want to be dependent on a drug. 
 

Nonetheless, I’ve started to think about reinstating a lot more recently.
 

As far as symptoms go, I do not presently have any physical symptoms really. Sometimes my blood pressure spikes and I do have tinnitus. The tinnitus doesn’t bother me. Most of the symptoms appear to be psychological—I’ve been having a few euphoric waves the last week where I’m pretty sure I am bordering on psychosis. So far I’ve been able to manage. I get morning anxiety, but can manage that too. 
 

The omnipresent symptom(s) that bother me are pertaining to sleep, cognition, and mood. My sleep is hit or miss. Recently I’ve been able to fall asleep ok, but wake up a lot.  I seem to get 3-5 hours of perceived sleep.
 

The cognition has improved (I am not confused by reading so much, and my memory is getting better).

However, my mood is very off.  I get almost no pleasure in anything.  Basic things like watching tv, scrolling through TikTok, video games, books, and talking to people—the things I usually enjoy—seem onerous. I just don’t have an interest. I do have a bit of chronic depression that I’ve managed through life, but this is different. I’ve never been thoroughly uninterested. 
 

I find myself staring off into space a lot instead of doing anything. I am not motivated. I get worried I will be able to maintain my life/work going forward. I do get bursts of motivation occasionally and get moving, but I spend hours just sitting here and dissociating. 
 

I am not sure if I want to stick this out. I am 3 months in.  I got through the worst of the acute symptoms. I don’t feel like I am suffering as much.  I recognize that not being dependent on k is a good thing.
 

But I feel like I am just talking myself up on all this. The Ashton manual says 6-12 months and that just seems like forever. My life while on k was good and I didn’t really have negative symptoms that I recall. 
 

I’ve been thinking about talking to the doctor about reinstating.  Should I? Am I further along than many people and this may not take as long? If there can be a bigger improvement in a few months I think I can struggle through this, but longer term just seems too much. 

I have the same symptoms as you do. I also am not motivated to do much and TV and reading just dont interest me as it usually does. I am a DIY kind of person and it is not like me to have no interest in doing anything. I had a good window about a week ago and was motivated to go get paint and paint a few things around my house which I was able to enjoy it was nice. I was able to enjoy my daily walks. Right now I have to force myself to take a walk and I dont feel good like I usually do after. I still believe going for a walk everyday is still good for me to get out of the house. 

Another thing I can relate with what you said is thinking of reinstating. I read it is normal to have craving to reinstate when we are in a wave. I think it is for relief of the symptoms. I do not go backwards myself and the thoughts of reinstating are just thoughts I cant help having. I am off the pill now and that's the way it has to be. I just have to go through this. It does get better as time goes on. We cannot do anything about the situation we are in we just have to wait. Going back on the pill will only make things worse and you will have to eventually get off prolonging the process maybe even making it worse. 

I do not like to feel the way I do right now but unfortunately I dont have a choice and I am not in the driver's seat. I am just along for the ride. I tell myself this all the time. I have to keep reassuring myself this is all normal. All part of the process of healing and getting back to my self again. Even better than before. 

We are all in this together. 

[[Mi...]]

@[En...] You’re right, I have to remember that, even if I did reinstate, I would eventually have to get off of the med and there really isn’t ever going to be “good” time to do it. I think part of me just wants an easy way out so that I can begin enjoying life again. 
 

There are some positives.  I have begun being healthier generally.

Thank you for helping me process this so I can keep focused on the finish line.  Ever forward. 

[[En...]]

3 hours ago, [[M...] said:

@[En...] You’re right, I have to remember that, even if I did reinstate, I would eventually have to get off of the med and there really isn’t ever going to be “good” time to do it. I think part of me just wants an easy way out so that I can begin enjoying life again. 
 

There are some positives.  I have begun being healthier generally.

Thank you for helping me process this so I can keep focused on the finish line.  Ever forward. 

I am eating cleaner as well. No more ice cream or soda I have reduced my sugar intake. I have also got a reverse osmosis water filter I will drink instead of tap water which has chlorine and fluoride which is known to increase stress and is bad for us. I never drank filtered water  before so I will see if there is any difference. Good clean living from now on.

[[Pa...]]

@[Mi...], I hope you've talked yourself out of reinstating!  I try not to get involved when members talk about reinstating because I know the desperation and hopelessness that leads us to these thoughts and I know that people are going to do what they do with or without my commentary.  But when I see how well you're doing, how you've made it mostly past the physical and are dealing with the remnants of the emotional, I'm scared you're going to do it. 

You're so close to your miracle, you're so close to being you again, to loving your life and those in it, I'll be heartbroken if you do this.  @[En...] and you are right, at some point you'll most likely have to taper off again and there is no guarantee it will go this well, it most likely will be more difficult. Kindling - Benzodiazepine Information Coalition (benzoinfo.com)

I quit cold turkey too and when my good emotions showed back up I was euphoric and have been ever since.  Please let me be the first to congratulate you on your success story! 

[[En...]]

4 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

@[Mi...], I hope you've talked yourself out of reinstating!  I try not to get involved when members talk about reinstating because I know the desperation and hopelessness that leads us to these thoughts and I know that people are going to do what they do with or without my commentary.  But when I see how well you're doing, how you've made it mostly past the physical and are dealing with the remnants of the emotional, I'm scared you're going to do it. 

You're so close to your miracle, you're so close to being you again, to loving your life and those in it, I'll be heartbroken if you do this.  @[En...] and you are right, at some point you'll most likely have to taper off again and there is no guarantee it will go this well, it most likely will be more difficult. Kindling - Benzodiazepine Information Coalition (benzoinfo.com)

I quit cold turkey too and when my good emotions showed back up I was euphoric and have been ever since.  Please let me be the first to congratulate you on your success story! 

This isn't easy. I am having withdrawal symptoms especially anxiety the first half of the day. I can take all the other symptoms but anxiety is a tough one. Only 2 and a half weeks off clonazepam. I am trying my best to be strong and stay the course. I understand when people ask if they should reinstate with hope to feel relief. My thought is I have come this far I dont want to ruin what I have achieved. What is more difficult is the unknown of how long this will last. You see some members on here who have these symptoms for months or even years and it is disheartening. 

[[Mi...]]

@[Pa...] Thank you—for right now I’m fully intending to stay the course. I think I have difficulty seeing my progress sometimes and knowing where I am at.  Do you mean that, for most people, the physical symptoms drop off first and then the emotional bits? As far as physical symptoms—I do occasionally get the tingles on my face/hands along with tinnitus, but it is mild and very infrequent. Emotionally I am it’s depression/intermittent anxiety/waves of euphoria the last week or so.

I do gather that my symptoms have been milder than many if not most. I may have slowed my progress by taking velarian root for sleep the first few months, but stopped taking it about a month ago.  I am not sure how that affected my healing. I did read on here that reinstating can make a second go at wd much worse, so I appreciate the article for more insight and incentive. I’m doing my best to keep rational even though my brain is not terribly rational right now. 

I know everyone is different, but when did your good emotions start showing back up? 

 

 

[[Mi...]]

@[En...] I also have not been the best with diet based on what I’ve read here. I do seem to crave clean water though. I’ve been considering switching up my diet to see if it has an impact (I eat way too much bread, which turns into sugar). The biggest thing that helped me at the beginning was light exercise. I now go on a walk daily, even when I’m struggling to get out of bed, but it sounds like you’re doing that already. I do feel like my body is generally healthier now, even if I do not feel it. 
 

I, too, get bogged down in thinking about the how long this may last.  I hope that my experience is shorter, or that these symptoms get more manageable, but I seem to obsess over it a bit. I think I need to work on accepting where I am at and letting the journey unfold. 
 

The first month was the most difficult for me with similar symptoms to yours. I hope you get over the acute hump soon and keep resilient. 

[[En...]]

13 minutes ago, [[M...] said:

@[En...] I also have not been the best with diet based on what I’ve read here. I do seem to crave clean water though. I’ve been considering switching up my diet to see if it has an impact (I eat way too much bread, which turns into sugar). The biggest thing that helped me at the beginning was light exercise. I now go on a walk daily, even when I’m struggling to get out of bed, but it sounds like you’re doing that already. I do feel like my body is generally healthier now, even if I do not feel it. 
 

I, too, get bogged down in thinking about the how long this may last.  I hope that my experience is shorter, or that these symptoms get more manageable, but I seem to obsess over it a bit. I think I need to work on accepting where I am at and letting the journey unfold. 
 

The first month was the most difficult for me with similar symptoms to yours. I hope you get over the acute hump soon and keep resilient. 

Exercise is and has been helping me through this. I actually look forward to it. If I am not feeling well I will give myself a break and rest. I will then gradually increase my exercise based on my symptoms. 

I am trying to drink filtered water and see what that does. Flouride and chlorine are not meant to be consumed. 

A clean diet wont hurt if I try it. Stay away from white colored foods it seems like sugar and salt and white bread and white rice and potatoes. All complex carbohydrates that will spike your sugar. 

The first half of my days are hard. I try to distract myself but it is always there the anxiety. I tell myself I will feel better later in the day to keep me going. 

Hope you are doing well and continue healing. 

Edited July 18 by [En...]

[[Pa...]]

51 minutes ago, [[M...] said:

@[Pa...] Thank you—for right now I’m fully intending to stay the course. I think I have difficulty seeing my progress sometimes and knowing where I am at.  Do you mean that, for most people, the physical symptoms drop off first and then the emotional bits? As far as physical symptoms—I do occasionally get the tingles on my face/hands along with tinnitus, but it is mild and very infrequent. Emotionally I am it’s depression/intermittent anxiety/waves of euphoria the last week or so.

I do gather that my symptoms have been milder than many if not most. I may have slowed my progress by taking velarian root for sleep the first few months, but stopped taking it about a month ago.  I am not sure how that affected my healing. I did read on here that reinstating can make a second go at wd much worse, so I appreciate the article for more insight and incentive. I’m doing my best to keep rational even though my brain is not terribly rational right now. 

I know everyone is different, but when did your good emotions start showing back up? 

 

My recovery was kind of different, I delayed it by using Ambien a few months into my cold turkey so I'm not actually sure when I actually recovered but my healthy and positive emotions came back a couple of days after I quit the Ambien, and 14 months after I quit Klonopin.  And I was really back, not under the influence of Klonopin that for so long had dulled me, I was truly able to feel those positive emotions.  And, I could cry again, that was something benzo withdrawal did to me, it took away my ability to cry.  Now, I can puddle up once again over those sweet rom coms, but not Hallmark. 

I had the same problem, I couldn't see my progress, my poor sick brain kept telling me I was broken but the thing is, I was able to do more and more things, participate more in life but I just couldn't see it.  I wish I would have documented my progress, are you doing that?

I'm not sure you can slow your recovery by using Valerian root, where did you see that?

[[Mi...]]

@[Pa...] Haha. Hallmark never quite cuts it. 

Yes, I realized in telling @[En...] about my first month that I am far further along than where I began. I found this site about 2 months post ct, and have been doing my best to keep a daily log. I put a little update in there initially about my first 2 months, but do not have a great record or recall of the first month in particular.

It is hard for me to assess the emotional dulling as I’ve taken an anti-depressant pretty much the entire time I’ve been on klonopin. I am curious to see where I am at once I get through this. I can say that many people describe my personality as a flat line—no highs or lows and very steady, so I do assume that I had that prior to ct.

Thank you for the insight as to positive emotions.

Hmmmm. I mostly just read that supplements that interact with GABA, like valerian toot, can cause an increase in withdrawal symptoms or a return of acute symptoms. I became concerned that I was prolonging the acute phase or the wd generally, so stopped taking the valerian root.

I cannot say that my symptoms necessarily increased or decreased after stopping the valerian. I did have euphoric waves for the first time after, in addition to the burning/tingling on my hands and face. I have not had the tingling much though. I am not sure if it is related.

When I did take the valerian I was generally able to sleep more than without it.

I also started taking an antidepressant again about the same time I stopped the valerian. 

Edited July 19 by [Mi...]

[[Pa...]]

Its hard to assign reasons for what we feel, we want to understand this process so we can have some control over it but even when we think we know why something happens, it may be just coincidence.  The Valarian root may have had something to do with what you felt, but then it could have been the A/D.  My feeling is we can make our symptoms worse by doing certain things, but I believe the only way to actually delay recovery is to take or drink something that affects GABA directly like benzodiazepines, non-benzodiazepines and alcohol. 

[[Mi...]]

10 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

Its hard to assign reasons for what we feel, we want to understand this process so we can have some control over it but even when we think we know why something happens, it may be just coincidence.  The Valarian root may have had something to do with what you felt, but then it could have been the A/D.  My feeling is we can make our symptoms worse by doing certain things, but I believe the only way to actually delay recovery is to take or drink something that affects GABA directly like benzodiazepines, non-benzodiazepines and alcohol. 

Good to know. I may have been overcautious with stopping it.  Either way, I am now trying to avoid taking any sleep aid with mixed results  

And you are right—I have a desire to find control and understand this process even though it is a lot of conjecture. I will keep steady with avoiding meds and alcohol that directly interact with GABA

Edited July 19 by [Mi...]

[[En...]]

11 hours ago, [[M...] said:

@[Pa...] Haha. Hallmark never quite cuts it. 

Yes, I realized in telling @[En...] about my first month that I am far further along than where I began. I found this site about 2 months post ct, and have been doing my best to keep a daily log. I put a little update in there initially about my first 2 months, but do not have a great record or recall of the first month in particular.

It is hard for me to assess the emotional dulling as I’ve taken an anti-depressant pretty much the entire time I’ve been on klonopin. I am curious to see where I am at once I get through this. I can say that many people describe my personality as a flat line—no highs or lows and very steady, so I do assume that I had that prior to ct.

Thank you for the insight as to positive emotions.

Hmmmm. I mostly just read that supplements that interact with GABA, like valerian toot, can cause an increase in withdrawal symptoms or a return of acute symptoms. I became concerned that I was prolonging the acute phase or the wd generally, so stopped taking the valerian root.

I cannot say that my symptoms necessarily increased or decreased after stopping the valerian. I did have euphoric waves for the first time after, in addition to the burning/tingling on my hands and face. I have not had the tingling much though. I am not sure if it is related.

When I did take the valerian I was generally able to sleep more than without it.

I also started taking an antidepressant again about the same time I stopped the valerian. 

I stopped trying to help my symptoms with supplements. I found they just increased my symptoms. I get bad headaches and take Tylenol but that doesn't seem to do much. I still have the bad headache so there is no sense in taking it. I just eat better and drink filtered water and I seem to feel better the next day. I am lucky my sleep is ok. I just feel like I haven't slept with this fatigue. 

[[Mi...]]

@[En...] have you tried any guided meditations? I have also had luck with binaural beats for the anxiety, but I believe I read on here that it does not help everyone. 
 

Valerian helped my symptoms improve but we are all different.  

[[En...]]

29 minutes ago, [[M...] said:

@[En...] have you tried any guided meditations? I have also had luck with binaural beats for the anxiety, but I believe I read on here that it does not help everyone. 
 

Valerian helped my symptoms improve but we are all different.  

Yes I have tried this. Nothing seems to help me with  chemical anxiety but time and acceptance. The good thing is the anxiety let's up later in the day just have to tough out the first half of the day. Even distractions only help temporary.  I go for walks in the afternoon. That helps. Early mornings are the toughest. Gets better as the day goes on. It helps that it is summer I can ho outside and get some fresh air and sunshine. 

[[PE...]]

On 18/07/2024 at 15:34, [[M...] said:

I am about 3 months out from ct after being on 0.5 mg of klonopin for 10 years. For the longest I was very committed to not reinstating; indeed, even when friends suggested I reinstate I adamantly pushed that away stating that I don’t want to be dependent on a drug. 
 

Nonetheless, I’ve started to think about reinstating a lot more recently.
 

As far as symptoms go, I do not presently have any physical symptoms really. Sometimes my blood pressure spikes and I do have tinnitus. The tinnitus doesn’t bother me. Most of the symptoms appear to be psychological—I’ve been having a few euphoric waves the last week where I’m pretty sure I am bordering on psychosis. So far I’ve been able to manage. I get morning anxiety, but can manage that too. 
 

The omnipresent symptom(s) that bother me are pertaining to sleep, cognition, and mood. My sleep is hit or miss. Recently I’ve been able to fall asleep ok, but wake up a lot.  I seem to get 3-5 hours of perceived sleep.
 

The cognition has improved (I am not confused by reading so much, and my memory is getting better).

However, my mood is very off.  I get almost no pleasure in anything.  Basic things like watching tv, scrolling through TikTok, video games, books, and talking to people—the things I usually enjoy—seem onerous. I just don’t have an interest. I do have a bit of chronic depression that I’ve managed through life, but this is different. I’ve never been thoroughly uninterested. 
 

I find myself staring off into space a lot instead of doing anything. I am not motivated. I get worried I will be able to maintain my life/work going forward. I do get bursts of motivation occasionally and get moving, but I spend hours just sitting here and dissociating. 
 

I am not sure if I want to stick this out. I am 3 months in.  I got through the worst of the acute symptoms. I don’t feel like I am suffering as much.  I recognize that not being dependent on k is a good thing.
 

But I feel like I am just talking myself up on all this. The Ashton manual says 6-12 months and that just seems like forever. My life while on k was good and I didn’t really have negative symptoms that I recall. 
 

I’ve been thinking about talking to the doctor about reinstating.  Should I? Am I further along than many people and this may not take as long? If there can be a bigger improvement in a few months I think I can struggle through this, but longer term just seems too much. 

Oh you really shouldn't IMO.

It could be so much worse! I mean if you start again it might not be as easy to taper/withdrawal. 

Take care.

[[Ta...]]

I understand returning to a benzo after a long period of use risks more severe neurological problems and a much tougher withdrawal. But besides that, as someone who recently jumped after 20 years use, I’m also less motivated. I don’t know if it’s from withdrawal, but the only way to find out is to stay off.  Btw, benzos never made me more motivated. It made me feel less anxiety. That’s it.There are medications available (for adhd and narcolepsy) that stimulate motivation. Any legal alternative to benzos is far better. Personally, I would never return to life in a semi stupor, wrecking my brain, dependent on daily use and providers who treat you like a junkie. 

Edited July 19 by [Ta...]

[[Ca...]]

If I was you I wouldn't reinstate! You could end up worse from now and prolong your recovery... in me reinstatements never worked and just made things realyy worse! I am off of this shit for over 15 months (Detox) and I am so damn glad I am off. There is also a higher risk of paradoxical reactions if you reinstate.

[[...]]

On 19/07/2024 at 15:21, [[C...] said:

If I was you I wouldn't reinstate! You could end up worse from now and prolong your recovery... in me reinstatements never worked and just made things realyy worse! I am off of this shit for over 15 months (Detox) and I am so damn glad I am off. There is also a higher risk of paradoxical reactions if you reinstate.

@[Ca...] i see you did detox how did that work for you ? I’m considering it 

[[Ca...]]

I went to Detox just because I had a very very severe paradoxical reaction to Klonopin after reinstatement after a rapid Taper (by doctor) ...but I had that paradoxical reaction on any benzo prior to that! But it was worse after reinstatement due to severe withdrawal... I had the worst form of akasthisia and dystonia and something like a rigor...

 

I was put on a benzo for Lyrica withdrawal... they said it was safe to take it for 4 weeks and I wouldn't go into another withdrawal  ... they said Lyrica withdrawal would take 4 weeks... but it took 6 months and the benzo didn't help at neither dosage... i kept raising the dosage and went crazy (severe paradoxical reaction with agitation,  panic, depression) and still the worst akasthisia.... and Lyrica was given to me because  I had severe panic attacks in methylphenidate rebound... it didn't help either... wosened my akasthisia  ... that I develloped in 10 days of paxil (for methylphenidate panic attacks) that how I got all into this!

 

Somewhen I knew it was the meds driving me so insane after reinstatement of Klonopin! Also I had found benzo buddies and Dr Jenn...I just knew I needed to get off ASAP! Or it will kill me! I thought detox was the safest way! Now I know it wasn't! I was deeply traumatizised by it and still have flash backs! And I am not lying when I say the sourrounding in there and the unknowing, ignorant psychiatrists that lable and treat you as an addict were even a worse nightmare for me than acute benzo withdrawal for me! The only good thing about detox was that I couldn't take any more Klonopin because I didn't have access to, when withdrawal symptoms got really really bad.But Once I was off I was clear in my head again and would have never taken a microgramm of this stuff -Klonopin... the akasthisia immideately stopped once off of Klonopin and metoclopramide... but I now -as to expect-suffer from BIND for more than 15 months now and I am right in a severe setback after I recently got off Methylphenidate and Propanolol (now off of everything) but I was doing quite good before so far (wgat aome people call phase 4) ... felt a bit closer to being healed. 

 

I cannot really recommend Detox or psych wards to anyone. If you can make sure you won't touch any benzo when it gets acute and you have someone to check on you I personally doubt I would ever go to detox again from what I know now!... I had great luck they didn't put me on any other meds because I don't tolerate any! I never ever touch medication again! Never ever! If had known begore! Wasted more than 9 years on ritalin and Vyvanse

 

And most importantly- Detox or any rapid taper is just an option for an emergy case like I was!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Like Someone who has severe paradoxical reactions or any life threatening side effect!!!!!!!

 

Why do you consider Detox if I may ask?

Edited July 24 by [Ca...]

[[Le...]]

You are both doing really well. I am not saying it isn’t hard but it wont last forever. We all have had weak moments. I have some bad ones where I consider really dumb treatments like DMT or ketamine. It always passes and every month I can look back and say this one is better. You are healing. Keep up the good work.