Reflections at a Year Off

[[So...]]

Today was one year off of benzos for me!!!  A bittersweet moment, that's for sure.  I am proud of myself for making it through all of the craziness up until this point, so so so many hard days, hard moments, hard seconds I have somehow navigated, and it has all culminated to equating 365 days off of benzodiazapines.  What a journey it has been so far, from being put in rehab a year and a half ago, ripped off klonopin, polydrugged, a brief reinstatement, a subsequent pharmacy error that led to a CT.. oh my.  I am deffinetly made of strong stuff to still be here right now, and all of you are too, so admist all of the chaos and torment we have to always give ourselves a pat on the back and remember that.

 

As I said though, it is bittersweet.  I'm not sure if I am delusional, because I obviously have had a train wreck of a time, but I really thought I would be a lot better than I am currently at this stage of things.  Everything still swings up and down, and some days are better than others, but these last 2 months for me have been extremely challenging and I have had to just hold on for dear life again, feeling feelings I was hopeful to never have to experience again after 4 months of semi stability.  

 

I really thought I would be on track in my life at this point, 1.5 years after my world was shattered from this.  Instead, I lost my job again 2 months ago due to extreme symptoms, have become super distant from family and friends again, am still so very far from being able to have a baby and start my family, and have my husband in the trenches right here with me instead of happily enjoying our new marriage.  On the good days, everything seems like it will be okay, on the bad ones, I feel a million miles away from ever having a taste of normality, bliss, and relaxation ever again.  

 

I thought I would be celebrating today, but instead I am grieving.  I don't like self pity or victimizing myself, but, this experience really has taken almost everything, and I am still patiently waiting for the day I can say "the worst is behind me".  The day I can take a deep breath, and know that I'll be able to survive this.  Surely that day has to come, and I still have my fingers crossed that it is soon. Maybe it's just the depression talking, or the benzo lies, but the longer this goes on the more... I don't know.. impossible this feels?  If I thought i was battle fatigued last year, well I deffinetly am now, that's for sure. 

 

Hoping and praying that at 2 years off my reflection will be a lot different.  I'll be wishing for no more big news, and just a gentle and peaceful year of more healing.  I wish that for all of you as well, lord knows we need strength, and if I can get through a year of what I've went through, I am sure that every single one of you can as well.  Fingers crossed 🤞