Support, help needed exhaustion near end of taper

[[El...]]

 

Hi there good people of benzobuddies (I've moved this topic to a maybe more appropriate channel)

I come here seeking some moral support today because it has been REALLY hard the past couple of weeks and is seemingly not likely to improve right this second. Getting a teeny weeny bit hopeless in the dead of night. To give a bit of context, I'm taking diazepam 12.5 mg a day and I have been tapering off Xeroquel since December 2022, I am finally reaching the final stage, and life threw me a curveball. On my program of taper, I've got like 2-3 steps of reduction until nothing - coming from this to every night 25mg (I'm very sensitive to meds as I've been given them for 10+ years) is an incredible achievement, especially with everything that's been going on in my life in all that time. 

My problem is that as I'm nearing the end of that pill, I am now feeling as if it does not help me sleep at all (it acted as a numbing agent and got me to pass out essentially) and to top it up, I've had to leave my home, because the owner was selling, so I am currently with no stability except from my partner who's been incredibly supportive the whole time but also started working after a long period of, well, me being used to him being there. 

So that's three major changes, that pill tapering coming to an end, sudden relocation and having to say goodbye to my home, my partner being now more tired and unavailable. And my major problem is that I struggle to sleep. I eat healthy, I'm not as active as I'd like to be but I try to keep moving a bit with gentle stretch and sometimes dancing, I have to say that with exhaustion, staying in the sun makes me feel queasy - nauseous so maybe I've been living a bit like a vampire. 

The last two weeks have been really really hard on me, I've reached several times breaking points with exhaustion where I just wail like a ball on the ground or in the bed. There's the pressure of sharing a space with my partner (who's got work in the mornings now), there's the pressure of the need to provide for myself one way or another, there's the whole "I need to find somewhere else safe to live", and also, I'm living abroad from my home country. 

So I've been having some dark thoughts, it's been hard to concentrate, on anything, but especially to keep a positive mindset, to celebrate accomplishments (I've also stopped nicotine altogether about a month and half ago... that's huge. huge for me.) and I feel defeated. Utterly defeated by life and the turmoil, the fear, the changes, the uncertainty, the tiredness, the fed-upness and some nights I have been re-enacting trauma responses of pushing my partner away, saying irrational things like "I'm just gonna leave, make it easier for everyone" (leaving myself out of that one... obviously. Not gonna be easy for me, is it, to be alone.) 

So I need so support, some help, some tips, some digital smiles and hugs and to know I'm not alone, because, man... it's a hard life that one. 

With all my love, 

El.
PS - Anyone else feels like their eyesight is shot? Everything is really hard to see, it's all kind of blurry. I knew I needed some prescription glasses before I started doing this but I feel like it's gone from mildly blurry in the distances to "I struggle to read on my phone". Is it to do with exhaustion/medication WD? Would love to know. I think I already kind of assume it is anyway, but to know someone else experiences this would help my tired brain thinking everything is wrong.

 

[[En...]]

16 minutes ago, [[E...] said:

Hi there good people of benzobuddies (I've moved this topic to a maybe more appropriate channel)

I come here seeking some moral support today because it has been REALLY hard the past couple of weeks and is seemingly not likely to improve right this second. Getting a teeny weeny bit hopeless in the dead of night. To give a bit of context, I'm taking diazepam 12.5 mg a day and I have been tapering off Xeroquel since December 2022, I am finally reaching the final stage, and life threw me a curveball. On my program of taper, I've got like 2-3 steps of reduction until nothing - coming from this to every night 25mg (I'm very sensitive to meds as I've been given them for 10+ years) is an incredible achievement, especially with everything that's been going on in my life in all that time. 

My problem is that as I'm nearing the end of that pill, I am now feeling as if it does not help me sleep at all (it acted as a numbing agent and got me to pass out essentially) and to top it up, I've had to leave my home, because the owner was selling, so I am currently with no stability except from my partner who's been incredibly supportive the whole time but also started working after a long period of, well, me being used to him being there. 

So that's three major changes, that pill tapering coming to an end, sudden relocation and having to say goodbye to my home, my partner being now more tired and unavailable. And my major problem is that I struggle to sleep. I eat healthy, I'm not as active as I'd like to be but I try to keep moving a bit with gentle stretch and sometimes dancing, I have to say that with exhaustion, staying in the sun makes me feel queasy - nauseous so maybe I've been living a bit like a vampire. 

The last two weeks have been really really hard on me, I've reached several times breaking points with exhaustion where I just wail like a ball on the ground or in the bed. There's the pressure of sharing a space with my partner (who's got work in the mornings now), there's the pressure of the need to provide for myself one way or another, there's the whole "I need to find somewhere else safe to live", and also, I'm living abroad from my home country. 

So I've been having some dark thoughts, it's been hard to concentrate, on anything, but especially to keep a positive mindset, to celebrate accomplishments (I've also stopped nicotine altogether about a month and half ago... that's huge. huge for me.) and I feel defeated. Utterly defeated by life and the turmoil, the fear, the changes, the uncertainty, the tiredness, the fed-upness and some nights I have been re-enacting trauma responses of pushing my partner away, saying irrational things like "I'm just gonna leave, make it easier for everyone" (leaving myself out of that one... obviously. Not gonna be easy for me, is it, to be alone.) 

So I need so support, some help, some tips, some digital smiles and hugs and to know I'm not alone, because, man... it's a hard life that one. 

With all my love, 

El.
PS - Anyone else feels like their eyesight is shot? Everything is really hard to see, it's all kind of blurry. I knew I needed some prescription glasses before I started doing this but I feel like it's gone from mildly blurry in the distances to "I struggle to read on my phone". Is it to do with exhaustion/medication WD? Would love to know. I think I already kind of assume it is anyway, but to know someone else experiences this would help my tired brain thinking everything is wrong.

This is a stressful situation to get off this medication. I have good days and bad days. Eyesight is also affected hard to see. I am very tired all the time as well. Anxiety from withdrawal is a difficult one. I can take all the physical symptoms it is the waves of anxiety that is hard to take. It is all normal to go through as this medication is one of the most difficult to get off of. 

 

[[El...]]

Thanks for your message 

2 hours ago, [[E...] said:

This is a stressful situation to get off this medication. I have good days and bad days. Eyesight is also affected hard to see. I am very tired all the time as well. Anxiety from withdrawal is a difficult one. I can take all the physical symptoms it is the waves of anxiety that is hard to take. It is all normal to go through as this medication is one of the most difficult to get off of. 

Are you getting off xeroquel too or diazepam? Well it's not important. I'm really glad to know I'm not alone feeling all this. I agree, the panic/anxiety/doom is really one of the worst things. Physical symptoms I've come to learn to manage with breath work and meditation, with distraction etc. But the dread is really something that drives me nuts. Thanks for the support, 🙏

[[En...]]

2 minutes ago, [[E...] said:

Thanks for your message 

Are you getting off xeroquel too or diazepam? Well it's not important. I'm really glad to know I'm not alone feeling all this. I agree, the panic/anxiety/doom is really one of the worst things. Physical symptoms I've come to learn to manage with breath work and meditation, with distraction etc. But the dread is really something that drives me nuts. Thanks for the support, 🙏

I am getting off clonazepam. I jumped about 2 weeks ago. I had a 2 week window and today is a bad wave day. I woke up with anxiety and I feel very tired like I want to go to sleep. My vision is blurry as well. I am just trying to make it through the day.  I should eat something but I have no appetite. 

We have to accept there will be bad days as well as good days with withdrawal. The important thing is to keep going forward and accept these feelings. It is difficult when you have good days then the bad days happen. I think about the good days when I'm in bad days. I try to keep positive. 

[[je...]]

I’m really sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. You are so blessed to have a supportive partner. Just remember this stressful phase will pass too. You have been incredibly strong through your taper to get this far. You will get through this as well. I’m now 19 months off and the worst trauma and stresses through withdrawal have settled down. I barely think about those moments anymore. It will happen for you too.

[[je...]]

6 hours ago, [[E...] said:

PS - Anyone else feels like their eyesight is shot? Everything is really hard to see, it's all kind of blurry. I knew I needed some prescription glasses before I started doing this but I feel like it's gone from mildly blurry in the distances to "I struggle to read on my phone". Is it to do with exhaustion/medication WD? Would love to know

Just wanted to add, mine is purely age related and was very distressing during withdrawal because it started during withdrawal. I can barely read anything on my phone or even my shopping list on the fridge. It’s just one big blur. Please get your eyes tested because it’s so much easier with glasses and it takes the stress away.

[[El...]]

Thanks so much @[je...] for your very very kind and thoughtful message. I'm especially happy to read that you're now 18 months off and that you're already feeling as though the horror of it has passed. 

Thank you for the encouragement. I haven't slept much last night, I'm feeling as drained as ever. I often find myself saying "I don't want to do this anymore" or "I can't do this anymore". I'm honestly scared that the exhaustion will floor me and be the end of me. I'm so angry that these pills even exist. 

Thanks again for the support.

I wish I could afford right now all the health things I need to address. The eye doctor will have to wait a bit I'm afraid. But thanks for the advice. Although my reasoning was "if it's medication related, won't the glasses be for a state of seeing that isn't my "natural" state of seeing?"