Any support will be great. Desperate

[[An...]]

Hey buddies, I don’t know where else to turn. 
I’ve been tapering Valium, my last cut was 3 weeks ago. Currently down to 10 mgs from 250mgs I started this taper january-june 2023. It’s been up and down, I’ve Been ashamed to admit how much I was consuming, I feel like this is the worst it’s been in a long time since my rapid drop back in January, Depression, anxiety, paranoia, no appetite, first time I’ve not been able to shower ( forcing my self every couple of days ) rumination, intrusive thoughts that are so so so dark, shock from past traumas, crying, lost weight, can’t leave my room, crying, past traumas haunting me, I am a extremely well known person in my community and I’m very paranoid I don’t want to be known, want to disappear, I just need to know if this is withdrawal or this is me. Do these sound like withdrawal symptoms: has anyone experienced this. 

Edited July 12 by [An...]

[[Fa...]]

@[An...]  This is most definitely not you.  This is acute WD.  That is an extremely rapid taper from a very, very high dose.  All the symptoms you have listed are common WD symptoms...terrifying and debilitating...but, they are symptoms, not you.  Yes, most of us have experienced all of this to varying degrees.  If you can find space to take any comfort at all, take comfort in that, please.

I'm not sure what you would like to do if anything at all.  There are options....two options.  Updose to try to alleviate the intensity of symptoms until you can stabilize reasonably and move forward with a safer taper schedule or hold until you improve and are able to continue, again, with a much safer taper schedule.  I suppose there is a third option which would be to continue on as you have been.  However, I don't feel it would be a wise one.  One thing is certain, you cannot fast track this.  Whatever your decision, there are many here who can advise and provide support.   

Please know you are not alone.  Shame alone is a horrible emotion/feeling.  Shame in WD is a whole other animal and is magnified.  Please don't feel ashamed.  You've been working very hard at taking yourself off this drug.  There is much to be said for that in and of itself.  But, there are some decisions to be made on how you would like to move forward.

Warmly,

F 

 

Edited July 12 by [Fa...]

[[An...]]

36 minutes ago, [[F...] said:

@[An...]  This is most definitely not you.  This is acute WD.  That is an extremely rapid taper from a very, very high dose.  All the symptoms you have listed are common WD symptoms...terrifying and debilitating...but, they are symptoms, not you.  Yes, most of us have experienced all of this to varying degrees.  If you can find space to take any comfort at all, take comfort in that, please.

I'm not sure what you would like to do if anything at all.  There are options....two options.  Updose to try to alleviate the intensity of symptoms until you can stabilize reasonably and move forward with a safer taper schedule or hold until you improve and are able to continue, again, with a much safer taper schedule.  I suppose there is a third option which would be to continue on as you have been.  However, I don't feel it would be a wise one.  One thing is certain, you cannot fast track this.  Whatever your decision, there are many here who can advise and provide support.   

Please know you are not alone.  Shame alone is a horrible emotion/feeling.  Shame in WD is a whole other animal and is magnified.  Please don't feel ashamed.  You've been working very hard at taking yourself off this drug.  There is much to be said for that in and of itself.  But, there are some decisions to be made on how you would like to move forward.

Warmly,

F 

I really appreciate you replying and explaining all of this. I will look into acute withdrawal more, thank you for the information. I was planning on doing a 6-7 month long hold for my brain to recover from such high doses and cutting; but I’m not sure if we are aloud to hold for too long? Ive had some good windows when I held for 3 months. But also bad waves so I just continued to cut as I didn’t want to run out of pills my doctor is giving me only 8mgs per day and my brother is giving me 2mgs from his script and is happy too for the next year to come off slowly 

[[Fa...]]

@[An...]  I read the dates as 2024, not 2023.  Still a rapid taper, but not what I first took in.  I apologize.

I am amazed at the progress you have made, quite frankly.  I certainly have not been on the site as long as many, but I've not seen a dosage that high.  I think all things considered, you have done exceptionally well.  I just feel as though given you are at 10mg, it may be time for a good breather and catch up to all the leaps you have made.  You are a strong person.

I'm sure others will come in here as well.  I think a hold in an excellent idea.  I'm not sure I would have a preconceived idea of how long it will be.  I would listen to my body and see how things shift along the way.  Good job!

Allowed to hold?  You mean negative repercussions as a result of holding?  Some people hold for very long periods of time and have excellent results.  Some try and it doesn't work for them.  It is up to you.  Just listen to your body.  If you were getting windows, that is amazing.  Just go with how you feel.

When you start to feel as though you are not the person you were before this began, stop in your tracks immediately.  Your brain will tell you lies.  Please don't believe them.  It can feel like a life review...a slide show of every small thing we've done in our life that we may have felt was not our finest moment and it can twist and distort these memories.  The brain does not feel like our friend in WD.  Just know it is all WD.

Warmly

F 

[[An...]]

57 minutes ago, [[F...] said:

@[An...]  I read the dates as 2024, not 2023.  Still a rapid taper, but not what I first took in.  I apologize.

I am amazed at the progress you have made, quite frankly.  I certainly have not been on the site as long as many, but I've not seen a dosage that high.  I think all things considered, you have done exceptionally well.  I just feel as though given you are at 10mg, it may be time for a good breather and catch up to all the leaps you have made.  You are a strong person.

I'm sure others will come in here as well.  I think a hold in an excellent idea.  I'm not sure I would have a preconceived idea of how long it will be.  I would listen to my body and see how things shift along the way.  Good job!

Allowed to hold?  You mean negative repercussions as a result of holding?  Some people hold for very long periods of time and have excellent results.  Some try and it doesn't work for them.  It is up to you.  Just listen to your body.  If you were getting windows, that is amazing.  Just go with how you feel.

When you start to feel as though you are not the person you were before this began, stop in your tracks immediately.  Your brain will tell you lies.  Please don't believe them.  It can feel like a life review...a slide show of every small thing we've done in our life that we may have felt was not our finest moment and it can twist and distort these memories.  The brain does not feel like our friend in WD.  Just know it is all WD.

Warmly

F 

Thank you so much ! Your kind words and advice means a lot. A slide show of every small thing I’ve done is flashing up and it’s traumatising, I will hold 

 

Jess 

[[Bl...]]

@[An...]. I'm so sorry that you are suffering so much but please be assured that these symptoms are textbook withdrawal symptoms, even down to your description of a slide show of every small thing. I have been there it will all ease off and go away eventually. Don't fight the thoughts they are normal for withdrawal. Look after yourself. 🙏

[[Dr...]]

3 hours ago, [[A...] said:

Hey buddies, I don’t know where else to turn. 
I’ve been tapering Valium, my last cut was 3 weeks ago. Currently down to 10 mgs from 250mgs I started this taper january-june 2023. It’s been up and down, I’ve Been ashamed to admit how much I was consuming, I feel like this is the worst it’s been in a long time since my rapid drop back in January, Depression, anxiety, paranoia, no appetite, first time I’ve not been able to shower ( forcing my self every couple of days ) rumination, intrusive thoughts that are so so so dark, shock from past traumas, crying, lost weight, can’t leave my room, crying, past traumas haunting me, I am a extremely well known person in my community and I’m very paranoid I don’t want to be known, want to disappear, I just need to know if this is withdrawal or this is me. Do these sound like withdrawal symptoms: has anyone experienced this. 

I'm going through this right now and I've been benzo free for 6 weeks. It is the withdrawals, it is definitely not you! 

 

Try to hold at the dose you're at now and regulate as best you can. Do you have a doctor helping you taper? Taking any other meds or natural supplements? 

[[An...]]

8 hours ago, [[D...] said:

I'm going through this right now and I've been benzo free for 6 weeks. It is the withdrawals, it is definitely not you! 

Try to hold at the dose you're at now and regulate as best you can. Do you have a doctor helping you taper? Taking any other meds or natural supplements? 

Congratulations on being off, no I don’t have a doctor helping me I live in a country where there is no knowledge at all.  I had a doctor tell me to pray and meditate 

[[An...]]

8 hours ago, [[B...] said:

@[An...]. I'm so sorry that you are suffering so much but please be assured that these symptoms are textbook withdrawal symptoms, even down to your description of a slide show of every small thing. I have been there it will all ease off and go away eventually. Don't fight the thoughts they are normal for withdrawal. Look after yourself. 🙏

I’m hoping this is withdrawal and not stress or ptsd from my thoughts 

[[bl...]]

13 hours ago, [[A...] said:

Hey buddies, I don’t know where else to turn. 
I’ve been tapering Valium, my last cut was 3 weeks ago. Currently down to 10 mgs from 250mgs I started this taper january-june 2023. It’s been up and down, I’ve Been ashamed to admit how much I was consuming, I feel like this is the worst it’s been in a long time since my rapid drop back in January, Depression, anxiety, paranoia, no appetite, first time I’ve not been able to shower ( forcing my self every couple of days ) rumination, intrusive thoughts that are so so so dark, shock from past traumas, crying, lost weight, can’t leave my room, crying, past traumas haunting me, I am a extremely well known person in my community and I’m very paranoid I don’t want to be known, want to disappear, I just need to know if this is withdrawal or this is me. Do these sound like withdrawal symptoms: has anyone experienced this. 

I just want to say that I am almost at the end of my taper from clonazepam. I got off last year, but had to reinstate back on a low dose after 3 months and am now almost done tapering this last little bit. I can personally say that the intrusive thoughts that I have are also extremely dark. Very very dark. I also deal with past traumas haunting me and come into my thoughts at various times throughout each day. I do recommend going slower rather than faster. I’ve done a lot better at a slower pace. Well, I shouldn’t say “better” but I am able to just barely function enough to survive. I have the urge to run away, and I have this thing where I don’t want anyone to look at me. From what I am gathering this is all benzo withdrawal, so I do not believe this is the real you.

Also, depression, anxiety, paranoia.. my appetite is the opposite and I am using food for comfort right now. I am dealing with it all. It’s so hard to think that this isn’t the new normal, but the success stories help me get through.

[[Fa...]]

12 hours ago, [[A...] said:

I’m hoping this is withdrawal and not stress or ptsd from my thoughts 

Right now, it may feel as though you will surely experience PTS (I don't like the D because this is not a disorder, it a temporary state) from the levels of mental suffering you are experiencing.  I'm here to give you hope.

I experienced 14 months of Akathisia.  Pacing for up to 16 hours a day, and the mental torture/anguish was otherworldly.  Truly life altering.  I am past that now.  When I have times where my symptoms lessen, all those experiences/memories fall away.  You have to ask yourself, why?  How could that happen?  How could I not be affected by this psychologically for the rest of my life?  How would it not alter my brain chemistry and create a forever state of PTS?

Well, first of all...you are experiencing this because your brain is on fire and misfiring.  It's not the same as being healthy in mind and body and experiencing trauma.  You are experiencing trauma because your mind is altered right now.  Once that heals and shifts, you won't have access to experiencing even the memories of what happened from that perspective any longer.  It won't be an option for the brain to experience it in this way.  It's physiological...not psychological.

There is a very marked difference in how I remember those months when I am in a better space during this versus when I go into a bad wave.  In a wave, I can access those memories as though I am there again, and the feelings rush over me as I feel as though I'm slipping into an alternate reality again.  When I'm out of the worst, access to that type of brain activity is gone.

It's not you.  This will not 'scar' you in the way you believe it has or will.  We will all remember how much we suffered, but it will feel very distant and you will be able to be more of an observer of the experience with far less emotional attachment.  You will bring with you the wisdom and the rest will be left behind.  

I am speaking of this from the perspective of symptoms as a result of drug injury only that is taking place from an inorganic, chemically induced state.  I would like to ensure I clarify this.

Warmly,

F

Edited July 13 by [Fa...]

[[An...]]

5 hours ago, [[F...] said:

Right now, it may feel as though you will surely experience PTS (I don't like the D because this is not a disorder, it a temporary state) from the levels of mental suffering you are experiencing.  I'm here to give you hope.

I experienced 14 months of Akathisia.  Pacing for up to 16 hours a day, and the mental torture/anguish was otherworldly.  Truly life altering.  I am past that now.  When I have times where my symptoms lessen, all those experiences/memories fall away.  You have to ask yourself, why?  How could that happen?  How could I not be affected by this psychologically for the rest of my life?  How would it not alter my brain chemistry and create a forever state of PTS?

Well, first of all...you are experiencing this because your brain is on fire and misfiring.  It's not the same as being healthy in mind and body and experiencing trauma.  You are experiencing trauma because your mind is altered right now.  Once that heals and shifts, you won't have access to experiencing even the memories of what happened from that perspective any longer.  It won't be an option for the brain to experience it in this way.  It's physiological...not psychological.

There is a very marked difference in how I remember those months when I am in a better space during this versus when I go into a bad wave.  In a wave, I can access those memories as though I am there again, and the feelings rush over me as I feel as though I'm slipping into an alternate reality again.  When I'm out of the worst, access to that type of brain activity is gone.

It's not you.  This will not 'scar' you in the way you believe it has or will.  We will all remember how much we suffered, but it will feel very distant and you will be able to be more of an observer of the experience with far less emotional attachment.  You will bring with you the wisdom and the rest will be left behind.  

I am speaking of this from the perspective of symptoms as a result of drug injury only that is taking place from an inorganic, chemically induced state.  I would like to ensure I clarify this.

Warmly,

F

Thank you so much for this faith, I really appreciate your support, I hope you fully recover fast! I’m very sorry to hear your suffering.  I don’t wish this upon my worst enemy

[[Dr...]]

22 hours ago, [[A...] said:

Congratulations on being off, no I don’t have a doctor helping me I live in a country where there is no knowledge at all.  I had a doctor tell me to pray and meditate 

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this without any real medical knowledge in your area. Hmmm. While that is not bad advice it is not all inclusive advice. I'd suggest all of the above. Idk your medical situation, allergies, or gender but all of the vitamins, especially vitamin c, d, magnesium, melatonin. If you're a female all of the B vitamins, B6, a good B12 complex. Plus a good symbiotic, and L-Theanine. Drink lots of water, eat clean and healthy, exercise for at least 30 mins 5x a week, reading, pray, meditate, talk, and distractions! Having a support system is vital, even if it's just one person you can share everything with.

Also rest as much as you can and dont push yourself, baby steps and getting through this one day at a time, sometimes moment by moment is key. I'm rooting for you and you can do this! 

[[vi...]]

What you are experiencing is due to the WD. Knowing that and that these symptoms are universal should alleviate your suffering. Being shame ridden happened to me as well, once you get to quit you will see things with more "sanity" so to speak. Dont care about what other people in your community may say, they dont even think about you as much as you think they do. 250 mg is a very high dose, so cutting off is already a big progress. Hope you heal and dont be so hard on you

Edited July 14 by [vi...]

[[vi...]]

As of your question, yes, it happened to me as well. When on high doses, you might not reflect on the things you do. When in WD, you exaggerate everything. One thing that helped me through was thinking that I was not in a sane state so everything going through my mind was not to be trusted and was rather the rationalization of my distressed state of mind. You might gain a lot of wisdom at the end. But yes, what youre experiencing is normal. Hope the best for you no matter what is tormenting you. ❤️ 

 

I was lucky and in a month since my last dose I got pretty good. Some people take longer to recovery though. 

Edited July 14 by [vi...]