Unbearable pain and anguish

[[Lo...]]

So I got up today and really tried woke to impending doom had a shower tried to function , then the feeling sets in , the thoughts unbearable . This feeling in my body am not going over board makes me feel like doing things and urges constantly those things I know we’re not aloud to mention here , it’s indescribable , how do I cope with this and be a mother to my children who need me. I try and redirect my thoughts . Constantly but this feeling is too much , it’s inhumane , and yes the thoughts cause impending doom too . I can even describe it to anyone but it’s makes me want to rip of my skin , run and scream for help , cry constantly , and desperately search for ways out . I’m not saying I’m in crises right now I’m trying to explain this feeling in my body 

[[Cr...]]

2 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

I can even describe it to anyone but it’s makes me want to rip of my skin , run and scream for help , cry constantly

That is also a classic symptom of severe anxiety. Not that classifications will change anything. It will always feel unbearable, but awareness can help alleviate fear.

I remember you said you were actually doing okay for awhile after you got off of benzos. When did this current mental/emotional health situation start? And was there a trigger that started it or did you just wake up one morning feeling this way?

[[Lo...]]

When I wake it grips me like I can feel it gripping my skin and I feel like I’m in another dimension , I feel like I have another force within me 😞 how do I live with it 

[[Lo...]]

@[Cr...] this is not anxiety , I never had this feeling before the drugs and I had one episode of anxiety in my life before the drugs when I lost a baby , this really isn’t anxiety 

this feeling is not a feeling a human body should feel 

[[Lo...]]

I was doing better I was about 80 percent and had a huge stressor and I went from being fine to acute withdrawal over night 

[[Lo...]]

I mean I do have anxiety syptoms but this is another level of somthing else 

[[Cr...]]

25 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

@[Cr...] this is not anxiety , I never had this feeling before the drugs and I had one episode of anxiety in my life before the drugs when I lost a baby , this really isn’t anxiety 

this feeling is not a feeling a human body should feel 

I did not mean it was just natural anxiety alone and not withdrawal. Anxiety is a symptom of withdrawal. I mentioned that because you are worried sick wondering why you have these thoughts and fears. I am saying that if they are from withdrawal you do not have to wonder the "why" part as the answer is they are common symptoms of anxiety, and anxiety is a common symptom of recovery from benzos.

If you were freaking out about why your heart is racing so much I would have given you same answer, anxiety. Yes it is from benzo withdrawal, but  not because benzos damaged the heart but because they affected the nervous system to a degree where severe anxiety is now prevalent amd rapid heart rate is caused by anxiety.

[[Cr...]]

15 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

I was doing better I was about 80 percent and had a huge stressor and I went from being fine to acute withdrawal over night 

Is that huge stressor event what your intrusive thoughts are about or is the stressor unrelated and just set you off in a bad way to where anxiety came full force and the  intrusive thoughts are about another matter?

[[Ha...]]

1 hour ago, [[L...] said:

So I got up today and really tried woke to impending doom had a shower tried to function , then the feeling sets in , the thoughts unbearable . This feeling in my body am not going over board makes me feel like doing things and urges constantly those things I know we’re not aloud to mention here , it’s indescribable , how do I cope with this and be a mother to my children who need me. I try and redirect my thoughts . Constantly but this feeling is too much , it’s inhumane , and yes the thoughts cause impending doom too . I can even describe it to anyone but it’s makes me want to rip of my skin , run and scream for help , cry constantly , and desperately search for ways out . I’m not saying I’m in crises right now I’m trying to explain this feeling in my body 

I have been going through this exact thing for 10 months now! I cried everyday the first 7 months because of the mental pain tied to a specific memory. Since then my mind constantly replays hundreds of memories a day all of which make me feel incredible shame and pain. Inhumane. Five weeks ago I finally turned a small corner and I somehow can now tolerate these thoughts slightly better. They still make me feel horribly sad but I don't want to kill myself as a way out most of the time now. It is a very erratic Amygdala and CNS pushing these thoughts. Those with severe anxiety can also experience this. I have the triple combo going on. I quit benzos, booze, and dysregulated my nervous system all at the same time. It's been unbearable. Actually I have no words for this constant pain 24/7. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

[[Lo...]]

@[Cr...] yes the stress was the start of this ruminating but I got triggered by something else which took over it which feels worse 😞

[[Lo...]]

@[Cr...] it’s a awful feeling inside of me , it feels like I’ve got electrical voltage and damp at the same time , like I’m damp inside , like a acid running through me like I need to be out of my body agaitaion and burning , I can’t really describe it but it’s like I urgently need it to go like I need to act and do something to take it away 

[[Lo...]]

@[Ha...] that’s really good you have turned a small corner , are you able to function now with these thoughts?  I’m sorry you have had this too 😞 it is so painful really is 

[[Ha...]]

1 hour ago, [[L...] said:

@[Ha...] that’s really good you have turned a small corner , are you able to function now with these thoughts?  I’m sorry you have had this too 😞 it is so painful really is 

I'm still not able to function very well no. Cannot work yet. Being beat down for as long as I have I am severely depressed and its hard going on with any kind of a day. I am just not crying all day. I also walk a bit now outside. Still rough shape. My mind keeps telling me I am not going to make it out of this, so im dealing with that also. I real shit show of an existence.

[[Lo...]]

@[Ha...] yes I have all those ruminations too , it’s awful 😞 trying to function and live with this I’m still trying to figure out 😣

[[Si...]]

I think this is what they call "inner akathisia".  It's unbearable terror that feels like something burning or corrosive is surging in your body.  

[[Fa...]]

Hi @[Lo...] & @[Si...].

I thought I would pop on here.  I wrote posts maybe a year ago regarding this.  I was not as descriptive as I could have been then...but, I think I did express a lot regarding terror and the mental AKA.  I know that 'mental AKA' is not a legitimate term in the Akathisia community, but we use it because there are no words in the English language to describe this experience.  It is inhumane.  It is 'other-worldly', 'other dimensional'.  I called it the 'upside down'.

Mine was at its worst when I had severe AKA.  I completely empathize with you @[Lo...].  I know Simona knows this all too well as we exchanged messages at some point through posts.

@[Lo...]...this is a nightmare...but, temporary.  Everything you are trying to express is understood by me, Simona and many others.  We know how impossible it is to put words to this.  The question becomes how do we move through this state of terror, despair, and feeling as though we are in an alternate reality that feels like a horror flick?  The answer is minute by minute, breath after breath, distraction and more distraction, and doing whatever you need to in the moment to keep moving forward.  The truth is this WILL end.  It may end suddenly or it may just begin to lessen and lessen.  Our brain is injured.  There is no logic to this...it's a misfiring brain and NS that is in a state of healing itself.

When I was in it to the degree you are right now, I needed to talk to someone who had experienced the same.  I was able to do that.  It did not take it away, but it did allow me to feel heard, seen...I needed someone to say 'yes, I know exactly what you are experiencing...it's the drug, the WD'.  It also gave me a safe space to express things that we cannot express here on the site.  What you are wanting to express is natural and, in my opinion, to be expected when in this state of suffering.  In my opinion, it is the worst symptom one can experience moving through WD and the recovery.  It helped me to remember that I was not going to experience it forever, and it helped to ground me.  This state that feels anything but organic will end.  I am still in it to varying degrees.  I am still tapering.  Now, I am able to get enough space in my brain that I can use tools to navigate it.

We get through this because it is not permanent.  It is temporary.  Not the kind of temporary we used to know...but, temporary none the less.  And, because it is temporary, we keep going.  You can't positive think your way out, so don't feel guilty for thinking that you are doing something wrong or not doing good enough.  Being here and moving through each day is all you need to do.  That is more than good enough.  Showing up is good enough.  And, as your NS begins to calm again after being triggered, you will get relief.

Know that this will end because it will.

Warmly,

F

  

Edited July 11 by [Fa...]

[[Ca...]]

I have the same thing going on for over two years. It is wearying that's for sure. I think Faith raises some very good points.

[[Ca...]]

That's a hell of a thing to deal with. Sounds like anxiety/depression which I've had more than my share of. It gets to be demoralizing and that's a dangerous place to be. Because I believe what it tells me about myself - deeply flawed of character, forced to look, face it all. There's so much grief I can hardly beat it. I go on crying jags, maybe 5 or 6 hrs. But it's what the ego would have me experience. Not so easy to deny when you're in the midst of it!! 

[[Lo...]]

On 11/07/2024 at 00:26, [[F...] said:

Hi @[Lo...] & @[Si...].

I thought I would pop on here.  I wrote posts maybe a year ago regarding this.  I was not as descriptive as I could have been then...but, I think I did express a lot regarding terror and the mental AKA.  I know that 'mental AKA' is not a legitimate term in the Akathisia community, but we use it because there are no words in the English language to describe this experience.  It is inhumane.  It is 'other-worldly', 'other dimensional'.  I called it the 'upside down'.

Mine was at its worst when I had severe AKA.  I completely empathize with you @[Lo...].  I know Simona knows this all too well as we exchanged messages at some point through posts.

@[Lo...]...this is a nightmare...but, temporary.  Everything you are trying to express is understood by me, Simona and many others.  We know how impossible it is to put words to this.  The question becomes how do we move through this state of terror, despair, and feeling as though we are in an alternate reality that feels like a horror flick?  The answer is minute by minute, breath after breath, distraction and more distraction, and doing whatever you need to in the moment to keep moving forward.  The truth is this WILL end.  It may end suddenly or it may just begin to lessen and lessen.  Our brain is injured.  There is no logic to this...it's a misfiring brain and NS that is in a state of healing itself.

When I was in it to the degree you are right now, I needed to talk to someone who had experienced the same.  I was able to do that.  It did not take it away, but it did allow me to feel heard, seen...I needed someone to say 'yes, I know exactly what you are experiencing...it's the drug, the WD'.  It also gave me a safe space to express things that we cannot express here on the site.  What you are wanting to express is natural and, in my opinion, to be expected when in this state of suffering.  In my opinion, it is the worst symptom one can experience moving through WD and the recovery.  It helped me to remember that I was not going to experience it forever, and it helped to ground me.  This state that feels anything but organic will end.  I am still in it to varying degrees.  I am still tapering.  Now, I am able to get enough space in my brain that I can use tools to navigate it.

We get through this because it is not permanent.  It is temporary.  Not the kind of temporary we used to know...but, temporary none the less.  And, because it is temporary, we keep going.  You can't positive think your way out, so don't feel guilty for thinking that you are doing something wrong or not doing good enough.  Being here and moving through each day is all you need to do.  That is more than good enough.  Showing up is good enough.  And, as your NS begins to calm again after being triggered, you will get relief.

Know that this will end because it will.

Warmly,

F

@[Fa...] thank you for your detailed reply and understanding . Yes it’s so hard and I’m trying g to figure out how I can cope and move forward with it , very difficult . 
I’m praying it eases up , I keep thinking my obsessing and rumminating is keeping it there but it all seems linked together some how . I think the doom feeling , of feeling unsafe is so frightening to cope with 😞