Struggle bus

[[Mi...]]

Hello all,

I am two months in to a withdrawal from taking 0.5 to 1 mg of klonopin for over ten years. I stopped CT. I also abused alcohol while taking the medication. I have been sober from alcohol for about three months. I felt like I was doing better a few weeks ago, but seem to have fallen backwards. I am depressed and almost seem catatonic at times throughout the day. I have very little interest in doing much and have been isolating myself from friends. I can sleep maybe 4 hours a night. I am self employed as a professional and have been struggling to keep up with my work and do it with the level of competency that I am used to. Most frighteningly, my cognitive processes are impaired. Basic reading comprehension and reasoning just is not there. It is hard because my intelligence is what I rely on and pride myself in. I feel dumb. I do not have the option to stop working as I have no other resources to support myself with. Does it get better? Will my brain get back to where it was a few months ago? I am feeling hopeless and don’t see how I can get through this.

I did finally go and see my long-term psychiatrist last week who denied that I could be going through protracted withdrawal. He gave me lexapro to take—hopefully that will help my mood in a few weeks. My main concern is my cognitive processes. Is there anything to help? I have read quite a bit of the threads on here about how this is a process and takes time. I just don’t know how to get through this without losing everything. I feel like each day, each hour, is a struggle just to keep moving forward. Please help.

[[Cr...]]

Hello @[Mi...], welcome to BenzoBuddies. I am glad you found us and are seeking support.

First off I want to congratulate you on stopping your abuse of alcohol as doing so will not only be very beneficial for your recovery from benzo use but will also provide long-term benefits for your health and mental well-being.

After a cold turkey many people experience a rough acute phase that last several weeks. After that, symptoms may subside a bit and it can even feel like things are rapidly on the mend. However, it is not uncommon to then experience periods where the symptoms get worse again or new symptoms appear. This is what is known as "waves" during the recovery process.

Like you, I too had issues with heavy alcohol use. I also cold turkeyed my klonopin (around .5mg). I was truly caught off guard later on when I suddenly started getting worse after it seemed things were getting better. Depression, anxiety, restlessness, burning skin, morning panic, etc.. it all hit me like a train about 3 months after my 2011 klonopin cold turkey.

I am not surprised that your psychiatrist has denied this could be withdrawal-related. Many are trained to believe that you are only in withdrawal until the medication is fully gone from you body and maybe a few weeks more at best. On a technical point they are right, but since the term "withdrawal" is often used by many to refer to the whole recovery period, you are not mistaken to believe your symptoms are still from benzo withdrawal. There are many doctors that are aware of the true nature of benzo withdrawal though, and they are unofficially labeled as being "benzo-wise".

And yes things will get better again over time. You want your cognitive function to return to how it was just several months ago, but considering you were still on benzos and alcohol back then you may be able to become even better than before with enough time and patience.

It does feel hopeless now, but trust me when I say things will not stay like this. They will get better with time. In regards to the Lexapro, I too got on an ssri during withdrawal but a little further down the line in my recovery timeline. In withdrawal our cns is very sensitive to anything that directly affects it. Therefor, if you feel the depression is too much to bear and you really want to try an AD, I hope you start very slowly.

Therapeutic dose of Lexapro is usually between 10 to 20mgs, you might want to see if you can do something like taking just 2.5 mgs the first week, and adding 2.5 mgs more every 7 days. Often when starting ssris patients will be given a benzo to suppress the start-up effects like agitation and anxiety.  Not having benzos as an option means it would be wiser to go on an AD very slowly.

If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to ask. If you haven't read the Ashton Manual I highly suggest doing so to help educate yourself about this whole recovery process.

Take care.

[[Mi...]]

@[Cr...] Thank you for the warm welcome and extensive response.  I have reviewed the Ashton Manual and read many of the success stories here, so I know in the abstract that things will improve with time, but I think I get bogged down in the present struggle instead of focusing on how this will lead to long-term improvement.

You are quite correct, abusing alcohol in addition to the klonopin certainly affected my cognition and general mood for years. I was in a bad spot and chose this route so that I could become healthy. I stopped the alcohol roughly a month before the klonopin, which drastically improved my overall wellbeing for mood and cognition. I saw the improvement and felt great.  I think that is part of the reason that I am feeling so down—I regret stopping the klonopin because I was feeling so good with just a month of sobriety. That being said, I have to remember that I will get back to that feeling with time. And, as you said, I will likely feel even better.  I have to remember why I am doing this  

I read on here to be careful with starting ADs.  I (unwisely) ignored said advice and started out at 10 mg on lexapro. I am now at day 8. It’s been a bit rough, but I made that decision to try to have a quicker impact on my mood so that I can maintain my work. I would not suggest doing that. I experienced increased anxiety that left me feeling like I was backsliding, but have noticed some minor improvements. At this point I plan on sticking it out as I am hopeful I am over the worst of it. Wish me luck. 

I am still waiting for my first real ‘window.’ I am hopeful that it will be soon as I am approaching 10 weeks. I am not sure if starting the SSRI will impact that timeline. 

Thank you again for your response and sharing your experience.  I think helped me process through my current rut a bit. 

Edited July 10 by [Mi...]

[[Cr...]]

49 minutes ago, [[M...] said:

I (unwisely) ignored said advice and started out at 10 mg on lexapro.

Besides ADs having their own issues (side effects and withdrawal syndrome), the main reason people are cautioned about starting one while in withdrawal is that they may be even more sensitive to the negative effects that come along with starting an AD from scratch.

Since you are on day 8, and at 10mgs even, you may be fine. During my 3rd or 4th month of recovery I took one dose of Lexapro (5 mg) and was pacing with racing thoughts and severe anxiety. Luckily you seem to be tolerating it well so the start-up caution may not be a factor in your case. Just don't expect the AD to prevent all or even most of your symptoms. If it proves effective for you, it might decrease your depression and anxiety by just enough to make the effort worth it.

Are you holding out at 10mg for awhile or does your prescriber want you to jump to 20 soon?

[[Mi...]]

4 minutes ago, [[C...] said:

Are you holding out at 10mg for awhile or does your prescriber want you to jump to 20 soon?

I’m holding out at 10 mg for now. I don’t meet with him again for about 6-8 weeks. I’m sure he will revisit that at that time. Any suggestions?

As for side effects—the main one I noticed was increased anxiety, but I am having a hard time comparing it to where I was at prior to starting the medication. My thoughts don’t ever really shut off at baseline, so maybe I am just used to thoughts jumping around (I’m AuDHD). I did not have a specifically noticeable reaction on the first dose of lexapro relative to the prior days. I took lexapro for years in the past and do not recall any side effects when I started the medication then, but recognize my CNS is not in the same position it was in at that time.

I am mostly hopeful that my mood will at least be a smidge better.

Just for a bit of context: I’ve taken some form of SSRI for almost 20 years. I don’t generally tolerate other classes of ADs when my brain is healthy. Prior to going CT on the klonopin I stopped taking an SSRI about a month prior (I dropped out of services for some months), so was certainly dealing with a bit of withdrawal from the SSRI when I went CT on the klonopin. 

[[pi...]]

Hello @[Mi...],

While I can’t speak to issues relating to antidepressants, I can share with you my benzo withdrawal experience. I also felt very dumb during my recovery process. As a piano teacher and pianist, I felt there was a disconnect between my brain and my fingers. At times I was certain that my students played better than me. This improved as my cns started to recover. If I am reading correctly, you are just two months out of a ct of klonopin. That is a huge shock to your fragile system and as @[Cr...] mentioned, the acute phase can last for a while and strong symptoms can as well.

These cognitive issues will resolve and improve. I actually felt my concentration at practice was far better than before I was on benzos once my recovery was in full force, My first post benzo recovery performance felt really great, those good endorphins came back. 

[[Mi...]]

Hello @[pi...],

You are correct, I am two months out from a ct of klonopin.

I appreciate the hope in your response. I work in the legal profession where I have to work with people and think on my feet. I have recently been lost in the doom and gloom of never being able to get back to a place where I can perform at a level where I feel competent. I was keeping up hope for some time, but the lack of improvement has been getting to me. I think that knowing that others have gone through something similar, and that things did improve, helps me to keep moving forward. 

I am feeling a bit less isolated.

Thank you.