13 months off

[[Si...]]

I'm not good.  I don't know why I'm writing here, just venting really.  I can't cope with the anxiety/terror stabbing at me.  I lose it and scream.  I was starting to get better.  I had got to the point where my morning work out (6 mins intense treadmill) was making me feel better, not worse.  I had many normal or almost normal afternoons after it.  But now I've hurt my achilles and I can't exercise or even walk really.  I didn't realise how much the exercise was helping me with the painful terror.  I feel this is going to be a third thing.  I already have 21 years of chronic shoulder pain for which I have to do stretches with foam roller all morning, and multiple times through the day.  The brain injury is the 2nd thing, of course by far the worst thing - I'd thought living with chronic pain was torture until reaching this beyond words dimension of human suffering. I don't cope well.  I scream for my old life.  I try to control myself, I make it though one surge, then the next, then the next, each one in a crescendo of intensity until it breaks through and I scream.  Waking up is awful but getting up is even worse, lying backwards on the foam roller produces terror surges.  Why?  A position of my body causes this alien "anxiety".  Once I am on all fours it is better.  I am on other meds which put me to sleep, but I think they are not helping.  I am tapering them slowly.   I am full of rage and frustration.  I've been suffering since July 2022 as this condition I think has been more a reaction to the diazepam rather than withdrawal.  Well I will stop ranting.  I just can't bear it any more,  like so many others I know..

[[pi...]]

@[Si...],

These drugs don’t play fair do they? I’m sorry that you are having physical issues that prevent you from getting the exercise that seems to help you. Believe me, I do know that chronic physical conditions can be difficult to tolerate. I have had 5 surgeries on my right shoulder including two replacements.

I will tell you that I wasn’t healed at 13 months. I was happy to be a year away from benzos but frustrated that I hadn’t recovered yet. A lot of good healing took place that second year. 

What sleep medication are you taking? You mentioned you are tapering them. I wonder if this could also be contributing to how you feel.

Until your achilles heals can you perhaps try some meditation or deep belly breathing? 

It’s ok to rant and vent. I used to do that to my daughter’s dog when I was walking him. He was a good listener but I think he was happy when I recovered. And I did, it took about 15-16 months. For me, it was well worth the wait.

[[Si...]]

Yes something has made me worse.  It's either the taper, or reactions to the meds, or the fact I cut out one of my melatonins.  I shouldn't have done that.  I'm taking trazodone and mirtazapine and tapering the mirt.  I haven't had problems with the taper until maybe now.  I'm starting to worry about the trazodone as it has a metabolite that's like speed.  The last few days I feel funny after taking the meds, heart palpitations and anxiety - before the meds took away my anxiety.   They are still putting me to sleep though somehow through the anxiety.  

[[pi...]]

I have no experience with either trazodone or mirtazapine. Hopefully others will weigh in with their experience with either or both medications.  It seems to me like to drugs are causing some of your problems since you are having strong symptoms after taking them.

[[...]]

@[Si...], hi. I feel extremely sad for you and remember well it was your post, last November, which made me be brave and start my mirtazapine tapering in the end. How far are you in it? What mirt dose are you on now? I seem to have finished the taper but not sure yet.  Certainly, it affects our condition, which is still vulnerable due to benzo/ its withdrawal. For me, it was different each time during the reduction. There were some cuts i didn't feel at all and others making me much worse for a while. I think it could be partly a reason for you to have plunged in the wave. How long ago did you start experience the worsening?

I know what physical pain is too. Mine was benzo induced and i lived with it for 3 years. It was hard and i stopped believing it could ever get better but it did. I know your pain is of different nature but i also know that all our chronical issues tend to feel much worse during WD as well as the fact that it will get better, at least up to its before-benzo level and hope even better.

Just sending my support and understanding to you and would so much like you to heal rather sooner!

[[Si...]]

Thank you @[...]  you are a sweetheart.  Yes I can't believe how long this is going on.  I tapered mirt from 30mg, like you, but I'm going pretty slow.  I didn't feel any of the cuts except when I got to 15mg, so I then halved the speed and that fixed it.  I'm now on 9.75mg, I went down Tuesday last week, and i got worse last Saturday.  I'm so frightened.   

[[...]]

@[Si...], i still think the worsening could have been caused by a mirt cut. Not sure how it works but I did have a couple of mirt cuts which i felt pretty rough afterwards but not for too long. And sure the bad achilles is making everything worse. Perhaps smth else.  This weird healing is such a complicated process.

Are you scared bc you doubt the benzo induced ordeal will ever stop? It must and i think your being better+- for a while is a proof of it. I still have waves. My symptoms left are muscle pain and tension driving up and down throughout the body. I feel more of it when waves come. I can't say i'm scared then, just endlessly tired but firmly believe we will heal, one day completely. Wish you getting better with all my heart!

Oh, and i have a benzo friend who tapered off of trazadone. We calculated her taper together.

 

 

 

[[Si...]]

I'm scared because I think it will take at least another year to stop.  That's too much. Or yes, maybe it will never stop. I am so weary.  I forced myself not to scream today and just feel the sensations.  I did breathing exercises for half an hour.  Weirdly they helped some when in acute but not now.  There's this awful thing curling up my stomach and chest.  I found even not screaming I open my mouth is if in acute pain.  I don't understand how this much suffering for so long is possible.  I don't know how much is me now and not the benzo, but if it is me there is no way I can fight such a thing.  If I'm around the right person, it goes away.  That never happened before.  I am looked after by my mother and she is fragile and not confident or calm.  When I'm around super confident and calm people, my symptoms go.  So maybe now it's me and not the benzo any more.  

[[Fa...]]

@[Si...]  I'm sorry you are moving through an uptick in symptoms and for your injury, Simona.  My hearts goes out to you.

I see you as very strong.  I see you as a fighter, and an excellent one at that!  I don't feel you have given yourself enough credit for all you have handled since this all began.  Please see your strength.  I do.

I wanted to comment on how our body responds to the nervous system of others because I believe this is a very real experience.  Not just people but places, too.  The people/places we surround ourselves with are very important when our NS is so sensitized.  And, depending on how sensitive we are to energies, this can be a very real obstacle moving through this.  Everything is energy and depending on the state of the energy in our immediate surroundings, we can be affected.  It's where the term 'borrowing another's healthy nervous system' comes from.

This is not finger pointing or blaming...it's just life.  I have needed to, as I move through this, really be mindful of what/who I surround myself with.  When my nervous system is in a more balanced state, I can move out a little more and expose myself without it affecting me so much.  When I am teetering, I have to withdraw.  I've become quite adept at recognizing when I become affected.  It becomes more challenging when those in our immediate life may be a contributing factor.  Again...no finger pointing because it isn't personal, it's energy.  And, we are like sponges during this.

I won't go into what I've had to do to calm my system down, but I've had to alter a lot.  It won't be forever, but it is like this now.  And, healing will happen much faster when we can keep ourselves as calm as we possibly can.  Some days, it can feel out of our hands...like while acute.  But, when we feel we have a little more space to make choices for ourselves and our well being, those times are very important.  Being around the right person is like borrowing their healthy nervous system.  It's kinda like through osmosis we feel calmer.  Self-care can sometimes look to others like selfishness...but, it's not.  It's taking care of the self.

You're in my thoughts.

Warmly,

F 

[[...]]

11 hours ago, [[S...] said:

I'm scared because I think it will take at least another year to stop.  That's too much. Or yes, maybe it will never stop. I am so weary.  I forced myself not to scream today and just feel the sensations.  I did breathing exercises for half an hour.  Weirdly they helped some when in acute but not now.  There's this awful thing curling up my stomach and chest.  I found even not screaming I open my mouth is if in acute pain.  I don't understand how this much suffering for so long is possible.  I don't know how much is me now and not the benzo, but if it is me there is no way I can fight such a thing.  If I'm around the right person, it goes away.  That never happened before.  I am looked after by my mother and she is fragile and not confident or calm.  When I'm around super confident and calm people, my symptoms go.  So maybe now it's me and not the benzo any more.  

I think it's still benzo and, perhaps, other alien chemistry. I'd say i'm sure. I happen to have made friends with a couple of people in benzo withdrawal and be closely watching and discussing their progress. However different the symptoms or their length are, it's always the same in general. We all doubt, the further the more, whether it's  WD and tend to fear it's us. I 'm sure it isn't but the recovery can take soo long and can be so much of a different pattern for everyone.

I think it's a good sign you feel better aroun right and calm& confident people. Me too. And, yes, i'm also sure you'll manage to get through it, no matter how long it takes. As far as i know, everyone does in the end. It's sort of instinkt of self-preservation. I, personally, don't fight wd issues but wait them out, although terribly need to heal rather soon and start working. I can't do it yet bc of unpredictable pain days still happening to me every now and then.

Just healing to us all and may it be soon!

[[Si...]]

Well today and yesterday were quite a bit better.  Even the wake ups were okay for the first 20 mins.  Tonight unfortunately it is starting to come back.  I tried to do my "homework" for therapy and it triggered the horrible surges.  So I stopped.  It entailed writing down how I feel for every hour of the day, and what I'm doing at that time.  I've started seeing a therapist but only because of constant fights with my father about needing to see one.  I have no interest in seeing someone who cannot take the physical aka/anxiety away, and who will also be yet another person who doesn't understand and does not believe it's the drugs.  Sure enough, she is exactly how I predicted. Minimising pure torture as a "nervous breakdown".  At least it is positive that I am able to go out and have an appointment.  Definitely couldn't do that a year ago.  

[[pi...]]

@[Si...],

I would count today as a win. I’m sorry that therapy is not what you expected and needed. Frankly, there are few that truly understand withdrawal and all it encompasses. But, you are doing things you could not do a year ago. This is a huge step forward in healing. Give yourself a pat on the back and know that these good days will keep coming your way.

[[Si...]]

My achilles is not getting any better.  I am frightened and this of course has made my benzo symptoms so much worse.  It feels like a mini benzo withdrawal all over again - different advice everywhere, people suffering for years unable to recover - yet again I want to know when I can get better from this and walk again and I have no idea.  I hope I'm over-reacting.  Everyone says it's a minor injury, that I should get better soon - that's what they said about the benzo too.  My benzo anxiety torture is so much worse now.  I feel desperate.  

[[pi...]]

From what I understand Achilles injuries can be severe and take a while to heal. I know someone who tore his playing tennis. It did require surgery and recovery was slow, but he did recover. 

Being in withdrawal and dealing with your injury is amplifying everything. This is a really common issue for people dealing with benzo withdrawal. It’s very easy to catastrophize. I went through this as well. 

Have you been give ideas on treating this injury, whether it be ice, heat or rest and elevation? What information have you received from the doctor? 

It’s not time to be desperate. You’ve hit a snag and it will resolve. 

[[Si...]]

Yes, rest and anti-inflammatories.  I am a bit better today and sure enough the achilles problem doesn't seem so much of a catastrophe, even though it's no better and I'm still limping.  I may have taken too little traz Monday night by accident ... I think I did as yesterday was so much worse than I've had in months.  I really hope that was it.  

[[pi...]]

I really hope you start to see even more improvements in your Achilles. From someone who has had many shoulder surgeries, I think I can count the time spent in a sling in years! You just can’t rush these things. I’m very glad today is a little better!