I really am struggling to function

[[Lo...]]

Im really scared , I can’t function hardly and I have 4 children . I have no help at all and don’t know what to do . I can’t do therapy im Too sick honestly it either makes me worse or my brain jumps around trying to do it . I have this inner feeling like I need to be out of my body now! I have this dread that is taking over every fibre of my being , ocd looping and regrets , jealously , anger and guilt . It’s crushing . I’m on torture to put it lightly , I can’t can’t out of my bed in the morning because the dread and depression are so bad , I have constant fear and agrophiobia now and afraid of every single person out there . What do I do seriously , I need help 

[[Lo...]]

My kids are literally sobbing that I can’t take them on holiday and all their friends are going places , I feel like I’m just hindering every bodies lives just being here 

[[Cr...]]

1 minute ago, [[L...] said:

What do I do seriously , I need help 

The answer lies in what you are capable of doing. No message given by any member here will erase your symptoms simply by reading it.

Waiting for more time to pass may be a long-term solution but you seem like you are in need of some improvements in the shorter term.

Doing therapy can be very beneficial to you but it would require you to leave your house, unless it is done using the phone or computer in a teleconference of sorts.

I have mentioned this before but there are lots of YT videos about intrusive thoughts and catastrophic thinking that are made by therapists or former sufferers. They include suggestions on how to combat this issue.

Meditation seems like it is not an option because you cannot focus on anything but these thoughts. However, you do NOT need a quiet mind to start Meditation. Meditation is about slowly learning over many sessions how to quiet your mind and nervous system. So please don't give it a try and then give up after one session or 5 minutes.

These methods above may take weeks of utilization until you start feeling huge improvements, but you have to take the first step and start somewhere.

Right now you seem too focused on finding an instant solution like a pill or post that will quickly make you feel normal again. Sadly we all wish for that but it isn't realistic.

[[Lo...]]

I just do scared any wondered how people function with these symptoms , honestly my mind jumps around frantic and I did try therapy on zoom but I was so afraid of the lady doing it that after I was in sheer terror she would share all my information

[[Cr...]]

3 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

My kids are literally sobbing that I can’t take them on holiday and all their friends are going places , I feel like I’m just hindering every bodies lives just being here 

Your kids would also be sobbing if their mother gave up on them. I was useless to those around me when I was in a severe wave during recovery. You focusing on yourself is technically still you focusing on your kids, as getting yourself better is being done mostly out of love for them is it not?

You have no reason to feel guilty for how you are feeling unless you gave up in trying to make yourself better. You obviously have not given up and I hope you put effort into every suggestion you have been given on this site.

[[Lo...]]

@[Cr...] I am trying with the suggestions , it’s just this feeling I need to be out of my body is so hard to live with , I am starting to think my family would be better without me it’s very distressing , especially when I see how much I’m holding them back . I feel like o need to pace or scream or do something eractic . Will the agraophobia go away ? 
i can’t meditate as im scared it will damage my brain 😞

[[Cr...]]

28 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

I am starting to think my family would be better without me it’s very distressing , especially when I see how much I’m holding them back

If you feel that thought is becoming more prevalent with time then you should really utilize local support or counseling services. If you feel that thought is getting to a point where you are afraid of acting on it you need to get yourself to the doctor or hospital depending on the severity. I am sure you still remember the BB Guidelines that have been brought up in the past regarding thoughts of suicidal ideation and self-harm. 

You are afraid of therapists and of some possible effects from meditation but yet you are contemplating taking anti-psychotic medications. As long as you continue to do nothing but dwell on these thoughts you may not see much in the way of improvements in the short term.

[[Lo...]]

@[Cr...] im terrified of medication too , and any local support , im just full of fear and no where to turn 😞

[[Li...]]

@[Lo...]

Following up on@[Cr...]’s excellent suggestion to seek out and view YouTube content about how to deal with intrusive thoughts and catastrophic thinking …

Jennifer Swantkowski is a therapist who also has lived experience with benzodiazepine harm and withdrawal. Her YouTube channel has multiple resources on these topics.  Here are two of them:

 

[[Cr...]]

26 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

@[Cr...] im terrified of medication too , and any local support , im just full of fear and no where to turn 😞

I understand that fear. But you must try harder to push yourself to overcome that fear. If you fear therapy, meditation, and medication I am not sure what solution you are hoping to be provided with by other members beyond telling you to just wait for things to get better own their own. Is just waiting an acceptable solution for you?

Verbal and written support will only get us so far. Sometimes we need to really push ourselves to overcome our fears to fully give recovery a boost 

[[Lo...]]

@[Cr...] I’m not sure how to wait anymore either , I’m in such distress over this , I spend all day worried sick about what to do , I can’t go on another day living this way , that’s how I feel everday , I cry sweat , feel like ripping my skin off , it’s awful and insane . I can’t have any peace inside of me at any point . I was well last year , how has this happened to me , I had one day in this whole 5 months I was able to function and I had a window in the night but I got triggered again and since then I cannot function anymore that’s upsets me over and over , if only I hadn’t been triggered . Would I be healing now 😞

[[vo...]]

@[Lo...]Crono and others have given you such wise advice so many times and I am not sure you have attempted to follow any of the advice. I'm guessing it is because you are in such a horrible place in your mind, as many of us are. We each have to find a way to deal with what we are going through in a way that works for us, so I am offering something that has worked for me with regards to intrusive thoughts such as guessing why my daughter hasn't called me back as fast as I would like her, why I think somebody is talking behind my back or maybe why we get those unfounded thoughts in our mind that we can't get out of our head. I learned this in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and it took me quite a while to finally come to terms with it. As much as we can't reason, understand or comprehend things, a simple solution is to STOP. The STOP technique and group therapy are indeed powerful tools for managing intrusive thoughts and fostering better mental health. Please, I implore you to print out the attached out and put it on your refrigerator. If you can't print it out, write it in a thick bold marker and put it on your fridge. Every time something, ANYTHING, negative happens in your mind, look at it. Keep looking at it every single time thoughts come into your head and work on retraining the way your mind thinks. I am certainly not saying this harshly, or with any negativity. It is the most positive thing I can possibly offer you. Think of this every single time and trust me, in time it really does work. Also, I would encourage you to seek out group therapy in your area that offers DBT. I have been to upwards of 30+ therapists in my lifetime and nothing, absolutely nothing compares to how well DBT works in a group setting. You will find other people going through different issues but you will all be able to relate to each other. You won't be sorry you did. Please consider this - your children really need their mother back, and they grow up too quickly to not have you right now. You only get one chance at raising them - there's no "do overs". Trust me when I say this, because I will never be able to recover the regrets I have with my now adult children, all because of these stupid, evil drugs nor for my anxiety, depression or bi-polar disorders. Please try, for yourself and for your children. Instead of posting what you can't do, aren't doing, etc., post what you are GOING to do - in baby steps, then DO IT, one foot after another. Post what you are going to do for yourself and for your children and do it. Hold yourself accountable to do it. You will never get another chance in this lifetime to do what you need to do for yourself or your children. Please....

Stop07082024.pdf

[[Lo...]]

@[vo...] thank you for your post also , I will look into it and try , I really am suffering with the inner feelings of not being in my body , it’s torture and how I can cope with it I’m struggling to know , but i will try with the thoughts and yes I can print it out and I will look into it . I  have so many different intrusive thoughts , ocd loops over everybody in my town knowing stuff about me , constant flash backs of my life , intrusive memories of regret and guilt and it goes on with this inner feeling like I can’t be in my body .  I’m afraid to leave my house as I feel everyone is thinking things about me , it’s intense level of shame and guilt . I feel like I’m dying alive and I was a very chilled hands on mum before all this , my children have seen me in acute before and get better and now I’m back in it again , how many times can a person suffer it took all my strength to get better before to have it all snatched away again 😞

[[vo...]]

Just now, [[L...] said:

@[vo...] thank you for your post also , I will look into it and try , I really am suffering with the inner feelings of not being in my body , it’s torture and how I can cope with it I’m struggling to know , but i will try with the thoughts and yes I can print it out and I will look into it . I  have so many different intrusive thoughts , ocd loops over everybody in my town knowing stuff about me , constant flash backs of my life , intrusive memories of regret and guilt and it goes on with this inner feeling like I can’t be in my body .  I’m afraid to leave my house as I feel everyone is thinking things about me , it’s intense level of shame and guilt . I feel like I’m dying alive and I was a very chilled hands on mum before all this , my children have seen me in acute before and get better and now I’m back in it again , how many times can a person suffer it took all my strength to get better before to have it all snatched away again 😞

You have written this before and you need to stop doing it over and over again, especially to and for yourself. It's only continuing to reinforce the negative thoughts and feelings you are having. Go back and reread the positive feedback you were given as well as what I wrote. You need to heal yourself - you won't get another chance to raise your children. Focus on the positive so you can heal. Start looking on line for DBT therapy now.....come back with writing what you have found out. I hope this helps - I only mean well.

[[Lo...]]

@[vo...] but do you have this inner feelings , I’m not sure if it’s akathisia I’m dealing with , it’s torture , I don’t think any one is really understanding how unbearable these symptoms are , it’s almost impossible to raise my children in this state . I want nothing more than to be there for them but it’s so hard when I’m mentally and physically tortured with these inhumane feelings 24/7 

I will look into it , I think because I’ve tried so many things and nothing is helping it , it’s really making me feel like there really is no hope for me 

[[vo...]]

21 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

@[vo...] but do you have this inner feelings , I’m not sure if it’s akathisia I’m dealing with , it’s torture , I don’t think any one is really understanding how unbearable these symptoms are , it’s almost impossible to raise my children in this state .

Yes. I started with akathasia shortly after weaning off benzos. Now I have full blown protracted withdrawal symptoms and I'm mentally and physically tortured by it. But I use the tools I was given in DBT as well as the feedback I read that others have posted on this website to help me. If I focus on everything that's wrong with me, I can't allow myself to get better. I'm hoping you will do the same.

[[vo...]]

@[Lo...] Hello! I hope you're doing a bit better today and were able to make even a small step forward. I understand that you might still be experiencing the same symptoms as yesterday, but I'm hopeful that you've seen some progress. Please let me know how you're feeling.

[[Lo...]]

@[vo...] I haven’t been too good to be honest , I woke full of impending doom 😞 I’ve only just started to be able to try and push myself , just going to have a shower and going to try and tidy up some . I will look into things more today , thank you for checking in on me. Hope you are well 

[[vo...]]

10 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

 I’ve only just started to be able to try and push myself , just going to have a shower and going to try and tidy up some . I will look into things more today 

@[Lo...] 

 

You used some wonderful key words, and I'm so happy to hear this! I understand you might not be feeling well and don't want to discourage you from sharing how you feel—it's important to keep doing that. However, try to also focus on the positives so you can continue to improve and not stay in the same place.

Also, stay focused on accomplishing what you set out to do today. Please make some calls to search for local help; I really hope you reach out for assistance. Lastly, please kiss your children and tell them you love them. I can't do that, and I don't want you to go through the same. 

 

[[pi...]]

I agree with @[vo...], your words today impart a different mood, a sense of moving forward. That is very good @[Lo...]! Pat yourself on the back for any and all  things you strive to do today. Try not to let fear prevent you from reaching out for help. Moving past it is a step toward recovery.

[[Lo...]]

@[pi...] @[vo...]thank you , to be honest it’s been another very hard day but I have put some washing away and did a small tidy of my living room . I have this awful impending doom all the time and feel like I’m breaking down inside my body , I feel very alone . I was eating dinner and just my daughter talking about her friend on holiday sent me into a spiral Of doom and dread  and panic , I could not stop it not matter how much I tried my tools . I have a very very small life right now , it’s very scary for me how unwell I am and all my children depend on me . It does feel like I’ve gone right back to the start again . I’m going to bath my children now and try to regroup 😔

the mental health worker who came out today had no idea of my suffering she just wanted to get me started on diazepam asap 

 

[[pi...]]

Doing things, like bathing the children, is good. Anything that takes you out of your head and focusing on something else is a positive. I lived in a very small universe during tolerance and most definitely during withdrawal and recovery. Only very slowly did my world grow. 

I’m sorry that the health care worker’s idea of help was less than ideal. Keep looking though. It took me a long time to find a doctor that agreed the drug was among me ill. There are good therapists out there, sometimes you have to shop around.