New to the forum

[[An...]]

Hello everybody!

I have been a benzo addict for 10 years and an alcoholic for around 25 years. The last few years have been a desperate struggle to get off the benzo's and stay off the booze. I ended up managing to get the cash together and spent 45 nights in a rehab. I'd been thinking about it for a while and one day I woke up and I knew that I couldn't continue as I was. My life was just rubbish. It wasn't as terrible as some people have suffered but it was pretty horrid.

And I got out the rehab not that long ago and went back to my flat. I knew it was bad but it was far worse than I remembered. Worse still I hadn't thrown away all the pills before I went to the rehab. Predictably, by the next morning, I'd drunk and used again. Things picked up a bit after I finished the pills that I had left in the flat and I managed to stop drinking but I've had a rough few weeks mentally. And ended up drinking again. So earlier I used a UK addiction helpline and they recommended this site and I thought I might as well kind of introduce myself. I'm not sure if I will ever be a regular poster but I've read through some of the older threads on here and people seem nice so I typed this.

[[Cr...]]

Hello @[An...], welcome to BenzoBuddies. 

Would you be willing to share a little more information with us regarding your benzo use? What benzodiazepine were you on and what dose? You said you came home and used up the rest of your benzos. If so, what amount and for how many days?

BenzoBuddies is a peer to peer support site meant to provide help/resources to people that want to come off benzos and also provide support during the post-benzo recovery process.

We are not qualified to provide direct expertise with overcoming addiction, but if you need help in learning about the benzo withdrawal process and getting through it we will gladly help.

If you haven't read the Ashton Manual I suggest you do so to help you get prepared for this journey.

If you have any questions please feel free to ask.

[[Pa...]]

Hello @[An...], welcome.

Congratulations on going to rehab, that was an excellent decision and even though you used again, you went 45 days without which means you can do it again.

I quit drinking a few years before trying my first benzo, I knew better of course but I rationalized my use right up until I hit the wall, again.    I wanted to share this with you to let you know its possible to give up these awful substances that make our lives miserable.

Are you benzo free now, have you run out of pills and do you plan to acquire more?  We can support you if its your desire to be free but if you're still drinking, it will be tough. You know what the booze does to our willpower and even worse, alcohol acts on the same receptors so they can't heal if we're still abusing them.

I'm glad you're here because I know how miserable you are but you can do this, you already made a big first step, don't let this slip make you give up, sometimes it takes a few tries to succeed. 

@[Pa...]

[[An...]]

4 hours ago, [[C...] said:

Hello @[An...], welcome to BenzoBuddies. 

Would you be willing to share a little more information with us regarding your benzo use? What benzodiazepine were you on and what dose? You said you came home and used up the rest of your benzos. If so, what amount and for how many days?

BenzoBuddies is a peer to peer support site meant to provide help/resources to people that want to come off benzos and also provide support during the post-benzo recovery process.

We are not qualified to provide direct expertise with overcoming addiction, but if you need help in learning about the benzo withdrawal process and getting through it we will gladly help.

If you haven't read the Ashton Manual I suggest you do so to help you get prepared for this journey.

If you have any questions please feel free to ask.

Hi, yes, I should have given more detail. Peer-peer is important. I've been an alcoholic since before the day I could afford to drink every day. Benzo's mainly started in 2014.

I'll keep it pretty brief: It started when I tried to quit drinking in 2006 I think it was. I had a seizure and ended up in hospital. I was given a benzo to fight the alcohol WD's and I loved it. In August 2014 I started buying it on the dark web and I've not managed to get off it properly since. Primarily I was able to get genuine diazepam and my daily dose when I went into the rehab was 30mg. Obviouslly it had been a hell of a lot higher in the past but I'd been trying drive it down in a safe manner. I engage with my local drug and alcohol service and I have engaged with NA, CA and AA (and intend to start going again). I am familiar with the Ashton Manual but have not read it. I have discussed and read about safe tapers.

Currently I have not had any benzo's for about 3 weeks. The amount that was in my flat on my return from the rehab was 140mg of genuine diazepam and around 60mg of fake Xanax (am I right that in North America you call the fakes 'Pressies'?). It took me around 10 days to get thru that and that means it could have been a lot worse. I believed I had thrown away all the benzo's in the flat before I got in the cab to rehab. I just had not done that. I think it was a semi blackout drink/benzo thing as I can absolutly remember chucking a strip of genuine vals into a bin before I got in the cab. The fake Xanax had arrived in the post while I was in the rehab. Turns out I ordered them just a couple of days before I went into the rehab. No idea what was going thru my head, I just can't remember doing it.

[[An...]]

4 hours ago, [[P...] said:

Hello @[An...], welcome.

Congratulations on going to rehab, that was an excellent decision and even though you used again, you went 45 days without which means you can do it again.

I quit drinking a few years before trying my first benzo, I knew better of course but I rationalized my use right up until I hit the wall, again.    I wanted to share this with you to let you know its possible to give up these awful substances that make our lives miserable.

Are you benzo free now, have you run out of pills and do you plan to acquire more?  We can support you if its your desire to be free but if you're still drinking, it will be tough. You know what the booze does to our willpower and even worse, alcohol acts on the same receptors so they can't heal if we're still abusing them.

I'm glad you're here because I know how miserable you are but you can do this, you already made a big first step, don't let this slip make you give up, sometimes it takes a few tries to succeed. 

@[Pa...]

Many thanks for your encouragment. It is much appreciated!

So I've already answered most of your queries. Otherwise: Yeah, I don't expect my life to improve unless I can cut everything out. I'm under no illusion that it can be any other way. It's why I said I'm not sure if I'll become a forum regular. I have to feel able to permanently stop drinking. I did think I could when I left rehab and I think I can get that back just yesterday/today has been rather patchy, for my mental state.

I'm probably not as bad as I have sounded. I'm certainly not good thou.

Oh the things I've told myself about drug use. It's mental. Making tea from the correct poppy pod (then leagally available in the UK, might still be) because the opiates would fight the alcohol and benzo wd's. That was briliant. A few months later I was addicted to all three. Obv's I got off the opiates a while (over 7 years) ago. But yeah that was a bangin' idea.