Can someone with experience here please help? My life may be ruined.

[[mu...]]

Hi everyone.

I am writing to you today after a night in the ER and a subsequent relapse on diazepam. I will try to keep it brief so hopefully as many people as possible can give some ideas.

 

Until last night I was 2 months clean from a 15 year addiction to benzos. It was easy at first and I was really shocked. I tapered from 2mg to 1mg. Then .5mg for about a year. And finally I was eating .25 a few times a week to provide a spaced taper as well (6 months). This whole time I never experienced a single issue. Finally the day came when I decided to kick completely. Again, no problems at all. I was shocked. No seizures, sweats, cramps, etc. during what would be the traditional hell period of weeks after. I slept like a baby.

 

At around 1 month totally clean I was still fine, but I did notice I had some depression and anger. It was ok as I had read about it and prepared for much worse. So aside from some irrational anger (hard to interact with people; like I had a real short fuse) and just feeling very, very depressed (suicidal ideations), I was fine. I told myself that this was what I created and if all I had to deal with were some emotions, lucky me.

 

At about a month and a half off, however, I started to experience small pains in my heart. Not massively painful but sharp small pains. These pains would also come with palpitations. Now, I get palpitations sometimes, but they were starting to go form once a month or once a week to once a day. Then several times a day. Finally at the two month period these feelings were coming frequently. I began to worry severely about my heart. I went to get a checkup. They did see the palps and they did see a little bit of an elevated heart rate, but nothing to cause concern apparently. (The doctor confirming the palpitations and heart rate meant that this was all REAL and CONFIRMED in my mind.)

 

Well, ok... Trust the doctors of course. So I kept pushing on, but at two months clean with "no" (to my understanding) WD issues, I was very much convinced that the benzos were not the issue, as that window of opportunity had come and gone for withdrawals. I have read tons about this on here and I know they can last long, but I had never read about them not even STARTING for two months. So I decided I was instead dealing with heart issues. And they seemed to be getting worse-fast. I had confirmation from the doctor that something abnormal was going on. I began to worry about strokes and heart attacks. 

 

Cut to yesterday. I went to a scheduled appointment early in the morning to get some feedback from a doctor about a holter monitor I had worn the week before. He said I had a bit of a raised heart rate but, again, no cause for concern as it wasn't all day. Rather, it was a 'here and there' situation. When I described my symptoms again, he told me to just go to the ER the next time it happens. (It had been increasing in frequency.)

 

Last night I was out with my friend and his daughter getting some food and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Massive dizzy spells to the point where I couldn't think, talk, or walk. Shooting pains. Heart pain AND palpitations. The friend and daughter asked me if I was ok and needed help.

"This is it," I thought. I was convinced that the heart condition was worsening and it was reaching a crescendo or potential event point. So off I went to the ER.

 

I'm sure I don't have to tell you the rest. They took me in, ran tests, and did some blood work. Well, the tests were fine. When they took the bloodwork they also slipped in an IV of Valium. I found this out halfway through and just went with it for two reasons. One, I really was convinced something serious was happening and I would do anything to get rid of it. Two, I live in an Asian country where you can't just say,  "Stop! I'm a benzo addict and this is going to mess up my current taper off of this evil stuff!" It just doesn't work like that over here.

 

I left about two hours later and here I am today. Felling...well...great physically but defeated mentally. My main concern is this: The withdrawal symptoms were getting WORSE as time went on. My absolute worst, most hellish phase was from the 1.5-2 month period. It went from being a small issue once a week to a massive spell where I could not communicate or move once a day for several hours.

 

Help! What should I do? Has anyone had WDs get worse in a time period like that? From what I've read, the only thing we all have in common is that anything is possible and all of it sucks. So I'm sure it's not a surprise but what should I do? If the withdrawal was causing physical heart pain that showed up on tests, can it also get bad enough that it causes physical damage to my heart?

 

My plan is to not take any more benzos (they gave me a small Rx when I left last night) and keep moving forward but I also work in a fast paced job. If I am at work and this happens, there is no chance I can just sit there and look like I'm having a stroke and just tell everyone around me, "沒關係沒關係，休息了” （relax, it's ok）. I'm really at a loss. To make matters worse. Here in Asia, they barely believe in psychiatric medicine. Going to a doctor and explaining benzo withdrawal is going to make me sound like a paranoid schizophrenic drug abuser. I could very literally get locked up.

 

Any insights at all would be great. Thanks so much for the support. I finally see what all of the fuss is about! : (

 

TL/DR

1. Has anyone ever dealt with zero withdrawal symptoms for months (2 months) only to have them get increasingly bad out of nowhere (1.5-2 month period went form 0-60mph.

2. Is it possible for benzo withdrawl symptoms to physically hurt or damage your body? I know people sometimes have seizures and that can do damage. What if I just ignore it and my heart gets worse and worse with pain and palpitation until something actually happens?

3. Any tips and tricks appreciated.

 

Thank you all so much in advance for your thoughts. I know I can count on this group of people for some insight as we are all in this together. Much love.

Edited July 6 by [mu...]

[[...]]

Hello, @[mu...] and welcome to BenzoBuddies! 

Sincerely sorry for you and can understand all your fears! By my experience, everything gets more complicated when benzo is concerned. I can only share my own ideas and i'm not an expert but someone going through benzo withdrawal too.

I'm sure all the palpitations and other heart issues can be caused by benzo withdrawal and most probably don't really mean any actual disease. Sure such physical condition must be actually seen and confirmed by doctors because it's a real reaction of your body/ nervous sistem to the withdrawal, stress or whatever. However, if it's a reaction, as far as i was told by lots of neurologists when i had similar+- issues, it's not dangerous and is bound to resolve by itself when things calm down. That's why i'm sure withdrawal symptoms can't cause actual harm to our body but our worries about them can make us suffer more. I tried, at least, not to panic over my, sometimes frightening and no end painful, symptoms. It helped. I think if your tests are ok and doctors can't find a cause for your heart issues, they must be related to the withdrawal as well.

As for no wd symptoms in the beginning and the uptick afterwards, i'm not sure about alprazolam but when i first time tried to quit the benzo i took, i hit the wall a month after the actual move. And it was very similar to what you're describing: like a ton of bricks on me, massive dizziness, pain, sweat, palpitations. Quite all of a sudden. Not sure how to explain, perhaps something to do with the fact that benzo can accumulate in our body tissues.

That is all just my own thoughts and experience and i very much hope other people will share theirs too.

Good luck to you!

 

 

[[Si...]]

It took about 3 months for me to start experiencing valium withdrawal symptoms, apparently because of the half-life of valium. So what's been happening with you is, unfortunately, quite normal...

[[Si...]]

[[PE...]]

Hi. As a person with high BP and lifting weights i say no having slightly high BP, even if it's for years, wont damage it ☺️

It sounds like you are stuck in a mind loop. But you have OCD so i guess it's not strange. Worrying for your heart can be a reason why it's a bit high..you never said how high it is. I'm around 160/100 with maximum BP medications. I would not live a week with out them so thank God for modern medicine. 

☺️

[[Th...]]

 

mutual_dreaming,

 

I’m going through the exact same thing as you right now, so you are definitely not alone in the fear category.

 

In January, I quit cold-turkey. I had about a month of what you just described in full-force, and then a window of calm until 3 weeks ago where all those symptoms came back in almost double the intensity.

 

Sporadic heart fluttering at random throughout the day, accompanied by tightness, pain and heat across my chest, head-rush, dizziness, shortness of breath. Not to mention the indescribable sense of dread we all know about.

I’ve been to the ER twice and multiple hospital visits. I had a holter-monitor test done just two days ago, in fact. Bloodwork, EKG, chest x-ray, you name it. All of the things. My personal doctor is on vacation until the 22nd, do I won’t hear anything about results until later this month, which is really great for the mental well-being.

 

The only thing that seems to help is distraction. A lot of it. And by that I mean, in my case anyways, I can’t even stop to talk to anyone. I’ve got to keep moving, or doing something. Typing these words even, seems to dampen things.

 

I’m a team leader in my industry, and I’m professionally obligated to helping others succeed, and to foster their success. Which my symptom-free  self absolutely thrives on.

 

But while I’m in a wave, I’m using every trick in the book and then some, to not crack in front of my constituents, because what I love is now my worst nightmare. It’s a god-awful truth of my life right now that few know about.

 

It’s tough to keep it together when it feels like it’s all about to fall apart.

 

I keep reminding myself it’s the symptoms and I’m not dying. I take a moment for a breather and a self-talk in the mirror to try and calm down a bit.

 

I think to myself; It will pass. The brain is healing, and re-wiring. The unfortunate truth is we have to ride this thing out.

 

[[On...]]

Hi @[mu...], and all,

 

Sounds like panic attacks, (which believe me feel like dying heart attack, stroke etc...), glad you got it checked out though and were alright, need to take health seriously.

I am over 2 months (admit high doses and cold turkeyed ), and had one out the blue even though slept pretty well with antihistamine prescribed. I couldn't deep breathe, I actually needed to eat a snack, think it could be lactic acid build up, as it like a workout. 

I find fans, air, temperature. Control helps and listening to relaxing meditations. Also breathing into a paper bag/ bag can help .

 

Hope you keep healing keep the strength. 

Also if there a scent you like or aromatherapy oil, and suck/chew lozenge/gum/sweet can help too.

 

Plenty hydration.

 

[[Th...]]

Also, it seems there is a shared ignorance or deniability with doctors around the globe regarding long-term benzo use and their withdrawal.

Even over here in North America and in my eastern corner of Canada, they think we’re nuts. It’s impossible. Even when you describe the symptoms in full. As I was getting my EKG done the other day, the triage nurse said verbatim; “I don’t mean to be rude, but why are you even here?”

The substitute doctor at my doctors office upon issuing my chest x-ray requisition said over the phone; “Listen, I’ve got a room full of people waiting on me right now and this phone call is just a favour for your doctor. I’ve got to go.”

So it’s world-wide, my friend. They don’t seem to want to hear anything about it.

This substitute doctor even offered to fill out another prescription of Ativan, even after what I had described. So we can add to that, they’re not even listening.

 

[[Js...]]

10 hours ago, [[m...] said:

I am writing to you today after a night in the ER and a subsequent relapse on alprazolam. I will try to keep it brief so hopefully as many people as possible can give some ideas.

Until last night I was 2 months clean from a 15 year addiction to benzos. It was easy at first and I was really shocked. I tapered from 2mg to 1mg. Then .5mg for about a year. And finally I was eating .25 a few times a week to provide a spaced taper as well (6 months). This whole time I never experienced a single issue. Finally the day came when I decided to kick completely. Again, no problems at all. I was shocked. No seizures, sweats, cramps, etc. during what would be the traditional hell period of weeks after. I slept like a baby.

At around 1 month totally clean I was still fine, but I did notice I had some depression and anger. It was ok as I had read about it and prepared for much worst. So aside from some irrational anger (hard to interact with people, like I had a real short fuse) and just feeling very, very depressed (suicidal ideations), I was fine. I told myself that this was what I created and if all I had to deal with were some emotions, lucky me.

At about a month and a half off, however, I started to experience small pains in my heart. Not massively painful but sharp small pains. These pains would also come with palpitations. Now, I get palpitations sometimes, but they were starting to go form once a month or once a week to once a day. Then several times a day. Finally at the two month period these feelings were coming frequently. I began to worry severely about my heart. I went to get a checkup. They did see the palps and they did see a little bit of an elevated heart rate, but nothing to cause concern apparently. (The doctor confirming the palpitations and heart rate meant that this was all REAL and CONFIRMED in my mind.)

 

It sounds like a slow taper really did help you in regards to your withdrawals. Considering the duration of usage (15 years), once you were completely off the .25, the withdrawals hit hard, but hit at a later time. 

10 hours ago, [[m...] said:

My plan is to not take any more benzos (they gave me a small Rx when I left last night) and keep moving forward but I also work in a fairly demanding industry. If I am at work and this happens, there is no chance I can just sit there and look like I'm having a stroke and just tell everyone around me, "沒關係沒關係，休息了” （relax, it's ok）. I'm really at a loss. To make matters worse. Here in Asia they barely believe in psychiatric medicine. Going to a doctor and explaining benzo withdrawal is going to make me sound like a paranoid schizophrenic drug abuser. I could very literally get locked up.

 

Coming from Asian culture, I know it is very demanding and not very understanding, even ruthless at times. I would prioritize yourself at this point. While I am not experienced enough to give any further advice, I would certainly state that work life should best be put on hold until you find your resolution.

I wish you the best.

[[or...]]

51 minutes ago, [[T...] said:

I keep reminding myself it’s the symptoms and I’m not dying. I take a moment for a breather and a self-talk in the mirror to try and calm down a bit.

 

I think to myself; It will pass. The brain is healing, and re-wiring. The unfortunate truth is we have to ride this thing out.

This is what is getting me through my wd sxs, well said, oregonlady,

Edited July 6 by [or...]

[[or...]]

It seems like we are "Pioneers" in learning how to withdraw from benzos in a way that keeps us from losing all quality of life.  There are good, and willing doctors and nurses, they're just few and far between.  I had one for 8.5 years that I was able to start my taper with, and he kept prescribing because he could see my progress.  I kept it secret in the beginning months as I just felt I was between a rock and a hard-spot.  I knew for sure a cold-turkey could slay me as I had one short experience (it's in my History here ).

I chose to do it on my own, and I don't regret it at all.  But I had first found BB, otherwise, without the guidance of those who personally experience wd sxs, and learned tapering methods that worked, I couldn't and probably wouldn't have attempted it on my own.

I'd also lost faith in my MD when he lacked knowledge and tapered me a quarter of a tablet of 1mg per month, and my whole left side went completely numb.  ER tests showed nothing happened at all, and no one, not even my MD suggested "maybe" even, too fast a taper.  I'm lucky he reinstated me, and this was before I became a part of BB.

I can only hope that others come here and learn(listen and learn), before they either taper too fast, or lose their prescribers before they have the chance to do a slow taper, or whatever speed they are comfortable with, and can maintain a lot of their quality of life while tapering, oregonlady

 

[[or...]]

[[or...]]

I just have to add here that I put a lot of emphasis on educating ourselves about wd sxs from benzos.  The more I read, and understand what happens "exactly" when I've become dependent on a benzo, the more confidence, hope, and faith I can have in the whole process. 

The fear/panic is alleviated, and I see where I am becoming well again, little by little, one step at a time.  This article has always helped me understand what is happening, and not to fear it, but almost welcome it.  Sounds crazy, but stick with me here.  Simply put, wd sxs are "because" my body is healing, including my brain.

Here's the article I wanted to share, and share it often.  It's very long, so only take a little at a time, skip around in it to find something that might be just for you.  It's by a person named Parker, I wish I'd meet her one day to thank her for it   and many thanks to @[Co...] for pointing it out and leading us to the thread

What is happening to your brain?

Edited July 6 by [or...]

[[mu...]]

[[or...]]

Being willing to listen and learn, is the ticket to educating ourselves.  I think it's really a good thing for me since I will always be a part of my own recovery from any health issue from now on.  My doctor, and his nurses, were all so proud of me and one said that they get so discouraged by folks they see that don't take responsibility for their own health.

What happened with the benzo prescribing is history now, and I don't look back, but forward to what I can do to get a quality of life back, it's up to me.  I have palpitations every day, but I don't pay them any mind.  Accepting they are just a symptom that my body is healing.  Even if none of the "healing" thing was true, I have quality of life today, and a true lack of fear, oregonlady, PS Sometimes I think lack of emotion is a blessing. Too much emotion always causes worse sxs for me

[[Th...]]

Congratulations, oregonlady and keep fighting back, mutual_dreaming.

The palpitations kind of do their own thing and pick their own times and intensity levels, I find.

I’m very early into recovery, so when they hit, so does the panic. Though I’m doing my best to train my brain to accept them as part of the process.

In terms of how long they’ll last? I do t know. I’m 3 weeks into a wave and they’ve been happening every day, all day at random, at varying levels.

I find my solace in walking in the woods, self pep-talks, and rocking back and forth while sitting (and trying to relax) helps a lot.

Keep telling yourself this is all an unfortunate part of the process of healing, and that you must overcome it. No matter what.

And if you can, do everything in your power to stay away from another dose. It’s really not worth the setback.

Myself, I’m using my stubborn nature to combat those thoughts. Because it will not heal me. It will only hurt. And I’m tired of being hurt and feeling like an absolute dumpster-fire all the time.

I want to get back to life. 

I can tell you, without the thoughts and supportive words from the folks on this site, god knows where I’d be. You all give me hope, and make me feel not alone.

[[...]]

3 hours ago, [[o...] said:

Sooo well said @[...], I really think we are "walking testimonies" of our bodies ability to recover, slowly but surely, emphasis on surely, oregonlady ♥️♥️♥️

@[or...], that is exactly what i discussed with my friend, 16 months off, CT, 20+ years of use, today

[[or...]]

31 minutes ago, [[T...] said:

rocking back and forth while sitting (and trying to relax) helps a lot.

I wondered if anyone else did this, but I think it is comforting, like maybe there is some memory of being a tiny baby being rocked by momma, or gramma

I also love my walks, but have gotten away from them during my "recent move" back to my home-State.  There's been a lot of comfort come from being in the area I grew up in.  I really hesitated for a long time, but I finally had that peace of mind that made me see I'd made a good decision, Oregonlady ~ Denise

[[...]]

7 hours ago, [[m...] said:

Hey Kate (and others)... May I ask where you are now in your journey and how you are doing/how long the palpitations lasted...

...it has already significantly reduced the anxiety knowing what is going on now. So long as I don't think I'm on deaths door the whole time I think* I can manage. I just hope its days or week and not months like this. 

My plan is to not take any of the small prescription given to me last week unless I find myself in a (probably work related) crunch where I simply must perform and be on point and can't call in sick. 

@[mu...], hi again!) I'm so glad you've been reassured here. 

I'm 15 months off and the worst of my suffering seems to be over, just can't believe it myself yet:) I live and enjoy it, although my muscles still painfully disagree, luckily not every day.

Palpitations like many of other symptoms stopped torturing me in 9th WD month but they never were my worst issue.

I absolutely agree that knowing what is going on helps tremendously and gives hope and belief as well as strength to live through the mess.  I'm just doubtful about your plan. Do you mean to take a small dose of benzo if you're in a crunch? I'd not do it. I think benzo should be avoided, especially if the aim is to treat benzo dependency. The dependency is purely physical and the body will hardly be able to recover from it while recieving benzo from time to time. In my opinion, almost anything but benzo. Wish you healing! ☺️