I’m devastated right now and thinking of reinstating

[[...]]

Hi, @[Da...] and welcome to BenzoBuddies. So terribly sorry for the condition you're in due to benzo. I'm a former long term user and sure can relate to most of your experience. I'd advise you to start a new thread where members, me included, could provide exactly you with their feedback and explanations . Do hope with all my heart you'll soon turn the corner and get better!

[[I ...]]

45 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

@[I ...]  im really suffering so much , I don’t know how to cope , the thoughts and feelings are just taking me down . This is the worst acute I have felt . Are you able to function ? 

I'm able, but it doesn't matter when I'm in constant sadness and comparing thoughts with others..

My ex husband is enjoying on vacation with a new partner probably, all of my friends are with partners and kids, and me as a hopeless kid living with my parents in 39 age stucked in my disgusting and wastetime ocd world ...

I don't know with what I deserved this destiny..I quit with my addiction to be better for my partner and I did it, but for what? To stayed alone in the end...I have the feeling that the God, universe or whatever is playing jokes with me...

Be happy that you have for what to live and fight...

You'll be good. Will pass this episode, just accept the thoughts as meaningless and slowly push yourself to do some jobs at home..

Take enough water, maybe some supplements as magnesium, b complex, camomile tea...try to calm yourself..

 

[[I ...]]

[[Lo...]]

10 minutes ago, [[I...] said:

I'm able, but it doesn't matter when I'm in constant sadness and comparing thoughts with others..

My ex husband is enjoying on vacation with a new partner probably, all of my friends are with partners and kids, and me as a hopeless kid living with my parents in 39 age stucked in my disgusting and wastetime ocd world ...

I don't know with what I deserved this destiny..I quit with my addiction to be better for my partner and I did it, but for what? To stayed alone in the end...I have the feeling that the God, universe or whatever is playing jokes with me...

Be happy that you have for what to live and fight...

You'll be good. Will pass this episode, just accept the thoughts as meaningless and slowly push yourself to do some jobs at home..

Take enough water, maybe some supplements as magnesium, b complex, camomile tea...try to calm yourself..

@[I ...] my ocd is so bad and I have this feeling inside my body I just don’t know how to function on , it’s been going on 5 months in this setback 😞 would you mind at all if I messaged you 

[[Co...]]

8 hours ago, [[D...] said:

hi. this is my first post ever. am currently 10 months off, i was a very short term user (1 month) and quit cold turkey. Sadly i live in a third world country, doctors are useless and i had no proper guidance. Doctor was a gasentrologist and prescribed me benzos for dyspepsia. a month later my body built a tolerance and benzos not only stopped working, they made my health worse. Realizing this, i quit cold turkey. i later found out this was a bad idea. From the beginning itself my case has been very different, my withdrawal started 13 days after i quit. for thirteen days i didnt feel a thing and was still 100% clueless as to what happened so far and what's to come. on day 13, its like someone flipped on the switch of hell in my life. i researched online and found out tht i was going through benzo withdrawal. a week later i went to another doctor to get some sort of relief, but as i said they are all clueless, this guy prescribes me more benzos and an ssri. the guy says i'll be fine, hard part is over, see thts how clueless they are. anyway, i didnt listen to him, didnt get more benzos but i thought i'll take the ssri as i was looking for any relief possible. that was the second deadly mistake, the doctor had presribed a really heavy dosage pill and it took only one pill for me to get serotonin poisoning. this is where my real hell started. everything i was already going through had been amplified by 20 times and i was going through even newer types of pain now. i couldnt sleep for a week, not even a minute. benzo w/d itself takes ur sleep away, now add serotonin toxicity on top which also causes insomnia, so thats why i couldnt even for a second for a week. i was in so much pain and agony that i wanted to die, my family wanted to take me to ER but were afraid of the butchers who call themselves doctors, they were afraid what if i came back in a body bag. so we decided to wait it out and just pray. my next month and a half was pure hell on earth. it got easier as the damage caused by serotonin toxicity healed. these past ten months i have read every benzo related news, article, post, watched every video by survivors or doctors, visited every forum out there that i could find. trying to answer the dozens of questions eating me inside. what am i going through ? how long will it last ? will i ever get better ? when will i get better ? is this normal during withdrawal ? where did i go wrong ? why is this happening to me ? the questions dont end. there is this webpage, not sure if its on this website or some other, but it lists all the known benzo withdrawal symptoms, they are almost a hundred maybe and they are all categorized alphabetically. every post i came through people had very few of them, it was either physical symptoms or psychological or mixture of both for most people but there were very few select symptoms and most of those people were long term users. but in my case despite being only a 1 month user, i have had almost each and every symptom mentioned in that list except for seizures. other than tht, be it physical or psyhological, the list of my symptoms has been endless. my brain doesn't work, i cant think, i cant concentrate, i cant focus, i cant remember, i keep forgetting everything, heck i am having speech problems now, cant remember words, cant make sentences, even in my native language. my body doesnt work, am fatigued all the time, i have no strength, am in pain constantly and body's burning all the time. something as basic as getting up from the bed has torn my chest muscles thrice. one second am cold the next am hot. tinnitus, panic attacks, benzo belly, sensitivity to literally every food on the planet, cant eat, cant sleep, cant do any work, basically am as useless as a dirty rag right now. am not even writing most of my symptoms as i'd be writing for pages. i have lost my purpose of being alive. so many times i came very close to ending my life. one time the gun was in my hand upto my head and i almost pressed the trigger, but the thought of my family stopped me. ten months later my physical symptoms arent as intense as they used to be, but my psychological symptoms actually have gotten worse over time. the anxiety, depression, the negativity, the agitation, the frustration, aggression, i hate everything and everyone. my relationship with everybody has been strained, even with God. i have lost the will to live, i dont see a light at the end of this tunnel. because i feel like a dog chasing its tail endlessly. i get a tiny window of relief, i think am healing or getting better and next thing i know the symptoms come back, even the symptoms that hadnt appeared for months and i thought were gone permanently. in the past 10 months i have only felt the sense of normalcy for like 3 times maybe and it was so brief that it felt like seconds. in the past 10 months life has given me hope like 10,000 times only to take it away the moment i felt it. this is what i mean by a dog chasing its tail endlessly. benzo withdrawal really is the most inhumane and cruel thing there is. am a straight guy, but am not embarassed to say that ever since this whole thing started, i have cried like a gallon of tears. always wondering what did i do to deserve this ? why me ? no one in my life understands what am going through. and please no judging abt how negative i sound, i saw one guy criticizing a guy like me in a post on this website. keep in mind this is what benzo does to us, everyone has a different experience, different intensity, different reaction to it, everybody is different. something that's an inconvenience to one person can be another's personal hell. everybody has a different capacity/limit. and this withdrawal has literally destroyed every drop of positivity i had in my life.

anyway, up until now i have been a quite observer, but today i was forced to make a post because of the discussion in this page. because up until now what i have known of benzo withdrawal so far is that we do eventually heal no matter how far into the future it is. there are windows of relief and waves of symptoms that come and go until we are eventually 100% healed. but today i came across some of the members here saying some things that hopefully is just me misinterpreting them. first of all what do u guys mean by u were "healed" and then had a "setback". this really confused me and is freaking me out because how can u go back into withdrawal IF you are healed. and what do u mean by setback ? somebody please explain before i make myself crazy with the negative thoughts.

Hi @[Da...]. Welcome to BenzoBuddies.

It might be an idea to copy your post above to a new thread so that it is not buried here.

[[I ...]]

25 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

@[I ...] my ocd is so bad and I have this feeling inside my body I just don’t know how to function on , it’s been going on 5 months in this setback 😞 would you mind at all if I messaged you 

No, at all.

Message me whenever you want/can.

[[Cr...]]

7 hours ago, [[I...] said:

Kate, can you introduce me in the new group for protracted?

You can find the Long Haulers by scrolling down on the main page until you reach the "Groups" category. 

You can also click on this Link. There will be an option to join the group. 

[[Ma...]]

15 hours ago, [[I...] said:

Hi buddy. I'm exactly the same.

How long you're off ?

I'm 30 months and very disappointed why I'm experiencing a setback so long being off.

I thought I'm healed.

Oh I’m 7 months into tapering nowhere near off